Positive The Tapering Support Thread v 2.0

[Painful One]

Some days I feel more like a turd in the bushes.

Ha!!!

Heheh. I know my friend, I know.
I am trying to have a positive attitude through this shitstorm.

 

[Painful One]

Money doesn’t buy happiness. There is a great documentary “I Am” by Tom Shadyac. He is a multi millionaire producer in Hollywood. Young guy, Becerly Hills, Ferraris, front row at the Oscars, etc.

Today he lives in a trailer by the beach. He’s still rich but he lives a very simple life. Happiness comes from a walk in the woods, or a snowball fight. He figured out that money only created more desire for more money.

You have a good life P.O. It’s probably the depression that you’re experiencing from the medication, wd’s, adjusting to new meds, etc. I went through all of it for a couple of years. I get to see the pattern now because of how I’m screwing up my pills each month. I get really hopeless for a few days when my pills run out. Everything seems so bad. I feel like a complete loser. I usually think everyone would be better off if I disappeared. It’s horrible: so subtle but also soooo overwhelming.

You obviously have people who love you or you would be homeless. Now, I focus on helping those people who love me. They want their husband/father/friend to be safe and healthy. You have the same people in your life who only want you to be healthy and happy also. Maybe you could do the same thing and help them by getting yourself back to who you used to be?

Yup.
Well said.

My family is the best and they have stood by me no matter what. I have really put their love to the test.
I want to get myself back for them and for me. I fucking miss my badass self.
I am tired of being ruled by this drug and pain.
I am going to escape this prison.

I know well that money doesn’t buy happiness. I have been super wealthy before, had numerous businesses. Many employees.
I have never been more miserable in my life!
I remember thinking “I have everything, I could go anywhere, I could do anything....so, why am I so miserable????”
I am a simple lady. I enjoy the simple life.
I don’t need all that.
More money comes with more problems.

You are right @Squeaky
My dear friend, we have been fighting this battle for so fucking long.
Let‘s get this done!

 

[Painful One]

 

[Painful One]

Yup.
Well said.

My family is the best and they have stood by me no matter what. I have really put their love to the test.
I want to get myself back for them and for me. I fucking miss my badass self.
I am tired of being ruled by this drug and pain.
I am going to escape this prison.

I know well that money doesn’t buy happiness. I have been super wealthy before, had numerous businesses. Many employees.
I have never been more miserable in my life!
I remember thinking “I have everything, I could go anywhere, I could do anything....so, why am I so miserable????”
I am a simple lady. I enjoy the simple life.
I don’t need all that.
More money comes with more problems.

You are right @Squeaky
My dear friend, we have been fighting this battle for so fucking long.
Let‘s get this done!

Correction- I have been monetarily rich, not WEALTHY.
Wealth is something entirely different and I truly feel WEALTHY now!

PS: you are correct, I would be homeless and dead if not for their unconditional Love for me!
I am so very GRATEFUL and BLESSED!
Beyond measure.

 

[Painful One]

I am so sick right now, I am off my rocker.
But I am going to break through!

 

[papercuts]

What the frick, I put on a tiny little bupe patch yesterday because I was being sick, but it might have been a bug because I felt feverish the day before, but I felt awful and just wanted to stop being sick. So now after the absense of bupe for 10 weeks I can feel even one patch and my brain has said, ok, we'll go with bupe and I don't want to drink my pod tea which is sitting infront of me. It's the perfect scenario for getting over the first few days and the exact scenario I was trying to set up for after christmas.
So that's not good.
I'm kicking myself for sticking one on yesterday, I was waiting until after christmas. Well this stuff never seems to go to plan, but by the time I'm actually ready to quit pods I won't be feeling this newness from the bupe. Shot myself in the foot again I think. We have people staying over the holidays and I've got to keep going, can't do withdrawal until they leave.
No, hold on, these people are people who love me unconditionally. I can be me.
I'm listening @Painful One .
I forget some people do love unconditionally, myself included. I'll relax a bit and still keep in mind the date they leave which is also the day before I go back to work. Problem for withdrawal then too.
My counsellor said my family didn't love me unconditionally, there were far too many conditions that were impossible for a child so I shouldn't blame myself that it all fell apart and I ended up alone, cold and hungry, it was always going to happen. But I was 16 and other family didn't take me in because my mom lied to them and in my stupid loyalty to her I always played along and pretended to need nothing more than she gave. The counsellor called her very good at manipulating me, but I must now stand up for myself. So I stood up to her. Shit, the fallout is still coming nearly a year later. I'm very glad I didn't stand up to her when I was younger because I was already suicidal at that time and slicing great chunks out of myself both physically and mentally. This year has absolutely put me through the wringer from quite a fair starting point, back then it might have finished me, I was a cat with 99 lives but my mom could finish off a hundred of me. She has basically behaved exactly as the counsellor predicted which was quite impressive.

 

[Squeaky]

She has basically behaved exactly as the counsellor predicted which was quite impressive.

It’s like watching a dog from across the street. You can just tell if he wants to play or attack. And once you have dogs of your own you can tell just by the way he barks, without even seeing him. Pitbulls usually bite. Bulldogs always snore. Etc.

My mother wanted to be a show-poodle, but she was more like a stray mutt. And she crapped on the carpet every chance she got. I spent at least 10 years if my adult life trying to get the stains out of my life.

 

[papercuts]

My mother wanted to be a show-poodle, but she was more like a stray mutt. And she crapped on the carpet every chance she got. I spent at least 10 years if my adult life trying to get the stains out of my life.

You always make me laugh Squeaky it's the very graphic images that you paint with your words, skillfully done.

 

[Painful One]

@Squeaky
I think they have killed me.
I got fever of 102.7
brain burning up
cannot move my neck or arms. My neck is broken.

Think I could have meningitis.
I am just whimpering and crying out the slightest movement makes me scream
I am so fucked
Hospital won’t be able to relieve the pain due to suboxone.

My mom got sick first, super bad cough. She is doing better. I am going down.
Caught something bad and changing medications = killed.

Yeah, when they kill one of us, then we will know.
I want you guys to be aware.

Throwing up and coughing so hard.
I think I am gonna die.
Was feeling better, starting to stabilize but this change triggered something.
Or....we caught some horrible sickness and changing medications on top of this is hell.
The change to bupe wasn’t bad untill this illness hit us.

Love you all.
Unconditionally


PS: I got some ibuprofen down and some water. I am feeling a tiny bit better.
Hopefully this will pass quickly.

 

[papercuts]

My head hurts so bad I think my eye is very slowly exploding. I had less pods yesterday seeing as how I had a bupe patch on again, now I can't keep from retching so that makes it tricky to get pods into me. Haha, maybe a pod tea enema, but that would start that end too.
So I'm either so bunged up from a few days not pooing that it can't go down any more and is coming up or I'm in withdrawal and that's why it's coming up.
In my mind they can't both be at the same time, but it is and I couldn't even work the stovetop expresso maker so I'm fooked.
I fricking hate codeine. So small sips of tea it is.
If this was after christmas I'd keep going with it, but I have to get well now.
I wonder is there some pwd in it with the bupe, is it better to keep it on or take it off?
I guess it could still be a tummy bug like I thought yesterday

 

[Squeaky]

So I'm either so bunged up from a few days not pooing that it can't go down any more and is coming up

That actually happened to me once recently. My digestive tract is so backed up from my ‘adventures’, and I ate something that gave me horrible gas cramps. Normally something like that would hurt my intestines until I farted, but not this time. I thought I was gonna die until I vomited up the stuff that was supposed to go out the other end. It was pretty disgusting but thank God it finally came out.

 

[Squeaky]

@Squeaky
I think they have killed me.
I got fever of 102.7
brain burning up
cannot move my neck or arms. My neck is broken.

Think I could have meningitis.
I am just whimpering and crying out the slightest movement makes me scream
I am so fucked
Hospital won’t be able to relieve the pain due to suboxone.

My mom got sick first, super bad cough. She is doing better. I am going down.
Caught something bad and changing medications = killed.

Yeah, when they kill one of us, then we will know.
I want you guys to be aware.

Throwing up and coughing so hard.
I think I am gonna die.
Was feeling better, starting to stabilize but this change triggered something.
Or....we caught some horrible sickness and changing medications on top of this is hell.
The change to bupe wasn’t bad untill this illness hit us.

Love you all.
Unconditionally


PS: I got some ibuprofen down and some water. I am feeling a tiny bit better.
Hopefully this will pass quickly.

Sounds like wd’s and the flu had a baby. Try NyQuil if you can stomach the taste. It’s liquid form Tylenol will digest faster. Even if you puke some of it out, you will get most of it to digest first.

 

[papercuts]

That actually happened to me once recently. My digestive tract is so backed up from my ‘adventures’, and I ate something that gave me horrible gas cramps. Normally something like that would hurt my intestines until I farted, but not this time. I thought I was gonna die until I vomited up the stuff that was supposed to go out the other end. It was pretty disgusting but thank God it finally came out.

I had that happen to me the first time I took loperamide, it didn't stop my guts, it reversed them and I was worse than ever.

I'm all better now, so probably some sort of withdrawal because of the different pods, got some which were from same batch as the bag before last and I'm well again. Might be a bad batch, you never know if they sneak in different varieties, then my entire medicine could be changed from maybe mostly morphine to mostly codeine or something like that. I'm used to the alkaloids present in the variety I buy, we're told they're Afghan, so I guess it is entirely possible the wrong pods would cause withdrawals.

I'm wearing a bupe patch again and that wasn't the plan. I'll be really cutting down in the new year and by March I'll be going whole days without any at all, but for now, I've ground up 100g of the bad ones and 200g of the good ones, I'll be mixing them together and it can do me over christmas at 30g a day, then no more big batches because I go quicker through it when it's sitting all ready for the coffee pot.

Last year my dilemma was similar, I sort of quit jan and feb, got over the withdrawals and was using it once in six days and kratom the rest of the time. But the holiday was in April and I was ready to go in March, by April I'd slipped back into dependancy and had to take some with me. I couldn't hold out, time was just too long and too slow, it was agonising. So this time I've to make it to June for a wedding overseas, it's going to be a very long springtime next year, but by the end of it I will only be using at weekends if at all. Not putting money on it though.

 

[Squeaky]

I had that happen to me the first time I took loperamide, it didn't stop my guts, it reversed them and I was worse than ever.

I'm all better now, so probably some sort of withdrawal because of the different pods, got some which were from same batch as the bag before last and I'm well again. Might be a bad batch, you never know if they sneak in different varieties, then my entire medicine could be changed from maybe mostly morphine to mostly codeine or something like that. I'm used to the alkaloids present in the variety I buy, we're told they're Afghan, so I guess it is entirely possible the wrong pods would cause withdrawals.

I'm wearing a bupe patch again and that wasn't the plan. I'll be really cutting down in the new year and by March I'll be going whole days without any at all, but for now, I've ground up 100g of the bad ones and 200g of the good ones, I'll be mixing them together and it can do me over christmas at 30g a day, then no more big batches because I go quicker through it when it's sitting all ready for the coffee pot.

Last year my dilemma was similar, I sort of quit jan and feb, got over the withdrawals and was using it once in six days and kratom the rest of the time. But the holiday was in April and I was ready to go in March, by April I'd slipped back into dependancy and had to take some with me. I couldn't hold out, time was just too long and too slow, it was agonising. So this time I've to make it to June for a wedding overseas, it's going to be a very long springtime next year, but by the end of it I will only be using at weekends if at all. Not putting money on it though.

I have done the same sort of stupid. Get over the worst wd’s, start feeling almost normal again, and then start all over. Documentaries I have seen all say that it takes about 2 years of abstinence for the brain chemistry to get back to normal, but I think it’s longer. The big problem that I see for all of us is this:

If you learn to deal with stress by running marathons, then you will always keep good track-shoes in the closet. If it’s work that calms you, then you put in some overtime at the office. But once your brain associates relief from life’s difficulties by using any kind of drug, you’ll spend the rest of your life relapsing.

I don’t even want to think of what the next couple of decades have in store for me and the way I handle my troubles. But I also recognize that if I try too hard to not think about it, I’ll do it again and again.

 

[Painful One]

Sorry to hear that you guys have also had some problems.
Really sorry.

I was hoping some of us could at least be enjoying The Holidays a little.

My mom and I are still real, super sick.
We did a home test for Covid and it was negative on both of us.
We got something bad though.

I really hope this doesn’t have anything to do with the suboxone.
I was thinking it was going great and I was feeling better, less pain.
but, now....all hell has broken loose.
Since my mom is just as sick as me ( minus the neck locking and not able to move my shoulders, arms) I have a feeling that is from injuries.
Hard to say what is going on with me right now, so I will wait and see.

I am hearing of a lot of people being really sick right now.
I had to go get new prescription yesterday and the doctor said that a lot of people were sick. Doctor thought it was from all of us being restricted for 2 years and now our immune systems were weak.
Would not give me any antibiotics, nothing.

I am seeing some alarming things.
We stopped to pick up my prescription that should have been for Subutex now (since the suboxone gives me headaches, we were going to go back to that) but our pharmacist told me I had better find a new pharmacy, a compounding pharmacy because they were not getting their shipments. He said “Things are getting really bad.”
I had to go with suboxone again for now.
We are too sick to deal with it right now.
Then we stopped in the fever reducer isle to get some more ibuprofen and Tylenol and they had signs up saying that there were restrictions on how many packs you could buy. Each customer, only allowed 2 packages.
That is alarming. This is the largest grocery/drug store in our city!
Today, my aunt went to get a prescription for penicillin and the pharmacist told her “they don’t have it and can’t get it.”
What is happening guys??

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

Sorry to hear that you guys have also had some problems.
Really sorry.

I was hoping some of us could at least be enjoying The Holidays a little.

My mom and I are still real, super sick.
We did a home test for Covid and it was negative on both of us.
We got something bad though.

I really hope this doesn’t have anything to do with the suboxone.
I was thinking it was going great and I was feeling better, less pain.
but, now....all hell has broken loose.
Since my mom is just as sick as me ( minus the neck locking and not able to move my shoulders, arms) I have a feeling that is from injuries.
Hard to say what is going on with me right now, so I will wait and see.

I am hearing of a lot of people being really sick right now.
I had to go get new prescription yesterday and the doctor said that a lot of people were sick. Doctor thought it was from all of us being restricted for 2 years and now our immune systems were weak. I do not agree but whatever.
Would not give me any antibiotics, nothing.

I am seeing some alarming things.
We stopped to pick up my prescription that should have been for Subutex now (since the suboxone gives me headaches, we were going to go back to that) but our pharmacist told me I had better find a new pharmacy, a compounding pharmacy because they were not getting their shipments.
I had to go with suboxone again for now.
We are too sick to deal with it right now.
Then we stopped in the fever reducer isle to get some more ibuprofen and Tylenol and they had signs up saying that there were restrictions on how many packs you could buy. Each customer, only allowed 2 packages.
That is alarming. This is the largest grocery/drug store in our city!
Today, my aunt went to get a prescription for penicillin and the pharmacist told her “they don’t have it and can’t get it.”
What is happening guys??

Hi
I’m sorry you are having a hard time, I just wanted you to know you are not alone (I know that doesn’t really make anything better but just wanted you to know that & I’ve seen some of your posts & rooting for you)
Same here my neck, shoulders ect. super locked up, I’m thinking that stress & the crazy weather & temperature drops ect. are really messing with my injury stuff

Wishing you luck, peace & many blessings

 

[Painful One]

Hi
I’m sorry you are having a hard time, I just wanted you to know you are not alone (I know that doesn’t really make anything better but just wanted you to know that & I’ve seen some of your posts & rooting for you)
Same here my neck, shoulders ect. super locked up, I’m thinking that stress & the crazy weather & temperature drops ect. are really messing with my injury stuff

Wishing you luck, peace & many blessings

Thank you.
That was a very kind message and I appreciate that.
I am rooting for you too!
I am rooting for all of us.
I am so sorry that you are enduring this kind of thing also.
I am worried for us.

Sending you luck, peace, and many blessings in return.
Hugs. Gentle Hugs.

 

[Squeaky]

Sorry to hear that you guys have also had some problems.
Really sorry.

I was hoping some of us could at least be enjoying The Holidays a little.

My mom and I are still real, super sick.
We did a home test for Covid and it was negative on both of us.
We got something bad though.

I really hope this doesn’t have anything to do with the suboxone.
I was thinking it was going great and I was feeling better, less pain.
but, now....all hell has broken loose.
Since my mom is just as sick as me ( minus the neck locking and not able to move my shoulders, arms) I have a feeling that is from injuries.
Hard to say what is going on with me right now, so I will wait and see.

I am hearing of a lot of people being really sick right now.
I had to go get new prescription yesterday and the doctor said that a lot of people were sick. Doctor thought it was from all of us being restricted for 2 years and now our immune systems were weak.
Would not give me any antibiotics, nothing.

I am seeing some alarming things.
We stopped to pick up my prescription that should have been for Subutex now (since the suboxone gives me headaches, we were going to go back to that) but our pharmacist told me I had better find a new pharmacy, a compounding pharmacy because they were not getting their shipments. He said “Things are getting really bad.”
I had to go with suboxone again for now.
We are too sick to deal with it right now.
Then we stopped in the fever reducer isle to get some more ibuprofen and Tylenol and they had signs up saying that there were restrictions on how many packs you could buy. Each customer, only allowed 2 packages.
That is alarming. This is the largest grocery/drug store in our city!
Today, my aunt went to get a prescription for penicillin and the pharmacist told her “they don’t have it and can’t get it.”
What is happening guys??

There’s a huge Covid outbreak in China right now. Factory workers, truck drivers, postal workers, etc. I read something like 40-50% of the whole country’s work force is on quarantine for one reason or another. It’s causing disruptions in shipments for all kinds of unbelievable things. But we get a lot of our pharmaceuticals through them and it’s going to suck for a while. Tylenol was one of the things I stockpiled when the pandemic started because I feared this would happen.

You probably have the flu P.O. And since you haven’t been slowly building tolerance against it for the last two years by getting it in smaller doses like you normally would have, it’s hitting you harder than normal. I have personally experienced influenza causing severe muscle cramps and spasms. Sprinkle in a bit of wd’s and stress and you’re completely screwed. Once the fever is gone you should start feeling a lot better.

Sucks that you’re sick at Christmas. It does give you a good excuse to feel crappy for a while though. I spent a couple of Christmas’s in wd (ran out of pills on Dec 22) and I had to suck it up and pretend to be fine. I think I would have preferred having the flu so I could just stay in bed. Sitting with family, opening presents, setting the table for dinner…. It’s like standing in line at the DMV with explosive diarrhea and desperately trying to pretend nothing’s wrong.

 

[papercuts]

Sorry to hear that you guys have also had some problems.
Really sorry.

I was hoping some of us could at least be enjoying The Holidays a little.

My mom and I are still real, super sick.
We did a home test for Covid and it was negative on both of us.
We got something bad though.

I really hope this doesn’t have anything to do with the suboxone.
I was thinking it was going great and I was feeling better, less pain.
but, now....all hell has broken loose.
Since my mom is just as sick as me ( minus the neck locking and not able to move my shoulders, arms) I have a feeling that is from injuries.
Hard to say what is going on with me right now, so I will wait and see.

I am hearing of a lot of people being really sick right now.
I had to go get new prescription yesterday and the doctor said that a lot of people were sick. Doctor thought it was from all of us being restricted for 2 years and now our immune systems were weak.
Would not give me any antibiotics, nothing.

I am seeing some alarming things.
We stopped to pick up my prescription that should have been for Subutex now (since the suboxone gives me headaches, we were going to go back to that) but our pharmacist told me I had better find a new pharmacy, a compounding pharmacy because they were not getting their shipments. He said “Things are getting really bad.”
I had to go with suboxone again for now.
We are too sick to deal with it right now.
Then we stopped in the fever reducer isle to get some more ibuprofen and Tylenol and they had signs up saying that there were restrictions on how many packs you could buy. Each customer, only allowed 2 packages.
That is alarming. This is the largest grocery/drug store in our city!
Today, my aunt went to get a prescription for penicillin and the pharmacist told her “they don’t have it and can’t get it.”
What is happening guys??

I agree there's a lot of illnesses going around and immunity among us is weaker, we've been hearing of kids dying from things like scarlet fever which was not even considered serious when I was a kid and had it.
My husband and I both had flu jabs and I think we then had a mild flu, hard to tell what is going wrong when dependant on something like morphine and we all know even a little change can wreak havoc.
Is the restriction on tylenol by law or by supply problems? In a lot of countries there are restrictions of no more than 2 or 3 packs to be bought together to stop people buying enough for a suicide attempt. It's a bit daft because they can go to another shop and buy more, but that's the law here.
I always feel nervous if I'm low on the good stuff. Suboxone is better than nothing, but I feel for you being forced to change meds at all.

 

[Squeaky]

Insomnia sucks. It’s the worst part of wd’s for me. It’s like Christmas Eve when I was a child: Laying in bed, knowing that Santa Clause won’t come if I’m “awake”. Desperately trying to fall asleep but I can’t. Every last little noise means something important but I know I’ll be sorry if I get out of bed. And if I finally decide to get up for any reason, it will only make it feel like more of an eternity until the rest of the world starts their day.

I got a little drunk (and by ‘a little’ I mean A LOT) last night and I actually slept through the night. I can’t remember when that happened last.