this was the single saddest moment in my life, I haven't thought or felt the same since this night and Im not sure I ever will...
I was out one night with a close friend,
it was wonderful, I trust her... I think she sees through my eyes, she looks at life like I do...
I can truly open up to her and share my most personal feelings without doubting her or myself for that matter...
As we were talking about my life and some troubles I had been dealing with, she asked me questions... at the end of our conversation and our cup of coffee, I drove her home and then to my house. I layed down in bed and tears started to fall endlessly, my heart just crumbled.
Our conversation played over and over in my head... I wanted anything to keep it quiet, to push it away , but the more I tried the louder I could hear it.
She asked me why I lowered myself just to hurt by the people I loved most. I pondered on that question for a while... and the truth was... I didn't know.
she told me I needed more, that I was capable of finding happiness in other things.
why did she think I was unhappy? is that what I seem like I asked? She told me she could see it in my eyes, and in the way I spoke and even the way I carried myself. She said she feels like shes watching me self-destruct.
As our conversation went on she asked me the one single question that hangs over my heart till this very moment...
she asked me if I could see myself with someone who could love me for me? I looked out into the cars that passed by the window of the coffee shop , as I sat in silence not wanting to look her in the eye and face up to the truth, she asked me once more...
At that moment I let all pride and respect for myself go. I hung my head down , took a deep breath and simply told her that no.
I had explinations, more like excuses ... but I couldn't find it in me to let out another word.
I let my tears stream down my face, I could taste the salt on my lips and the mascara dripping in my eyes. I felt so little, so worthless... I felt so empty.
I walked out of there with a new realization in my life, and a new outlook on myself, but do you think I changed.... I can't. I can't seem to find it in me to get up and walk away. I know he doesn't care, I know he doesnt love me, I know Im nothing in his eyes... I will never be any of that and for some reason Im still here. I have had moments of feeling important, but not really in my heart...
I wish I knew something different...
I was out one night with a close friend,
it was wonderful, I trust her... I think she sees through my eyes, she looks at life like I do...
I can truly open up to her and share my most personal feelings without doubting her or myself for that matter...
As we were talking about my life and some troubles I had been dealing with, she asked me questions... at the end of our conversation and our cup of coffee, I drove her home and then to my house. I layed down in bed and tears started to fall endlessly, my heart just crumbled.
Our conversation played over and over in my head... I wanted anything to keep it quiet, to push it away , but the more I tried the louder I could hear it.
She asked me why I lowered myself just to hurt by the people I loved most. I pondered on that question for a while... and the truth was... I didn't know.
she told me I needed more, that I was capable of finding happiness in other things.
why did she think I was unhappy? is that what I seem like I asked? She told me she could see it in my eyes, and in the way I spoke and even the way I carried myself. She said she feels like shes watching me self-destruct.
As our conversation went on she asked me the one single question that hangs over my heart till this very moment...
she asked me if I could see myself with someone who could love me for me? I looked out into the cars that passed by the window of the coffee shop , as I sat in silence not wanting to look her in the eye and face up to the truth, she asked me once more...
At that moment I let all pride and respect for myself go. I hung my head down , took a deep breath and simply told her that no.
I had explinations, more like excuses ... but I couldn't find it in me to let out another word.
I let my tears stream down my face, I could taste the salt on my lips and the mascara dripping in my eyes. I felt so little, so worthless... I felt so empty.
I walked out of there with a new realization in my life, and a new outlook on myself, but do you think I changed.... I can't. I can't seem to find it in me to get up and walk away. I know he doesn't care, I know he doesnt love me, I know Im nothing in his eyes... I will never be any of that and for some reason Im still here. I have had moments of feeling important, but not really in my heart...
I wish I knew something different...
