Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[Squeaky]

Yay so I have about two more hours until two o clock and three until 3 ! I woke up around 10 30 pm I got some sleep at around well it was still light out. Right before evening maybe.
It was. I guess that was called another nod. I Don't really care at least I was doing something. Sleeping. Sleep is good. It's healthy right.
So I haven't had a dose yet. Another fix. I might be able to go without one. But that seems like too much pot and dabz are probably worse than shooting heroine. I don't know. No dabz are better.
If I AM going to dose I should just do one right now. Two or three hours aren't going to matter. Well anyway if it's a fix it sure did help.
I am sorry. I really made an effort to taper but it turned into a catastrophe of just cutting back. So that is my taper. So far.
So sorry I am trying to stay on topic. And taper. Maybe I should try real hard to find an opioid track but I always end up here.
I tried to stay awake all day today and I consumed way too much caffeine. It is really effecting my health. I heard monster drinks are even causing heart attacks. I am not trying not to die. Just not to suffer.
And is also very important to try to stay healthy. ♡

Papercuts nailed it.. If your goal is to quit forever then tapering could be your path. If you’re not quitting, then a taper only means suffering until you realize you can get more high with less drugs.

Also.... the high-dose caffeine basically ruins most of your high. You said you need sleep and you drink too much caffeine in the same post. Too much caffeine is like speed, and you would need opiates to get back to normal. Sounds like shooting heroin to get past a Naloxone overdose.

No judgment here. I just don’t enjoy watching anyone suffer needlessly. And these drugs aren’t cheap. It would be nice for you to get the most ‘bang for your buck’.

 

[Squeaky]

I feel a bit crap because the people we were with last night were people I'd told. I'd been so confident (in the summer) that I had it under control that I told them what a junkie I used to be, but no more, here is the brand new me
So that's a great way to make a fool of yourself if anyone is looking for tips

A couple of years ago it occurred to me that my wd symptoms look exactly like the flu. So about once per month I would get my bullshit ready and if anyone seemed to notice I was not well, I just said ‘I think I am getting sick’. It was perfect and got me away from a lot of uncomfortable questions.

Now with COVID-19 its even better. I tell people that I had Covid in January 2020, before there was a reliable test. Most folks know it can be really bad for a really long time, but they know very little of the specifics. I can say it’s affecting basically any part of my anatomy and I just get questions about Covid. I don’t like being the guy who looks for sympathy so I don’t use it to get out of working if I can avoid it, but it totally derails the conversation away from drugs and I look like a hard-working person who just really needs to rest.

 

[Squeaky]

I tried cold water extraction this morning. Typical drug addict..... I was in too much of a rush and I think I just rinsed a bunch of oxy down the drain.

Switching to Percocet from Oxy 30’s might have been the best idea I have had in years. I’m afraid of hurting my liver and now I see that I’m no good at CWE. Last month I had almost no problem with my prescription (I ran out but it wasn’t really a problem). I got my refill yesterday and I feel like I’m craving my drugs a lot less than before I had quit in May.

My current goal is to only use the pills early in the morning and only on weekends. That’s the only time I can enjoy some peace and quiet for an hour or two AND take my pills

 

[Squeaky]

Sorry, I'll go take my doom and gloom elsewhere. I'm much better at cheering on others in their tapering attempts once I'm fixed myself, I'm that much of a fucking hypocrite.

Don’t leave!!! You fit in perfectly right here

 

[papercuts]

Don’t leave!!! You fit in perfectly right here

Thank you, the day hasn't improved so a kind word is welcome.
I'm feeling like I need more opiates, my eyes actually have visible pupils, but actually I'm craving this white widow in front of me so bad and I have to finish work first. I don't want sacked on top of everything else that's making me miserable today (yeah and most of that is my cravings or my paranoia and I know the real world is fine). And I feel sick.
I'll be back

 

[papercuts]

Coffee doesn't really do anything. Tea is good sometimes for my morning shift time. Coffee and tea are weak compared to Monster energy though. I was able to figure it out while paying attention though. Monster has L-Carnitine AND Taurine ! They both pass through the BBB.
I wonder how much longer these drinks are going to be legal ? It is a low dosage however, BUT together with my other low dose it is EXPLOSIVE and really Packs a Punch. The drinks work good.

If I drink coffee after 9am in the morning, then I won't sleep. My tolerance to other things is annoyingly high, but caffeine, no, I can't handle that at all if I want to sleep past 3am the following night. I was told the reason is that I don't smoke tobacco any more, that helps clear it out of your system. Certainly I used to drink loads of caffeine all day when I smoked and it wasn't a problem. Just my thoughts because I thought the same as squeaky, insane amounts of caffeine aren't going to allow any natural sleep and it's so important to your health.

 

[papercuts]

You have to cut back AND cut down on quantity ! You have to. You have to do a little bit BUT only a little bit for the sickness. It helps so much. You can't keep doing so much.
It is NOT HEALTHY ANYMORE.
A little bit can be so much better !! And if not, doing too much is going to make you sick and is dumb. Just use small amounts and less each time BUT only to take away the sickness.
You have to balance this all out and YOU HAVE TO STOP with the taking way to much. STOP NOW. It is not going to help you anymore and ever again !!!
Please try to focus. It's not EVEN as difficult as benzo is. AND this can be done ? It's too easy or then you just choose not to ?

Yeah, I think about it a lot.

 

[papercuts]

Think more please ♡. ☺

I'm just miserable when I can't have any drugs, like working when I have to concentrate. It's pathetic and I realise that, but at the same time I'm happy enough being physically dependant because it all helps.
I don't actually have a good reason to stop other than I'm breaking a law that I disagree with, so no good reason.

 

[Squeaky]

You have to cut back AND cut down on quantity ! You have to. You have to do a little bit BUT only a little bit for the sickness. It helps so much. You can't keep doing so much.
It is NOT HEALTHY ANYMORE.
A little bit can be so much better !! And if not, doing too much is going to make you sick and is dumb. Just use small amounts and less each time BUT only to take away the sickness.
You have to balance this all out and YOU HAVE TO STOP with the taking way to much. STOP NOW. It is not going to help you anymore and ever again !!!
Please try to focus. It's not EVEN as difficult as benzo is. AND this can be done ? It's too easy or then you just choose not to ?

I used to tell myself that. ‘Just enough so I won’t be sick’. And I’m a pretty smart person. Somehow I ALWAYS got down to a very low level and it sounded so nice to have a little extra “this one time”. “I earned it” “It’s the weekend” “If I take a little extra before lunch I can relax”.

There’s a component of opiate use that I have never seen addressed. It hijacks my sense of rationalism. I know I’m screwing myself by using too much. I suffered through wd’s every month for two years. I was so miserable and I swore I wouldn’t do it again, but I didn’t even wait to get home from the pharmacy to take triple my prescribed dose. I made the same exact plan to NOT get into trouble every month, and I failed in the exact same way every time.

“INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER BUT EXPECTING A DIFFERENT OUTCOME.”

Opiates make us insane. At least a drunk can blame it on being drunk. I would be past the withdrawals and stone sober when I would get my script filled. Somehow I made the exact same decision as I had every month for a couple of years and I was convinced that this month would be different. That’s why I didn’t make any progress until I made it somebody else’s responsibility to make those decisions for me. I think the drugs actually rob us of our sanity in a very subtle but undeniable way.

 

[papercuts]

I used to tell myself that. ‘Just enough so I won’t be sick’. And I’m a pretty smart person. Somehow I ALWAYS got down to a very low level and it sounded so nice to have a little extra “this one time”. “I earned it” “It’s the weekend” “If I take a little extra before lunch I can relax”.

There’s a component of opiate use that I have never seen addressed. It hijacks my sense of rationalism. I know I’m screwing myself by using too much. I suffered through wd’s every month for two years. I was so miserable and I swore I wouldn’t do it again, but I didn’t even wait to get home from the pharmacy to take triple my prescribed dose. I made the same exact plan to NOT get into trouble every month, and I failed in the exact same way every time.

“INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER BUT EXPECTING A DIFFERENT OUTCOME.”

Opiates make us insane. At least a drunk can blame it on being drunk. I would be past the withdrawals and stone sober when I would get my script filled. Somehow I made the exact same decision as I had every month for a couple of years and I was convinced that this month would be different. That’s why I didn’t make any progress until I made it somebody else’s responsibility to make those decisions for me. I think the drugs actually rob us of our sanity in a very subtle but undeniable way.

I agree, this opiate use is not rational, we do it anyway regardless.
Of course it goes much further, I am aware of both voices. The one that is tired and bullied and reminds me of the insanity involved and the one that tells that gentle voice to sod off while we have some fun. Even though they are more like patterns of thought than actual voices, it still sounds as crazy as it is.
It's the only problem my husband has with it, he says he worries about my mental health. I agree with him that I need to be careful, but physical pain is also bad for mental health. Only opiates help my pains and sometimes the pain's not gone, still it allows me to sleep until it's gone.

 

[Squeaky]

I agree, this opiate use is not rational, we do it anyway regardless.
Of course it goes much further, I am aware of both voices. The one that is tired and bullied and reminds me of the insanity involved and the one that tells that gentle voice to sod off while we have some fun. Even though they are more like patterns of thought than actual voices, it still sounds as crazy as it is.
It's the only problem my husband has with it, he says he worries about my mental health. I agree with him that I need to be careful, but physical pain is also bad for mental health. Only opiates help my pains and sometimes the pain's not gone, still it allows me to sleep until it's gone.

I think at some point we are all just wanting our life back. The life before the injury, before the withdrawals. The life when we NEEDED an alarm clock to avoid sleeping until noon and we couldn’t remember the last time we saw a Dr. The pills give us that life back, even if it’s only for a few hours.

I have come to the conclusion that it’s not possible for me to be careful. I’m either on the meds or not. There’s not really any life in between. I enjoy not thinking about them, and I feel great when there’s no fear of running out. Everything in between is just purgatory. My mind tells me that it would be ideal to have as much as I want forever, but it’s insane and it would never happen anyway. Right now I’m just hoping I can get to a place where I can use it when I need and nothing more.

 

[Squeaky]

I caught myself thinking stupid this morning. Remembering all of the times I had successfully passed the first two weeks of withdrawals. I had used loperamide or just white-knuckled my way through. Got to where I wasn’t good but also not really bad. To a place where I was on the mend and then..... prescription day! The clock starts over again. As Dundermifflin said ‘Groundhog Day’. Going back because of the pain, staying because of the addiction.
I still haven’t figured out if Kratom has saved me or screwed me. If the DEA manages to make it illegal then I’m completely screwed. But in the mean time I am so completely tethered to my pain management situation that I’m basically living for my next dose.

Some days it’s really hard to stay positive. I get despondent, remembering how it was before I got hurt and realizing it probably won’t ever be that way again. In the middle just trying to hide these problems from everyone. I know I’ll make it but days like this I just want to quit.

 

[Squeaky]

At least my bowels are moving. I think my record two years ago was 14 days without a ‘movement’.

 

[papercuts]

At least my bowels are moving. I think my record two years ago was 14 days without a ‘movement’.

Holy shit, that's long! Were you still eating?

 

[n3ophy7e]

At least my bowels are moving. I think my record two years ago was 14 days without a ‘movement’.

Yeah I think my record was about that long. I wasn't eating though. Fuck....it took years for my gut to get back to some kind of normality after I stopped abusing opes.

 

[papercuts]

Yeah I think my record was about that long. I wasn't eating though. Fuck....it took years for my gut to get back to some kind of normality after I stopped abusing opes.

My guts were never the same after a short affair with H many years ago but I think I picked up some bug as well due to my living conditions back then not being great. Either way it was bad, but only after I stopped, lol. These days I stay clear of overprocessed food as well as overprocessed drugs. I'm fortunate enough to have access to fresh bud and raw opium in moderation (If your moderation is getting wrecked at least once a day, lol).
That's what I tell myself anyway, I tell myself I don't want anything stronger, I love opium it's better imo because it will be longer before I crash and burn.
And I quit Buprenorphine completely just last month. It was one or the other and bupe isn't as nice, it's there if I need it.

 

[Squeaky]

Holy shit, that's long! Were you still eating?

Not holy, just a lot of shit. Ha!
I was eating, but not nearly enough. During my first year on opiates I lost a lot of weight. I’m over 6’ tall and I dropped from about 220lbs to 170lbs with zero exercise. Ironically it sort of worked in my favor because I was able to say “I lost all this weight. I kept it off. I have done everything I can and I still have back pain”. That was before my first surgery.

Later my lawyer sent me to an internist (doctor) to be evaluated for my disability. It was right at the end of a two week stretch without crapping. That doctor poked around my abdomen and he looked terrified for me. My lawsuit got settled for my back injury and I now have lifetime medical for my back, but also for my upper and lower digestive tract.

I went through that every month for two years. I would get my script filled, take way too much for a week or two, and not crap that whole time. Not even once. After I ran out I would be dying on the toilet for about a week, dropping boulders. It always took me about 7-10 days to get back to normal movements. It’s way better now because I’m at least using Kratom for 12 hours at night instead of the Percocet, so I usually drop the Browns at the Super Bowl every morning. Still constipated but it moves usually once per day.

This is one of those really bad side effects of opiate use that NOBODY talks about. People complain way too much in my opinion, sometimes about trivial things, but I was literally tearing myself a new asshole several times every month. My place has only one bathroom and once I plugged the toilet so badly in the middle of the night that I had to unbolt it from the floor at 3am. I tried everything to unplug it but nothing worked so I had to take the toilet into the backyard and clear the blockage by hand.

 

[Squeaky]

And I quit Buprenorphine completely just last month. It was one or the other and bupe isn't as nice, it's there if I need it.

I’m scared of bupe. The ultra long lasting opiates have some very long wd’s. I can’t imagine the detox I went through lasting 3 or 4 times as long.

 

[papercuts]

I’m scared of bupe. The ultra long lasting opiates have some very long wd’s. I can’t imagine the detox I went through lasting 3 or 4 times as long.

Because I have a transdermal patch it was quite easy, I left my normal strength patch on for two weeks instead of one, then I removed that and applied a half strength patch and left that two weeks, then removed it and I'm fine. Very little wd from bupe done over four weeks like that, but of course I'm always taking something in the opiate family and I'll continue to for my pain so I never actually went without any opiate.
I've a close relative who is a hospital doctor, he told me it is normal to cycle a patient from one opiate to another and back so the drugs keep their efficacy.

 

[papercuts]

Did I say giving up bupe was no problem?
Last night I lay awake all night after stupidly vaping a gram of bud early on in the evening so I ran out of sleepy weed before bedtime, but I still had some other weed, wide-awake weed of various types from the back of the drawer.
So as I lay awake thinking I'm going to hate tomorrow unless I get some sleep, all I wanted to do was slap on a high strength bupe patch or two. Or have my morning dose early. Or just grabbing the vodka and finishing that. I lay there considering every one of the meds I have stashed here and there, but I stayed in bed with the lights out listening to snoring, which I find comforting.
I don't know what to do about it, I'd like to do something, but nothing too difficult, so that's back to doing nothing about it.

What I'm taking is a lot more fun than bupe, but this waking up feeling like I've been pummelled in the lower back by an angry gorilla who then climbed down my throat and won't stop churning my guts is getting old again quickly. And that's if I even get to sleep.