Recovery The Professr's Recovery Diary

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

Hello good people,

My intentions here are to offer my insights as I keep trying to get clean. To be honest I have been failing horribly at this for years now. But the only choice I can see that makes sense is getting clean.

I have no problem using something like psychedelics for example if I need them beyond seeking pleasure from intoxication. In that sense they earn the title of tools in these eyes whereas other drugs fall short of that title, in these eyes.

I am not here to peddle biased opinions fear not. But we're all biased as earthlings so I mean take it easy and be friendly.

The name. DMT user? Nope. However I see the merits of something like DMT when used with respect. I suppose ultimately I am not happy in a dimension bound by space and time. The word hyperdimensional appeals to me spiritually you could say whether one uses DMT or not to achieve a hyperdimensional state. Which as far as I know doesn't last long on DMT. Not knocking the power of DMT at all here just stating the obvious.

Anyways this isn't my spiritual journey log but I guess it has to be as spirituality is a big part of recovery and I don't see myself recovering without that but no details are needed right now beyond the day to day improvements I should be striving to make all around.

I will be striving to be humble and honest. Two things I really need to work on. Anyways I will be in here perhaps weekly or monthly Idk right now. I do want to focus more on others so I won't be talking about myself very much in here I don't think. I will be sharing things I guess though like this song,



Tuning into some rad psy on Soundcloud. You better know I have two more tabs open asking me to share but one at a time.

I feel ravaged from my poor choices last week. Grateful I can do better this week. I guess progress can't be wished for or forced or assumed to be guaranteed. Will let you know how I am doing next week.

Oh I'm a garbagehead addict you could say. If we need to label. I don't think the details matter as I view addiction as a symptom and it doesn't matter what one is addicted to as the underlying cause should be addressed to cure it. Or at least subdue it so one can live fully if they don't think they can ever overcome it.

Edit: Watch me praise opiates as being wonderous tools if I break a bone and ask for them in the hospital.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

We are in similar boats, my friend. I have relapsed & relapsed & relapsed again for 6 years. I was doing pretty well in June, but then last month I relapsed. It started with a lapse, but it wasn't one of the ones I limited to one or two nights - it spiralled out of control and took all of July with it. I'm now on day 4 only on bupe and starting to feel a little human again as of today. What was your DOC?? How long have you been sober?? Any maintenance meds?? Good luck, buddy!

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

We are in similar boats, my friend. I have relapsed & relapsed & relapsed again for 6 years. I was doing pretty well in June, but then last month I relapsed. It started with a lapse, but it wasn't one of the ones I limited to one or two nights - it spiralled out of control and took all of July with it. I'm now on day 4 only on bupe and starting to feel a little human again as of today. What was your DOC?? How long have you been sober?? Any maintenance meds?? Good luck, buddy!

Hey Rio thanks for the reply.

No meds. Thank goodness for that I suppose. No I have no issues causing my substance abuse dis-order, and what a supreme lack of order in life it is let me say, but the abuse sure does CAUSE issues which I can patch up very quickly in terms of psychological damage however the life destruction this has caused will take longer to mend but right now I have no issues with the law which I am grateful for, considering I endured a drug court "successfully" for around 3 years but ended up in savage use once I graduated (thanks metabolism for that). Halfway houses and all. The whole shebang amigo. Anyways the past is dead and gone and I have no record but I digress. Arrest charges and DWAI's yes. No misdemeanors which can really tarnish a professional life even before getting into felonies.

DOC was virtually ethanol due to how backwards drug laws are making beneficial compounds the hardest to get often times it would seem in terms of local sourcing and also lately kratom lol never would have guessed that which I thought was helping me stay off booze but basically I was taking it for a buzz and it changed my thoughts to actually want to drink! Never mix them but I was in low amounts this past week or so. And I used propylhexedrine to counter the depression of the booze which I actually am not fond of. Like the first half hour gets me excited before the lethargy of just boozing kicks in. And what a useless idiot I become under the influence. Also is great for health, not. I was also saying DXM was a fix to keep me away from booze but that takes a heavy toll on its own for me these days even in moderation.

I was using cannabis too since it was available but to me that's not a drug. Kratom isn't a drug to me. They are medicinal plants that have their use when that use is beneficial and simply not abusive.

I have a long road ahead of me and will be in touch here regularly. I wasn't logging anything but this has spun too far out of control recently. I did have 4 months clean recently too. I have gone years clean so I know it can be done again with the right changes.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Kratom and cannabis are both drugs, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Aspirin is a drug, DXM is a drug, propanolol is a drug, alcohol is a drug - loading the word "drug" with negative connotations and then having to insist that the drugs we enjoy taking or which aren't destructive aren't drugs is, IMO, a silly solution when the obvious one is to just reject the loaded assumptions that have been placed into the word "drug" and to just use it in the scientific & medical definition of the word. Still though, it sounds like you have some solid idea of what you want to stop and what you can use non-problematically, and that's really encouraging for moving forward. Is it mainly alcohol that you are finding problematic recently then??

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

I suppose I need to clear up my view of the term drug now don't I?

I also have a bias towards "entheogens" which I feel are "drugs" of a different order but then I might need to check this view as well.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

Kratom and cannabis are both drugs, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Aspirin is a drug, DXM is a drug, propanolol is a drug, alcohol is a drug - loading the word "drug" with negative connotations and then having to insist that the drugs we enjoy taking or which aren't destructive aren't drugs is, IMO, a silly solution when the obvious one is to just reject the loaded assumptions that have been placed into the word "drug" and to just use it in the scientific & medical definition of the word. Still though, it sounds like you have some solid idea of what you want to stop and what you can use non-problematically, and that's really encouraging for moving forward. Is it mainly alcohol that you are finding problematic recently then??

No everything is problematic that I have been using recently actually.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

I see it is my bias of drugs that I don't perceive to "expand" the mind/consciousness like heroin and cocaine for instance, and no they don't at all in my opinion you are kidding yourself if you try to argue otherwise, no offense if you are, that causes me to view all natural things like certain plants that change consciousness as not being drugs when in fact the fact they aren't consumed for nutrition but rather to affect the structure in ways food does not technically does make them drugs. Drugs of the plant kingdom. Very much drugs it turns out.

I stand corrected and humbled.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

Heroin is made from poppies isn't it now. So is cocaine, I mean from coca leaves. Like wtf is it with humans and drugs?

Do we really need to demonize certain ones? Praise others?

Drugs are bad mmmkay? Ya I mean if you are a Buddhist you might abstain from all intoxicants. I actually am Buddhist but I'm so bad I drink and take kratom while trying to meditate daily. Like that meditation is going nowhere...

I will now view all substances that alter the mind as being drugs. That alter the organism in a manner that food doesn't I guess Merriam was pointing out to me.

If only I had been buying healthy meals instead of booze I probably would not have started this log here to be honest. Like no one said hey start a recovery log.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

This got off to a biased jumbled start I apologize for that.

Let's see, in terms of actual recovery, which is far more than merely abstaining from something, I want to be training qigong daily every morning. Every single morning. Bare minimum half hour. This morning was completed.

Maybe I should check in here daily with my progress training qigong as it is a foundation of my recovery and is very much medicine. So ya I guess that is one of my daily meds after all.

I wanna keep this funky too though as recovery should be fun since destroying yourself and hurting others in your life because of that is not fun and sucks and is draining. Recovery shouldn't suck and be draining.

Let's hold off on trying to acquire LSD or psilocybin shall we? But I can't knock the medicinal value of either of those that keeps being shown in article after article. Not to speak of San Pedro. Grandfather Medicine.



I feel like I should really get a grip on sobriety and that might need to include all drugs, plants and not so much, even the entheogenic variety as I can develop spiritually without entheogens I feel but who knows what destiny will call for in time here.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

wow, reading your replies was wild. I didn't even have to parlay in the debate, you responded and then debated with yourself for a little while then came round! hahaha. Are you drinking every day?

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

wow, reading your replies was wild. I didn't even have to parlay in the debate, you responded and then debated with yourself for a little while then came round! hahaha. Are you drinking every day?

I need to ease up here. Trying to do too much and talk about anything related to a hyperdimensional realm (if that doesn't make your eyes roll already) is just not what needs to be happening for me to put this beast in check.

No I wasn't drinking daily. My worst binges took place over 6 months ago now, lasted maybe 5 days and I couldn't sleep at the end of them. Thought I was going to die but I am sure it was due to lack of sleep.

I can usually stop the use after a couple days in a row and it isn't always severe levels of drinking but it's not healthy drinking.

I would encourage anyone struggling to look at what Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has to say about drugs and addiction. On that note a video,



I simply understand there are different ways to view different drugs and I know some people who think you can advance and develop the mind fully without needing psychedelics. Surely some drugs are geared for uses beyond just tuning the mind like for physical issues which might be good for you or have nasty side effects. I forgot to mention I kind of imply empathogens/entactogens and even dissociatives when I say psychedelics so I apologize for being so caught up on seeing certain drugs as medicinal and others as purely being a risk for abuse without any lessons or lasting benefits to offer.

I do blame an undeveloped mind and lack of emotional processing ability on my use actually. Now I realize dropping acid won't necessarily cure me but I can't just ignore the benefits of trying low to moderate doses to undo what alcohol has been doing here not to speak of the changes propylhexedrine has been making on my system which is more severe than alcohol actually. My healthy ways surely counteract the damage and reverse it eventually but the cycle must be broken. It appears you need to break your own cycle from the sound of it Rio! I should be asking you about your struggle here soon! I mean if you have your own thread or something.

Thank goodness I am not a daily user today as I would be in awful shape as if the negative effects aren't pronounced enough for me already from the recent lapses. I was a daily user once upon a time using a plethora of harmful chemicals. Progress might not be perfect but it has come even if not to stay completely yet.

I can tell you today will be a good day but I need to understand how to prevent myself from going down the compulsive road again and not just wait for myself to get close to acting out.

I mean the full story here would take time and energy to write out so I just kind of want to focus on immediate recovery efforts for now at least. I will fill in more details as I keep posting in here.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

I often lie to myself. Even knowing I shouldn't be drinking. Somehow I talk myself into "just a little wine" and swear that's all it will be. 99% of the time that's not how it turns out and generally leads to the arms of the beast.

I suppose being honest in small matters would help being honest when it comes to drinking alcohol. I shouldn't be doing it.

So before you go shitbrick needle brain anti-drug ... lol what am I trying to express here ... that teacher in Southpark? ... please know psychedelics guide me to better living unlike drugs I would take to just get buzzed for indulgent purposes.

I can't just shut the door on psychedelics right now and I only say that because I know of doors you can really open up your perception going through that require no foreign compounds be ingested but feel too incapable of entering while psychedelics feel like a really viable medicine for the mind and in turn the body that will prepare me for perhaps entering a different door one day where no compounds need be taken to fly.

I am not sure what kind of diary I am going for here but from the feel of it San Pedro will be the first psych I document healing with here.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

My brain feels lacerated, my body drained, and hence my thoughts are so jumbled. They should become more organized and structured as I remain clean. If I don't remain clean I might die for all I know.



See you tomorrow. Qigong is as good as done this morning.

2nd interview at this amazing plant-based cafe I applied to cook at. I am not a chef but they make food I would think a chef would make. I was worried about how fancy it was but like they train you so I mean I cook all my own meals anyways and am plant-based most of the time these days and really would like to do work that I personally value compared to the last job I just quit with a home insurance inspection company. I hate insurance and I feel there is a reason for that but I just shouldn't argue against insurance as I think it might be flawed honestly. My argument. Maybe I like tribal living and in tribes, in nature, insurance is a fucking joke.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Your posts are a little hard to follow. It's like a stream of consciousness and is a little disorganized and chaotic, but I think I'm starting to get a general idea of your situation. Have you noticed that even though literally nobody has criticized (or even mentioned at all) your use of psychedelics you have felt the need to defend your use of them as if you were being accused of something?? I totally agree that psychedelics can be used responsibly and are entirely separate from drugs of abuse, but is your conscience telling you something different?? I also think that in early recovery long stretches of sobriety are useful and necessary to develop, and I personally wouldn't take psychedelics in early until I had a very firm grasp on my recovery and was feeling confident and secure in my sobriety, but I know that many people use psychedelics to aid them in getting sober in the first place and they can be really useful for it. The problem is they're inherently unpredictable, at least for me personally, and I wouldn't want a bad trip sending me running back to using to comfort myself.

Where are you from, professor?? How old are you?? Also, I actually enjoyed that Jordan Peterson clip. I naturally recoiled when I saw it was a video of him, but this looks like it's from back when he used to stay in his lane and area of study before becoming a guru expounding nonsense on politics, culture & society.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

Your posts are a little hard to follow. It's like a stream of consciousness and is a little disorganized and chaotic, but I think I'm starting to get a general idea of your situation. Have you noticed that even though literally nobody has criticized (or even mentioned at all) your use of psychedelics you have felt the need to defend your use of them as if you were being accused of something?? I totally agree that psychedelics can be used responsibly and are entirely separate from drugs of abuse, but is your conscience telling you something different?? I also think that in early recovery long stretches of sobriety are useful and necessary to develop, and I personally wouldn't take psychedelics in early until I had a very firm grasp on my recovery and was feeling confident and secure in my sobriety, but I know that many people use psychedelics to aid them in getting sober in the first place and they can be really useful for it. The problem is they're inherently unpredictable, at least for me personally, and I wouldn't want a bad trip sending me running back to using to comfort myself.

Where are you from, professor?? How old are you?? Also, I actually enjoyed that Jordan Peterson clip. I naturally recoiled when I saw it was a video of him, but this looks like it's from back when he used to stay in his lane and area of study before becoming a guru expounding nonsense on politics, culture & society.

Lol at what Jordan Peterson has become. I don't follow him really. Like some of his ideas I guess. Enough to share. Haven't read his books nor do I plan on it.

Yes part of my spiritual beliefs gained from people with far more insight than I have regarding the spiritual teachings I am into tell me psychedelics aren't an ultimate solution to anything really. I guess they are even discouraged but I won't get into why for now. I might reference a text that is causing me to defend being accused. How interesting you are pointing this out.

Let me just focus on sobriety I guess and keep the rest out of the picture here. I will try to simplify my ideas here and express myself more clearly. If I end up taking San Pedro I might mention it here and will post a report in another section about it perhaps but as for any other psychedelics in early recovery I suppose I won't seek any as of right now.

I logged on now just to document a slip I had. 2mg of ativan tablets. Doing work at my parent's house and I knew where they were and it was a terrible choice to take them especially without asking. My mom might notice or might not but I felt so rough in mind and body that I jumped on the thought of grabbing a couple from where she stashes them often. She is addicted to them if you ask me. Thanks doctor for that?

So ya addiction runs in my family on both sides but genetics isn't like something I get caught up on. Lance Dodes actually had some interesting things to say regarding genetics and addiction.

Off to another home to do some work. Won't tell you what happened the last time I was over there and was having a beer on the job. So embarrassing and shitty to do but apparently it didn't impact them as they want me back to work again.

I need to get sober and change some things here. I am not sure I should keep writing anything except keeping up with qigong. At least for the next week or two.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

I need to get sober. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Lorazepam must have been affecting my thoughts.

Anyways I am stable today. No high risks foreseen. I can't believe I just gave into a flash impulse to grab those ativan yesterday. It wasn't horrible but it is reinforcing the addict. Taking pills that weren't given to me is dishonest and not respectful to my mom number one. Number two I could have managed without them.

So today is my new clean date. 8/7/2019.

Qigong will be done this morning. This helps me start my day in the best frame of mind possible I feel and makes me feel balanced and energized until a relapse happens which I want to try and prevent by staying on top of recovery here.

I cuddled again with the girl living with me this morning. We were going to sleep in the same bed last night again but it hasn't worked out most of the time as I can't fall asleep sleeping with her! No we aren't having sex. I'm not sure why I can fall asleep just fine alone but toss and turn with her for hours. Anyways she slept on the couch and I asked to cuddle her this morning and told her I only wanted to cuddle last night so I asked to sleep with her. I think we need to start dating but we are both poor as dirt.

My addiction has left me broke like a joke. I'm tired of this. This needs to change. I need to change.

Anyways being next to her is the best medicine or at least my favorite medicine right now. Meditation is my most important med actually and I shouldn't miss a day of it.

Have a nice day team! Yes I said team, let's help each other and pick each other up when we fall and celebrate when we are doing good!



OM

 

[Rio Fantastic]

That's awesome, man! I admire how honest you're being with yourself. It's super encouraging that you aren't spinning rationalizations to explain away you stealing the Lorazapam and shows that your head is in the right place. We all fuck up on the road to recovery, but it's how we deal with that immediately afterwards that determines our success IMO. How do you define "sober" at the moment? I don't mean to pry, but how old are you?? I just like to have a mental picture of who I'm talking to!

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

I'm 33 Rio. Very athletic. Alcohol destroys my athletic spirit but I often cycle while drinking which counteracts just not moving while drinking. So I should be grateful there was that while relapsing. Anyways you said you wanted a picture. I'm cutesome. Think handsome but the cute kind of handsome. Brownish blonde hair with brown eyes...anyways lol getting carried away, whitey. German/Irish mainly. Not without a dash of Abenaki.

Sober atm is completely free of all intoxicants. When I said San Pedro, to me that isn't a relapse.

Dude I wouldn't take San Pedro to get high.. I mean in some rehabs they are against hallucinogens but in my eyes certain drugs are anti-addictive and can even heal people. Many people view huachuma as a plant teacher. It's plant medicine. For the mind and spirit.

I'm not saying I am trying to use San Pedro regularly right now and don't even have plans to get any but like all it takes is placing an order on the clearnet.

I was thinking of starting a new journal but I guess as the pages turn in this one I can take it in a new direction and not argue about good drugs vs. bad drugs and how some people say don't do any. That's not what I am here to get into really.

I just want to make positive changes in my life and destroy compulsive drug taking patterns which take a toll on my life and in turn impact people around me negatively.

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

I will try to limit my daily entries to two or three. I actually don't know if I need to post daily but right now in early recovery, in this recovery attempt (don't ask what number it is), daily posting probably isn't a bad idea.



About DMT. I was watching Joe Rogan speak with Michael Pollan last night on the Tube about it and Michael had actually only done 5-MeO-DMT. He said it was a terrible experience but he felt immense gratitude for existence coming down so it was good in that respect. He said someone more experienced told him he didn't take enough and Joe said ya he should have taken all 3 tokes. He only took one. He said time and space were obliterated and he was basically strapped to a rocket and blasted to somewhere he described as what it might be like before the Big Bang. It was terrifying chaos I guess and he wasn't there really just the part that perceives without a sense of self?



Anyways Joe was talking about using N,N-DMT and he said something that made me think about the nature of it. He was talking about having jokers giving him the finger all around him once and I'm thinking what is the actual value of experiencing something like that?? Let's make no plans to use DMT any time soon I guess but one person's experience shouldn't write it off as something I won't ever try.

Why a Harvard professor in his 60s started experimenting with LSD and magic mushrooms

Michael Pollan didn't know what to expect when he started experimenting with psychedelic drugs like LSD, mushrooms and ayahuasca. This is what he learned (and why you shouldn't do it at home).

www.abc.net.au

 

[ProfessrHyperdimensional]

Dear psychonauts,

If you aren't one don't worry. I won't tell you to take psychedelics to get sober or open your mind if that makes you uncomfortable. Recreational drug users who view all drugs equal are entitled to that view.

Anyways explore for the benefit of your own mind as well as humanity and the planet I say. Exploring should be purposeful or at the very least an exercise in improving the imagination and inspiration somehow. Growing in love and unity sounds even better.



I am not a psychonaut nor will I ever be one. I also realize as an addict I can never be a recreational drug user. However I can utilize psychedelic medicine for the greater good and my own personal happiness.

Over and out.

Trying to marry a girl but she is hard to get right now.