The struggle to sobriety living alongside Influence.

[bananamana]

Currently 19 , living with my boyfriend of almost two years.
our relationship started out primarily revolving around drugs. We were both unsure of each others use at first, until we eventually found out each other were frequent drug users and we kind of just went with it. I had been using and injecting ketamine for about three years prior to meeting him but had really reduced my use. He had an opiate addiction for a couple years prior to meeting me but had since gotten clean after traveling south america. When we started dating we were primarily using opitaes- Oxy, hyrdro morph etc and heroin.
At first it was exciting and almost fun. we at the time had an abundance of money and time. It sounds maybe desirable but when you have a developing drug habit it would be what ruined everything. We eventually would get sicker and more dependant when we werent using - which in tern would be the reason why my boyfirend went on methadone and me shortly after.
Since then I have pretty much been clean for almost a year, with the exception of a few relapses, nothing serious. But i feel ive been able to control my use since being on meth. i am currently on the last ten mgs of my taper, with full carries and still decreasing. My boyfriend on the other hand has been using all along and has actually been going up in his dose. We live together so whenever he uses i have to constantly distract myself, knowing very well what hes doing in the other room. Its been over a year now and im so much farther ahead of him, we were supposed to go on anf off this together but he feels its much more difficult for him. He cannot seem to not use and because of that i have to put of with the anxiety of knowing theres heroin ten feet away from me. He gets angry when i complain and tells me his addiction is much worse and i dont understand. But i feel like its really unfair.
I love him very much and want to help him through this but i have to take myself and MY recovery into consideration also. I feel like when im fianlly off methadone he'll probably still be on for years longer than me and i dont know how to help him....
any advice?

 

[wooger]

Well first of all I think you deserve a massive congratulations on the progress YOU have made so :D

You also make a very good point when you say you have to concentrate on yourself getting clean and progressing with your life in the direction you want it to go into rather than being a slave to addiction.

I don't agree with a lot of what NA/AA have to say but one of the things they do mention is relationships and I think they make a pretty good point here, it is going to be pretty difficult to have a meaningful intimate relationship with someone who isn't ready to quit, you say yourself the temptation is always going to be there.

Either way, if I were you, if possible, I would go and stay with a friend for a while. It would give you space away from temptation and your boyfriend a real motivation to try and progress with breaking his addiction. It sounds like he might benefit from an inpatient programme for a while at least, try suggesting it to him.....

anyways... I hope this works out for you and you deserve a massive 'I am awesome!' sticker for the progress for the progress you have made so far :D.

 

[herbavore]

I have to enthusiastically second what wooger said about congratulations being deserved for what you have accomplished. Yay!:D

You are in a complicated situation. It sounds like you are very devoted to your boyfriend and at the same time very devoted to getting and staying clean. You know that your boyfriend has to have the desire to quit and then do it, of his own accord. There is nothing that you can do to "help" him get to that point beyond what you have already done--love and accept him, encourage him and set the example and lead the way. All that and his usage has only increased.

You have to take care of yourself. It may be that the fact that you are choosing to move out (if you do) will motivate him to try, but maybe not. I think you need to make a plan for yourself considering all of your alternatives. Do you have good support outside of the relationship?

 

[badfish45]

I third that, getting off heroin is no easy task. From what I see, you seem like a very good person and you're only showing concern for your boyfriend, because you don't want to see this addiction grasp and consume him. It's tough, but you need to take care of yourself first. Your boyfriend is still a free spirit and will use as much as he wants, but the best that you can do right now (as said above) is motivate him and above all ENCOURAGE HARM REDUCTION. This is the most important thing I've said, he's going to use as much as he wants, and he's only going to quit when he wants, not to say that you can't influence factors to help him quit, but above all just make sure he's practicing proper technique, hygiene and getting "safe" product. The main goal of Bluelight is harm reduction, we want to make sure people do what they do safely. Just show that your love is always there for him.

 

[Legerity]

It seems that it depends on if you are able to achieve your own goals while remaining in this living situation. Doesn't matter if he thinks his addiction is worse than yours was or whether or not he thinks you understand. If your priority is to not use any drugs and you're able to do so with somebody else getting high around you then that can work; if not there's nothing wrong with making whatever changes are necessary in order for you to do what you need to do.

 

[Larson0]

after reading the post and not reading the replys, you need to leave him.

your being tormented by having that around you. i once quit a while back and still worked in the same place where EVERYONE around me was crushing and snorting oxys. it was hell watching that. eventually got in a fist fight cause of it and beat the shit out of someone. they were bein cunts about it but i still lost my temper in a way i never have before. i ended up relapsing obviously.

hes not ready to quit, thats pretty clear. you seem to have it under control but what happens when you detox? when hes running around full of energy or nodding out and your sitting there awake or in pain hating everything? hes passed out at night on the second night and you think "fuck it, wheres his shit?"

at least stay with another friend or family, but chances are high he isn't gonna stop and you will. your lives will change dramatically when your off and you'll see his for what it is. he wont be able to or wont want to keep up with you.

then again its hard to leave someone you've been with for years. esp when your in a vulnerable position like that with nowhere to go / no money

 

[itsok]

personally, i'd leave him. i know it's hard to do. but i've done what u have done and got sucked back in. this is why im single now. i seem to only attract addicts. i think that is a litmus test of whether im ready for a relationship. since i want to be clean, i deserve to be w someone who is clean. until i am attracted to the right, healthy type of person, id rather be alone.

 

[bananamana]

I know the obvious solution would be to hit the road but unfortunately itsnot always that simple. We've been through a lot together and have helped each other through some really hard times. We currentlylive in an amazing apartment that has already improved our quality of life since our last shithole, and have found decent jobs to support our lifestyles so aside from the drug use were pretty content. Recently, he has been very depressed he spent 500 dollars on dope last week and somehow hid it from me. I feel like if I were to leave i would be giving up on him and I think it would do more harm to him than good. If I left it know he would get worse and worse and that is not what I want for him. He he has potential to be an amazing person! He is a very talented drummer and musician and is a great caring loving and supportive boyfriend. I want to be with him I'm just at the end of my rope trying to help him. I have no idea what to do anymore but lead by example which clearly is not working. I'm just in a tricky situation. The does anyone know of any couples groups or something....... Anything? Because this is long past exhausting. I thanks for the responses they are very helpful.

 

[effie]

^ You obviously love your boyfriend a lot, which is a wonderful thing. He's very lucky to have you! Opinions are divided on whether couples in recovery can stay together or not, and I'm not going to tell you either way.. you have to do what you think is right. Just remember sometimes you can't save someone - you can be there for them and support them, but ultimately it is their decision. And sometimes you have to put yourself first, especially if your own recovery is in jeopardy

Couples therapy/groups sounds like an excellent idea! I don't know of any specific ones I'm afraid, whereabouts do you live? Is your boyfriend getting any kind of support or therapy or addiction counselling at the moment?

Good luck and congrats again on how well you are handling this. It is incredibly difficult trying to help someone who doesn't seem able to help themselves, especially when you are also trying to keep yourself on track

 

[OverDone]

I admire your strength and determination. Not many would be able to abstain in your circumstances.

The obsession to get high is usually very strong in the beginning of getting clean. That obsession can be a real motherfucker. Having dope nearby and the one closest to you openly using without any regard for your goals is a rocky road. At some point, obsession and opportunity are going to meet and it will be difficult to not use. I dig the fact that so far, every day that you have fought off the temptation directly in front of, you have strengthened your coping mechanisms. Not many would be able to endure that to the point that you already have.

Have you noticed that you guys are growing in different directions? If so, your idea for couples counseling (maybe combined with CBT for your bf) is an excellent idea. The sooner you guys start working on repairing the relationship, the better. Sadly, its an uphill battle and most likely a no win situation if your bf still sees no problem with his usage. Dope and therapy don't really mesh too well.

Is he up for the idea of couples therapy?