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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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That's awesome. Let us know if you have any cravings but you seem good. I think they are unavoidable though. Yeah for me it takes 10 days for a full recovery and around 7 to see an improvement (this could change this time because I'm being more healthy). How was cold turkey and when did you jump off the opiates at what dose I mean?

The vacation won't be bad, it's my generalized anxiety / panic disorder / agoraphobia. I worry about the worst things that could happen. The worst thing is that acute withdrawals wouldn't end, and I would be stuck feeling like garbage most of the time and come home with a tan from doing nothing but lay on the beach in withdrawal. I am trying cold turkey now though because I keep failing with these tapers and it just has to be done. I have done nothing with my life since last September or whenever I started this shit.

I am depressed as fuck. I miss being on heroin in the beginning. It was the best time of my life and when I discovered how to channel my creativity. Now, instead of practicing 4 hours a day I'm lucky to get one hour. It's so frustrating, life is so short and I want to be the best at all my hobbies, passions, and career. It's not happening and if things don't change in a year or two I fear - no I know - that I'll end up dead by my own hand. I can't take defeat but there's still hope for the time being. I'm really cutting it close though.

So it has been 24 hours without a dose and things are starting to get nasty. I need to make sure to actually prepare myself from this trip as well, and not miss my flight. I went to a concert the other day and I was all spaced out. The benzos are another issue. I'm a fool.
 
Shroomy, you are not a fool! Just keep working at what you love. take away any thoughts of arrival at a predetermined place of perfection. Art is about the process, loving the process more than the product. The product (whether song or painting or poem) is just a wonderful accidental output of the process. Loving the exploration of music is enough. The concept of 'best' can be a motivator or a motivation killer.
 
Very true. I play music for my personal enjoyment. It's also true that I feel I wasted and ruined my life and in particular career-wise. I'm not much of a perfectionist at this point, I'd just like to have a normal life. If I'm too depressed to look forward to a vacation then something is very wrong. I want to die to escape it since I have rarely left my place in 6 months, and nowhere near this long. I think it might be agoraphobia because the idea of leaving my place for so long is horrifying. I don't want to do this. It is tripping me the fuck out but I took 3 percocets earlier and I was excited about the vacation while I was on them. I need the fucking drugs and I would much prefer to stay home and find a better hit. At least this will reset my tolerance quite a bit so when I get home, the first thing I do will be to use and feel well for the first time in a month. It's too much for my back, all the travelling, without having a good supply. I have been having crying spells all day. I am certainly clinically depressed. Who knows. Maybe I will have a good time. I've been saving all my scripted opiates so that I have every last one for while I'm away. In the meantime, I wish I was dead and really could not care any less at this point. I'd miss my guitars and family and stuff but there wouldn't be any personal suffering. I'm absolutely tempted by suicide every single day. I really wouldn't give a fuck but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it.
 
Here is is 5 weeks folks.
I did the Soboxone taper and as of today, it has been 2 full weeks since I finished Sub replacement, taper, very similar to one I found on line called "Roberts Taper Plan"

This time 5 weeks ago, it was about 9 30 roxies and jawing a Fent patch a day. First I weaned down to 5 pills a day and no fent, not pleasant but something I had to do. Then went CT for about 18 hours before the SUB replacement. I have been on the subs before and the problem is that the start you on WAY to much. I started on just a 1/4 strip followed by another 1/4 in a few hours. Each day over just 21 days, I took a little less and less until the day I woke up not Mr Jones at all.
Yes, the thought of a pill hits my mind a few times every day and this morning, I sifted thru my hand my cashed but never used bottle of roxies. I held one close to my crusher but then I tossed it into the bottle.
I have a safe that I keep my meds in. 2 boxes of patches and 120 pills. Seems like just the knowing I have them feels better than not. Just to be safe, I quickly did a tiny piece of Sub patch. I know that stuff is BS to but for the first time in an embarrassing moment I have been having sex with a real hard dick and cumming! That almost never happened when pills and fent were my sweetie.
 
I am telling you a very light Suboxone plan worked for me and I am a new person for it. Al little snot and a lot of tears is way better than shivering, cold sweating, etc.
 
CfZrx said:
Mr. Root, I'm curious if you ever tried methadone? I wonder how it compares to high dose OxY for pain.
Click to expand...

IMO methadone has no kick. It's just a maintenance drug with no interesting highs especially if you use it to quit something else. It feels nothing. No withdrawals, that's all. It lasts 24 hours and makes you less hungry for other opiates. I used it for many years and I was only relieved I no longer needed anything else.
 
Reading everyone's posts is making me see that I need off the oxy. I have been using around 150mg/ day lately and that is way too much. I'm going to try and hit the wd's hard over the next week and try toget back to 60/day. Then maybe a slow taper from there.
 
(Sorry for typos I"" not on a computer)

At first my trip was entirely negative. It has been about a week at thism80mg so I feel fine now. I am going to drop it 5mg per day until I am at 40mg/day. This shouldn't be too bad - I loaded up on potassium, magnesium, vitamin B, and melatonin. I'm on vacation so I can eat like a king, and there is nomway of me getting drugs here.

I needed a forced detox and at first ky body was screamint at me. I wanted to forfeit the money to stay at home and do H. It was tough at first but now the key ismgoing to be when to cut out ER and when to cut out IR. I may have to drop 10mg a day. I will be short on meds this month... but I'll use ER morphine and sniffed dilaudid instead. That stuff ismtoo expensive for me to abuse the same way as heroin and comes in a much less abusable form. I need to keep off the dope once I'm home. The only real way I will accomplish that is if I drastically lower my tolerance.

i can definitely get pain relief and some energy from 15mg oxy and after two momths of H abuse, I don't think I could have felt 50mg oxy. The key is remembering how horrid the wd is if amd when I get high. Especially with H, I never think about the consequence of running out. That drug is impossible for me to ration like I'm doing now with oxy's. If I was on vacation and said k I need to onoymsniff 80mg today then 70 tomorrow... lol. It'd be gone in two days. It's really the sole opiate I completely lack control over and I need to realize that.

so, I was in a dark place. I might have to drop 15mg today just to ration my pills and be safe that I do not run out. I regretted this so much at first because I was suffering so bad, and I had that braindeqd feeling but I don't need to overuse benzos anymore since I'm past the first week. That lifts my spirits too. I won't make a full recovery before returning home by any means. I really just wamt to make sure I do not use H once I'm back as it ruins my life but I know there is no guarantee amd Imhave to remember how horrible it is running out if that stuff.

So I am actually tapering for the first time in ages. I have to really quickly go from 80 to 40, but I also don't want to ruin my trip. I am starting with a 15mg drop today and then maybe the same tomorrow if I can manage it. Really shouldn't be too awful compared to how I was fuckin around with dope and stuff im high doses before I left. After those two months of constant H use I could sniff several 4mg dillies and not even feel relief which is ridiculous. The purpose of dilaudid to me, is to get strong pain relief and my favourite high after good H once a day (it doesn't work more than once, unlike oxy). I could definitely feel great off 4mg dilaudid right now.

So I have made a lot of progress but it was awful being sick while trwvelling and thenfirst few days here. I ran into some money so I know I'd be fucking myself over if I was home. That's why it's so key that I get down to 40mg asap. I personally don't think it will be had apart from my actual back pain which can be horrendous at these lower doses. I need reminders like this so I don't go back to H. It took at least 6 weeks to recover from two months of H abuse and that whole ti,e I was pretty kuch a braindead zombie... 80mg is really my max dose of oxy before I run into trouble. I'm glad I did this, though. There ws no other way at that point - I had to run away.

i'm also feeling great today and went down to 60mg. Only symptom was increased depression, and the pain that I had to begin with. I'm recovering muchnfaster down here - combo of daily sun, lots of vitamins and minerals, barefoot walks along the beach, and feasting on seafood. I'd recommend oysters as they are important for mens health and in my opinion really help to reboot the testosterone issues somehow. Makes sense as they are a reknowmed aphrodisuac. Really high in zinc. So far I have had over 50 raw oysters amd thatnseems to have helped. I should be able to stick to pills whem I"m home. Lots of coffee for the depression too and it defimitrly helps as well. Liquid vitamin B to help digest all that shit
 
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Shroomy: You courageous man! Going on vacation during a taper!! It sounds like you are handling it well. Keep up the good work, enjoy that great food and sunshine.
btw: I have two weeks clean today!!
 
I've been entirely miserable and lethargic the vast majority of my time here. I'm going to look back after a good hit and regret it. I'm not that sick but I'm very depressed, having panic attacks and my bpd symptoms are coming out. I just want to go home and get high which is ridiculous but I've been wanting to self harm so I really cannot handle this right now. I hate everything about my life so much it's indescribable. I'm having a terrible time and it's not really withdrawal related. My life is absolute shit, seeing my potential go down the drain. I don't think I asked to be born into this shit, amd I don't want to experience it any longer. I'm just done.
 
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My entire vacation has been complete shit except the one day I realized I had enough extras to take around that dose. I was forced into this by other peoples bullshit and it was my own initial choice but it would have raised red flags if I had bailed. I knew I was going to suffer. I knew it would have been worth it to bail on the grand flight due to notmbeing able to get dilaudid in time. But I had to go along with it and pretend to have fun for two fuxking miserable wasted weeks.

I'm done. This "vacation" has torn apart whatever little was left of my spirit. I've spent mot of my time researching hiw tomshoot up dilaudid ding the right veins for me. When I get home I'll have at least 20 shots but more like 40 and them I'll start shooting heroin. That's how it has to be. This lonely, miserable trip from nightmare hell has fuckin ruined me. If only I had the drugs, I'd be having such a wonderful lovely time. I'd probably have met a cute american chic by now but I don't have the strength tomhokd my head up or smile back. I wish I was dead and I've been cutting for the first time in months. Shooting up is a form ofmself harm which will work well with me. I've finally stopped pussying out of needles when I need thatngood of a hit at this point. I don't plan on living long but all I know is I can't live like this at all. It has been weeks of sheer torture, monthsneven, since I haven't had an H stash since January. That's when my life ended... my life has been on hold since then. That's always what It feels like. When Imget heroin again, yesterday will feel likemthat day in January I ran out. I came into a little money so I can get s good fucking run goin on and coupled with iv use I'll actually get some momentum going for oncemas opposed to sick wd sick wd heaven sicm wd fpgreat wd jsut good wd zombie full blown wd all over the place I just need a fix

i need to escape. I need to escape this miserable life and what bothers me the most is what a worthless, disgusting failure I a, with women when really I'm just a nice guy. I can't shake that. Ever. But the opiates take ever my drive for sex and that allows me to function. Otherwise I am crippled by not just spinal agony, but crushing loneliness I've had for ten years. I'm truly ready tomdie and a good and heavy overdose will be a good way to go. I have a few more days if gar age trash in paradise and then I will get the fuck out if here. Bacj to something even worse but at least there are drugs there. My first hit I will just think wow man, you were really miserable in that beautiful place. If only you had smiled back at that cute girl, you probably would have had someone to meet and hang out with the whole time. But you were a miserable pussy. And I'll have the drugs, but it will be too late. I will be tortured by it either but my mindis made up. I'm moving on to the meedle and I seriously couod not give a fuck less. What 28 year old can't even talk to a girl. I'm not even human. I have everything going for me but fucking confidence. I'll be dead soon and homestly I truly can't wait. I can't wait for it to be over and sock it to my family to. They kicked me out when I was a good kid and an engineering student very successful at the time. What better way to get revenge than shame them with a suicide. My girl before even brought this up. She could see it coming. What better way to get back at everyone. I just feel sorry for my little bro but everyone else in my 'real life' can bute it and suffer. I'll be laughing my ass off if there's any sort of afterlife. Probably, all I need is a god damned hit and I'll calm down. I just cannot stand when women go out of their way to try and meet me and I don't do anything or come across as a fucked up loser. Every single time it makes me want to die and it's been going on for ten hears. i use the opiates to numb my drive as much as I use thek to numb my back pain. Anyways, at least I onky have to suffer a few more days. The light at the end of the tunnel, that first shot of dilaudid is near. This trip solidified in my mind that I never, ever, ever want to quit and ince I have ,oney, nit even bither cintrolling my use or tapering.

i !
 
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ShroomySatori, try to keep needles out of your use please. It will just complicate your situation much more.

Last year I was in a situation in which my backpain has caused me to build a tolerance for 160mg oxycontin per day to be painless and +250mg single dose and some benzos to get me nodding.

Before the spinal surgery I admitted to the doctors that I abused drugs and they kept the dose of 160mg per day until my surgery and then started slowly taper it down to zero (10mg per week). Although the taper was relatively easy I relapsed after few weeks of hitting zero and wanted to get to ORT and have been on that since (Suboxone).

Whole of the time I abused I was a miserably piece of shit who had ruined his marriage and couldn't feel secure enough to get known to other people not to even mention to talk to girls.

After getting my shit together after a major depressive perioid (mostly part of my bi-polar disorder and not directly caused by stopping drug abuse) which occurred a while after getting into ORT I have finally been feeling much better and am in a stable relationship and can work and contribute to the society through volunteering to various organizations.

I had never used a needle but was in a stage in which I really considered starting to IV and even did some research on filtering techniques and stuff (I know how to inject through prior education and experience in battlefield situations).

I still feel pain because of my spinal injuries but I have learned to cope with other methods.
 
My current reasoning is I'm arriving home from a trip in which residual / paws withdrawal has made me wish I was dead the whole time in a really nice place. I have 27g 3ml rigs, had em for ages, amd I think I am finally fed up. I will im,ediately he dropping a couple grand on heroin to hold me well for a few months sp I won't be depressed and in pain, but rather able to function normally and with high energy.

since it takes time to source quality raw dope, I have the option of 10 8mg sniffs or twenty 4mg shots which I know will get me WAY higher and hold me over for longer too. As meanwhile I have the good 8mg dillies. I'm just fed up and I know damn well it will complicate things. I've held off for five years but I just can't anymore. I don't ever want to quit, my life is being thrown away before my eyes amd every time I have a good stash, I am fully functional like I never even hurt my spine and then some. Due to all the mental health issues in particular severe depression.

i'm nit willing to work on things, I've tried that and I am almost thirty. I just want to get well because I know I can find a career within a month of being on opiates. Otherwise, I sit around staring at the wall in physical agony and never get better even after several months. I've researched shooting up a lot and talked to my bud who shoots D's three ti,es a day so I'm pretty sure I'll be good. I like to sniff dope though. That's my thing, so if the dillies can hold me sniffed I'll put up with it until I get my real fix. Either way, that first dilaudid high is going to blow my mind after almost two months of fucking suffering taking stupid 5mg percs with my enormous tolerance. Cold turkey withdrawal is just a suicide risk to me. I'm at the beach getting a tan and want to hang myself for crying out loud. If I start shooting up, the annoying thing is I will have to buy 3ml 27g leur locks all the time amd that's an inconvenience. I'll be getting the most out of my expensive, quality drugs but I really just prefer to crush, rack up, roll up and sniff while waiting 15 minutes for relief. I get low in drugs and I get desperate, and with dillies and those rigs on hand... I know it's a bad call but I have already ruined my life, hate myself and want to die.
 
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@Shroomy - Everyone hates themselves, I've been clean off & on & off again. Stared when my exs mom started hand my viks, percs, like candy, for 10 yrs, got on H wit my last man. I would have 2 say, I have never been a happy person. But being on H made me feel suicidal. I hate that feeling, I know I'm more productive, when I'm off that. I sick of spending my $$$, my time, my happiness, my life on that drug. Sorry, ur stuck in that spiral. But, if u wanna quit u'll quit & not make up excuses..
 
ShroomySatori said:
My current reasoning is I'm arriving home from a trip in which residual / paws withdrawal has made me wish I was dead the whole time in a really nice place. I have 27g 3ml rigs, had em for ages, amd I think I am finally fed up. I will im,ediately he dropping a couple grand on heroin to hold me well for a few months sp I won't be depressed and in pain, but rather able to function normally and with high energy.

since it takes time to source quality raw dope, I have the option of 10 8mg sniffs or twenty 4mg shots which I know will get me WAY higher and hold me over for longer too. As meanwhile I have the good 8mg dillies. I'm just fed up and I know damn well it will complicate things. I've held off for five years but I just can't anymore. I don't ever want to quit, my life is being thrown away before my eyes amd every time I have a good stash, I am fully functional like I never even hurt my spine and then some. Due to all the mental health issues in particular severe depression.

i'm nit willing to work on things, I've tried that and I am almost thirty. I just want to get well because I know I can find a career within a month of being on opiates. Otherwise, I sit around staring at the wall in physical agony and never get better even after several months. I've researched shooting up a lot and talked to my bud who shoots D's three ti,es a day so I'm pretty sure I'll be good. I like to sniff dope though. That's my thing, so if the dillies can hold me sniffed I'll put up with it until I get my real fix. Either way, that first dilaudid high is going to blow my mind after almost two months of fucking suffering taking stupid 5mg percs with my enormous tolerance. Cold turkey withdrawal is just a suicide risk to me. I'm at the beach getting a tan and want to hang myself for crying out loud. If I start shooting up, the annoying thing is I will have to buy 3ml 27g leur locks all the time amd that's an inconvenience. I'll be getting the most out of my expensive, quality drugs but I really just prefer to crush, rack up, roll up and sniff while waiting 15 minutes for relief. I get low in drugs and I get desperate, and with dillies and those rigs on hand... I know it's a bad call but I have already ruined my life, hate myself and want to die.
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Hey Shroomy, you've recently helped me tremendously reading your story long before vacation. My Dr suddenly decreased my Oxycontin by 1/3 (3 20mg to 2 20mg) and no more break-thru meds 5/325mg oxy and informed me she'd be weaning me again on upcoming appointment on March 27. You helped me understand what to expect, drew many others to speak out, I've learned from many also going thru W/D that responded to you. We are all rooting for you!!

I suffered, pain is 100 fold at times, have left house only 4 days since March 2. It was hard. Intended to get groceries and grabbed potatoes at one end of store and skipped to opposite side to get lots of frozen dinners, I couldn't handle shopping the aisles in between, PAWS is the worse, or not sleeping 2 nights in a row and only 2 hrs the 3rd night. Drenching clothing sweats, hershey squirts out of blue which I hadn't had in yrs due to severe constipation. I find some w/d symptoms go away and 2 days later I get another taste. I did have extra stashed away and used BTs but cut down on 3rd day and now down to 1/2 of 5mg oxy/amph (poor brand) to help control weaning I needed but knew I needed to save most for upcoming dental work and 4 hr drive to visit grandson and son, 2 hr drive one way to mammo, etc. Also have 1mg alprazolams and took when I couldn't stop RLG and arms too - would take a bite off it and maybe I should take bits more often during drastic cut offs as it , it helped take edge off but agitation, anger at Dr copping out due to regs that may or may not come to pass July 1. Suicidal thoughts too, who want to live in severe chronic pain, this can't be the rest of my life!

The hell I went thru was easier than had I not read and followed your posts, PRIOR to signing up on BL. You are an inspiration to many of us, we kinda need you, in fact! So sorry and warm caring hugs sent your way ~please stay clean and on right track, time to walk away from this Rollercoaster ride. I've seen how awesome you've progressed in the past and you can pick yourself back up, remember the random girls and others that you "connected" with and compliments received. You are a great guy, this deep dark funk will pass....Don't want to lose my secret angel that you didn't even know you were effecting (and only a fraction wa said here) until now. You ARE BETTER than this!
 
Wow, that is the nicest post anyone has ever written to me online : )

I didn't know I was helping anyone just thought I was bitching about myself and annoying people.

thanks for saying I am a great guy. I know that I am and I will make the most of my life with or without opiates. I can still have a very functional life and I am far from useless on opiates. I am useless off them and can't seem to fix myself. It has been two months and I still feel like depressed trash. I always did though, long before any sort of pills and even before chronic pain. I never had any confidence. I can't quit at this point in my life... I am heading home and straight up shooting a dilaudid 8 with some coke mixed in for good measure but I'll come around. This trip has driven me fucking insane and I need a different type of escape.

I have always sold myself short. Always. I can't get over it I have horrible self esteem issues.

I guess I'm just surrounded by people who bring down my self esteem, at least back home. All I know is the missing thing is confidence. I'd rather be on drugs and be able to talk to people and be happy in the meantime. I have a lot more to do than get off drugs and it's not like I have to stop abusing them before I can accomplish anything else.

congrats on tapering off this shit. When I try to taper these days I end up taking upwards of 100mg diazepam a day and I'm really just better off on the opiate garbage as opposed to extreme benzo doses until I can sort some shit out in my life. At least on a high-ish taper dose as opposed to the 40mg or less I've been taking that is driving me bananas. I expect to be successful in many ways this year but honestly I am just not all for getting clean right now. I can slowly taper later on when I have a more stable life, and I absolutely will. Right now everything is WAY too unstable. Once I am employed, girlfriend or social life at least, less depressed and lonely, my own place and money and a career establishing... then it will be time to gradually taper off as I have it down to a science. I don't have a single friend in real life, zero social life, I'm unemployed broke and my spirit is crushed. I need friends... like people to hang out with in real life who actually care about me not just online. I need a lot,of things to change to get better. I'm not even in withdrawal anymore I'm very very VERY lonely and severely depressed. I'm not even taking doses higher than I was last falltapering. I average anywhere from 40 to 60mg a day for the past couple months, occasionally a little more or a little less. If I took 80mg oxy in a day right now, I'd feel it nicely amd have that nice oxy energy and happy feeling. My life has gone drastically downhill since then and I've lost a lot of hope and confidence. It isn't really drug related in that sense it's just the life situation I am in right now is so overwhelming in so many ways that I am out of control, compltely self destructive and see no way out. I did heroin all winter to deal with it and everything was okay then. I didn't want to die; I was happy then, and also making progress. I can pretty easily hustle the type of career job I want when I'm high, etc.. people are blind to my faults and I have a lot of ambition on opiates... otherwise I don't have the confidence to bother trying. Doesn't have to be that way forever but for now... I am right fucked

It is nice to know I helped you.
 
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Thanks again! That message was really nice.

So there is too much residual shit in my system to shoot up for the first time today. 100mg diazepam + like 5mg etizolam a day for a week. This is what happened last year. I had been on a similar dose for a few months and Iost it with anxiety and depression. So, with all those benzos and also a decent amount of oxy in my system today (40mg ER and 35mg IR total) I'm gonna break an 8 in balf and sniff 4mg, if I don't feel the magic which i will I'll do a whole one. And start sourcing my stronger opiates. That doesn't mean I am fiending. I literally don't have any pills other than ten dilaudid so I need more shit. Sucks.

Thing is this is how I've felt throughout my 20's... empty. Depressed. So fucking lonely except for one relationship when things were so much better than they are now. Even when all I did was smoke pot, I felt empty, angry, depressed, lethargic, and general malaise. The only difference is I have excruciating chronic pain and panic attacks now. So... like after two months I begin to wonder. I feel the same as I did back then, and I need to address why I happen to be so lonely (which is extremely obvious to me), anxious (incredibly obvious), and depressed (very obvious, but multi-faceted and a little more complicated.

I am definitely not in acute withdrawal at this dose and my back pain is for the most part controlled. I only ever abuse benzos like that when I don't have opiates. I only ever pop quarter or half tabs of amphetamine, or rail coke when I'm not using opiates. Even on vacation, I was drinking ten cups of coffee a day trying to get a hit. I'm just filling an emptiness in my life. To be honest I thought I'd find love in university 5 years ago and be married with a kid by now, that's where I feel I should be at. Most people my age are still in a party phase but having burnt myself out that is what I'd like. It just didn't happen, it's still not happening and I need to be high something in the meantime. The only drugs I use on opiates are occasionally psychedelics because I have a genuine interest in them and well that's just me and it's not going to change. I've had one ridiculous trip on 2cb this year so far and I'm done for the year as it was too crazy. Apart from dmt. Dmt actually feels medicinal and honestly healthy and I like to do yoga after smoking it.

Anyways, I am not giving up but I am also in no rush to stop using. I definitely don't want my use to escalate into the 100's of milligrams again because I start getting side effects. But I will always suffer from depression that is very challenging to treat. If only I had a nice social life and a job that ai like I mean it's not rocket science. So I won't be turning to the needle today. Tomorrow? Well... tomorrow is another day.
 
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