(written once finished): If you start this, please, then read until the end; this is worth nothing unless you read till the end.
It starts of as philosophical thing, but by the end I think it is much more than that and I am happy with what came out towards the end.
If you read like half of this piece then I'm sorry because all you will have got from it is the darkness (which there is a lot of here), there is one kernel of light in this which would be nothing without all the darkness that is there; the one bit of light is what makes me post this publically.
I wish I could make it purely positive and just get to the point, but it came out spontaneously and I feel it is best left that way; I am not going to try and structure it so it's only good, it can only come as it is.
Don't try to understand it first time (though you might), just read it word for word, sentence by sentence and go where it goes.
Everything that wants to stop me from writing this
I don’t want to believe my own bullshit, I don’t want to become a preachy mutherfucker telling people I know what’s up, I don’t
I don’t see how I can really understand anything when all my point of view is is simply a product of my enviromental factors. When individual human thought is nothing more than subjective truth, when we can’t reach any sort of objective truth; whatever we claim.
I’m not going to try to write objectively this isn’t objective this is subjective, this is me, this is my thoughts; to claim otherwise would be fucking shit bull
As long as our own thoughts are just a tiny piece of the pie, as long as we don’t understand everything then there are always a million things that you don’t know; there are always a million things that can prove your wrong; there are always more than that things that can prove you are up your own ass;
To think that we know anything appears to be arrogance
I can’t claim to be searching for truth, to know any more than the normal person on the streets; I would like to think I do, but anyone who knows how to live, who simply lives, knows more than me; I don’t know how to live, I hardly even know how to talk anymore
Thinking about things was always an instinct; not really a choice, just an instinct; and I always believed that it gave me understanding about things, remembering the day when this illusion was fucking shattered everything came to a tumble; I stopped thinking, I stopped even hoping for understanding; gave it up as a pointless and endless quest.
I gave up logical thinking, rational thought – what is the point, it’s never fucking rational, only mathematics is rational and that’s because you’ve got rules, that’s because it’s unemotional, it’s not attached to you; any philosophical thinking is always shaped by your experience; by your vested interest in taking point of views
Everything always has vested interest; what the fuck, it’s always to make yourself look smarter, the other person look worse, to do a little better – you can’t defeat that you best of just accept it, why not accept it?
I so badly want clarity, I so badly want some knowledge of something; but my desires are so strong that is what scares me; that is what will make me take for truth an infinite number of retarded deductions and inferences, I want to believe, I always want to believe
Zen is one answer that is good. You just let things go as they come; you are not searching for freedom, you simply accept what you have; you realise the circular nature of trying to think about your own thoughts.
Let’s have a look at that circular nature with an example. I read ‘the outsider’ and liked it very much, but it did not startingly seem to enhance my understanding of anything it only made me want to live as cleanly as Mersault.
Look at me fucking keeping on this mask of sadness; I am lonely and want company that is the underlying issue here; I am loveless I have never had a partner, I have lost all my friends and now I am making a show of things because I want support but I am talking to a blank audience
I want understand, not simply to be performing but I fear that all efforts at understanding are really efforts at performing better.
Why do I seek knowledge? Because that is one of my niche’s, because that will bring me some sort of power with women and in social groups, that is why I seek it.
It’s so fucking INPURE so fucking CYNICAL what the fuck can I do? There is no winning
Give up, accept the confusion that swirls around your head and around the world and start to laugh, that is the only hope you have.
If all we have is the present moment then thinking can never improve your present moment, that is a spiritual thing, improve your spirit and you will improve the present. You think some thoughts, they might get you somewhere for a bit of time and then you will lose them and they will lose their emphasis and you will no longer properly understand them.
What is proper understanding? It’s an emotional thing, its like you see the importance of your thought. So if understanding is to do with emotion doesn’t that mean understanding is not intellectual.
Can we make it intellectual?
I feel like thinking by any person is not really thinking by some machine that is looking for truth, it is a tiny cog in the machine simply fulfilling its own direction which gives one aspect of things; you can only ever get one aspect of things; we will never have the full circle.
Because truth is a circle people, an infinite circle and you can only ever hope for a few tiny tiny angles of the circle, and when you only have those tiny angles do they hope for anything?
If you are going to think to enhance your understanding then realise what your mission is; it is to work and sweat to make a few tiny percentage of a degrees difference to what we know. If you are a genius then you might really make some difference.
But if you are like me; someone who’s instinct is thinking but who is not actually that good a thjnker then whether you can achieve anything is different.
‘Faith’ is supposedly a neccessity but do you take faith JUST because it is a neccessity. For me doubt is realism. Total almost utter fucking doubt of everything seems like the way to go.
That is also a part that comes from my experience. I used to be a believer, first I was a believer in god, then I was a believer in football, then in drugs and dance music, finally drugs showed me what fucking bullshit believers are and some ‘friends’ told me it was bullshit and I believed them, and I still believe them somewhat and now I feel that the people who don’t think so much, that accept that you can’t think through your way to happiness they are the really understanding ones, the rest of us don’t understand. The amount we think shows our continued unrealism, our continued desire to find something to latch on to, to believe.
We only fufill roles. Like in my school in Italy I filled the role of being the joker, of not caring what people thought about me, of going against the teachers rules; I was also slightly philsophical, but I emphasised the other things.
In Scotland with a lower quality of intellectual my role became more philosophical and intellectual before as I saw a new niche that I could fill and I want for that, though I stayed a joker a self-deprecator, that was my humour.
Then I saw that my own self-depreciation was pitiful, it was an admission of low status, saying don’t attack me I accept I am crap and will attack myself.
I saw that whenever I give anyone anything, that whenever I am nice to people; it is simply for them to like me and this shocked me.
Beneath all this scepticism lies a rampant believing idealist and that is what scares me so much.
As you get less and less friends, and less and less status and importance in the world you become more and more desperate for your splash to be big so that you will win back everything that you lost. If you’re situation is good then the need for your splash to be big is much smaller, you are less concerned with really having effect.
But don’t get me wrong, life is pretty sweet in many ways, I’m thankful to be alive and to get what I do; I will not throw it in the bin or at least I’ll try not to.
I’ll go on the path I go down and try and be grateful for it; I don’t want to go insane or lose my grip on reality I’m really scared these days of becoming one of the old lonely people with no friends and who starts ranting to anyone who will listen; I am already going down that path.
I never thought it would happen to me but then I never even thought about it at all.
I was such a believer, that I never even saw I never even thought about my own place in everything, not in the slightest that when I did, it all came and I continued to look hard at what was happening at my place. And I realised slightly or at least I thought I realised that maybe I had always been much less cool than I thought I was, before I had never worried about it; afterwards I saw and it saddened me.
Since that time with every group, even my own family I always feel like the outsider; I can make myself feel this way I admit but that is how I feel; like the outsider, the one who is different and can’t join in. I yearn to share this feeling with someone, I did once and it was good, it is still hard that way; you are still in the minority, but I know there are people like me; and unless we alienate each other I would love to be together.
The need to identify always moves you, you will think different thoughts from what is true; blind yourself to what is right; just to identify. See ‘the nazis’, see ‘rave music’, see ‘punk music’, see ‘any group movement ever’.
Because loneliness is fucking hard, because lonineless brings you no closer to any women or men, because loneliness always takes you further from happiness.
Your thinking is allowed to get more erratic, less boundaried but that doesn’t mean that it gets any truer, whatsoever, you are still fulfilling your part in things, you are never an independent thinker who is totally logically searching for what is true.
FUCK!
I cannot even begin to conceive of how small and insignificant I am, and I think that is how it always is with humans.
I thought that if you are searching for motivations then there are a few common ones:
- do the best for yourself by getting as much money as possible
- do the best for yourself by being as happy as you can
- do the best for the world by trying to do something big
- do the best for the world by just doing what you can in your part
- and the way of zen of no thought
The last way gets rid of some cynicism, it is meant to make actions authentic by simply doing whatever comes to you at the time; it accepts the incompleteness of all thought, of all actions, it accepts that everything is just a tiny piece and it says ‘just act with that tiny piece, just make that tiny movement and move on’.
This is good, but I wonder if there is still a place for trying to build up thoughts, has any room been left for trying to build up ‘palaces in the sky’, for trying to see things logically?
If we give up on thought, then this is meant to be liberation, you just do whatever you are doing because that is what you are doing – can you really ever do anything else? Anything else is illusion it says, and that is acceptance of how little you can understand your own actions in context.
You somewhat give up the quest for understanding, is that right? Is it right to do this? Let life become aimlessly present.
Can thought really ever have any direction what is the direction of thought?
I was thinking just yesterday about if I had one last conversation with someone before I died what would I try to say to them?
The thought that I will leave nothing really behind is almost terrifying, but the realisation that once death has arrived no thought could ever be terrifying is somewhat liberating.
I think I would say: try to make the world better, not the whole world, just try to make your part of the world better; the people around you happier; try to add a few flowers to the lives of the people who you know; and try and use your resources to improve things
Don’t aim for anything too big, just try and fill your part and do good, don’t do bad
And at my most cynical I think that all ambition, all belief that you can will your actions with your thoughts in any way is an illusion. You need to act, it’s all action, act well.
Act that way I said because if I can’t even believe in that that’s too much for me, that’s really too much; if I can’t even believe in helping people, in trying to make your part of the world a little better then I don’t know what to do; it’s impossible
You know how you make people feel better, make them believe in humanity; make the believe in people, make them believe in trust; in faith in goodness.
You can’t make them but help them
And that’s one thing, I’ve got a value out of this
I’ve got tiny tears in my eyes and I can’t get them out, I almost wish I was ‘a weeper’ someone who just experiences the emotion, but I’m repressed and can’t let out my feelings, it’s in there like a clog
And I remember what Leonard Cohen said about “the sisters of mercy came to me and I hope you run into them soon you whove been travelling so long” and I say I hope I run into them soon to
And I also remember what Bob Dylan said about “I need someway out of here, I can’t get no release, there’s too much confusion”
I’m exhausted now and I’ve run out of things to say just now, I’ve got to go off and be depressed and smoke a cigarrete I hope tommorow is a little sunnier and one day I find the love and happiness that I need.
People that just accept their place are the best, people that spread humour and love are the people I love, I just want some fucking friends again
And also remember, this is so important; there are some people out there who have nothing, the real people who hurt are not the people with no money they are the people who have lost their soul; they can’t give you humour they can’t give you love because they are lost
They are the people we must love the most they need it the most and a terrible thing about humans is that we want each other for what the other has to give you; if you can show someone that it doesn’t have to be like that; that you can give, even though they don’t have anything; then that is a great gift
Look through all the cynism and skepticism that I started with I seem to be coming out with one true value; that alone makes the pain worth it; that alone gives me a little bit of new faith as long as I can act on it
One day I hope to be able to laugh long and hard because of realising how little I understand, but that day seems far away
It starts of as philosophical thing, but by the end I think it is much more than that and I am happy with what came out towards the end.
If you read like half of this piece then I'm sorry because all you will have got from it is the darkness (which there is a lot of here), there is one kernel of light in this which would be nothing without all the darkness that is there; the one bit of light is what makes me post this publically.
I wish I could make it purely positive and just get to the point, but it came out spontaneously and I feel it is best left that way; I am not going to try and structure it so it's only good, it can only come as it is.
Don't try to understand it first time (though you might), just read it word for word, sentence by sentence and go where it goes.
Everything that wants to stop me from writing this
I don’t want to believe my own bullshit, I don’t want to become a preachy mutherfucker telling people I know what’s up, I don’t
I don’t see how I can really understand anything when all my point of view is is simply a product of my enviromental factors. When individual human thought is nothing more than subjective truth, when we can’t reach any sort of objective truth; whatever we claim.
I’m not going to try to write objectively this isn’t objective this is subjective, this is me, this is my thoughts; to claim otherwise would be fucking shit bull
As long as our own thoughts are just a tiny piece of the pie, as long as we don’t understand everything then there are always a million things that you don’t know; there are always a million things that can prove your wrong; there are always more than that things that can prove you are up your own ass;
To think that we know anything appears to be arrogance
I can’t claim to be searching for truth, to know any more than the normal person on the streets; I would like to think I do, but anyone who knows how to live, who simply lives, knows more than me; I don’t know how to live, I hardly even know how to talk anymore
Thinking about things was always an instinct; not really a choice, just an instinct; and I always believed that it gave me understanding about things, remembering the day when this illusion was fucking shattered everything came to a tumble; I stopped thinking, I stopped even hoping for understanding; gave it up as a pointless and endless quest.
I gave up logical thinking, rational thought – what is the point, it’s never fucking rational, only mathematics is rational and that’s because you’ve got rules, that’s because it’s unemotional, it’s not attached to you; any philosophical thinking is always shaped by your experience; by your vested interest in taking point of views
Everything always has vested interest; what the fuck, it’s always to make yourself look smarter, the other person look worse, to do a little better – you can’t defeat that you best of just accept it, why not accept it?
I so badly want clarity, I so badly want some knowledge of something; but my desires are so strong that is what scares me; that is what will make me take for truth an infinite number of retarded deductions and inferences, I want to believe, I always want to believe
Zen is one answer that is good. You just let things go as they come; you are not searching for freedom, you simply accept what you have; you realise the circular nature of trying to think about your own thoughts.
Let’s have a look at that circular nature with an example. I read ‘the outsider’ and liked it very much, but it did not startingly seem to enhance my understanding of anything it only made me want to live as cleanly as Mersault.
Look at me fucking keeping on this mask of sadness; I am lonely and want company that is the underlying issue here; I am loveless I have never had a partner, I have lost all my friends and now I am making a show of things because I want support but I am talking to a blank audience
I want understand, not simply to be performing but I fear that all efforts at understanding are really efforts at performing better.
Why do I seek knowledge? Because that is one of my niche’s, because that will bring me some sort of power with women and in social groups, that is why I seek it.
It’s so fucking INPURE so fucking CYNICAL what the fuck can I do? There is no winning
Give up, accept the confusion that swirls around your head and around the world and start to laugh, that is the only hope you have.
If all we have is the present moment then thinking can never improve your present moment, that is a spiritual thing, improve your spirit and you will improve the present. You think some thoughts, they might get you somewhere for a bit of time and then you will lose them and they will lose their emphasis and you will no longer properly understand them.
What is proper understanding? It’s an emotional thing, its like you see the importance of your thought. So if understanding is to do with emotion doesn’t that mean understanding is not intellectual.
Can we make it intellectual?
I feel like thinking by any person is not really thinking by some machine that is looking for truth, it is a tiny cog in the machine simply fulfilling its own direction which gives one aspect of things; you can only ever get one aspect of things; we will never have the full circle.
Because truth is a circle people, an infinite circle and you can only ever hope for a few tiny tiny angles of the circle, and when you only have those tiny angles do they hope for anything?
If you are going to think to enhance your understanding then realise what your mission is; it is to work and sweat to make a few tiny percentage of a degrees difference to what we know. If you are a genius then you might really make some difference.
But if you are like me; someone who’s instinct is thinking but who is not actually that good a thjnker then whether you can achieve anything is different.
‘Faith’ is supposedly a neccessity but do you take faith JUST because it is a neccessity. For me doubt is realism. Total almost utter fucking doubt of everything seems like the way to go.
That is also a part that comes from my experience. I used to be a believer, first I was a believer in god, then I was a believer in football, then in drugs and dance music, finally drugs showed me what fucking bullshit believers are and some ‘friends’ told me it was bullshit and I believed them, and I still believe them somewhat and now I feel that the people who don’t think so much, that accept that you can’t think through your way to happiness they are the really understanding ones, the rest of us don’t understand. The amount we think shows our continued unrealism, our continued desire to find something to latch on to, to believe.
We only fufill roles. Like in my school in Italy I filled the role of being the joker, of not caring what people thought about me, of going against the teachers rules; I was also slightly philsophical, but I emphasised the other things.
In Scotland with a lower quality of intellectual my role became more philosophical and intellectual before as I saw a new niche that I could fill and I want for that, though I stayed a joker a self-deprecator, that was my humour.
Then I saw that my own self-depreciation was pitiful, it was an admission of low status, saying don’t attack me I accept I am crap and will attack myself.
I saw that whenever I give anyone anything, that whenever I am nice to people; it is simply for them to like me and this shocked me.
Beneath all this scepticism lies a rampant believing idealist and that is what scares me so much.
As you get less and less friends, and less and less status and importance in the world you become more and more desperate for your splash to be big so that you will win back everything that you lost. If you’re situation is good then the need for your splash to be big is much smaller, you are less concerned with really having effect.
But don’t get me wrong, life is pretty sweet in many ways, I’m thankful to be alive and to get what I do; I will not throw it in the bin or at least I’ll try not to.
I’ll go on the path I go down and try and be grateful for it; I don’t want to go insane or lose my grip on reality I’m really scared these days of becoming one of the old lonely people with no friends and who starts ranting to anyone who will listen; I am already going down that path.
I never thought it would happen to me but then I never even thought about it at all.
I was such a believer, that I never even saw I never even thought about my own place in everything, not in the slightest that when I did, it all came and I continued to look hard at what was happening at my place. And I realised slightly or at least I thought I realised that maybe I had always been much less cool than I thought I was, before I had never worried about it; afterwards I saw and it saddened me.
Since that time with every group, even my own family I always feel like the outsider; I can make myself feel this way I admit but that is how I feel; like the outsider, the one who is different and can’t join in. I yearn to share this feeling with someone, I did once and it was good, it is still hard that way; you are still in the minority, but I know there are people like me; and unless we alienate each other I would love to be together.
The need to identify always moves you, you will think different thoughts from what is true; blind yourself to what is right; just to identify. See ‘the nazis’, see ‘rave music’, see ‘punk music’, see ‘any group movement ever’.
Because loneliness is fucking hard, because lonineless brings you no closer to any women or men, because loneliness always takes you further from happiness.
Your thinking is allowed to get more erratic, less boundaried but that doesn’t mean that it gets any truer, whatsoever, you are still fulfilling your part in things, you are never an independent thinker who is totally logically searching for what is true.
FUCK!
I cannot even begin to conceive of how small and insignificant I am, and I think that is how it always is with humans.
I thought that if you are searching for motivations then there are a few common ones:
- do the best for yourself by getting as much money as possible
- do the best for yourself by being as happy as you can
- do the best for the world by trying to do something big
- do the best for the world by just doing what you can in your part
- and the way of zen of no thought
The last way gets rid of some cynicism, it is meant to make actions authentic by simply doing whatever comes to you at the time; it accepts the incompleteness of all thought, of all actions, it accepts that everything is just a tiny piece and it says ‘just act with that tiny piece, just make that tiny movement and move on’.
This is good, but I wonder if there is still a place for trying to build up thoughts, has any room been left for trying to build up ‘palaces in the sky’, for trying to see things logically?
If we give up on thought, then this is meant to be liberation, you just do whatever you are doing because that is what you are doing – can you really ever do anything else? Anything else is illusion it says, and that is acceptance of how little you can understand your own actions in context.
You somewhat give up the quest for understanding, is that right? Is it right to do this? Let life become aimlessly present.
Can thought really ever have any direction what is the direction of thought?
I was thinking just yesterday about if I had one last conversation with someone before I died what would I try to say to them?
The thought that I will leave nothing really behind is almost terrifying, but the realisation that once death has arrived no thought could ever be terrifying is somewhat liberating.
I think I would say: try to make the world better, not the whole world, just try to make your part of the world better; the people around you happier; try to add a few flowers to the lives of the people who you know; and try and use your resources to improve things
Don’t aim for anything too big, just try and fill your part and do good, don’t do bad
And at my most cynical I think that all ambition, all belief that you can will your actions with your thoughts in any way is an illusion. You need to act, it’s all action, act well.
Act that way I said because if I can’t even believe in that that’s too much for me, that’s really too much; if I can’t even believe in helping people, in trying to make your part of the world a little better then I don’t know what to do; it’s impossible
You know how you make people feel better, make them believe in humanity; make the believe in people, make them believe in trust; in faith in goodness.
You can’t make them but help them
And that’s one thing, I’ve got a value out of this
I’ve got tiny tears in my eyes and I can’t get them out, I almost wish I was ‘a weeper’ someone who just experiences the emotion, but I’m repressed and can’t let out my feelings, it’s in there like a clog
And I remember what Leonard Cohen said about “the sisters of mercy came to me and I hope you run into them soon you whove been travelling so long” and I say I hope I run into them soon to
And I also remember what Bob Dylan said about “I need someway out of here, I can’t get no release, there’s too much confusion”
I’m exhausted now and I’ve run out of things to say just now, I’ve got to go off and be depressed and smoke a cigarrete I hope tommorow is a little sunnier and one day I find the love and happiness that I need.
People that just accept their place are the best, people that spread humour and love are the people I love, I just want some fucking friends again
And also remember, this is so important; there are some people out there who have nothing, the real people who hurt are not the people with no money they are the people who have lost their soul; they can’t give you humour they can’t give you love because they are lost
They are the people we must love the most they need it the most and a terrible thing about humans is that we want each other for what the other has to give you; if you can show someone that it doesn’t have to be like that; that you can give, even though they don’t have anything; then that is a great gift
Look through all the cynism and skepticism that I started with I seem to be coming out with one true value; that alone makes the pain worth it; that alone gives me a little bit of new faith as long as I can act on it
One day I hope to be able to laugh long and hard because of realising how little I understand, but that day seems far away
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but those that have have got involved in relatively worthwhile causes and given them a sense of faith. i was very swayed by nihilistic fashion when a teenager and I now see it as being harmful to my relations with the world and Im slowely trying to break from that-there might be truth in it but its hasnt really given me anything.