TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[herbavore]

Junkiegirl, that dead feeling is your mind in too much pain trying to numb itself. I don't know what is going on with you (I've been away a bit). PM me if you want. When you feel like this it is easy to get isolated and that makes it worse.

 

[lifeisapicnic]

Just because you don't feel joy or love for your pet at a specific moment doesn't mean you are no longer capable of it. It's hard to remember that when you are experiencing so much pain but the memory of love and the memory of joy help me get through those dark periods sometimes.

You are needed, whether or not you know it. PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I wish more than anything in the whole world that I could just stop existing. I'm just absolutely miserable and hopeless. I haven't felt this apathetic about my life in a long time. Even my cat cuddling on me right now isn't making me happy.. I can't even feel love for him and that's just not normal. I'm not okay. Like really not okay.
I don't know what to do anymore

I know this feeling. I go in and out of it on a regular basis. I wish I had real advice about this but I don't. I just jumped ahead for any possibility and made sure my two little dogs have a good home to go to should I not be around. Feeling that your life is over but you're still living it is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. You have all my empathy and I wish for you some resolution to this horrible dilemma.

 

[Moreaux]

I wish more than anything in the whole world that I could just stop existing. I'm just absolutely miserable and hopeless. I haven't felt this apathetic about my life in a long time. Even my cat cuddling on me right now isn't making me happy.. I can't even feel love for him and that's just not normal. I'm not okay. Like really not okay.
I don't know what to do anymore

[MENTION=375384]Junkiegirl23[/MENTION] - I know that feeling. I've been there so many times, and I know what you mean by not feeling joy even when cuddling with your kitty. In the last 6 years I've felt the way you're feeling several times - right down to not feeling joy when spending time when spending time with my kitties. I remember the first time it hit me snuggling with one of my babies that I was so depressed I was just going through the motions, and was feeling nothing for him at the time. I was devestated. I love for my kitties, and having them has prevented me from committing suicide so many times because I didn't know what would happen to them, but in that moment I wondered if I still even loved them, and I was scared. That feeling is temporary, it will pass. Every time I have had it it was temporary, and ironically it was my kitties who were able to pull me out of it. I think they could sense it.

When you feel this way are you spending a lot of time alone with your thoughts? Can you try distracting yourself - go outside for a walk, or go window shopping, or for a cup of coffee - even if you don't feel like doing it. I have found that forcing myself to take a shower then go out - anywhere as long as there are other people around - helps. While you out make a point to notice small details. For me, it seems to happen when I am alone too much and not very active. I think when there is not enough external stimuli to keep my brain occupied I begin to ruminate and become introspective and it quickly becomes negative.

The next time you see your cat really consider what he is thinking, and how much he loves you. Think about the joy you bring to his life - you are his everything - the center of his world. Pay attention to the love in his eyes. The relationship you have with him is so special and unconditional. He loves you - you are the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about before going to sleep. He waits patiently for you to get home, and and thinks about you throughout the day. That kind of love is so rare and beautiful. Times may be hard for you right now, but you have him, and to him that's all he needs.

I think you should see a doctor. It could be a chemical imbalance or hormones, or a vitamin deficiency- or something else but they can help you get to the root of the problem so you can start feeling better. I know that's probably not what you want to hear or feel like doing, but the sooner you do it the sooner you will be on the path to feeling better. Also make sure you get enough sleep and try to eat healthy fresh whole foods - those things really do make a difference. Also try going for a walk outside during the day for at least 30 minutes. Listen to music or call someone. Try it for about a week - a little exercise and some sunshine are really good easy pick me ups. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk or someone to listen. I know it sucks right now but it will get better.

 

[tokezu]

How the fuck can these thoughts come back so suddenly? I thought I was doing so much better, well not doing better as in achieving anything I had wanted to, but just feeling better about myself. I really thought I had made some progress in the way I talk to myself, not constantly telling myself how much of a fuckup I am, but being compassionate with myself and making a point of actually telling myself "It's all going to be alright in the long run" instead of unconsciously putting myself down all the time. But the day before yesterday when I went home from university, I had actually planned to go out into nature, smoke a little weed and read a good book, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the stark contrast of the beautiful weather and how shitty I felt on the inside. I had to hold back my tears all the way home and since then I have spend most of the weekend in bed, crying a lot and thinking about the possibility of suicide as seriously as I hadn't in a long time. Now please don't get me wrong, I am not going to act on these thoughts. I have a wonderful family and some very good friends and I couldn't possibly do this to them. And hey that is at least something... there is a lot of people who don't even have that. I just wish I could discard the idea of suicide for my own sake and not for them.

 

[Erikmen]

It takes time until we are accustomed to accept ourselves again. Suicide is not the solution IMO. It hurts everyone around us and does not guarantee anything for you other than more darkness. Enjoy the good moments and learn to cope with the bad ones. With time you'll succeed.

 

[Moreaux]

How the fuck can these thoughts come back so suddenly? I thought I was doing so much better, well not doing better as in achieving anything I had wanted to, but just feeling better about myself. I really thought I had made some progress in the way I talk to myself, not constantly telling myself how much of a fuckup I am, but being compassionate with myself and making a point of actually telling myself "It's all going to be alright in the long run" instead of unconsciously putting myself down all the time. But the day before yesterday when I went home from university, I had actually planned to go out into nature, smoke a little weed and read a good book, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the stark contrast of the beautiful weather and how shitty I felt on the inside. I had to hold back my tears all the way home and since then I have spend most of the weekend in bed, crying a lot and thinking about the possibility of suicide as seriously as I hadn't in a long time. Now please don't get me wrong, I am not going to act on these thoughts. I have a wonderful family and some very good friends and I couldn't possibly do this to them. And hey that is at least something... there is a lot of people who don't even have that. I just wish I could discard the idea of suicide for my own sake and not for them.

When you have those thoughts push them out of your mind and focus on something else. You can train yourself to do this. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I have OCD and CBT has worked wonders - I no longer need medication. It takes time and practice to learn how to do this, so be patient with the process.

Whether you feel like it or not, I think going out in nature is a great idea and will lift your mood.

 

[tokezu]

Thank you guys, I am already feeling a little better. I guess it is a sign of progress that I recognize this as a low point that too will pass, whereas in the past I would have made myself believe that this is how I always feel like. I was just a little overwhelmed by the sudden intensity of it. And I did do CBT for 6 month last year until my therapist went on a sabbatical and I haven't managed to look around for a new one yet. That approach definitely had some positive effects, but of course it's not a magic cure. And somehow I always feel like I'm "allowing" myself not to really try and change something. Because what if I really try... and still fail? That would be really fucked up. Brilliant logic, right?

 

[Junkiegirl23]

Thanks everyone for the caring and kind words. I've been doing better the last few days. Today is a hard day for me.. It's the first Mother's Day since my mom passed away. I miss her so much but I'm trying not to stay sad.. I'm trying to celebrate her today instead. It's just still very hard.
[MENTION=180594]Moreaux[/MENTION]- my fur baby is what eventually pulled me out of it. I know I love him and he's crazy about me and like you said I don't know what would happen to him if I actually ended my life and I'm just not okay with having him experience that.. He already lost my mom and witnessed her death. I couldn't put him through that again..
And I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for sleeping meds.. Just haven't found the right one yet,, I think that's when I really get like that is when I'm sleep deprived. I already know I have problems with my brain.. I have PTSD depression and extreme anxiety.
Thanks again for taking the time to write all of that I really appreciate that


EXjg

 

[herbavore]

EXjg, what a relief it is for me to read that post.
[MENTION=338248]tokezu[/MENTION]: healing yourself from the inside starts with clear vision and you have that. As in art, the finished project is never as important as the process of creating it. I think the slow and often recurring pains of exploration are as valuable as anything. Changing the thoughts from fatalistic or despairing("I can never really get past this darkness") to intriguing and challenging ("Wow! This again?! I guess it goes deeper than I thought and I have more to learn about it before I'll finally be done with it") has been the most helpful for me.

 

[Moreaux]

Thanks everyone for the caring and kind words. I've been doing better the last few days. Today is a hard day for me.. It's the first Mother's Day since my mom passed away. I miss her so much but I'm trying not to stay sad.. I'm trying to celebrate her today instead. It's just still very hard.

[MENTION=180594]Moreaux[/MENTION]- my fur baby is what eventually pulled me out of it. I know I love him and he's crazy about me and like you said I don't know what would happen to him if I actually ended my life and I'm just not okay with having him experience that.. He already lost my mom and witnessed her death. I couldn't put him through that again..
And I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for sleeping meds.. Just haven't found the right one yet,, I think that's when I really get like that is when I'm sleep deprived. I already know I have problems with my brain.. I have PTSD depression and extreme anxiety.
Thanks again for taking the time to write all of that I really appreciate that


EXjg

That's a tough combination- I have it as well as an OCD kicker. I've been struggling with all of it since the age of 8, or that's the age that sticks out in my brain because it was the first time I intentionally cut myself. I have self medicated with drugs and alcohol and have also seen countless doctors and tried a variety of medications. I have been totally sober for two years, and no longer take prescription medications.

I hve spent several years studying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well as nutrition. What seems to work for me is mindful practice of CBT (it takes time and effort to learn, but it really helps the anxiety), and making sure I eat right. By eating right I mean adequate protien and healthy fats. I don't eat meat and am allergic to eggs and dairy and found that I was severely deficient in protien, and barely consumed fat. I didn't realize fat was necessary for hormone production and regulation. Now I juice every morning and the make sure I consume enough protien and fat (I track it through an app called myfitnesspal which is decent and free). I found the diet changed helped significantly, but I was still having regular bouts of deep depression so now I take a 5-htp suppliment at night, alternating between 100mg and 200mg. I also take a tyrosine suppliment in the morning - 100mg. I was trying inositol with acetylcholine, but found that increased my anxiety (I think it's the acetylcholine). I also force myself to walk for at least an hour a day.

My moods and depression seem to have stabilized, and I haven't been experiencing the deep depression as I have been. The biggest impact has been on anxiety - which I never thought I would get a break from. I almost feel normal. I figured I would mention this stuff because some of it may apply to you. I know the combination of depression, anxiety, and PTSD is debilitating at times, and no way to live.

Regarding Mother's Day - I am so very sorry for your loss. It brings tears to my eyes. She is with you today, - you may not see her but she is with you. Stay strong and think about all the good times you had together. I wish you and your fur baby the best!

 

[tokezu]

Changing the thoughts from fatalistic or despairing("I can never really get past this darkness") to intriguing and challenging ("Wow! This again?! I guess it goes deeper than I thought and I have more to learn about it before I'll finally be done with it") has been the most helpful for me.

Haha, I think I have a long way to go before I could call it "intriguing", but recognizing it as a opportunity to learn more about myself is definitely a good start. Thank you!

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it I have a pretty good idea what triggered this sudden lowpoint. I didn't really want to admit it to myself because it just seems so trivial, but I guess it isn't that trivial for me. It's funny how much we tend to play a role that we think is appropriate not only in front of others, but in front of ourselves. Well at least I do, I really want to be somebody who doesn't care what other people think about him. So I want others to believe that and by extension I want myself to believe that and therefore I ignore how much it bothers me when I think that other people think bad of me. Which makes it kind of hard to see that most of the time they probably don't and that it's just me going down a spiral of negative thoughts.

 

[hypn0tic]

I know i would be missed if i were to do the deed, however it real feels like the only sensible option. I've just begun to realize drugs is what has lead me into this despair; throwing myself out of education and instead into the weekend nightlife. I don't believe i am addicted, i can live day to day and week to week without them with no urge to use, but when im on the high its the only time i find myself useful.

Honestly; im beyond scared for what the next days or weeks behold, all im feeling is pressure that constantly to piles on leaving me in a dark abyss. At this rate foreseeing a future with me in it is an ongoing battle that i am losing......

I just want to feel whole again im fucking sick of hiding it all behind this fake smile...

Sorry if the sentences haven't been constructed very well

 

[tokezu]

Maybe start by not hiding behind a fake smile so much? I don't do it that often, but whenever I answer the question of "How are you?" with real honesty, I feel very relieved.

 

[herbavore]

I know i would be missed if i were to do the deed, however it real feels like the only sensible option. I've just begun to realize drugs is what has lead me into this despair; throwing myself out of education and instead into the weekend nightlife. I don't believe i am addicted, i can live day to day and week to week without them with no urge to use, but when im on the high its the only time i find myself useful.

Honestly; im beyond scared for what the next days or weeks behold, all im feeling is pressure that constantly to piles on leaving me in a dark abyss. At this rate foreseeing a future with me in it is an ongoing battle that i am losing......

I just want to feel whole again im fucking sick of hiding it all behind this fake smile...

Sorry if the sentences haven't been constructed very well

It is more important to face whatever it is that is leading you to want to numb or distract or even temporarily relieve your unhappiness with drugs than to focus on the drug abuse itself. It is not surprising when the mind turns inevitably to suicide as a solution to outrun inner anguish. But all anguish lives in the ego and just learning to develop an awareness of the ongoing (relentless!) fear-mongering of your own ego can be liberating. The world outside will never be less of a mess but then it will never be less miraculous either. How you will walk through it is all that is in your control. Get support for opening yourself up to yourself--it can be scary and overwhelming but the rewards are ease and peace in your own mind.

 

[Purposefull]

Suicidal thoughts and attempts are things I've struggled with since I was just a boy. I first attempted to do myself in at about 7 or 8 years old and after untold attempts that should have killed me many times over I'm still very much alive and ready to celebrate 57 come July.
I definitely have the means to end my life now, but something is different. I came to realize that I'm much closer to just dying of old age than ever before. I'm ok with old age now whereas before I never expected to hit 30 much less 57.
I took up woodworking again last year and throughout my life I've acquired several very useful skills and there is always something to fix around the house. Last year I meet a large and in charge woman and though we have almost nothing in common I love her more than anyone I've ever loved.
I came to South Carolina a few years ago to care for my elderly father and along the way we meet and she has a big beautiful house on a lake so now I live with her and my dad and his wife.
My dad won't live much longer and if it weren't for the love of my life I'd very likely join him in the grave, but now I have a reason to keep going and plenty of things around the house and yard to keep me busy and keep my mind off the demons that have plagued me since I was a boy.
She's well aware of my past, the suicide attempts, my drug use and even the fact that just 3 years ago I lived in a homeless shelter.
Two years ago I could move everything I owned in a suitcase. Now I'd need a Uhaul truck,but I have no plans to move and we've both decided that when and if the time comes we're prepared to go out together in each others arms, but those days are far into the future hopefully. I'm 57 and she's 66 so there's still plenty of time to enjoy our bickering and the lake and the many flowers I've planted around the house for us both to enjoy.

 

[herbavore]

^What a great story to read. They say it takes great courage to get old and at 62 I'm starting to know what that means but looking back I would have to say that it takes even more courage sometimes to be young. I'm glad that you found this sweet surprise in life.

 

[Erikmen]

[MENTION=407667]Purposefull[/MENTION],
A love story for sure, you must be very proud of yourself and here is lesson that everything does change after all.

 

[Purposefull]

The bravest man I know is my dad still caring for his wife who is a real piece of work. She made it quite clear years ago that nobody in my family was good enough for her and is difficult at best to have to deal with. I've harbored fantasies of tying her to a big rock and seeing if the rock would float in the lake. She is possibly the most hateful person I've ever known and I've known a lot of hateful people in my life. Still my dad at 87 loves her for reasons only the devil could possibly know and he caters to her every need.
Mt mother was the complete opposite and well loved by almost everyone who knew her, but she died from brain cancer at 62 while this rotten excuse for human flesh lives on..

 

[Erikmen]

Yes, I believe I know more or less what type of woman you are trying to describe. Like everyone says, when you love someone you accept them for who they are including their flaws, and it's great when this happens both ways no matter how they might look to someone else this love will dictate their lives. It's hard to find this kind of love these days.