Because I experience chronic pain.... I can't afford pot.... I live by myself with no help taking care of a dog who deserves better.... Drs are assholes who not only push patients into methadone as an easy to access opiod/opiate pain management.... Finally due to my pain and life needs literally preventing my from physical therapy and the exercise to make it stick I live every day with pain that I'd rather die than continue to bear knowing it could be so much better if bullshit social stigma didn't lead doctors to lie about their prescribing abilities stating non existent rules after dragging me along for months doing nothing while talking as if it's my fault because I'm not making enough effort even I've made so much I literally can't anymore. Literally I have been hitting my head on the wall the past two nights because I can't sleep and sometimes it makes me dizzy enough..... I'd go for a walk, but I'd be freezing cold with nothing to see, but drug addicts wasting not only their life, but drugs that could be use for medication rather than recreation. I'd go to a hospital when I am this way or a doctor, but all they do is say I'm too smart to be in this position so they won't do anything while the person next to me is crying because they missed their methadone so the er gladly helps them while neglecting me because my doctor made a mistake sending in my script leaving me without my meds and withdrawing leading to me announcing suicidal intent only to be laughed at as I walked out harming myself stating a second time I was going to end my life and rather than hold me as they were legally liable to do so I left and was hit by a car going 30-40 mph without any obvious damage so now I sit here with even worse back problems due to that incident that was not that bad beforehand yet no one will acknowledge the pain as if I mention pain it's a red flag and if I don't they will tell me to shut up before having security escort me out for screaming "ow, I am in pain, this hurts, I hate my life, I don't want to live, I wish the pain would end" etc. Plus the hospital that let me walk out and attempt to commit suicide with their knowledge faced no reproductions.
So here I sit trying not to lose my mind as methadone makes me depressed in a manic manner while without I become suicidal due to the pain then withdrawals while suboxone doesn't help and Amazon decided to wait a week to ship my fucking poppy seeds and would've gotten here after my birthday if I didn't make serious complaints so now it's coming tomorrow just in time the day before my birthday.... Then waiting for maf were I have to decide how to utilize it and if I want to ween off or give up completely were the latter is seeming to be the better option.... I'd take eternal nothingness over my life any day at this point. I'm tired of being dehumanized....
I live in the most modern liberal part of America so many people dream to be yet growing up here has been a nightmare and truly feels like a ghetto all over for the rich and poor. I am a Jew to so when I say ghetto I ain't talking about the hood I'm talking about the Jewish segregated communities they had been forced to live in and manipulated by targeted economic disparity to prevent them from truly ever being able to live. I try to find inspiration by what they have been through, but they at least have family and community. All my community cares about is what money can they earn off me or what task can I complete for them to make their life easier and to hell with my health as there's always someone else who is desperate to make their life something worth living.
Life may be beautiful, but society is death
Edit : also I have no family anymore. They are alive, but could care less if I die. I'm a mistake they won't admit, but punish me 3x as much for the same things my brother and sister are able to get away with while not even being told they have done wrong. All because I'm a failed investment who can't make money or bring them Jewish grand children.... That's what's important to them not that the life they created is able to thrive. They are horrible people and I wish I realized it early enough to have gotten the help I need and never end up in the position being dependant as I am all for physical pain that causes the blunt of my anxiety and depression..... Without it I do not worry because I can get up and make the effort to make things happen..... Nowadays I can't even walk a block without leanung up on a pole to support myself from exhaustion and back pain.
