I've read through all your posts, thank you for your concern and suggestions, but I'm not sure you would truly understand what it's like to be me. So, I'll walk you through it...
I was extremely beautiful, because of this, girls hated me, so I never had friends. I was lonely, but my good looks got me what I needed in life: men, jobs, etc., And that made me happy. I am an anarchist, and I had a plan to use my good looks to change the world by getting my Masters in finance and spreading equality from the inside, therefore breaking up the sexist, racist "old boys club." Yes, you need your looks for this.
Now that I am extremely ugly, life is unbearable. Girls will only be my friends out of pity and guys won't give me the time of day anymore. So, I can tell you that looks do matter, they matter a lot. You have to at least be normal looking to make it in this world. So now I am extremely lonely and unloved and will remain that way the rest of my life. I am in a solitaire confinement of hell. I have no friends, and my family doesn't care about me besides my mother, but it's lonely only having a 70 yo woman to talk to.
I had to go from being a very sexy exotic dancer, dancing in every big club in the nation while getting my degree and having anyone I wanted to being an ugly monster overnight. Going from a highly sexual life to celebacy is impossible. Not being touched is agonizing and masterbation gets boring and depressing.
Of course, I could work a "normal" job. I have a master's degree and a high IQ. I tried and all I did was have more panic attacks in the bathroom. And because of the way I look, I can no longer go into a high position. Money doesn't bring happiness, neither does success. Human relations do and so does love.
I have given this a year. I tried moving to a new city where nobody knows me, but it's the same no matter where I go. this doesn't bring contentness either. I can't do drugs to kill the pain bc I'm highly sensitive and the chemicals will make things worse.
So here I am: isolated, lonely, panic attacks daily, crying, spending my days playing videogames on my phone, boredom, losing my motherfucking mind.
I paid a phlebotomist to teach me how to shoot up, so I have that part figured out and I watched videos on how to cook heroin and draw the shit out of a cotton swab, so I don't think I would lose the drug, but if it is really more complicated than it looks, I'll just hang myself instead. Not sure which route to take yet
Again, thanks for your concern, feel free to PM me if you want