Mental Health The Rant Thread Vs. Really? How Does That Make You Feel?

[kris66]

Guys, I'm feeling tired of my life rn and am getting intrusive suicidal thoughts. I feel burnt out in so many ways and I think it might be time to put down the drooogz.

I've been dealing with some stuff in my personal life. My mom (pretty much the only member of my family I'm not estranged from and my best friend) is suffering from aphasia, which is honestly breaking my heart every day.

Perhaps the best gift I can give her is to be totally clear and present again (which i've never managed since age 12... unless I was in rehab or a psych institution).

I also had pretty much my one main friend here in my little town spiral out with substances and he became a paranoid and anxious mess...he's back at a group home now.

All this to say that I feel acutely like the biggest loser on the planet. My negative self talk is so bad and when I open my mouth I hear myself sounding jaded and tired. I feel ancient even though I'm in my mid 30s. I have very little to show for my life.

I'm a useless fucking worm.

You are definitely not a useless worm.

I sometimes feel like the biggest loser also, I think life does that to us. Tells us we aren’t what it is looking for . . . rich, athletic, gorgeous. But in the end that’s not even what matters. Being a decent human being who cares about others is more important.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, maybe list the things about yourself you like when you are feeling down. I assure you they are there!

Sometimes it helps me to think of times in my life when I was pleasantly surprised by something.

As far as the drugs that has to be your decision.

 

[Blowmonkey]

got prepare for the winter as to woods.chopped two days...good job.Satan came and gone as usual....the venom leak out of me slowly....till the next time..may be someone would understand....hey my counterpart...my brother.I embrace u hard...Hold on my unknown brother

I do understand you my unknown brother from another mother, just know that I embrace you back, hold on as well man, take care of yourself wherever you are now.

My mom (pretty much the only member of my family I'm not estranged from and my best friend) is suffering from aphasia, which is honestly breaking my heart every day.

Sorry to hear that man, hope for you guys she'll be able to recover most of her communication skills over the coming while, celebrate even the small improvements. I know music therapy can help in a lot of cases, try extremely familiar songs, think happy birthday and stuff. And you being there for her, whether you're sober or not, it means you're not useless or a loser at all. You care about your mom, even wanting to get clean for her, you're thinking about your friend going through rough times, those are good traits man, you're a good dude.

 

[Mushoku_Sensei]

OK here goes:

I just can't get my emotions under control... It's why I started the whole drug business and it's just getting worse.
Every time I try to stop, every time I come down, even when I'm messed up, I can't stay calm. The few times I manage are like stars in a dark night, when the clouds are covering almost the entire sky
Since I can't stay sober for now, I figured switching to Kratom might be a way to at least deal with the cravings and allow me to reduce slowly - as it's the only opioid that makes me want to take less every time I have to get the stuff down ... But I still didn't manage to find a dose or schedule that would at least keep me stable. I always feel the come down, even though I don't get much of a high out of it, and it comes with irritability, cravings, and something like existential pain. Can't really describe it, but the constant up and down is straining...
I'm making stupid mistakes even though I was believing that I'm concentrating and doing it well - the results tell otherwise. It's biting my self-trust, so to say, gnawing on me... I'm so busy just taking care of myself that it's affecting my whole family. I'm not in control of anything, just trying to at least catch up the most important stuff I have to deal with...
I just want to be stable, not blast at the tiniest spark of trouble or provocation.
And there are those moments of fear? Despair? When everything feels painfully wrong, as if there was a tear in the very fabric of my existence...
I never considered myself anxious, but those moments are scary.
I can't let this get any worse anymore. And that means I also have to avoid those chemical rollercoasters.
Any ideas? How to make Kratom last longer and keep a steady level?
Is taking only 5 mg Diazepam every other day an issue or not? If I took it regularly it might stabilize me a bit, but I don't need another addiction...

 

[paranoid android]

Fuck snow ive been waiting since friday to get my weed in the mail. Now we are getting more tonight ffs

 

[paranoid android]

Fuck the mail again looks like my weed wont be here tomorrow

 

[CalicoCatLover]

i find looking for reasons to hate me sad.

 

[Sp4rky]

Been sober except for caffeine since last Thursday and FUCK this family trip man.

Been barely able to sleep, just 1000 autistic sensory issues and my thoughts are driving me insane. Unfortunate situation of withdrawal from daily stim use making me feel exhausted and like nothing is interesting anymore, while my ADHD symptoms are intensified so badly that my grandparents and mom suggested me going back on ADHD meds.

Like BITCH what the actual fuck do you all think I have been trying to achieve for YEARS now??? Fucking mental health services and their waiting lists man, my mom specifically forced me to go off of those meds, putting me on anti depressants instead which wow, that went REAL well .—. (Those made me feel so flat I went manic and stopped taking them in secret lol)

Gotta love how when you’re an unstable 14 year old they’ll happily give you every medication under the sun, but as soon as they throw you out of the mental health system for minors without plan, you’re only deemed ‘in need of treatment’ when it active crisis, but also not TOO much in active crisis, especially not if that includes badly self-medicating with drugs, because then you’re a dirty drug seeker and can go fuck yourself

Anyways, tomorrow I’m flying home by myself cuz I have uni. Might get drunk at the airport bar and taste test all the cigarettes that are banned back home or sum idk. Gotta make this fun somehow .—.

I hate being sober with this stupid brain of mine goddamn.

 

[CalicoCatLover]

lol thats sort of aggressive edit post

 

[CalicoCatLover]

1. You were never my fucking friend
2. I never even liked you, that's how you used chris to fool me
3. If I'm ugly don't pretend to be my boyfriend, you are a piece of shit
4. I'm an animal, I feel pain

I fail to see what any of you NAZIS have to be PROUD of

 

[Asclepius]

Get away from manipulation/ors... always put yourself first

 

[Dr. John Thackery]

why the fuck when your actual real problems resolve and you are on top of the world do you invent a new problem that would normally not even matter when you’re down at rock bottom but now that everything’s good you latch onto this new small “problem” to make yourself miserable still?

fuck man i really hate this shit. makes me feel that even if my legitimate problems stay resolved that this life will always be a drag.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Should have known better after coming out of a forced break from live. Lasting 5 + months orso. Do know that i am tougher then i d give me. After all does feel like i could have left this place 2 times by circumstances 1 time by my own doing. It didnt happen for the best again a contemporary state that accompanied the moment.

But after picking up were i left with some essentials in live like parenting. Thats were my mind went off. Thought i had my internal shit covered so to say to keep the bad wolf in. Talked with my ex few times and kept my cool even when she tried to derail me in dragging out the past so she could blame the whole shit on me. A reoccurring theme after my kids were born.

Lasted no more then 10 minutes that she tried to get me to start a offensive to. A yeah but no blaming discussion. That as i remember can take up 2 hours at least in which she would go armageddon in black and white [borderline/ dissociative personality, conduct disorder ? wtf did i do wonder. And which fool invented marriage, and shouldnt it end after divorcing] . One having done everything wrong the other having no part of it. So the wicked situation of were two fight only one has a response-ability.

Bailed out asap, with the weird thought WTF she acts like we are still married. Still no eye for whats best for all but me, me, me versus you. Assume its clear that i should be the dog that puts its tail between its legs and surrenders to the dominant dog. Not happening dog fights. Escaped like a Cat would when offered the opportunity and fled. Instead of fighting each other to death. What Cats do when there driven in a position you cant run.

Wishful thinking on my behalve, licking my mental scars as i speak of happened 3 days ago and still bleeds. Metaphorically from any pore i have. Straightening up now a bit and trying to figure out some better tactic. But stuck in the situation that my kids still live there and not gonna come from there side. Dont blame them btw there Mom not hat motivating i thing regarding it so it has to come from me.

Ooh my my Aaaahggghhhghh !!!!!!!!!!!!!