• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
That is so great to hear Shroomy. Congratulations!!! I know you and your girl (horny fuckers lol!) can make it.
It helps so much to have love in your life doesn't it? Great families are a great gift also. We are both blessed there.

I also met a guy who I really love (miracle). A nice, down to earth southern guy. He has the cutest accent. He has really helped me over the past 9 months since I met him. We have been inseparable, talking all day everyday.
He has stood by me through a lot and not judged me. I have yet to meet him in person. He is a few states away and money is tight and we are both looking after elderly parents as well as-
I have not allowed anyone close to me for SO long. It is hard for me. I have some bad injuries, chronic pain, PTSD, anxiety disorder, cluster migraine headaches, memory loss etc. He also has migraine headaches and anxiety so we understand one another where others just don't get it.
We are quite horny fuckers ourselves! LOL! I really want to be with him. He has been so patient with me.
I am worth the wait though! :)

Strange how life works huh? Just when you think all hope is lost, amazing grace shines down from above.

Don't give up everyone. I went so far as to having a near death experience due to a major car accident and I will tell you guys that we are loved and cared for and ONE more than you could ever imagine. Forgive yourself. The Lord Jesus is really there and he forgives and he loves us all much more than I could ever express. I never believed before but I KNOW and have seen. What a great blessing this was for me.

The goal for me is to just stay stable on the same dosage of pain medication and anxiety medication as originally prescribed after this accident in 2009. I am afraid quitting is not an option for me anymore. But I have not increased my dosage - besides the occasional bad month where I go overboard and run myself short and then suffer. I can't do that to myself again. It is too hard on my body, mind, and soul. It takes me months to get feeling as good as I was before I went overboard.

Shroomy- be careful with the clonazepam (klonopin), I also take that and I also used more to help with the opiate withdrawals and wow! The withdrawal from those was WAY, WAY worse than any opiate withdrawal I have experienced and I withdrawal from long acting morphine when I fuck up. You must go down very, very slowly. Taper minute amounts at a time. I realized it would take me at least a year to get off 1 mg clonazepam a day after going through 10 days of withdrawal from that. Be very, very careful.

I wish you and your girl the best of luck and all the best things in life. You can do this! Look how you pulled through in an emergency like a champ even in opiate withdrawals! Well done!
We can do this!!!!

Much love to you all. I hope everyone is doing well for their own personal situation. That is all we can do in life- the best we can.
Hold yourself to a high standard and keep it classy, sassy, and a little bad assy everyone! :)
 
Your relationship sounds like mine, we can't keep our hands off each other. Seriously though it really is how strange life works! We understand each other too when no one else does. Ever since I met her we've been inseparable, we make a great team, more than satisfy each other, it is a feeling I have never felt before. I know that if I use percocets even for one day it will ruin my life though. I enter withdrawal immediately within a day and I'm out of commission for 2 weeks at least. We are going through a ton of changes right now and it's going to take immense effort and planning to stay together but we are both entirely committed. So, I am planning a life for myself too, and this works out for us both.

I cannot even begin to describe to you how strange this romantic journey has been. I could write an essay on the signs and synchronicities. They are everywhere, it is without question that we were meant to be. She compliments me so well and helps me organize my jumbled creative thoughts into something with a direction. We do a lot for each other, I'd do anything to care for her. Like, the exact opposite of my past relationship in so many ways. It's wonderful, anyways, yeah, opiates.

I already fucked myself over with benzos, that is the next step in my journey to get off drugs. Gotta get those under control and I can, I've been taking a lot of them in heroin withdrawal (or I was, I haven't used heroin in months) and my tolerance is up so I need to taper and make sure I don't run out. I know it's going to be a lot worse as well but this honestly hasn't been that bad. Heroin was really really bad but ever since I got my tolerance low the symptoms have been debilitating, but not to the point of ruining my life. Kind of like having the flu with some added symptoms. Nothing like that demon exorcism heroin bullshit.

I hope you and your guy work out too, sounds like you have a good thing going on. It really helps to have someone like that, she is my second opinion and vice versa. We are pretty damn cute together I must say. We have a lot of obstacles to overcome to be together but we are totally committed to each other, this is right when I made the decision to get clean too. I always knew I'd meet her very shortly after I made that decision. It's impossible to be an opiate addict and be in a fair relationship but it goes beyond that... it's like she knew about me from her recurring dream...
 
Glad to hear you made it through Shroomi.
I'm still kicking around. Just got my new script. Had to go to 6 pharmacies this time before I hit one who had it. I ALMOST had to wait 5 days with no oxy to get it filled. Literally 10 minutes away from my Dr's office being closed and no pharmacy being able to call and confirm my script and having to wait past the weekend.
I've never taken illegal drugs,but that made me feel like a desperate junkie. Really sucked.
 
That sucks, good to hear from ya. I didn't make it through though man, I have so far to go to make it to where I want to be. A lot of positive things are happening but I mean it's going to take a couple years to clean up this disaster. I'm pretty much going to war against myself now dude. I can do opiates and die in a year, or I can have a wonderful, amazing life that I'm envisioning perfectly and I know I can do it if I'm off this shit. It steals every ounce of my motivation away and withdrawals come back in a fucking day once I'm clean. I get my script soon too but I don't even think I will bother picking it up. It's just too dangerous to have those fucking oxy's. Last prescription they lasted two weeks (one binge week, then 4 days) and I'm still recovering from that shit. I'm talking to my girl about what options I have for advice. She needs to know I'm serious about getting clean too because like everything else in my life, opiates ruin us very fast so she's really concerned about that since I've already relapsed twice with painkillers. It was percocets getting me high as hell with ER meds, then it was sniffing dilaudid and the next logical step would be heroin. I'm not out of the woods yet at all man, I'm fighting for my life man I really am I know it sounds dramatic but this is life or death here. It really is so I need all the support I can get I don't want to die young. Especially now that I know what I want to do with my life.
 
I know that feeling.
Sometimes the biggest help is telling the person closest to you EVERYTHING. If she's willing to police you for a few months, and you have confessed all of your best tricks , lies, and hiding places -- It's impossible to be a junkie when the cops are waiting outside your dealer's house.
You say you're not out of the woods yet, but that means you're at least into and partly through the woods. You have made it out the other side before. Commit yourself to getting clean. Throw away all of the stuff you tried to hold onto the last time you got clean, back when you swore that the next time you wouldn't get hooked again. Ask for help, and be absolutely serious with yourself about getting clean. Throw away not only your pills, but your favorite 'getting high' t-shirt, movie, grape soda, etc,,. AND NEVER GO BACK TO THOSE THINGS.
 
When I quit oxy the first time, I threw out a whole bottle of dilaudid. 8mg pills, probably 60 or 70 of them. It was symbolic for me, representing my personal commitment to not giving into temptation. (I kick myself now whenever I think about it. Those would be soooo nice to have when I'm low on oxy)
There's a huge difference within yourself between quitting with an understanding that you aren't quitting forever, and quitting with the knowledge that you have an addiction and that you can't do that drug ever again. Not even if you are prescribed it for a legit reason.
Shroomi- is there a chance your doctor could help(or maybe your girl could do it) by rationing your pills. Maybe a weekly prescription instead of monthly, and then a time lock safe to only give you one day's pills at a time? I read something on bluelight about time-locked pill dispensers you can buy.
 
I've already been coming up with a plan with her. We are good at problem solving and I have some time to ponder. I really don't give a fuck about opiates anymore. My benzo habit is horrific and I need to taper ASAP. The only reason I'd go back to opiates would be for comfort while tapering off the benzos that crept up on me all year. I was in heroin withdrawal for several months before even deciding to quit, then had two brief relapses, my body has taken a beating. I was sick every week for 4 or 5 days but I kept chasing the high for several months. Neither of us thinks that me taking opiates is a good idea because I am clean of the opiates for the most part. I did dilaudid almost a week ago but nothing else much. I swear the benzos are going to kill me though so what does it matter. I take a lot less benzos when I take opiates so I have to make a decision. I do have someone who could hold onto my prescription and that wouldn't be an issue. The prescription itself however a very low dose of oxycodone ruins my life in a few days. I get all sorts of side effects really fast, and notice withdrawal symptoms from using at all. I'm far more worried about the benzos right now and it is mainly because my supply on them is getting low. I don't want to quit them at the same time just monitor my benzo use to keep it at least stable. I could drop dead if I ran out of benzos so I really need to address that soon and then I'll be fine to keep clean from opiates and then in the future work on that other taper. I think that I will be okay. My concern is the benzos now. I know that even using opiates once fucks my body up way too much at this point to justify using at all unless I want to end up fiending dope.
 
Last edited:
When I went through this Shroomi, I discovered it is a vicious cycle with using the benzo's to help with the opiate withdrawal and then the opiates to help with the benzo withdrawal. I luckily realized that before I got in too deep. The benzo's are far more scary than the opiates in withdrawal from them. If I was any less of a grounded person (something my NDE gave me major help in); I would have ended up at the psych unit hospital. That was from just 10 days of withdrawal from 1 mg clonazepam a day.

The benzo withdrawal is all the usual major bad symptoms of opiate withdrawal PLUS I was hallucinating, had to keep walking all day and all night non- stop or my leg started to lock up and it travelled up my body and caused this horrific body lock and seizure thing.
I felt like I was insane. It was the worst mental feeling I ever have had. I was constantly spitting because my mouth tasted like poison as well as everything and things smelled like death. No sleep at all for the entire time. None. Zero.
It was actually a relief when I started hallucinating. Holy shit!

Don't use the benzo's to help with opiate withdrawal and vice versa. It is a bad, bad idea.
I think you should be careful how you do this Shroomi. It may have long term consequences to come off benzo's too fast. Do your research and figure out what the best way to do this would be.

I think talking to your Doctor is a good idea. He could give you a weekly prescription for your pain medication (if you want to just use them as directed, at least for now) and help you get out of trouble with the benzo's.
I think that is a good idea. Talk things over with your girl.

Squeaky, I'm happy to hear you did not have to suffer for five days. Glad you made it through your month. It is a challenge at times.
 
I'm not in too deep yet but I have to start managing my benzo use now before it's too late. I have used those for much longer and in higher doses due to having frequent daily panic attacks for a year. My entire life was essentially a panic attack for a year, that was a long time ago. I couldn't leave my house, and one can only go to the ER so many times before rushing to the pharmacy to start on those nice 0.5mg xanax. I know I've fucked myself but I also know that I can do anything at this point in my life.

The catalyst for change what I really needed was love. Really you need anything, something important to you to fight for. That will be worth it in the end. I really did meet the love of my life this summer and everything happened so fast and crazy at first and it's still such an adventure of labour and love that we are going to write a book about it together from our different perspectives. We share a common vision for our future and she is my second opinion and my best friend. I would die for her without question and I would go to the ends of the earth to encourage her spirit to flourish. I didn't know how this happened when I was coming out of heroin withdrawal initially, knowing that I made the committed decision to kick for good. She is a compassionate and delicate spirit and I decided to be up front with her about everything really soon since she was asking me all the big quiestions and practically interrogating my soul at first anyway. She was really understanding and she motivated me to get out of bed in withdrawal. She didn't understand the withdrawal but she was there for me and could relate. If I didn't have the energy to do something fun and mischievious and devious that day, we would just hang out and cuddle. It took a lot of effort on my part too, to meet her in that state of mind where I was so dead inside that driving the car down a street or even shower and get dressed to get going was a timeless, daunting challenge. But I knew she was special and we spent as much time together as we possibly could. We are inseparable now. I won't get to see her for a few weeks and we have been both crying and like I already miss her so fucking bad right now and it has been 8 hours since .We really love each other a lot and have so many common interests and goals that we could never get bored of each other.

So I'd be a dumbass to throw that away for heroin, right. I think if I looked at a bottle of percocets ever again, I would think of her right away and hear her voice. It would be enough time to stop and think and remember why I quit. She has been on my ass about that so much because of the changes that occurred when I took percocets for a week last month and I get caught within 24 hours due to the changes in testosterone levels and drive. Not just about that though, but constantly reminding me of why I quit and how hard it was and how stupid it would be to go back to it. How I get withdrawal symptoms from using for 24 hours, how it hurts her too, but it isn't just about her concerned about me dying although she definitely is; she cares about my future no matter what and these types of feelings are unbreakable. They transcend spacetime in that they are everlasting. Ever since, instead of sitting around misdirected I've started planning with her, the future we want together and we make such a good team about that. I have a lot of ideas and she knows what could work. She is also a little mentally ill in a different sort of way but it helps us understand each other so much when no one else can.

I can't explain it but I always knew that I would find her when I kicked opiates. There were always signs. She had signs in her dreams that were definitive of me as she can now see. We are spiritually connected in ways I can't explain. I can think of her and direct my energy towards her and send her love and well wishes, perhaps it is my subtle spirit walking out of my body and comforting her. I have a very powerful romantic energy that can't go to waste since I lose interest in women when I abuse opiates.

There isn't really a catch. I can function in life without opiates. My back pain is extreme but there are so many other things I can do for that besides drugs, and my pain is much better when I have been clean for a while. Maybe if I took my meds as prescribed the pain would be better than it is now, I'm really not sure and I don't want to find out. I suppose the catch for me would be that my panic disorder comes back with a vengeance and I feel the need for more benzos. I really need to address that and get into a psychiatrist and be completely honest. I don't want to quit benzos though, because then I'd have to have panic attacks every day for the rest of my life and I can't handle one minute of that anxious feeling. Just something to really watch out for.

I just wanted to write something a little different today, this will help me when I go and read back through these pages. I try to add an element of advice in each post and here really it's so true how fast the changes start happening once you get some momentum going. It might take a month but it will definitely be worth it, if you are tapering down to a dose that you really do need for pain then that is great too. Lower tolerance is always good unless it results in overdoses, which I have definitely noticed was a problem when I relapsed. I blacked out from oxy's and well first of all they normally make me feel stimulated and I was just wrecked, I never get wrecked on opiates, they make me feel normal in a lot of ways and I am highly functional while using them. I'm highly function not using them too, I just have a lot more problems to deal with. I'm sure somewhere back I mentioned being really lonely for a long time, I stagnated for years and I feel like I brought myself back to life with a clear opportunity of a second chance.

I can't explain how but it has been a complete spiritual transformation of my entire personality. None of this would have happened if I hadn't decided to rid my body of these pills. I have changed in so many ways and although I am still a little sick today I am regaining my energy and vitality. I have a lot of back pain from a slip and fall hard on my back the other day, it fucking sucks having wd's exacerbating that pain. Anyways keep strong and if tapering with oxy's or whatever opiate you are tapering with isn't working and you are constantly relapsing then suboxone is worth looking into. It was for me, although I used a very tiny amount and didn't like them. I had to suffer through the cold turkey in order to learn a lesson that I'm still getting lectures on.

Crazy how prescription and not illegal drugs are the ones that are fucking up my life. I never had a problem with a non-related illegal drug that was even comparable to this bullshit. I shouldn't say that though because it is the cycle of yin and yang. I had to suffer in order to gain confidence and wisdom. No acid trip was going to help although DMT guided me through an entire month of my life. I used a gram so 20 heavy doses over a month so that is also why I think I've changed too. The change is a really positive one because I feel that it has made me more of a compassionate person. Sometimes when I was having troubles or struggles, like writer's block for instance, but serious decisions or feelings I would smoke it then. I haven't smoked DMT in a long time now, my last experience with it was way beyond the intensity I was expecting.
 
That is true Shroomy, you can do anything. Anything you want to. We have the strength. You are also right that love is the major catalyst for change. I will say it again; we are all loved so much more than many realize. No one is truly alone.
Remember that you first decided to quit the heroin for yourself. We must love ourselves before we have the capacity to love anyone else truly. Look what happened when you loved yourself enough to face this and start to overcome this.

Love comes walking in.

Your current spiritual change and saying that you have found the ability to feel and show compassion is something I recognize very well and I went through that very same spiritual transformation. It only gets better! Keep up the good work! Be good to yourself. Show yourself compassion. This is not some strange and unusual torture just picked out for us. Nothing happens to any of us that many have also gone through.

Talk to your doctor. Ask for help when needed. Keep yourself stable on the medication that you require for your needs. That is very important. Keep talking and reaching out for support. We all need support. Watch the stress. I have found that for me, stress is what causes a step backward for me.

You are doing good Shroomy. Hold your ground! We do not give ground, we take it!
 
I am actually using a bit, 10mg extended release twice a day. It had become too much, that H really messed my head up. The back pain has been extreme too and as soon as I realized how much I am messing up with benzos I needed to reinstate something so these are the pills I enjoy the least. Now I can be a little stable for a while instead of having these heavy relapses. The transformation has allowed me to use the medication as prescribed, something I have never done before.

You are right about how love came walking in just like that lol. I am finally responsible and ready enough and feeling alive and well enough to be with and take care of someone unbelievably special to me. We help keep each other on track and it's just such a lovely thing to happen, she says the sweetest things to me. I've also learned to be honest. I was completely honest with her about everything and anything she inquired about and that is just so important.

I feel like I'm doing just great. I suppose you could call this a taper since I still don't feel right after quitting H months ago. There is a bright future ahead of me that I am fighting for so long as I don't run out of benzos and have a seizure. I don't know what to do about that like I could just quit H and fuckin suffer for several weeks and never really get over it. I can't stop taking the benzos abruptly so I have to look into that. I'll likely stay on them at a reasonable dose. And yeah if I am mentioning her too much it is because well I am fucking crazy about her and vice versa it's just a really happy time even if I am withdrawing. It isn't so bad when I take the 10mg extended release, almost like a maintenance drug thing going on since well that H fucked me right up that's for sure.
 
:)
I am happy to hear your entire message. I love it when you talk about your girl! I feel the same as you about my guy.
I hope he feels the same as you do about your girl. That is fantastic that you keep one another on track and compliment one another so well and well, you are fucking crazy about each other! Horny fuckers the whole lot of us! Lol!

I think it is a good idea to use your medication as prescribed. I also gained the ability to be able to just take the medication as directed after I went through that transformation. Isn't that just amazing? I have had the occasional slip of running myself short a day or four but only like 5 times in 9 years! I think that is awesome. Considering.

I believe that you do have chronic pain and anxiety, same as I do. I have found that staying stable on the lowest possible dosage of pain medication and anxiety medication is the way to go. I would love to see you or I be able to be without the medications and maybe that is possible some day. I have taught myself meditation and it is the number one thing that helps me. You will find with this spiritual transformation that you have ALOT of new abilities that you never had before. Meditation is a way to start discovering these wonderful gifts!

You have also learned how to be honest. That made me smile even more. I think there is a bright future for all of us just ahead.
I am on this same incredible romantic journey and new life building as you. We got this!
 
It's so true being horny fuckers LOL we were at it like never before today for hours. It was amazing and insanely hot and completely ridiculous and out of hand and she is such a foxy lady gawd she's the best, but I won't be seeing her for a long while now (like two weeks haha but for us that is an existential crisis!!!) and love is also bittersweet. : ( I miss her already and it's been maybe 30 minutes but I missed her the moment she left. Every day I wake up and think about her right away and have to write in my journal about her or write her a letter in script or I will go crazy with anxiety. She's the same way and we are doing this open concept writing thing which is essentially a back and forth correspondence detailing our love story just to attempt to maintain our sanity while apart. So, I will start writing about the day we met and then she will bounce back with her perspective on it and gradually we write what amounts to a book.

That should be really fun because it is a crazy story how we met and everything that happened. Craziest time of my life. I was blessed with this experience and I'm not sure who to thank but maybe the sun and the stars for bringing us together. I've been recording it too, keeping our letters to each other, making videos of us just laying around having our interesting conversations, writing in my journal, etc. and now we are collaborating to write the whole story. It's just such a special thing I don't even know what to say except that I will never forget how she gave me a chance when I was still recovering from heroin and relapsed a couple times with pills. To fall in love like this took an insane amount of effort for the both of us. We are both slightly crazy and complicated people but we complement each other so well it is almost magical but to get to where I am took a hell of a lot. If I had gone back to dope this never ever would have happened.

I dropped a letter off in her mailbox the other day at 4am cause I couldn't sleep I was up all night thinking about her. She's on my mind constantly. Like, we are actually entirely crazy about each other to the point that to some it could be considered a form of insanity. Not to us, we're too busy in bed or elsewhere LOL. And yes this lady means the world to me. I already miss her so much but we at least have to be able to keep our hands off each other for a few weeks when necessary. Fuck though it seems like a damn eternity. We are really at peace together but I know we're still together in spirit and I'll see her again.

Taking my medication as prescribed is working out really well. I don't feel the need to abuse oxycodone anymore because all I ever needed was a woman like her in my life that was an actual real romance. I was abusing benzos in post acute withdrawal so I decided to take the middle way and just follow the fucking instructions on the pill bottle like it's not rocket science and if I do that I definitely benefit in terms of pain relief.

That's really cool how we seem to be in the same boat. I'm cleaning up this horrible mess, the aftermath of five years of drug abuse, well 15 years if you count all the other stuff, and a lifetime of non-compassionate behaviour based around loneliness and self loathing. I've completely transformed from a directionless junkie into a responsible man with a vision for my future. It's so much easier going through life as a team. We know each other so well and nobody else will ever get us to that extent. It's like the ultimate inside joke, she is so sweet, I should probably shut up haha. I totally have to keep myself busy or I'll sit around with her on my mind and start missing her. I need lots of creative outlets right now, since I like to get creative with her (lol... okay I will stop now it's just she is the best thing that ever happened to me in all my life).

So yeah... all of that fun stuff definitely helped take opiates off my mind and sort my thoughts out. I just know that we could never work out if I abused opiates, so I just don't. We like each other sober the most. The love is powerful enough for me to take my meds as prescribed after abusing them and well that means it is pretty damn powerful haha. Since those drugs really get a hold on me. Time for some more cannabis coconut oil now there's a drug, decent muscle relaxer. And I am getting clean for myself anyway because I can't even work when I'm abusing this stuff. I can't ever go back to heroin I'm lucky to be alive. Yep I'm aware I can't stop talking about her and it's probably annoying and she is the same way about me so I think that I should chill out and get really stoned on cannabis edibles for now, I need to be writing here presently since I'm not out of the woods yet. Maybe next time about a taper plan but I'm feeling great on this low dose so like why bother if I can control it (the main thing to watch out for, I don't want to be taking two or three percs at at time I'll just get addicted if I take more than one and ruin my life).

The max amount of IR oxycodone I would trust myself with taking is 5 milligrams in the event of breakthrough pain if the extended release isn't enough that day. At my current tolerance I'd get really high taking something like 15mg... like, probably close to how H used to make me feel in the beginning.
 
Last edited:
My fiancee is about to start tapering 10mg+ clonazepam starting today. 0,5mg drops twice a week.
Let see how this goes.
 
LOL Shroomy!! I love it that you are so head over heels in love. You put a lot of how I feel about my relationship into words.
I want to see us both/all happy and able to live a nice, good, exciting life together with our soul mates.
That is how it feels for me is that I have met my soul mate. I cannot believe how perfectly matched we are and how much we understand one another. I can't even wait to get to the physical part! Lucky you!

I'm so happy for you (and for me) with finding such great, compatible people. Being a team is so much better! It feels so great to not be alone anymore huh? I also went through a very lonely time. I am still trying to figure out how to live with this damn chronic pain and disability from that. I found someone who understands and is patient with me and who listens. We like to be very creative together also and I guess that is what it is going to take- some creativity!

You are right about your pain medication - taken as prescribed!!- will make you feel good. Just right. No need to go to the extremes on it brother because at higher doses it just fucks you over. You know that.
I have found that for me, it is best to take the same amount every day. Any up and down in dosage is painful.

How are things going with the benzo's? Do you have enough? Don't run out of those.

Mr. Root, let us know how the clonazepam taper goes with your fiancé. Good luck and God Bless.

Shroomy, I like your guys idea about the writing of your stories from your different perspectives and writing a book together!
I can dig that! I like it!
We have kind of been doing that too. We make different C.D's of our e-mails, pictures, music, etc.
I like how you two have even expanded on that! Very nice!
 
I'm happy for you too. Cool how you've been keeping records too it seems. It will be nice to look back on them. I'm happy for myself, but I'm also proud of myself for making it happen especially right in heroin withdrawal. I a m Took immense effort to get to know such a quirky and special creature. Not everyone finds someone really special in life. I'm really happy to have experienced it and I am really trying to make the most out of my lovely romance with her.

Yeah, loneliness was always my problem. I never had girlfriends growing up, except for one previous woman in my early 20's who was completely not right for me. This girl means the world to me, but loneliness was (very clearly) the reason I began to abuse drugs. While all my friends had girlfriends or were having fun in university, I was having too many social problems at the time to be able to handle anything like that so I ended up being alone the whole time and thinking there was something wrong with my head. I lost all my self confidence, became a shell of my former self before the abuse even began. I also always wanted to find love young, even back in university, but I couldn't communicate or respond to flirting cues, stuff like that. Pretty sure I was autistic but got over most of that. So first it was binge drinking at any social gathering, smoking weed chronically in a really stupid way like not respecting the plant anymore and using as an escape. Then it was Mdma and cocaine for a while. After I hurt my spine it was all benzos, copious amounts of weed, and opiates (weed is also a bit of a pest to me, I smoke way too much of it, more than I'd like to).

I'm doing well with the benzos, thanks for asking. I've been high strung about running out as it would be a medical emergency but I managed to get a whole bunch of lorazepam. Wishing you well, and squeaky too. I am still taking my prescribed dose I think that's the plan. When I feel rage and anger is when I desire the extras to get high and fuck off, usually it is a frivolous altercation with someone in my family. I plan on moving away in the near future because this place just seems like shit to me now. I need change, except in the world of women. I am good there, haha.

Oh and about soul mates, we say similar things to each other all the time. I definitely believe in that kind of stuff, I have seen quite a few spirits throughout my life from a grade 6 again
 
https://youtu.be/9LWK9zH0k3A
Y&T "Hard Times"
"Good-bye hard times!"

Thanks Shroomy. It is very exciting and unexpected and just amazing!
I'm so glad to see us so happy!
It will be lots of fun (and has been already) to go back and look at all our cd's and writings.
That is cool we are doing that. I like it. We could both tell this was something special right from the start.
I am so thankful.

I am glad to hear that you have enough benzo's to make it. I know you were worried about that. I am terrified of that now.
It actually helped me not to fear the opiate withdrawal anymore by going through that benzo withdrawal.
You are right about it being a medical emergency. One you really have to get help with.
Keep to the lowest dose possible. It is a lot better when you just use the prescribed dosage. It builds up pain control and makes it much easier to move every day. Helps with mood and anxiety which comes along (worse) with chronic pain.

Loneliness and isolation is a problem we have to watch out for. It is important to keep seeing your family and be on good terms with them. It helps a lot. Try to use forgiveness and compassion dealing with everyone. Including yourself.

I hope you feel good today and are doing well with everything. I think the plan of taking your medications as prescribed is a good plan. That plan is working for me. Keep up the good work. It feels much better to be stable. I use my diet too in order to keep a good balance going in my body.

Enjoy your time with your girl! We have entire new lives ahead of us. It is going to be an adventure.
 
Thanks for the advice, at the moment I am taking one lorazepam and one diazepam a day. I'm mainly concerned with distancing myself from the harder opiates for now, and keeping my benzo supply in stock while keeping track of what I'm using. I actually really like ativan as a benzo, so I am happy that I stocked that one up.

I am still taking my meds as prescribed and it's working out well. I definitely feel better, but I really wouldn't push it past this dose level since then I would mess my life up or run out early of my meds.

Really cool how you are in a similar situation with the romantic stuff. It really is wonderful and I too knew right away that she was special, something special was between us right from the start. Eventually it was obvious that we were falling in love, and then she was the first to say it. The way it happened and the time was just perfect and that was one of the happiest days of my life. It confirmed to me that she feels the same way. I'd like to marry her one day and we make a wonderful team together. We complement each other and enhance each other's lives. She motivates and encourages me to do my best and I have a vision with her, where I want to eventually be in life. When I first met her I ended up spending 4 days with her just hanging out and getting to know each other (that took me a long time to understand her). I won't be seeing her for a little while now and I think it's going to be tough. Anyways, hope you are doing well too. I'm pretty lonely without her around because she completes me but I'm not about to reach for dope or anything for that. I just miss that sweet hearted cute one, I'll see her pretty soon though and I can't wait.

I find that benzos don't even work for the opiate-related extreme withdrawal anxiety (if anyone else gets that). It could just be me I have had a panic disorder for several years now. So taking them for opiate withdrawal is a horrible decision, it increases my tolerance and I get so wound up with that shit that benzos don't even really work in opiate withdrawal. I'm happy that I am getting those under control and not using the powder ones anymore like etizolam.
 
Last edited:
I'm having a bad pain flare up and migraine. Not feeling well at all. I know that living with chronic pain and anxiety and depression etc. is very difficult.

I just wanted to keep encouraging you Shroomy. You are doing really well. I am glad to hear you are getting the benzo problem under control and that you will not run out of those. I also like the Ativan (lorazepam) as a benzo. It really has some muscle relaxing abilities as well as anger, frustration calming benefits for me.

You should start to level out from the opiate withdrawal soon. Your body will adjust to taking the prescribed dosage soon.
With both the pain medication as well as the anxiety medication. Try to keep it as regular as you possibly can.

i hope you are doing good without your girl there with you. I know you are missing her.

I'm praying for all of us and hope everyone is doing okay. Sending lots of love to you all.
 
I hope you feel better soon! Migraines are shit. My back pain has been just awful lately, lots of pain. I've been having panic attacks but since I started taking my benzos on more of a schedule and letting the valium build up in my body, I have those under control a little better. I know I have to deal with my benzo dependency but that will be down the road and with a heavily calculated and advised and researched taper plan. I stopped smoking weed, because I don't think it's a good choice for me. It makes it so that I'm on too many drugs. I can get a lot of anxiety from it sometimes, and also some rebound anger. I like to smoke pot (well, eat edibles or dab hash oil) in acute withdrawal but weed ends up complicating things for me.

I really like Ativan as a benzo, it is one of my benzos of choice for generalized anxiety and panic disorder. I'd rather take lorazepam for an actual panic attack than a short acting benzo like xanax which is just not for me. Ativan is a happy middle ground and then it's nice to have a little valium each morning because of the long half life preventing panic attacks to begin with and yeah, so that's under control for the moment and I know I have to initiate the taper process once I feel like the time is right. For now, I am making sure that I'm stable with those and that I'm not taking more of them to compensate. I did that uncontrollably when I was withdrawing from H and it was shit so now that I'm essentially through opiate withdrawal and more or less using a low dose as prescribed for pain, I am really watching it with the benzos because as one professional put it, my brain tends to seek alternatives.

I am doing okay with the opiates, I have gotten high taking three percocets a few times but I am watching the pill count. I've actually just had some really horrible back pain lately, so I'm still dependent on a mild dose of oxycodone but I really don't see that a problem unless it goes above 40 milligrams a day again. Anything above that, and I feel that I have to stop. Generally I've been taking them as prescribed though and it's nice not to see the prescription bottle disappear! I'm not even thinking about how to get more at all, because I don't need more than that. I would still have some withdrawal to go through to get "clean" but considering the amount of H I was using a few months ago I'd say I've made a ton of progress. It's not even a numbers thing, I just really have changed and a lot of things in my life have changed too in order to reflect that. I wouldn't have the girlfriend that I do unless she could sense that I'm serious and responsible (we get silly and have fun too but we needed to know the other was serious).

Sending well wishes your way about the bad pain and migraine. That really sucks, I used to have migraines as a kid and I still remember that weird kind of pressure headache. So, I am finding it extremely challenging to live with chronic pain. I find it even harder to live with panic attacks, but the benzos treat those a hell of a lot better long term than the opiates treat my back pain. I'm really happy with my relationship. Just remember Painful One not everyone is blessed with what I suspect or know is real love happening to the both of us. I am seriously just totally crazy about this lady and having her away is pretty tough, especially quitting what I am quitting. I will get to see her by the end of the week though : ) we really can't keep our hands off each other so I mean, we were giving ourselves a month haha but it didn't work out like though. We often joke about what crazy sex fiends we are, but it's not just that we have a lovely thing going on. She'd be upset to know that I took 3 percs at a time a few times so if that continues I'll have to tell her. I'm just at the point where my script is enough so it's hard to let go of that when it is a low enough dose that it isn't really causing problems the same and is pretty much like a really long taper from the amount of heroin I was doing which is definitely still affecting me several months down the road. It's really one step at a time and I find PAWS symptoms challenging and if I impulsively used H that would be really not good for me.

I'm a happy man and that is really what counts. I'm happy with my efforts lately and proud of what I have accomplished this year. I have a vision for the future that I have thought a lot about and it is fuelling my day to day energy. I am nowhere near the level of addiction I was at earlier this year where I literally could not get out of bed for at least 5 days without these opiates unless it was to slowly walk all hunched over to the washroom or kitchen taking immense effort just to pour myself some water for instance - and not only that, but I would be suffering unbearably without them. The withdrawal symptoms were extreme and presently they would be mild if I wanted off completely (I don't, my back hurts like hell, and it's time to give moderation a solid chance).

The relief periods, which could no longer really be called highs, lasted around 2 to 3 hours as opposed to 6 to 8 when I first relapsed with dope last winter. I was thinking specifically of using in order to not be sick, now I take the back pain level into consideration and how many pills I have left to manage for the month. Nowadays I can get more than just pain relief from percocet doses I was not able to feel earlier this year. Also, since quitting, I have built this lovely romance together with my girlfriend and we both had to put a lot of effort in. We made it happen after seeing the potential early on and it hasn't been easy to end up with my first relationship that is actually really constructive for the two of us. I really do love the lady with all my heart so being away from her even for like a week is hard for me. She's just a total fox and cutie and having her is enough! I'm really happy to be in love, it is such an uplifting thing in life. I have always wanted to fall in love and it took forever to stumble into a fucking awesome romance.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top