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The Suicide Support Thread

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usedtobe said:
It's hard having friends but not being able to tell them you are using when they think you have been sober for years. BL is the only place I can be honest. It's raining and I am so depressed. I hate myself and wish I could just end it, but I can't do that to my family.
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've been there so many times with just wanting to end it...there were very few things that could keep me going. Family was one- I thought of my nephew and how my family would explain what I did to myself to him. My family is a huge factor in not doing anything to myself.

Your friends don't have to know if you're using or not- and if they'd get upset over it rather than try and help you then they're not genuine friends. I never told my friends because I didn't feel it was any of their business. But if I had a friend who told me they were using I wouldn't be upset- I'd do everything in my power to try and help them.

I hope you choose to live <3
 
hello all just to say sorry that i just left things like i did the other month was meaning to reply but ended up very nearly booking myself in to the local nut house.

instead things are no better in fact this next week is going to be unbelievably hard i've started to get Agoraphobia from the stim abuse which is not helping and i have to be in public at least once this week that i can not get out of on top of that its my 36th friday and like the last 20 birthdays it will be spent alone only difference this time its one i'm going to make the best of as i believe it could be the last one.

plus all i do these days is sleep i mean yesterday i got up for 2 hours and then just slept from 11am till 11am today at most im lucky if im awake for no more than 8 hours unless on stims then i do not sleep for 4days this last couple of months just do not want to be here and well even though my dreams aint much better its still better than sitting in this room with no way of human contact other than like this faceless electronic world we have
 
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I am really feeling so horrible about myself. Thanks, rx...you always say things that give me some hope. I am trying to get clean one more time...this time just weaning of the dope without the subs. The subs didn't work (well I did not let them work, cuz I used dope along with them.) I know it sounds kind of stupid, but I have someone holding them for me and I plan on using less each day until I stop, hopefully by this weekend. I am using less than I had been, so I am hoping I can do this with the help from the person who is holding them. Meantime, I am probably losing my job in the next few days, which might not be such a bad thing if I can get unemployment. Problems at this job had a lot to do with my relapse (not making excuses, just recognizing that the job caused me so much stress and made me feel so bad about myself and my recovery that I chose to pick up my DOC again.) Also probably looking at ending my long term relationship with someone who has continued to let me down and again contributed to my lack of self esteem and hopelessness. I have a few people who I know care about me, and I am holding on to that and the hope that I can get clean and forgive myself on day. I could not end my life voluntarily, but I feel like I am slowly killing myself anyway. I will probably get feedback that weaning off heroin does not work, but I am going to give it one last try.
 
Experienced the first true Im doing it where is my gun urge this morning after beig awoken 2 hours into sleep by my chick after a no sleep 3 day music festival. I was exhausted

After a quick nap back to being happy and normal. Weird Im so over the idealations
 
i should have never tried IVing meth cause now even though the comedown is way worse than how good the high is i still want to shoot more meth i'm such an addict
 
its true, i dont even realy like meth but the thought of doing an issue is so tempting.
if i wasnt so broke id just go out and score some black to off myself with. i know theres no way im going to make it very long, finding out about the hep was bad at first but than hearing about the hiv, all i can think about is watching my friend die, each day with no cure, sure they gave him plenty of drugs, but realy who cares about that when you got less than a year left
 
I already kind of gave a very basic run down in TDS about what is going on with me. I have had issues with depression, suicidal fantasies and horrible postpartum depression in the past. But I have done good and had very little depression til now. Seems so much harder every time I land back here because I always think I'm passed the worst of it. I'm just so sad, I don't want to be here. Really really don't want to be here. I won't do anything about it tho. I have 4 children that I would never leave in such a horrible way. Which makes this all so much worse. What a horrible mother I am. I will suffer through. I just don't have anyone I feel I can talk to who would really care. My husband just doesn't seem to be able to anymore, or maybe he just can't show it or doesn't see how bad it is. idk anymore.
 
To the moderator tripnotyzm... Ur message at the top of this thread was so very comforting, well articulated and helpful... Thank you very much for your contribution
 
carrion Doll said:
I already kind of gave a very basic run down in TDS about what is going on with me. I have had issues with depression, suicidal fantasies and horrible postpartum depression in the past. But I have done good and had very little depression til now. Seems so much harder every time I land back here because I always think I'm passed the worst of it. I'm just so sad, I don't want to be here. Really really don't want to be here. I won't do anything about it tho. I have 4 children that I would never leave in such a horrible way. Which makes this all so much worse. What a horrible mother I am. I will suffer through. I just don't have anyone I feel I can talk to who would really care. My husband just doesn't seem to be able to anymore, or maybe he just can't show it or doesn't see how bad it is. idk anymore.
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Carrion Doll,

thanks for reaching out. You sound like an amazing mother, and congratulations to all four of your children. I'm sure they look up to you as a role model and absolutely adore you in every way.

Is there anything that you can think of that might help you get through this? Do you think you need a short vacation? Maybe you could try therapy? Are you exercising/meditating at all?

You're always welcome to PM me if you would like. <3

The best advice I can share when you're experiencing suicidal ideation, is to simply get some headphones with some good music, and go on a long walk. Hang out with some other people/friends, get out of the place where the thoughts started, and you'll immediately feel better. When I did this recently, I wasn't even expecting to feel any better - but it worked! I was smiling again in no time, and when I woke up the next morning (spent the night at a friend's place so I didn't have to be in the same environment where the suicidal ideation started), I literally felt so much better, like I had managed to escape this round of it, and knew it would be a while before I went through anything like that again.

Much <3 to everyone struggling, hang in there.
 
glitter_kiss said:
both, what i was trying to say was i watched my friend die from aids and now im going to have to through the same thing
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are you unable to get on medication? normally (where I live) there are programs you can get on to get free HIV/AIDS medication so that you don't have to die from it

I know that not everyone responds well/favorably to the medication and some choose to go without it

So I just wanted to put that out there. I don't know where you live so I'm not sure what kind of services are available in your area.
 
Glitter...I have a good friend who has been living wth HIV for 10 years...she takes lots of meds that are paid for by the govt(US), and she gets a lot of services as well. It's not a death sentence...she's outlived a lot of people we know who were diagnosed with cancer after she found out she was positive. I cant say I know how you feel, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
I'm prolonging an other ise miserable life bound to negatively impact anyone in my event horizon.... there have to be some fuckups to balance out those bizarre people who seem not to want to explode from self loathing
 
soccerfocus5 said:
I'm prolonging an other ise miserable life bound to negatively impact anyone in my event horizon.... there have to be some fuckups to balance out those bizarre people who seem not to want to explode from self loathing
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Do you want to talk about what's really getting you down?

My best advice from what you've said as is; let go of the negativity and the past. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can move onto happiness.
 
What's worse, having a sponger 23 year old drug addict son that can't find even find a job, or burying him? I'm trying to figure this out because I'm not quite sure..
 
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