I knew about Vivitrol. Didn't know it was so effective. It's good to hear you have beated the addiction and adapted so well, although it seems it took a lot of work, efforts and time to get to where you stand right now. Good endings are rare to hear in some threads but definitely accomplishble. I encourage others to share how tough it was to go through bad moments in life. That endorses that most of suffering are divided in phases and even if it takes time, life is too important for us not to loose hope. And for those who are around hoping our best.
Wish you all a great weekend!
E.
I think the stories are rare because the true healing and recovery time is much longer than most think - it certainly was for me and I know I am not totally healed, but I feel better as more time passes so I know I am still improving. Personally, I will never beat addiction - my opinion. Addiction is a part of who I am, and it will always be there. I choose to not engage it, and as long as I don't engage it I will be fine. I know if I were to pick up a drink I would be right back to where I left off, though I wish there were a cure.
I think a lot of us fail, myself included, because we do lose hope and we get tired of all the hard work for seemingly little results and so it's easier to go back to what we know, and what we know will give us an exciting dopamine response. The first time I failed I was expecting to feel better soon, and I thought a year was more than enough time. I also thought that all I had to do was stop drinking, and good things would happen. Getting healthy is about so much more than just stopping using, it's so much more complex than what addictions specialists make it out to be with having to break a habit, going through an extreme imbalance such as withdrawal, learning healthy habits, dealing with the root mental health issues and processing the emotions, waiting for neurochemical balance, trying to get emotionally healthy while your perceptions are totally skewed, relearning how to live, etc. that is not an exhaustive list either, but just the main ones I could think of. When someone struggles for so long, and consistently feels terrible and there isn't a noticeable "better", it seems perfectly rational to relapse and use - just for a break from the misery. I think the only way I could have had true pleasure during that time was to use, but I denied myself because I didn't want to start all over again, and I didn't want to put my family through all that. I knew if I picked up again I would most likely omit suicide. I truly believe that's where the phrase "you have to want sobriety for yourself" comes into play because if you don't, there is little or no incentive to continue.
Honestly, it took around three years for me to get to a point where I even felt human, by that point I had lost all hope of a happy life, and was just waiting out the clock because I wasn't going to commit suicide while my parents or my kitties were still alive - I had already put them through enough. I also didn't want to die an addict, so there was no turning back. Regardless of how I felt, I was resolved to be sober. It was the only passion I had left in me. I wanted it. I wanted to be in control of my body, and I forfeited that control when I used.
I thought that anhedonia was the new normal, and though it want as bad as the first year of sobriety, it wasn't enjoyable. It was living purgatory. Then one day out of the blue my Dad mentioned how much healthier I seemed, I was getting ready to make an acerbic comment when I realized he was right. The anxiety was half of what it was, I was rational, I could carry on a conversation, and my memory was getting better. Still not great, but it was significantly better than what it was and that, for the first time in three years, gave me hope and motivation. However, had I not wanted sobriety, truly wanted orbiter more than nothing else, I would have failed again within the first is months.
I hope all this makes sense, I have been writing this off and on all day as I started responding while I was at work, and now I'm getting ready for bed, so it wasn't continuously written. I'm too tired to proof read it now, so if there re mistakes (I'm certain there are and my autocorrect is useless), they will get fixed tomorrow.
