Bupe ...The subutex blues...

[bigzip44]

Hey there BLers,

So, long term dope user turned long term subutex maintenance plus whatever was on the side plus heavy benzos. I finally worked my way off of ten years of 16-32mg of subutex daily maintenance and now I'm on and off morphine and trying to taper off these bastard benzos (which I think are probably worse than any fucking opiate). In either case, I was wondering what people's experiences are: do you feel normal after coming off years of high-dose subutex after... one year? three years? never? I know all the generic answers at this point but I have this strange feeling that buprenorphine is somehow different, that its incredibly high affinity for your opiate receptor system and its agonist/antagonist makeup make this lovely drug something perhaps even more insidiously addictive than the big bad methadone (perhaps not physically but mentally, emotionally?).

I'm a good five or six months off subutex now which is NOT to say I've been off of opiates. I've been dabbling on, for me, relatively small doses of morphine (120mg a day mostly not) really trying to figure this kicking opiates thing for good and I'm curious, to all those that have had a long, long habit, what it was like coming off subs and what happened? Did anyone make it out to tell the story of finding God or happiness or whatever after a time? I'd just like people's experiences, what they did or didn't do and advice because at this point I don't think I could give subutex to my worst enemy after kicking this shit for so long and finally getting off of it but at the same time, the depression and dysphoria follow me around and have essentially made me agorafuckingphobic etcetcetc and I shouldn't be this fucked up - I have a decent life, a beautiful girlfriend, and what have you. I just feel like I'll never feel the same after so long on this shit and I'm hoping someone can point me in the right direction with some choice words. I'm even trying to work the damn steps and I gave up drinking. I'd like to hear from some people on this. And sorry mods, I didn't know where this belonged so I put it here, feel free to relocate it as you see fit.

Thanks and much love...

 

[dirzted]

Don't have much to say to your question but ya man I'm right there with you, my Doc's a little too liberal in his prescriptions of subs and I took advantage of it wayy to easily, Im now stuck on 16mg by my own accord and worried as shit as to whether I'll be able to live without them. I mean not that I want to get off of them immediately or anything, I fucking love these things, i get my light buzz in the morning so my whole "addict insatiable craving" thing is completely satisfied, and I can be around all sorts of drug use and not even trip in the slightest, on top of that, I have like no physical side effects and I just got on this program so that I get my entire script free! So shit, idk dude, sorry if i just ramble about myself when i shoulda answered your question, but if anything just know you're not alone dude.

 

[bigzip44]

Don't have much to say to your question but ya man I'm right there with you, my Doc's a little too liberal in his prescriptions of subs and I took advantage of it wayy to easily, Im now stuck on 16mg by my own accord and worried as shit as to whether I'll be able to live without them. I mean not that I want to get off of them immediately or anything, I fucking love these things, i get my light buzz in the morning so my whole "addict insatiable craving" thing is completely satisfied, and I can be around all sorts of drug use and not even trip in the slightest, on top of that, I have like no physical side effects and I just got on this program so that I get my entire script free! So shit, idk dude, sorry if i just ramble about myself when i shoulda answered your question, but if anything just know you're not alone dude.

No, bro I get it and I don't think anybody (including me and you presumably) gets on subs thinking "i'm gonna fuck myself". I got on em' because it was helluva lot easier than the daily dope grind but for whatever reason I hit that weird part in life where I wanted to freak my shit out and try sobriety and now I'm just like spiritually devoid and terrified that I'll never be right again no matter what the fuck I do and I'm so scared that I'll never see beauty again or be inspired again, paint and/or write again, inspired! not that dope inspired me and certainly not that subs inspired me but now off of them I'm like actually forced to see how fucking uninspired and completely bereft of hope I've been lately on this shit and I guess I'm rambling too but yeah, it is nice to know I'm not alone. This whole thing is bananas and sometimes I look around and I have no idea what the fuck happened and/or how the fuck it happened. I figure if I can get off this shit than maybe I can recapture some of these broken dreams I've been throwing away for so long, ya know? I'm a writer and I was doing good, getting published, getting gigs, etc when I decided to quit and now I'm in this horrible biochemical purgatory where I don't know how to get out of bed.

I guess I need to figure out how to believe in God or buy a cat.
...keep on trucking, eh?

 

[TouchN' Stuff Blvd]

No, bro I get it and I don't think anybody (including me and you presumably) gets on subs thinking "i'm gonna fuck myself". I got on em' because it was helluva lot easier than the daily dope grind but for whatever reason I hit that weird part in life where I wanted to freak my shit out and try sobriety...

It is funny you mention you are a writer, because I was really struck by the flow of these first two sentences, and interesting contrast between your choice of very casual vocabulary, and serious subject matter. I read them twice before I read the rest and got to the part where you mentioned you are a writer. And truth be told, I am not just shitting you.

I dont see why you need God or a cat really, just keep writing

 

[TouchN' Stuff Blvd]

Inspiration doesn't have to be loving life. It can be a desire to see it for what it really is, in all its shitiness. Just thought I would add that in, too

 

[bigzip44]

It is funny you mention you are a writer, because I was really struck by the flow of these first two sentences, and interesting contrast between your choice of very casual vocabulary, and serious subject matter. I read them twice before I read the rest and got to the part where you mentioned you are a writer. And truth be told, I am not just shitting you.

I dont see why you need God or a cat really, just keep writing

thanks man ... it's the writing or the lack thereof that's really fucking with me lately. something about sobering up off subs or whatever it is i'm trying to do has made me terrified of my own writing and i'm succumbing to this horrible fear that i can't write anymore... it's becoming almost like a phobia. if you want to see something pretty cool, this is the first gig i ever did reading and it's pretty good stuff, never shared my work on BL but why not: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaO1mkWl8rw i've never put anything on BL before but check it out and see if you like it.

 

[bigzip44]

and i guess since i'm plugging myself (no, not anally you bunch of BLers you!) go check out my website for more shit: http://www.everythingsings.org

 

[TouchN' Stuff Blvd]

Damn I really like your writing, I was afraid I wouldn't after inadvertently encouraging you to post your stuff, because this really would not be the place to tell you that the stuff you consider your inspired work was weak - but thankfully it was really funny at certain phrases, dark at the same time, and really has a strong sense of a distinct personality in it too, really really strong work.

I think that worrying if you have lost your talent is a waste of energy you could use on writing. Make something really mundane if uninspired, see if you even can

I can totally relate to the anxiety you feel about writing, however I think the notion that you need to be inspired to create art is a little ridged and part of a old romantic notion of what type of people artists and writers aught to be and where their work should come from. If you just start working, the medium you are using to create (words) can become the source of "inspiration," for example. More than finding a way to get inspired I think its important just to find an idea you can get completely involved with so that you stop worrying about being inspired, or other factors related to how the work will be perceived.

Edit: I will add that I don't know anything about writing. But I can relate as a failed painter. But then again maybe im way more off base than I think

 

[NegativeKC7]

I was on opiates for ten years(working from a codeine/morphine habit all the way up to a G+ a day ECP IV habit) and went on suboxone for 2 years. Over the course of sub treatment i had periods of sobriety and periods of use.
But I have been off subs for a year now and it slowly gets better...after 6 months I was sleeping normally. After a year or so I'm finally getting my weight at a steady point.
Sub withdrawl is 100x worse than dope. It lingers and can come back randomly even when you think its over.

Also...if you are trying to work the steps in NA or AA and you are still using...you won't get much out of it. Give yourself 90 meetings in 90 days completely clean and if its not working...addiction is always waiting for ya, you can go back.

 

[msted]

I need help can anyone tell me if sure gel will cover a sub

 

[shayjaychi]

yeah benzos, wen it comes down t it suc but if u dont fuck wit the diesel they r really fuck up withdrawl. the problem arises when i take benzos (xanax,klonopin,temezepam) and then go and to some good quality chicaho h ur really pushing it becuz wen u combine those two if u dont know wut ur doing u shouldnt b fuckin wit. already had a 27 year old brother die from xanax and meth(opiate) he didnt even know thats why i love this website

 

[dirzted]

No, bro I get it and I don't think anybody (including me and you presumably) gets on subs thinking "i'm gonna fuck myself". I got on em' because it was helluva lot easier than the daily dope grind but for whatever reason I hit that weird part in life where I wanted to freak my shit out and try sobriety and now I'm just like spiritually devoid and terrified that I'll never be right again no matter what the fuck I do and I'm so scared that I'll never see beauty again or be inspired again, paint and/or write again, inspired! not that dope inspired me and certainly not that subs inspired me but now off of them I'm like actually forced to see how fucking uninspired and completely bereft of hope I've been lately on this shit and I guess I'm rambling too but yeah, it is nice to know I'm not alone. This whole thing is bananas and sometimes I look around and I have no idea what the fuck happened and/or how the fuck it happened. I figure if I can get off this shit than maybe I can recapture some of these broken dreams I've been throwing away for so long, ya know? I'm a writer and I was doing good, getting published, getting gigs, etc when I decided to quit and now I'm in this horrible biochemical purgatory where I don't know how to get out of bed.

I guess I need to figure out how to believe in God or buy a cat.
...keep on trucking, eh?

Sorry, took me a while to reply, but don't think that just because AA or other programs advocate all this "spirituality" means that you actually need it. Like seriously, there are TANGIBLE things that are lost for being on a drug and dependent on it for an extended period of time, but if you don't take into account a REASONABLE and NON-SUPERNATURAL cost benefit analysis, then you're really kidding yourself. This is NOT a way to justify subs forever, but don't be too hard on yourself! Fuck a God, just live for yourself, don't worry about feeling spiritually content, just try and justify your own existence BY YOURSELF! If you are able to then you probably won't need the subs anymore anyway and if so then there ya' fuckin' go!

Not making your claims of dissatisfaction irrelevant, just saying to direct them in a more effective way, I personally don't know what I'm gonna do but shit if I would otherwise be using and all I can percieve is positive effects from my bupe, then shit I'll be on it until I stop feeling that way! Why would I choose otherwise? There good questions that you should be asking yourself on top of this man, if you're not using than that's all that matters and don't be to hard on yourself.

That is all.