The Reason Behind a Heroin Addiction??

[junkie0]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum or even the right site for this.. All I know is I'm scared.

For the past 2 years I've been addicted to heroin. Due to recent events, the time has come for me to get sober and while it's scary for the regular reasons like withdrawal, I've come to the realization I'm scared for many, many more reasons. My whole life, I felt this emptiness inside me, like an itch I couldn't scratch. The best way I could describe it is the feeling of wanting to go home after a long day, except I would feel this even when I was at home, I'd feel it everywhere. I spent my whole life trying to figure out what would fill it, then how I would achieve that new-found theory, then when that didn't work, the cycle would start over. Whether it was a job, or relationship, or school, anything. Then I found it.. Heroin. Heroin filled it. It was like the missing ingredient I'd been looking for my entire life, and it was the one thing everyone had always told me never to do.

I'm not sure whether it was the drug itself or the whole lifestyle that filled this gap, it all happened too fast. It seemed as if I took my first rip, blinked then woke up neck-deep, 1 year into in this fast-paced, dangerous life. Heroin was that home I longed to go to after an exhausting day. Heroin was the person I'd cuddle up to at night. Heroin was the job I'd always dreamed of. But more than just filled the gap.. it gave me a purpose. My purpose was to make money and get more. My purpose was to scrape that baggie or collect all those cottons when I was sick. As sad as a purpose that is, at least it was something, the something that I'd never had before. It felt good to wake up in the morning and need to do something.

Blink again, 2 years later, here I am. The last day of having a home. The last day of having a purpose. I feel like I'm breaking up with a lover or saying goodbye to an old friend.. but nope. I'm getting clean off heroin. Now I'm sitting here wondering, was I ever even addicted to the drug itself at all, or the sense of purpose and everything it gave me? Who knows. What I do know, is I'm terrified to go back to feeling how I did before. Is this how everyone else feels too? Is this why heroin is such a life-long struggle for people? I can't be the only one who feels like this.

 

[Neurogenesis]

Both my friend, the reasoning behind why Opioids are so addictive is due to it's agonism (Increasing activity) of the mu-opioid receptive system, neuro-receptors in our brain that have two distinct purposes, one is a natural analgesic response when we experience pain (The experience of pain is known as Nociception) and of course it's role in our experience of pleasure, which both reasons are modulated mainly by our natural endorphins. Now strong acting opioids such as heroin, do an extremely exceptional job at increasing the activity of the opioid receptors, alterating our genetic encoding to create a reliance on these substances.

Sorry for the massive ramble, I thought it might give you a bit of understanding as to why you are experiencing what you are going through. Every addict is going through the same thing you are mate, so don't become overly tense about this happening to just you.

But the way I see it, you can play your life out however you want to, you have a definitive choice to make regarding your life. If you want to ask anything further feel free to, the whole purpose of BL.

 

[ElectraCute]

No you're not. I've spent the last week not embarking on my rattle, and I've done it before so I know it isn't the end of the world. But I'm shitting it. Not sure it is entirely rational.

For me, and I recognise it's just where I'm at at this point in my life, the reasons behind the addiction are of little interest, and I think that they can be a distraction, and become an excuse.

 

[herbavore]

I think you have hit upon something important. We all want to feel purposeful, to lead lives that feel useful and integrated with a larger community. It is ultimately how we create meaning. We have a heroin epidemic in the US which comes as no surprise to me. We have also an epidemic of superficiality, self-obsession, loneliness and isolation. Why the hell wouldn't we have a heroin epidemic? I'm an old person. I remember a simpler world. I wish I could dream it back for young people. Sure, it wasn't always pretty. Addiction existed--nothing new there. But I do feel that when a kid hits that crucial coming of age time in his or her life today, he or she sees a far bleaker world and the guideposts are all missing for navigating it.

My best advice is to take your inherent wisdom and nurture it (the wisdom already contained in your post). Make real connections. Find a way to be in nature. It is scary to take responsibility for your life but only when you believe that you can fail. You can't really fail if its all a process and you learn as much or more from the missteps as from the successes. The best way to support your own growth and sense of purpose is to involve yourself with others trying to do the same thing. We live in a time when all the social programs are being underfunded or cut altogether. Get involved in some grass roots work that you care about. Maybe Recovery services in your area. Maybe Bluelight!

You've made the right decision (to quit) and now you can take that first step and build on it. You will be assaulted along the way by everything physical that Neurogenisis detailed in the above post as well as by addiction's voice masquerading as your own in your head (the psychological). Be a warrior. Think of what you are doing the same way that you thought about your drug life. Instead of everything being focused on getting the drug you are turning it around and focusing everything on creating strategies that can replace the drug. Maybe you liked the risks involved, maybe the structure to your day--you will have to address those needs in new ways.

 

[juansalar]

Hello, thank you... I find this discussion very relevant and useful.
Ive been addicted to heroin for 10 years +
A light switched on when a drug worker suggested to me that addiction, particularly heroin addiction, is the ultimate 'time killer '.
Its a lonely pass time and one that breeds social isolation and compounds loneliness.
Social isolation doesn't matter at all when you're using... in fact it's an advantage; invisibility is something an addict seeks.
But when you quit using and are in recovery, the true meaning of social isolation really hits home.
I stopped using heroin (and all drugs including quitting subutex) at the start of this year. The initial discomfort and anxiety kept me occupied for a while, but when it came to living a 'normal life' - one that doesn't revolve around drugs - I was faced with a massive chasm in my social life and a lack of both personal relationships and pastimes not connected with drugs.
This was a feeling of emptiness that was more than just loneliness or isolation; and although boredom was definitely part of it, "being bored" comes nowhere near to accurately describing the feeling of inhabiting a shell of a life. I had managed to retain a couple of close friends, which was great and which prevented absolute social isolation. But engaging with their lives served to underline and highlight the comparative richness of their existence filled with interests, children, careers and a wide social circle. All these things I gave up to focus solely on addiction for over a decade.
It's all well and good to say "don't brood or dwell on mistakes you can't correct,... but instead focus on the present and the positive..." but it's impossible to avoid acknowledging life's stages and opportunities irretrievably lost.
I found it hard to accept my social isolation resulted from my choice and I had to deal with the consequences of this choice. After being nursed by heroin, I now had to stand on my own and take responsibility. Friends have their own lives to return to and get on with living after parting ways at pub closing time,... the exjunkie doesnt. Either you resign yourself to missing out on leading a full rich life or you try hard to forge one at a late stage, when all your contemporaries have well established lives they're leading.
I've never been someone who felt comfortable or satisfied being part of a group contrived to provide company and support (like AA or NA or a book club, yoga etc) and i have a tendency to enjoy my own company too much. Without the crutch provided by heroin and with all the free time previously taken up by my addiction, I was at a loss as how to fill the day. Towards the end, when my fight had gone, I actually yearned for bedtime and wished the day away. I felt completely out of options and run out of opportunities.
Being currently unemployed in a bad job market compounded my situation. The end result was relapsing: despite all the pain and suffering I went through, and despite all the solemn vows I made to never touch heroin, I started using again about 8 weeks ago. The speed at which addiction regained its grip is shocking: the first week my tolerance was low, but by the third week I went into withdrawal if I didn't use daily.
Obviously this is terribly depressing and soul destroying, but at least whilst I use my days are filled and the depression of being isolated and useless is kept at bay. But What a sad and pathetic waste of a life...
i need to try once again to quit, but this time make preparations for life being sober.

My apologies,... this post is completely self-centred and I have no guidance to give or an example of coping to illustrate.
But your description of being fearful and feeling empty really has struck a chord with me. What you describe is very profound and relevant: I have great empathy for your situation and you may find me sharing my experience useful in some way.


I haven't touched on the physical and biological aspects of acute post withdrawal,... since it can take months or even years for serotonin production to return to a pre-opiate state (if it ever does), it is obvious that emotional state and feelings will be affected. Feeling depressed as the result of hormonal imbalance will definitely influence thinking, decision making and thoughts to do with the future. It's nigh on impossible to will yourself to be optimistic when your body is lacking in endorphins or whatever makes one happy. I tried Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (ie Prozac) to combat lethargy and give me the energy to go out in the world; to an extent they did do this, but I went out and about feeling like a zombie. Prozac made me feel numb and destroyed my libido
I stopped taking the pills because it was a horrible blank feeling and I wasn't engaging with life. It's a personal thing, but for me Prozac has all the downsides of heroin and none of the upsides.
What worked for me, to get me through the initial sleepless few months, was 42 days worth of Zopiclone (a less addictive sleeping pill) and exercise. For me lack of sleep is initially the greatest risk for relapse in the first few months. If you can snatch even a few hours sleep you're able to get out and tire yourself out walking in the daylight. Sleep and light exercise outside is by far the best support for coping with initial withdrawal and early post acute withdrawal.


But, returning to the original point, sleep and light exercise is insufficient for filling the hole left by heroin. In the months before I relapsed I literally walked everywhere possible in a 9 mile+ radius and invented reasons to get out of the house and experience some human contact. The staff at Sainsbury's must think I'm mad: (it's sad to admit this...) I purposefully shopped for a couple of items at a time so I had reason and purpose to return again. I also purposefully travelled miles to purchase particular ingredients from specialist delis when a substitute bought from the corner shop could easily do,.. just to kill time.
After exhausting all the walks, exhibitions and pastimes I could think of (although no groups), I started to lose faith and I started to not try so hard at staying sober and rebuilding my life. Slowly at first, starting when a couple of pints at lunch, I began to go downhill. I started to feel self conscious about always being seen on my own, so I started to buy bottles of gin and restart drinking alone at home. When I felt embarrassed and hid my drinking, and I started to feel ashamed to always be ringing or texting my friends to seek company, counterintuitively I started to lock myself away and completely isolate myself.
I was ready by then to chuck it all in and relapse.
Through the fog of heroin I am still more cleared minded now than I was at that time: it's obvious in retrospect that I was deeply depressed and anxious. I should have reached out and sought help, and not retreated.
Maybe I will be better prepared next time. I'm new to this site; joining is a positive step, and perhaps good support and preparation for life beyond addiction.

 

[simco]

OP, your story could be my story. You've described very clearly how I felt before I found heroin, how I felt during my addiction, and the fear I felt when it came time to quit.

Personally, I believe that opioids (but especially heroin, due to the lifestyle issues you described) are especially powerful for people who struggle with depression. I don't know if you do. But for me, when heroin came along, it supplanted all the feelings of inadequacy, self-hate and disappointment that had trailed me my whole life (I didn't start using till I was about 40). Once I got my first hit, all my attention turned to hustling for dope, obsessing over the dope I did have, and of course, finding the next rush, the next nod. That was how it was until things turned sour. And then all the depression I had dodged over the years of my addiction, I had to give right back.

It took me about 2 years of trying before I got any serious traction on quitting. At this point I've got about 10 months clean. The main thing that always fucked up my recovery was exactly that feeling of having broken up an intense but dysfunctional relationship. Quitting dope was like leaving a rabid romance.

All I can tell you is that it is possible. Find good help--people you can talk to about how you *really* feel. This could be formal counselors, or it could be friends/family. But it needs to be an avenue for expressing the heartbreak you're feeling without having to censor yourself. And if it's hard to quit, if you stumble, that's OK. Just keep getting up and trying again. It will click eventually unless you stop trying.

I have to admit that I still feel pangs of missing heroin pretty much every day. (In this I seem to be sort of unusual...a lot of people seem to lose that feeling, from what I've been told.) But I'm learning to deal with those emotions, just like was--finally--able to deal with the cravings of early recovery. You will too. Just be strong, and know you deserve better than the lifestyle of a dope addict.

 

[ExInMil]

I would just like to chime in that that is very well put. That is a great way to phrase the feeling.

 

[somnilicious]

"Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?"-Renton(Trainspotting)

Really though.. Have a Lust for Life. Go skydiving, snorkel, wake up early to run, take a chance, fall in love, talk to strangers, laugh at yourself, pick up hobbies, volunteer at a retirement home, explore nature, buy unnecessary trinkets just because you can... but most importantly.. don't just feed into the soulless materialism and self centeredness. This is an empty pursuit. Find a purpose. Open up to the people around you. Notice their pain, their dreams. Ask not what the world can do for you but what you can do for the world.

Last time I was sober I was going through a rough patch in my recovery. I had just been rejected by a girl. I started to feel like my boss was being very critical of me. I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to impress people with my possessions and accomplishments. The empty self centeredness and materialism had consumed my positive outlook and true soul connection to others. I looked around me and I saw sadness in the eyes of my fellow employees and the all too recognizable soul crushing despair. Up until that point I had been competing with them. I was miserable. Something had to change.

I started slow... little compliments about their work, motivational techniques, high fives, probing into their lives to find out what really made them tick. I took a young busser, who wanted to be a server under my wing and started helping her learn how to expo and run food. People started to take notice. Suddenly I was greeted with smiles everywhere I went. People instinctively drew to me. I became a leader. By giving my love began to be returned ten fold and the truth is I really did care. I had purpose and a true connection. It is the greatest high I have ever had in my life..

It's really what the 12-step programs are all about and it's what they mean when they talk about spiritual arithmetic. Find that purpose... connect with others. Give without expectation... Just because you can. It is the mark of true strength.

Life is an echo-what you send out comes back.

Love Somni-

 

[herbavore]

While that empty feeling that you describe did not lead to a heroin addiction for me, it did lead to an very tenuous hold on life when I was young. Without trying to sound overly lofty, I think it is actually an existential crisis. All humans experience it but many are expert at avoiding it, covering it over with any number of culturally available and acceptable distractions like wealth acquisition, status, popularity/fame, endless acquisition and abandonment of stuff, fads etc and even the one legal and acceptable drug alcohol. I think the key is embracing it. I know that I will always have that lonely center. I learned not to run from it, not to even try to mitigate it in any way, neither distraction nor masking nor temporary obliteration; in other words to diffuse the power of it to create fear or even just discomfort in me.

Think about it this way: it's a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness, right? But isn't that actually true that our lives, except where we create meaning for ourselves, are ultimately as meaningless as any other life? Just a brief moment in time, less than a smear in geologic history. I think the more fascinating question is why this feels upsetting to us? In a way it is like the dog that is chasing us, snarling at our heels as we flee in terror. But when we turn and face it, it's wagging its tail. As long as we ran, it had something to chase, and our fear emitted a scent that gave the chase purpose. When we stop, it turns out there is no malice or menace, just a dog doing what dogs do.

I have heard so many people struggling with drug abuse describe what you have so eloquently described: that feeling of disconnection and emptiness. I feel that it lies at the root of addiction like an anchor. Whether people are conscious of it or can articulate it, it seems to be a driving force for so many. It also seems to me that those who can express it have a small but empowerment. I think exploring the feeling can be incredibly healing.

 

[somnilicious]

I love this thread... Good stuff

 

[herbavore]

Yeah, I agree. No idea whether the OP is still reading (are you, junkie0?) but I think a lot of people have a lot to say about this so I'm glad it got bumped.