yoUr bLiSS
Bluelighter
***if you have the time and care enough to better understand this madness please go to trip reports and read my experience on DMT***
i don't know what to think, how to feel, or how to act. i haven't cried in years, have not felt this pain within. it comes in whirwinds...one moment i'm okay the next i am crying so hard i can't breath and my fingers go numb. i know this state all to well. i lived it for years. i can't take another day off of work. but i cannot do anything but think and cry. i put a tori amos cd on i have not heard in years. i knew it would intensify my pain. when i get to this state i like to take it to the extreme and squeeze out as much pain as possible. i cannot eat, or do anything. if i'm not writing then i am curled up in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably. does it ever stop??? i guess 3 years of feeling nothing gives the tears ample time to build up. they just keep coming uncontrollably...brief little interludes inbetweenn. the whole experience has definitly been traumatic..yet the real pain i feel is rooted down deep within that boy. that dark twisted dj boy i chose to play with. i was warned. i knew i was playing with fire. his flames intrigued me. and i was willing to face the inevitable burn at the end, for i knew that the thrill of the inbetween would make it all worthwhile. but the end came too quick, and all the madness, delusions, and false realizations that came at the end burned not only my pride but my soul.
for one moment...30 minutes of bliss i believed without a doubt that you were this person my mind had conjured up. that despite all the warnings i had something special...something different. that saturday coldness had a deeper meanning. that you cared enough to step in and help me. the pieces fell into place so perfcetly. to have your heart ripped out of your chest is one thing. i have ways to deal with that. but to believe with all your heart that you have touched someone enough to change them..that they would go to the utmost extreme to help you and be there for you....only to find them clueless to the deed that you had so foolishly believed in. hurts more then any broken heart i have ever had. my heart is intact it is my soul that's fucked up. looking back the whole notion is completely ludicrous. and how do you think i feel? i turned you into my saviour. you another fucking dj without a car. i guess you'd have to care enough to pay attention to deatil to pick up on clues. but you didn't and you don't and that is what hurts the most. sure when the truth came out you were concerned, you took care of me. you even called today to make sure i was ok. yet it's friendly concern. i want the bliss of friday night. where did it go???? you played the role of my fantasy down to every detail. as if i had created the night and pushed play. to be let down from such amazing proportions is really hard to accept. you brought me into your world. you showered me with affection. you did not hide anything. everyone thought i was your girlfriend. there i was living my fucking dj fantasy. the night could not have been more perfect. i was watching my back though, not expecting to much. but it's almost as if because i believed for a moment with all my heart that you were this other person...i can't seem to accept that you are not. the feeling did not leave with the illusion. i'm fucked up mentally in you. you were there for the most traumatic experience of my life. you saw sides of me i never knew i had. you are the only one i can speak to about this. the only one who understands and knows the full truth. i don't know how to act..i can't talk to you. i hate being in this place...i hate it....
i don't know what to think, how to feel, or how to act. i haven't cried in years, have not felt this pain within. it comes in whirwinds...one moment i'm okay the next i am crying so hard i can't breath and my fingers go numb. i know this state all to well. i lived it for years. i can't take another day off of work. but i cannot do anything but think and cry. i put a tori amos cd on i have not heard in years. i knew it would intensify my pain. when i get to this state i like to take it to the extreme and squeeze out as much pain as possible. i cannot eat, or do anything. if i'm not writing then i am curled up in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably. does it ever stop??? i guess 3 years of feeling nothing gives the tears ample time to build up. they just keep coming uncontrollably...brief little interludes inbetweenn. the whole experience has definitly been traumatic..yet the real pain i feel is rooted down deep within that boy. that dark twisted dj boy i chose to play with. i was warned. i knew i was playing with fire. his flames intrigued me. and i was willing to face the inevitable burn at the end, for i knew that the thrill of the inbetween would make it all worthwhile. but the end came too quick, and all the madness, delusions, and false realizations that came at the end burned not only my pride but my soul.
for one moment...30 minutes of bliss i believed without a doubt that you were this person my mind had conjured up. that despite all the warnings i had something special...something different. that saturday coldness had a deeper meanning. that you cared enough to step in and help me. the pieces fell into place so perfcetly. to have your heart ripped out of your chest is one thing. i have ways to deal with that. but to believe with all your heart that you have touched someone enough to change them..that they would go to the utmost extreme to help you and be there for you....only to find them clueless to the deed that you had so foolishly believed in. hurts more then any broken heart i have ever had. my heart is intact it is my soul that's fucked up. looking back the whole notion is completely ludicrous. and how do you think i feel? i turned you into my saviour. you another fucking dj without a car. i guess you'd have to care enough to pay attention to deatil to pick up on clues. but you didn't and you don't and that is what hurts the most. sure when the truth came out you were concerned, you took care of me. you even called today to make sure i was ok. yet it's friendly concern. i want the bliss of friday night. where did it go???? you played the role of my fantasy down to every detail. as if i had created the night and pushed play. to be let down from such amazing proportions is really hard to accept. you brought me into your world. you showered me with affection. you did not hide anything. everyone thought i was your girlfriend. there i was living my fucking dj fantasy. the night could not have been more perfect. i was watching my back though, not expecting to much. but it's almost as if because i believed for a moment with all my heart that you were this other person...i can't seem to accept that you are not. the feeling did not leave with the illusion. i'm fucked up mentally in you. you were there for the most traumatic experience of my life. you saw sides of me i never knew i had. you are the only one i can speak to about this. the only one who understands and knows the full truth. i don't know how to act..i can't talk to you. i hate being in this place...i hate it....
