Tonight finding myself wishing I was still prone to OD. But that was over with years ago. Can't do this anymore. Living with my ex turns into hell more days than not. The short fuse, the threats, the threats to kick me out even over little things. It turns to shit whenever I have no source of stable income. Lately it's a bunch of bull over owed money and gets pissed at "covering" for me when it happens. And because of the owed money, he feels justified in taking any amount of what I make/need for the day and buying this and that for him because "you owe me" rather than just accepting what I can give when I can give it, and I do give him more than I can in the first place, and it leaves me screwed the next day pretty frequently. It just sucks because he raises so much crap over it, and when I'm already freaked out and stressing, it's not productive in the least. I could deal without all the put downs. It's even stupider because you bet he has his hand out when I'm doing well, but throws a fit over even buying me potatoes and potato toppings off his food stamps. So I stopped with that in November, and am still accused of "eating all" his food. Ugh, we don't even like the same things for the most part. He flipped on me tonight for losing some of his money on the way back from the store to get things for him. It's also fucked because there's a lot of dependencies on BOTH sides, but he doesn't even recognize any of the ways he uses me. And so I run into the whole fantasizing and planning and writing a letter or two.. I had plans for a few weeks or so back in February to stay at/in the lake overnight... But I had no way to get there. Today my thoughts are more graphic, as it isn't cold at all anymore. And I probably won't do anything at all, I've put it off to a different day because it's not possible right now anyway. But I'm really sick of feeling like this, and it's ridiculous that when I start my next job it'll be like everything's cool, until I'm not working again. I need to get out, but I don't know how. Other than lack of affordability and my lifestyle not being everyone's cup of tea, other than how I'd feel guilty for leaving, there are the things I've grown to depend on in dire circumstances, that wouldn't be taken care of by someone else. Yeah I get long lectures for those, but at least he usually gives in. I don't know what to do at all. And it's silly that drastic measures seem so much easier than making changes.
