The rocky road of a junkie

[GirlInterrupted]

My goal was to eventually kick heroin. I was able to stay clean from heroin for a good 3 months. Yet every single aching day I still thought about shooting up. The thing that kept me sober was the fact that I had no more connect to get my dope.

I began using pills to help with my chronic pains. Then I was using pills to escape from reality. During this stage I wasn't really "sober" I was still trying to run away from all lifes problem, I just wasn't able to shoot up. I call those 3 months my sober months, but I'm a liar.

I admit, I'm scared. I'm weak. I don't remember what life was like without any mind altering substances. I'm always on something to take me further and further away from the real world. I would love to be a normal person. But I'm too much of a coward to let all my substances go.

The reason why I keep on relapsing is because I don't know what I want.
Part of me wants to be able to face reality and deal with life
The other Part of me wants to hide forever and forget about pain worries ect.

I've recently relapsed back to heroin, and it's got me thinking...
I honestly don't know what I want.

Has anyone else been in a same situation? What decision did you make?

 

[lozgod]

I feel you. I am at the stage I use to not be sick. It just makes me normal so I don't have that escape. My escape is when I am in bed balled up hurling sick ignoring my phone.

I don't know what to say other than you are not alone on the opiate train.

 

[TheBollocks]

Yeah man im in a similar boat but from what I hear (and see) its fucking underrated to be a "normal" person. Keep your head up there is always a better tommorow and dont forget...If youre normal the group will accept you , but if youre deranged the group will make you their leader.

 

[zync76]

I tapered myself down over about a 3month period. and for me when i stopped using on a daily basis was when i was not getting high. I am proud to say ive been using once a week not clean but better than a 150.00 a day heroin habit. I no those feelings u are having make u want to use and the urge is overwhelming just try to tell urself that its just ur addiction lying to u. god bless hope this helps !

 

[PhrostByte]

I'd say ambivalence is a central tenet of addiction. To want to get clean and to get high at the same time IS addiction. Instantaneous hurt and heal.

 

[TheDankaholic]

I developed a major GI disorder that kept getting mis-diagnosed but was crazy painful but since I had no diagnoses and was young I was ignored with the proper pain treatment. By 18 I couldn't take it anymore and buying pain meds was so expensive & then I was turned onto to Heroin. Perfect, it was cheap ( when I still lived in Los Angeles ) and it took my pain away. Before you knew it I was a daily user for over 2 years and had gone to IV'ing that ever so damaging filthy Tar. But the Dr's weren't treating my [ain with fore than 1 Vicodin 5/500 mg a day. Which wasn't cutting it. Sick part at this point I was almost done with my RN & working in an ER when I could handle the pain. You would think they would give me a little credibility. I still don't know how I made it through school on Heroin everyday. The everyday part is probably why actually cuz I never had to withdrawal. I basically hit the point I was doing it to not be sick and just feel normal... good part is after the euphoria and escape are gone the pain killing aspect still can work if you do the right amount.

I thought because they couldn't fix me or even figure out why I was bleeding out my rectum everyday, puking blood, and in pain I was destined to be a junkie for life searching the streets for pain relief so I could live and work. Then it happened one day when I couldn't score, my Dr. calls and they found out what's wrong. I have a rare GI Disorder called Zollingers Ellison but its accompanied by a tumor on my pancreas that after being biopsied is malignant & cancer. It was a bomb of news. Went right into my Dr's and walked out with 120 Oxy 10's and 30mg MS Contin morphine. A week later the morphine wasn't cutting it so he said keep them and take them when I need them and changed it to 120 Oxy 10's for breakthrough and 50mcg Fentanyl patches.

This essentially got me off of heroin so I called myself "sober" too and I really did need pain medication. Well the amounts of everything just kept going up and up and before you knew it I realized the Dr. had e o far more/stronger dope than the street dealers ever did. To this day I'm on 30mg of Methadone twice a day so 60mg. Doesn't sound much to an MMT patient but you gotta realize 60mg of Methadone on a narcotic conversion calculator is 150mg of Oxycodone. Then I'm given 120 Dilaudid (Hydromorophone) 8g tablets as my main choice of pain relief & I do those as 2x 16mg shots a day IV.

Point is the junky in you never goes away, especially if our a chronic pain patient because I have a reason I need my pain meds but I went from the street to the legit Dr finally & I was so happy that it got me off of heroin cause now I wasn't a junky anymore "thank god" when in the end the Dr. with my help of course with my ROA choice has me higher & with more of a tolerance than I ever was before. But Dilaudid sucks swallowed so many times of tried, as well as nasally, & a little better rectally. But I like the needle as much as the drugs (from my heroin days I guess) and I always use a micron filter.

Plus what really put me over the edge with it is everytime I'd have a flare up the hospital would just IV me Dilaudid, Phenergan, & give me an Ativan or Klonopin and send me home with a $3000 bill. I have ALL these meds at home so I learned to handle my own care for under $10 i could do the same. Plus ER' love doing 1mg pushes of Hydromorophone & I'd prefer a 8-16mg push sometimes a 24mg ;-) haha and no 2 min. slow push...... I want a good rush. So I considered this sober time for so long because it's my medical RX i'm just using a method not RX'd to me. Does that make me a junkie and not clean? But my grandma isn't who takes 3 OC 80s a day for her cancer. I'm just as sick... ... ...It's a crazy world.

I think everyone should say screw being normal. What I'd call a Junkie is someone who lts the drug RUIN there life. Not just because your dependent. Because I'm real real dependent but even the Dr's express that openly.

I just wanted to say I love you all and I hope "GirlInterrupted" you find the peace your looking for. I found mine.

 

[AnyCouponWorks]

I'd say ambivalence is a central tenet of addiction. To want to get clean and to get high at the same time IS addiction. Instantaneous hurt and heal.

this is a very simple but very true statement.

your feelings sound very similar to mine when i was using. ( i am sober from suboxone since june 13th 2010 and prior to that used various pills/opiates for about two years before getting on subs in april 09)

One of the miracles for me on suboxone was the sudden realization that the FEARS opiates instilled in me - fears of everyday god damn things - were NOT present before i started using. i was a very happy very successful, peaceful soul until boredom i guess got me into doing pills with an ex boyfriend. the whole rollercoaster of depression, highs, sickness, thrill etc made me a weak, scared, hopeless person. and i BOUGHT INTO IT. i truly forgot that at one time in my life, getting up to go to work in the morning was easy, meaningful, and rewarding.

I totally bought into the idea that i was pathetic, selfish, sad, etc the list goes on and on. just like you said, i totally forgot what life was like in its pure unaltered form. i guess since i started as a happy and seemingly fulfilled person, reflecting now its easier for me to see just how far i fell - my ex for example was the saddest person ive ever known, and therefore him getting sober never works, because he's in despair sober moreso than high. i think he actually prefers being sick with the hope of scoring than to just be sad, depressed, and sober.

anyway my point is that you have to remind yourself that no matter where you are now, it is NOT your reality and not who you truly are. no one is just a drug addict and nothing more. it is no ones identity, solely. i truly believe that. if not, why would anyone ever get sober for good? and to go along with this, being "who you really are" is the only thing that makes people truly happy - in the long term. i know, "who you are" is sometimes something people just dont know, or sounds stupid, like its not a definite thing. but it is, and everyone has the power to find out who they are and what makes them tick. do not underestimate self-reflection.....sounds like you already do that ....

just as you are so far now, from where you used to be before drugs - remember that you are just as far from being sober. does that make sense? do not let your thoughts now tell you that this is your truth. you can and will feel better, if you remain sober for at least as long as you used.

ive been completely opiate free for over 6 months and i did not feel true contenment , the peaceful spiritual kind, until probably 2 months ago.

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

i feel ya. i just recently got clean and i have no idea what i want. i want to be successful and function like normal people. but the other half of me just wants to give up and go back to shooting coke. i miss it so much, and i think its gonna win. im losing the battle. i will never go back to shooting coke, but i will probably shoot other things.

when i was doing coke i was so dirty. the room my boyfriend and i had was so disgustingly filled with garbage, that if one of us had ODed, the paramedics wouldnt have even been able to get in. i didnt shower for a month at a time, and NEVER did laundry. it was always, which ever didnt smell the worst. and yet for some reason i miss all that. its fucked up man, and i wish i knew why.

i have no idea what i want, but i really hope this clean time has taught me something. i wish i could be clean for the rest of my life, but drugs are all i like and i miss them so much. i feel however that im going to have to go through more shit before i get my crap together maybe i can be a weekend user...maybe im just fooling myself. i hope you figure it out man and get life back on track.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Has anyone else been in a same situation? What decision did you make?

It's not so much that I didn't know what I wanted... I knew I wanted to use heroin. I did. I enjoyed it. After being addicted, I didn't want to use it. So I went through the whole way through withdrawal. I did. But then after a while without heroin, life seemed monotonous and I wanted to use heroin again.

I guess my problem is I couldn't be satisfied with life after I had started using it frequently enough.

It's a similar situation because I would go through periods of wanting to use, and then being revolted by using it and trying to quit, going through horrible withdrawal and such.

What did I do? I went on Suboxone, and I kept switching from using Suboxone to using heroin and then going back to Suboxone for a while, but after 3 months of being on Suboxone, I eventually only used Suboxone and stopped seeking out heroin and completely gave up wanting to use it entirely.

After enough time, my opiate tolerance was reset and I now feel a lot better and a lot more like myself. There are a lot of things you can do for your health to help your chances with recovery, and opiate maintenance therapy (methadone or buprenorphine) in my case helped me a lot, I fear I would have never gotten clean without it. There are even other opiate-like legal alternatives like kratom.

Then there's other alternative treatments like ibogaine and other psychedelics. My opinion is that if you deep down in your soul eventually want to quit, you will find a means to help reset your brain chemistry.

 

[Ds]

I gotta admit the life of a junky fucking sucks, no ''normal'' person can relate to our story because they've never been down that road.

It sucks, i'm a Heroin addict to. I've used opiates since I was 13, and didn't start shooting up until I was 15. I'm 22 now, almost all veins in my hands and arms have collapsed. I don't keep that from fucking with my recovery.

You say u keep relapsing because u dont know what you want. I can hear that you want soberity, so why not keep that your main concern. I HAVE to place my soberity before anything or else i'm going to lose it.

You WANT soberity! You WANT to be sober! You WANT to live and not die!

Make a gratitude list, list shit your grateful for, start from the basic shit, like you are wearing socks, you have a tooth brush, you have both your arms, shit like that.

Don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle(sp?). I'm battling emotions right now, I go to meetings and share that shit, and hear how other people get through it.

Dont let that Guilt and Shame get to you, so what you relapsed, pick up a slip chip and move on with your life. (im guessing u go to 12 step meetings?)

I'm not telling you how to live your life, just trying to help. G.I. your helping me stay sober .

 

[GirlInterrupted]

I gotta admit the life of a junky fucking sucks, no ''normal'' person can relate to our story because they've never been down that road.

It sucks, i'm a Heroin addict to. I've used opiates since I was 13, and didn't start shooting up until I was 15. I'm 22 now, almost all veins in my hands and arms have collapsed. I don't keep that from fucking with my recovery.

You say u keep relapsing because u dont know what you want. I can hear that you want soberity, so why not keep that your main concern. I HAVE to place my soberity before anything or else i'm going to lose it.

You WANT soberity! You WANT to be sober! You WANT to live and not die!

Make a gratitude list, list shit your grateful for, start from the basic shit, like you are wearing socks, you have a tooth brush, you have both your arms, shit like that.

Don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle(sp?). I'm battling emotions right now, I go to meetings and share that shit, and hear how other people get through it.

Dont let that Guilt and Shame get to you, so what you relapsed, pick up a slip chip and move on with your life. (im guessing u go to 12 step meetings?)

I'm not telling you how to live your life, just trying to help. G.I. your helping me stay sober .

It mean alot that I'm helping you stay sober. It is such a great honor.
I'm going to do exactly that. I am going to make a gratitude list right now.

I used to go to 12 step meeting but I stopped recently because of my relapse. I feel as though I was be judged and the people dont want to be anywhere near me. :[

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

i used to go regularly, but now i dont. the last one i went to was for my 90 day keychain and before that for my 60. ha. i mean i went to rehab to get things under control not really to be 100% clean. im just mostly worried ill go back to shooting coke and then ill be fucked.

 

[BlueberryfishY]

I tapered myself down over about a 3month period. and for me when i stopped using on a daily basis was when i was not getting high. I am proud to say ive been using once a week not clean but better than a 150.00 a day heroin habit. I no those feelings u are having make u want to use and the urge is overwhelming just try to tell urself that its just ur addiction lying to u. god bless hope this helps !

awesome dude, wish i knew more people like you.

 

[jaggedpills]

Im in that situation right now. I want nothing more than to leave all substances behind me, but at the same time I feel like I won't survive without them. I ave always disconnected myself from society while on drugs. I have no real friends. I am only happy when Im high. It made me think that if you find happiness outside of drugs, you wont need them anymore. I dont know if this will be helpful for you or not, but there ya go

 

[GirlInterrupted]

I thank everyone who replied to my post. I read each and everyone of them and feel blessed that you guys take your time to give me, a stranger, advice. I wish you all stay strong.
I'm working on using every other day. Then less and less.

 

[cosmicranch]

I can relate to all of you! I have been and am so disgusted with myself and what my life as an addict has become yet if someone called me up right now with some good dope I'd probly hit em up. I'm a month late on my rent and have no job but on the upside I have money I'm saving to pay the rent (got it for Christmas) and haven't called anyone yet for dope! I want to get better so BAD! That's why I'm even on here right now cause I'm sober, bored and soooo fucking lonely. So I started looking for alternative treatments for addiction online and then I was getting worried about using again and OD'n(my boyfriend OD'd last week and lived) so I was searching for places I could get a naloxone kit and found this website. It is so good for me cause like "jaggedpils" I dissconnect myself also and get major social anxiety and now I feel safe to share and get things out that I feel need to be told. Good luck and Godspeed to everyone of you!
"I'm not alone, I'm just blue"