I'm glad I have the painkillers to come down off the meth. I plan on being dry as far as that's concerned until my next scheduled vacation in May. I also don't plan on being around it, besides all these dumb ass responsibilites, mainly a ton of medical bills just came in the mail and I have no idea how in the fuck I'm going to pay them. I'm somehow going to have to tackle this and all the other bullshit problems that life demands, so in order to accomplish that, I have to lay off the meth. Besides, I don't want to get another big old habit again. I did start over today with the pills, officially detoxing myself down to 5 pills instead of 6. I'll see how I feel tonight, then decide whether or not the pill intake for detox today will be 4 or 5.
I feel a bit of the sadness coming off and on throughout the days and nights. When I was sober, I still had depression, although less frequent and less intense than when I'm on chems, or specifically tapering off opiates. The cyber sex with John completely reawakened my sexuality and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. In a way it's good because sex, even solo is a good way to reduce tension if you can do it. I've been going through so many emotions lately, the relapse, the fun, the bonding with my old friends, the sorrow at pulling away from my new ones. I still love them, but as for my sponsor and Cheryl, I really don't know what to tell them, so other than telling them I relapsed on Tramadol, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Eventually, my sponsor may get the whole truth out of me, but she loves me so much and will be heartbroken.
It's nobody's fault, really. It's not my old friend's fault, nor anyone else's. I happened to get hooked on Tramadol, that was a very clever, sneaky, snaky way my disease pulled me right back into active addiction, but after what I was going through and all the hell for 6 months trying to kick Tramadol, fuck it. Kicking is never easy, no matter which dope you're trying to get off of, but for me Tramadol has been the absolute worst. I still go to the Fri nite NA meetings because my committment as treasurer isn't up until the end of May and also, my NA friends or even mere acquaintainces really bailed my ass out a lot of times when I had no car and couldn't get to work on the weekends because the bus doesn't run that late to where I work. I felt kind of sad at the meeting last night because of my relapse and I'm sure people sense something is wrong. No one sees me anymore except at the Fri nite meeting.
I will continue to support it, plus somehow I feel that during my sickness is when I need it the most, even though my instinct is to run and hide. That behavior has gotten me into too much trouble in the past. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to handle people's questions when what would have been my 3rd year clean comes around in December. I do know that I cannot nor will not take a dirty NA cake and chip for 3 yrs clean. Cheryl and my sponsor, and Jeff too still love me and call me. The important thing for me right now is to wean myself off the painkillers so I no longer HAVE to take them. I do pray still every day. Sometimes I feel kind of sad and lost, yet at the same time I've learned from this relapse. I've accepted my body finally for the way it is and therefore more in harmony with myself. I got closer with others because I told them the truth about why I really didn't want people that hadn't seen me in years to see a current picture of me.
I told Aimee, Linda, Don, and Chris at the drug den the truth and because of that, I got some help and support because they reminded me I still have beauty, especially when I continue to do the clothes, make up and hair. I learned painful things talking to a former lover that would not have been revealed had I not gone on a relapse, sort of like maybe going to see a shrink and he gives you a little sedative hypnotic drug in order to help you relax and sink slowly into hypno therapy, find out what's wrong, and remove any emotional tumors found. That's what this has felt like. Now as far as the issues of feeling physically or emotionally "blocked" sober, right now I don't have an answer for that. That's why I wanted the shrooms, if they ever happen, but if Erik sends what we talked about, acid can work just as well.
John saw the ring on my finger and the tattoo above my breast. "When did you get that?," he asked. "2006," I said. "It's a cupid." "Was that your boyfriend's idea?," he asked. "No, it was mine, but I call him Kupid." John is married, lives in Ireland. I'd forgotten what real sex was all about since I haven't had any in 8 years, the last time I was with him. I have this strong sense of need for it now though, even if it's only cyber sex. I used to have a lot of cyber when I was horny. I didn't sleep around for it, but I guess you could have called me a cyber slut. It was safer and I didn't have to feel disappointed by a lousy one night stand sex, so this was better. I used to write all sorts of dirty smut when I was horny and high and that sort of happened again a couple days ago. Erik, I hope you understand. It's just cyber, it's just sex, you're forever in my heart, but I'm going nuts over here.
So what am I going to do about the drugs? The truth is while I don't want to be dependent on ANY of them, I'm not so sure anymore about giving them up forever. If not, then I guess that the schedule is the answer until I do.
I feel a bit of the sadness coming off and on throughout the days and nights. When I was sober, I still had depression, although less frequent and less intense than when I'm on chems, or specifically tapering off opiates. The cyber sex with John completely reawakened my sexuality and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. In a way it's good because sex, even solo is a good way to reduce tension if you can do it. I've been going through so many emotions lately, the relapse, the fun, the bonding with my old friends, the sorrow at pulling away from my new ones. I still love them, but as for my sponsor and Cheryl, I really don't know what to tell them, so other than telling them I relapsed on Tramadol, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Eventually, my sponsor may get the whole truth out of me, but she loves me so much and will be heartbroken.
It's nobody's fault, really. It's not my old friend's fault, nor anyone else's. I happened to get hooked on Tramadol, that was a very clever, sneaky, snaky way my disease pulled me right back into active addiction, but after what I was going through and all the hell for 6 months trying to kick Tramadol, fuck it. Kicking is never easy, no matter which dope you're trying to get off of, but for me Tramadol has been the absolute worst. I still go to the Fri nite NA meetings because my committment as treasurer isn't up until the end of May and also, my NA friends or even mere acquaintainces really bailed my ass out a lot of times when I had no car and couldn't get to work on the weekends because the bus doesn't run that late to where I work. I felt kind of sad at the meeting last night because of my relapse and I'm sure people sense something is wrong. No one sees me anymore except at the Fri nite meeting.
I will continue to support it, plus somehow I feel that during my sickness is when I need it the most, even though my instinct is to run and hide. That behavior has gotten me into too much trouble in the past. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to handle people's questions when what would have been my 3rd year clean comes around in December. I do know that I cannot nor will not take a dirty NA cake and chip for 3 yrs clean. Cheryl and my sponsor, and Jeff too still love me and call me. The important thing for me right now is to wean myself off the painkillers so I no longer HAVE to take them. I do pray still every day. Sometimes I feel kind of sad and lost, yet at the same time I've learned from this relapse. I've accepted my body finally for the way it is and therefore more in harmony with myself. I got closer with others because I told them the truth about why I really didn't want people that hadn't seen me in years to see a current picture of me.
I told Aimee, Linda, Don, and Chris at the drug den the truth and because of that, I got some help and support because they reminded me I still have beauty, especially when I continue to do the clothes, make up and hair. I learned painful things talking to a former lover that would not have been revealed had I not gone on a relapse, sort of like maybe going to see a shrink and he gives you a little sedative hypnotic drug in order to help you relax and sink slowly into hypno therapy, find out what's wrong, and remove any emotional tumors found. That's what this has felt like. Now as far as the issues of feeling physically or emotionally "blocked" sober, right now I don't have an answer for that. That's why I wanted the shrooms, if they ever happen, but if Erik sends what we talked about, acid can work just as well.
John saw the ring on my finger and the tattoo above my breast. "When did you get that?," he asked. "2006," I said. "It's a cupid." "Was that your boyfriend's idea?," he asked. "No, it was mine, but I call him Kupid." John is married, lives in Ireland. I'd forgotten what real sex was all about since I haven't had any in 8 years, the last time I was with him. I have this strong sense of need for it now though, even if it's only cyber sex. I used to have a lot of cyber when I was horny. I didn't sleep around for it, but I guess you could have called me a cyber slut. It was safer and I didn't have to feel disappointed by a lousy one night stand sex, so this was better. I used to write all sorts of dirty smut when I was horny and high and that sort of happened again a couple days ago. Erik, I hope you understand. It's just cyber, it's just sex, you're forever in my heart, but I'm going nuts over here.
So what am I going to do about the drugs? The truth is while I don't want to be dependent on ANY of them, I'm not so sure anymore about giving them up forever. If not, then I guess that the schedule is the answer until I do.