I have been single for nearly 3 years. Some might say by choice, because I reject a lot of guys I date, but I think I just date those guys so I can reject them and then write about it here, in on an internet forum. I have fallen for 2 guys in 2 years one was just a few months ago, but he was way too stoned to realise it, and the other I lived with last year and wasted an entire year pining over him , while he got to have his (emotional/physical) way with me.
I have no idea if Im ready for a relationship at all. I dont know if I want to have sex either. Like, not ever again, just for now. Its been just nice being with myself for the past few weeks, not using guys or being used which has generally been the sad state of affairs for some time. I use guys to make me feel better about myself, I somehow, dont ask me how, find very suitable men and make them fall madly in love with me, then I discard them with a heavy scent of disgust and incredulous belief, without giving away my part that I probably played to make that occur. Then I find the most unsuitable men possible and fall desperately in love with them, knowing all the while that will never ever feel the same way but convincing myself that they just need a little convincing. Then I end up lonely and rinse and repeat.
I have no idea why I do this.
Yes I do. I do this because I honestly dont think that I am worthy of being dated, so I avoid falling into suitable arrangements for everyone but create enough drama to validate my self worth and to keep me from murdering people which is what happens when I dont have sex.
I have no idea why im posting this.