I'm sitting here reading the posts on this thread from people who are genuinely in the pits. Out of work, health problems, family issues, etc.
Not me. I was dealt a great hand of cards in the game in life. Despite numerous episodes with depression and 2 suicide attempts as a teen, I still somehow managed to make it to my mid 30's. Awesome wife, beautiful kid, and 1 more on the way. Family is great - no drama. Great job in a field that I love and I get along with everyone well.
Yet here I am, spiraling downward. As I write this I'm reminded of my teenage days where I sat in my bedroom drunk and writing suicidal thoughts in my journal.
I've been in the psych ward 4 times, have seen at least 10 different therapists/shrinks, and have tried various cocktails of psych meds. The current one, Lamical & Lithium, has managed to keep my dangerous thoughts dormant for a good 5 years now. All of the SSRIs were pure poison to my body (I was under the influence during both attempts at taking my life). But I digress.
I have no reason whatsoever to be complaining about anything. Things are a bit shaky in the marriage right now after I fessed up to my drug usage to my pregnant wife, but this is not something most of the posters here couldn't handle.
So what the hell is wrong with me? I told my wife the other day that my life is one big lie; that I fool everybody into thinking I'm a good person and am happy. The truth is that I'm a fucking narcissistic, sneaky, manipulating, cheating, piece of shit that will eventually cause those around me harm. I am never to be trusted. Solution: get the hell away from me and let me finish this off. For the good of everyone.
I guess I know that I can continue to "mask" the core cause of these thoughts with meds/drugs and get through life. It feels plastic to me though, and as I'm seeing now all it takes is one trigger to see through it. If I do manage to survive this round, life will certainly deal another round.
It feels helpless. No amount of therapy or science can change who I am (barring a brain lobotomy perhaps). I am never going to change. I'm always going to lurk quietly, figure out what people want to hear, manipulate in order to get what I want, and lie, lie, lie. You think I just did something nice for you? Fool! You think I'm really happy now? Think again.
All I ever really wanted since the beginning of high school was to be alone, drink, listen to dark music, and look at myself crying in the mirror. Those moments, including my 2nd suicide attempt, felt more brutally honest than any others in my life. It wasn't exactly euphoria I felt when in those places, but it was powerful. So intense that it became addictive. Suicide was the final climax.
So many people in the world would die to be in shoes from a socioeconomic standpoint. I'm sitting here having a pity party and talking about how I can't stand it.
Pathetic.