Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Exactly. I'm actually feeling a little upset/anxious today already but I definitely want to live.
Much
to everyone who needs it.
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The Suicide Support Thread
- Thread starter tripnotyzm
- Start date
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Exactly. I'm actually feeling a little upset/anxious today already but I definitely want to live.
Much
to everyone who needs it. 
Ds
Bluelight Crew
the boi is all over, i mean it. fuckinggovernmetn made the oc 80s tamper proof, turnd em nto ops andthe grey hit the scene. ididnt kno my tolerence,luckly shot up,no'dd the fuck out someday n not wakeup.
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mrflowers00
Ex-Bluelighter
my dad bought a prius for 4,400 so now we have a car
the black sun
Bluelighter
yeah i am gong to implement some of what i am feeling into my writing. i guess it will fit into the whole dystopian post nuke setting i got going on. a lot of dread. the whole korean war shit going on and my tendencies to over think suicide could possibly not of come at a better time. i can possibly use it for a better use. a bit like capturing it inside a jar and observing it from the outside. i'll tell you how it goes.
mrflowers00 - don't worry dude. people care about you because they see the good in you.
mrflowers00 - don't worry dude. people care about you because they see the good in you.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
D's, I really hope you are OK.
@mrflowers: is it weird to drive? They are so strangely quiet!
@black sun: yeah, this whole tense build-up in N Korea and China and the U.S. has me wound up, too. I like the way you talk about "putting it in a jar" and observing. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing you can do--step outside yourself and look back in.
@mrflowers: is it weird to drive? They are so strangely quiet!
@black sun: yeah, this whole tense build-up in N Korea and China and the U.S. has me wound up, too. I like the way you talk about "putting it in a jar" and observing. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing you can do--step outside yourself and look back in.
the black sun
Bluelighter
yeah 
i mean if it is there inside me then the only way i'll be able to implement it within my character is to have to look from the outside. how would the character react when feeling like the way i am now if he was feeling like that.
are you american? if so, how has this affected you? i'm english so we just get the news.
i mean if it is there inside me then the only way i'll be able to implement it within my character is to have to look from the outside. how would the character react when feeling like the way i am now if he was feeling like that. are you american? if so, how has this affected you? i'm english so we just get the news.
severely etarded
Bluelight Crew
This is pretty much how I feel. I took 6 norcos just now with a double cheeseburger. still feel the same, just doesn't hurt as much. basically I don't feel like I have to hold back tears from all the losses I've taken. I feel like I can sleep, and have some crazy dreams lol.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
^Don't hold back your tears. Get in a private place and let them flow.
helium-4
Bluelight Crew
I had a sawed off shotgun in my hand yesterday and was so tempted to blow myself away. I couldn't do that to my friend who was there so I just blew the shit out of some trash. 95% of me wish I took my head of. Now I'm trying my hardest to IV some H, but for whatever reason something seems to be preventing from the deal from coming through.
Even though I have so much fun hanging with my homies around here, I know it can't last, and I know that the hardships that come with sustaining a health social life is going to kill me. I just want to end it all now
Even though I have so much fun hanging with my homies around here, I know it can't last, and I know that the hardships that come with sustaining a health social life is going to kill me. I just want to end it all now
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
^Don't hold back your tears. Get in a private place and let them flow.
I'm right with herbavore on this one.
Why are you still trying to use heroin? I thought you were clean or in the process of getting clean? Feel free to give me an update on what's going on.
You have to quit using heroin in order to be happy; the withdrawal related depression is really serious, I don't want anyone to have to go through it but it's worth getting through in order to return to real happiness.
There shouldn't be many hardships in sustaining a healthy social life IMO.
You can always PM me if you don't want to post what's going on in your life publicly in the forums.
helium-4
Bluelight Crew
Well the heroin fell through, so I took some xanax to just chill out. Wish i had some beer though, but I have no way of getting to a gas station that sells any. I'll PM you soon CH
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Burnt Offerings
Bluelight Crew
I recently remembered that I had an account on this site, and I've been having some rough times in my life so I decided to post here.
Recently I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. I'm still pretty young so it's been very hard for me...I'm going to have to take medication every day for the rest of my life, and who knows what kind of complications there will be down the road. I'm not sure how everything in my life went so wrong sometimes; sometimes the stuff that happens to me doesn't even feel real. I've been sinking into harder and more persistent drug use than I'm normally used to lately, though, amphetamines, cocaine etc, and also alcohol which I've never been particularly a fan of until recently. I'm very depressed lately and have been contemplating my own mortality in unhealthy ways. I hate who I've become...I spent my last weekend just getting high and cleaning the dive of a place I live in. It even seems like I've been alienating my friends lately, and to top it all off I recently find out that I'm sick. And will continue down the road with this affliction for the foreseeable future. That really just kind of compounded the sense that I'm nothing but a drain on this world. The fact that I have the benefit of two parents who love me very much and have done everything they could to help me out just makes me more disgusted with myself, as I've done nothing but disappoint them throughout my life.
Just felt like writing that out and sharing it with someone, even if it's only random people on the internet.
Recently I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. I'm still pretty young so it's been very hard for me...I'm going to have to take medication every day for the rest of my life, and who knows what kind of complications there will be down the road. I'm not sure how everything in my life went so wrong sometimes; sometimes the stuff that happens to me doesn't even feel real. I've been sinking into harder and more persistent drug use than I'm normally used to lately, though, amphetamines, cocaine etc, and also alcohol which I've never been particularly a fan of until recently. I'm very depressed lately and have been contemplating my own mortality in unhealthy ways. I hate who I've become...I spent my last weekend just getting high and cleaning the dive of a place I live in. It even seems like I've been alienating my friends lately, and to top it all off I recently find out that I'm sick. And will continue down the road with this affliction for the foreseeable future. That really just kind of compounded the sense that I'm nothing but a drain on this world. The fact that I have the benefit of two parents who love me very much and have done everything they could to help me out just makes me more disgusted with myself, as I've done nothing but disappoint them throughout my life.
Just felt like writing that out and sharing it with someone, even if it's only random people on the internet.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling man. I know that I don't have any chronic illnesses (that aren't like PTSD/mental illnesses), so I don't want to say I know what you're going through. However, I have friends with chronic illnesses (physical ones), ones where they have to take medications for the rest of their lives. It can be overwhelming and/or scary, but it's something you can get through. And you can still live an amazing life.
As far as I am concerned, we are all here to enjoy ourselves. The best you can do is to take the good and leave the bad in life. You still have to balance work and play as always, but the good news is that you're not alone. There's tons of people out there who can and will help you through this.
My advice is to make small changes so that you can make positive improvements in your life, one thing at a time. I've been doing this ever since 2013 began (maybe a little bit afterwards), and it was so worth the work and effort I put into myself. The other part of my advice is to always reach out when you need to, you'll be glad you did. Best of luck.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
I don't know what's happening to me right now but I'm having a massive emotional breakdown. It just fucking hit me a few hours ago and I've been feeling so insanely horrible. There's nothing I want more right now than to dose too much and shoot it all up and just make everything end once and for all. I don't even know why but I know I cannot fucking handle it right now. And it's even more terrifying because since I don't know what's causing it, there's nothing I can really do to help. All I know is that I feel like the world is crashing around me and that there's never gonna be a way out. I can't handle this.
mrflowers00
Ex-Bluelighter
the only weird thing about druving the prius is that the breaks are super sensitive like i just barely press on it and the car comes to a halt and that was going 50mph literally stopped within 25 feet that was when i was hitting the breaks harder/normal after when i took it easy 30mph i stopped in probably 60 feet
Black Rabbit of Inle
Bluelight Crew
Hey Pagey,
I'm sorry to hear that things are feeling out of control for you right now. Is there any one thing that brought this up?
If you want to talk I'm here
mrflowers - I was in Automotive Engineering when the Prius first hit the market in Australia. It was such a novel thing and there was only one person in the entire city who knew how to fix it
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
sconnie420
Ex-Bluelighter
I haven't posted here for a while, but today seemed appropriate bc this time I'm checking out for good.. I can't take life anymore or the constant pain.. I'm going to wait a bit, but I'm ready to go...
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Hey Pagey,
I'm sorry to hear that things are feeling out of control for you right now. Is there any one thing that brought this up?
If you want to talk I'm here
Cheers RD. I don't really know...I guess I kind of realised I've no real friends in London. I moved here over 6 months ago and I still haven't properly connected with anyone. I don't mean to sound obnoxious but they just all seem so immature. I don't know what it is, I just feel too fucking lonely and I'm sick of it. My life feels ridiculously empty and quitting heroin has just made it so much worse frankly. I expected it to make everything better (that's what everyone says after all, isn't it) but turns out I just erased the one thing that made me happy. I can't deal with it. I came home to Paris last night for a couple weeks and I think that's what triggered these feelings because I don't feel at home here anymore either so it's just like I'm floating between two worlds without belonging to either. I'm sick of pretending I'm okay and I'm sick of pretending I enjoy the 'friends' I have here. I just want to be left alone with smack. and that's pathetic.
Plus I'm now being prescribed quite the cocktail of meds (opiates, benzos, sleeping pills, NSAIDs, you name it...though all absolutely necessary) so it would just be so fucking easy to say goodbye.
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