The Suicide support thread

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Do you cook for your Dad and Grandpa, mrflowers?
Cooking is such a satisfying thing to do. It covers all the bases. You get to choose beautiful ingredients, get creative, make a mess, pull it all together and present someone with something delicious for the senses and good for them, too!
 
Glad you're feeling better mrflowers. It sounds like you have a true passion for cooking good food, and it's great that you're looking to pursue that.
 
my head is gone. haven't had my anti psychotics in a week due to a fuck up at the pharmacy and i really do not feel well at all, my head is heavy with dark thoughts, i want it all to stop so badly
 
I'm sitting here reading the posts on this thread from people who are genuinely in the pits. Out of work, health problems, family issues, etc.

Not me. I was dealt a great hand of cards in the game in life. Despite numerous episodes with depression and 2 suicide attempts as a teen, I still somehow managed to make it to my mid 30's. Awesome wife, beautiful kid, and 1 more on the way. Family is great - no drama. Great job in a field that I love and I get along with everyone well.

Yet here I am, spiraling downward. As I write this I'm reminded of my teenage days where I sat in my bedroom drunk and writing suicidal thoughts in my journal.

I've been in the psych ward 4 times, have seen at least 10 different therapists/shrinks, and have tried various cocktails of psych meds. The current one, Lamical & Lithium, has managed to keep my dangerous thoughts dormant for a good 5 years now. All of the SSRIs were pure poison to my body (I was under the influence during both attempts at taking my life). But I digress.

I have no reason whatsoever to be complaining about anything. Things are a bit shaky in the marriage right now after I fessed up to my drug usage to my pregnant wife, but this is not something most of the posters here couldn't handle.

So what the hell is wrong with me? I told my wife the other day that my life is one big lie; that I fool everybody into thinking I'm a good person and am happy. The truth is that I'm a fucking narcissistic, sneaky, manipulating, cheating, piece of shit that will eventually cause those around me harm. I am never to be trusted. Solution: get the hell away from me and let me finish this off. For the good of everyone.

I guess I know that I can continue to "mask" the core cause of these thoughts with meds/drugs and get through life. It feels plastic to me though, and as I'm seeing now all it takes is one trigger to see through it. If I do manage to survive this round, life will certainly deal another round.

It feels helpless. No amount of therapy or science can change who I am (barring a brain lobotomy perhaps). I am never going to change. I'm always going to lurk quietly, figure out what people want to hear, manipulate in order to get what I want, and lie, lie, lie. You think I just did something nice for you? Fool! You think I'm really happy now? Think again.

All I ever really wanted since the beginning of high school was to be alone, drink, listen to dark music, and look at myself crying in the mirror. Those moments, including my 2nd suicide attempt, felt more brutally honest than any others in my life. It wasn't exactly euphoria I felt when in those places, but it was powerful. So intense that it became addictive. Suicide was the final climax.

So many people in the world would die to be in shoes from a socioeconomic standpoint. I'm sitting here having a pity party and talking about how I can't stand it.

Pathetic.
 
^ I don't think it is pathetic. For a short period of my life when I was young I lived in an African country with my Dad part of the time, inner city Detroit with my mom part of the time and went to an elite Swiss boarding school for girls for a year courtesy of my Dad's company. The education I got about happiness and discontent was probably the best education I could have gotten. I met carefree, happy people in every walk of life and people that felt trapped and miserable and resentful in every walk of life. I am not trying to argue that circumstances are not harder when you are poor because they are. Period. But emotional life is very different from the surface of our lives, or what we have to do on a daily basis to survive. Yeah, they affect each other but amazingly not all that much. So you do not need to apologize for feeling depressed when you have "everything". You do not have everything that your spirit needs. We are all different and I don't know what you need but I know that you are not getting it. The trick is not to expect it to come to you but to go look for it, to create it for yourself. Maybe you need more honesty. Maybe you need more adrenaline producing risk. Maybe you need more time alone without guilt. Maybe you are not living a life that nurtures who you are.

One of the things that scares me for you is the amount of negative talk about yourself that you do. You state it as fact that nothing can change. Trite as it may sound, nothing can without belief. While I understand your frustration because you have tried so many things and part of what you are dealing with may in fact be biochemical, I remain a firm believer in everyone's ability to listen to that innermost voice and to try integrate what that voice is telling you with your actual life. You have children that you now have a responsibility for and this changes things. I am a parent and I know that balancing my own needs with my children's was completely different than before I brought them into the world. Again though, you can feel trapped by this or you can use this new role to connect with someplace deeper in yourself. What if you decided that the one legacy you would like to leave your children was not that life was unbearable but that life was an adventure in problem-solving and thinking outside the norms. Sometimes when I am really depressed and I have to go to work, it is just the fact that I know the kids are looking at how I approach life as much as they are looking at the lesson I prepared for them.Most days, just having to fake it for them actually changes my frame of mind. This morning I was reading that awe is the antidote to worry. There is nothing like spending time with children to be infected with the spirit of awe at simple things. My own children grew up but if there were one time in my life that I would unequivocally choose to repeat it would be when they were very young and they led me to seeing the world through their eyes.

I do not think that your pain and depression is pathetic or without validity. I also think that changing the fatalistic voice that your pain has implanted in your head is the key to the way out. It won't be easy or simple but it is possible. Don't give up.<3
 
Thanks herbavore for taking the time to write such a sincere response. Your time abroad as a youth is a little similar to mine. I have relatives in Europe that I visited often and I also spent a year in Indonesia as an exchange student while I was a senior in high school. The gap between the rich & poor really wore on me. The family I stayed with had 8 servants who made roughly $5 a month. I used to play with them and their children in the streets. They seemed perfectly happy with their lives. These types of experiences reinforced my atheism/agnosticism and fed into my depression.

The wife is leaving with the kid to be with her family on Monday. She can't deal with my depression and the things I've been saying. Plus she fears for our kid's safety now that I've admitted to using drugs around them. In the meantime my family keeps calling to check in on me because they think I'm suicidal. When I do have the courtesy to answer the phone I just keep saying, "I'm fine. Just need a little time to myself". Time to myself does sound attractive right about now, but at the same time I realize it could reinforce some of my bad habits. Or speed up the free fall into my depression.

Part of me thinks the solution is to finish off the rest of my stash. One last selfish, indulgent, hooray. Flush it out of my system. Vow never to do illegal drugs again. Quit smoking cigs while I'm at it.

But I know myself. If drugs are no longer taken, the void will need to be filled. At the moment I really don't have any desire to start drinking again. So that leaves what? What "aderanline producing risk" is left? I've come to realize that part of the allure is the act of sneaking itself. And that's the source of all the negativity - knowing that I'm lying and hiding things from people who are about me.
 
I dont really post in here that much but the more I think about the more I realize at some point im probably going to do a lethal amount of opiates on purpose and just end it.

Im quitting my job to go back to school, but the more I think about it I hate school as much as my job
Im moving back in with my dad soon who I really dont see eye to eye with
Nothing keeps my interest anymore, its just get up, go to work, do drugs, pass out, repeat.
I havent really hung out with a friend in about a year and a half
Nobody I meet seems to have similiar views as me
My parents think im crazy
Well I am crazy, but not like the Colorado Shooter crazy
I guess I just dont agree with how things are going in this country, and rather than be apart of it id rather just bow out now
I dont know, part of me is just venting but part of me really wants to just not wake up ever
 
When you feel suicidal it is important to first look at what could be influencing these feelings chemically. Are you on any antidepressants that could be causing these feelings? Is it the effects of drugs that you are using recreationally that are pushing these feelings from mild depression into true despair? If you can rule out these factors and it is indeed despair in living that is causing you to see death as an answer, then you have to be willing to get off the prescribed paths and do something to challenge your view of the world and yourself in the world. Maybe you prescribe them, maybe your family does or your culture or all of these in combination. If you hated your job and are now feeling like you will hate school then it is imperative to look at something really different. Your spirit is in need of food. The world is big and varied. Cultures value different things. Maybe you should look at completely changing your outside circumstances before that inner despair consumes you. It is really hard to give permission to yourself to simply stop and explore the world (as an adult in this culture) but that is the only thing that saves some of us. Do you think that you are doing what you are doing because you cannot imagine any other kind of success for yourself?
 
I think you're an amazing person Mr. Flowers. You genuinely care about your loved ones and I think that being a good person on the inside means more than anything else in life.

Remember that you're a good person on the inside, and that there's other people out there who care about you. :)

You can always PM me, I know I go through hard times too and hope that I can at least be a good listener whenever you need one.
 
idk i think whats happening with me is i'm going through hypomania and then a very depressed state so it's good to know that this won't last long... i hope
 
i wanna kill myself so bad but i feel so guilty leaving my loved ones to deal with that shit i hate everything

I 2nd that..good thing I have no loved 1's 2 feel guilty about(no friends or family will care, and currently single)... I have it all planed out just need the where n when... I can't wait 2 be done w this waste of a life..all I eat, sleep, and think about anymore is dying.. I'm so done n ovr it! :(
 
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My best friend is suffering so much its so unfair i can totally understand ihis reasons for feeling like giving it all up but hes so strong and dosnt realise it,iv seen him suffer inside himself hes my inspiration,i just wish he could know that hes the most loveable person iv ever met in my whole life it kills me to know that he hates himself hes just full of goodness and nothing less.Ill treasure him forevermore ill never let him go now ill always try my best to help him understand that hes amazing and so loveable too.
 
:( sconnie have you had your appointment yet, love?

Monday. Makes me nervous though, I need drugs, but I also know how they can be, making it worse and all. I have nothing holding me back @ this point, so I really hope they don't push me over the edge. Its scary knowing I having everything in order, just waiting til I break( which I know is coming if this don't change).
 
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