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The Stand up Comedy Thread.

This thread evolved iirc analgous to life becoming second opinion through crossposting.

K. So im on the highway. Man tailgating with chick aside. I fake an orgasm with my car. She explodes in laughter. He pullls over goes steady speed limit. I open window and say "yes i am your father"

That wasnt very funny. Hhhhm lets seeeee.

K, why does shampoo not have an ending in the directions. Ive been here all day ....
 
HdoubleODeezy said:
In class the teacher asked a question and little johnny got it wrong, the bitchy teacher who always made fun of him laughed and made fun of him as usual since he was the only one to get the question wrong but than said to him "but i like the way you think"
So in rebuttal and feeling embarrassed since he was singled out again by the teacher and had gotten fed up with being picked on so he said to the teacher:
"If you're so smart answer me this please:
Three woman walk out of an ice cream shop with ice cream cones.
One is licking the ice cream, one is sucking the ice cream and the other is biting the ice cream.
He than proceeds to ask the teacher which one of the 3 woman is married.
The teacher answered: The one sucking on the ice cream.
Johnny said no, the one with a wedding ring.. but i like the way you think"
.......................................

I've always wanted to go out to a club and find a girl named Sharon and invite her to come chill at my table with my group of peeps and then say loudly for the whole table to hear..
"I've gotta get some pussy tonight, who's sharin?"
She would yell out "Im Sharon!" and i would laugh and say thats great to hear.


-HOOD
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I couldnt read that without flashes of instagrammed pumpkin spice lattes going thru my dome.

Why is small tall? Starbucks, be less green then off go the bitches
 
How do you stop a mass shooting?

Barricade the cathedral.

Sorry I just came out of the gun thread.
 
i hated how they used jackie chan in the karate kid reboot. he's chinese, not japanese. they weren't even doing karate. it's stupid. you know i would have preferred them going with a tranny karate instructor instead. it would have given the wax on wax off training a whole new level of meaning.

ParappaTheRapper said:
Anyway, didnt he get in a shootout or flip out or something??
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i dunno. all i know is that he is incredibly unfunny.
 
"foggy on the mountain dew on the grass ,you all stuck a finger up a baboons ass......baboon said bless my soul ,get your ffingers out of my asshole"
 
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, her crotch smelled like tuna her mouth smelled like poo.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
On the whole Americans are surpassing the Brits pretty thoroughly at the moment. Louis CK, Bill Burr, Doug Stanhope etc are all killing it compared to UK stand ups. There is some decent stuff going on but shit tv panel shows are definitely killing the scene over here. Jim Jefferies is pretty good as well and an Aussie working mainly in America.

Obviously classic stuff like Bill Hicks, Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor, Jerry Seinfeld, George Carlin, Billy Connolly etc from the old days is all worth watching.

There's a few more niche uk comedians like Ross Noble and Jack Dee that I like watching but I'm unsure how well either of them would transfer for Americans.
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Behold:
http://www.cloudy.ec/v/ad667d7f402df
Probably my favorite stand up comedian to date.
 
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