So I have an issue where if I use almost any substance, it tends to effect me for a LONG time after the initial effects. Cravings, GI tract issues, anxiety, insomnia, clouded thinking and other, possibly psychosomatic mediated problems plague me in a dose and duration dependent manner following not even just the euphoric effects, but from the moment I have made the decision to get high or to impulsively perform any other self-destructive act. In fact, it seems lately that the only actions I take that don't involve negative psychological consequences are those that benefit me in the long term, not merely the short. Although I am clearly making a beneficial adaptation to a pattern of ill-advised decisions, the gradual nature of the process and the in-betweenness from an insecure self-proclaimed derelict to a well-adjusted confident adult often is filled with pitfalls and clouded with a fog of uncertainty. Will I make it and grow to surpass any limits my actions have imposed on me, or fall short somewhere: into some false trap or slide back to a darker place? This is a question central to my future and one which seems to pervade the very nature of my existence.
Perhaps the greatest personal challenges come from the difficulties inherent in integrating my vision of the future with others' expectations of me. Although I want to succeed in life, it is through working with others and being part of the universe; not set on a pedestal. I love my family and friends in a way I struggle to express with words. As I feel this way, it is often difficult to be assertive in the long term. Particularly with drugs, alcohol, staying up late to watch TV instead of sleeping, other purposeless pleasures I have a hard time with personal responsibility. Although I know that the alpha and omega of my actions resides solely with me, when those I am close to offer distractions, often of the chemical variety it is quite difficult for me to resist. I know from experience that once I get started on that path, it takes months if I am lucky at all to break free of it.
I have told some of my family and friends about my personal challenges. With some I have understated them, as I do not want to raise their alarm unnecessarily. With others, I have candidly described my issues and THEY have understated my issues, ascribing them to hypochondria. Its not only difficult for me to just say no sometimes it has negative effects other than simply using drugs or deviating from "the path". I will fixate on what I could be doing instead of focusing on maximizing my present and future, leading to self-injurious distractibility.
Within the past 24 hours, a former roommate called to see if I wanted to do some free cocaine with him, my mom offered me wine at dinner, and a friend wanted to go on a "weed run" probably involving calling a bunch of dealers and driving around for a while with his money. To my former roommate I simply stated that I don't do that anymore and left the conversation at that, although I thought about it for a while. To my mom I said I don't drink at all as it clouds my thoughts and I want to remain razor sharp: I find it best not to refer to an alcohol problem which has never existed as it is simply that alcohol's propensity for loss of inhibitions tends to lead to drug use for me. To my weed friend, I put him off with a maybe some other time. Honestly I have always found weed harder to resist than anything other than maybe cigarrettes, and I hope that my maybe turns into a no.
I know that I am really limitless and will go as far as I let myself. I am going into my senior year as a mechanical engineering major/ math minor at a tier 1 university with a 3.0 GPA (not great, but another former roommate who graduated with a 2.1 last semester was immediately offered a 61k a year job) and for the most part have been clean for a year. The only continuous exception is my prescribed dexedrine, which is for a legitimate case of ADHD and without which I would struggle far more with both personal and professional issues. I was enlisted in the USAF for a few years without any ADHD meds and while never taking drugs (after having been exposed to them before enlisting), so it is clear that I can at least stay clean without help, but limited.
Throughout my adult life, I have been barraged with challenges, most of which I have or am in the process of surmounting. Although I am far from my goals of being a world class inventor and founder of my own fortune 500 corporation and possibly the first man on mars, I know that I can get their if, like the little engine that could, I simply think I can. Although school is sometimes so hard that stating a desire to tear my hair out in frustration would be an understatement, I have made it this far already. I made it through basic training, SERE, C-130 loadmaster flight school, several years of air force, my parents family and society, engineering school thus far and all the rest that the world can and has thrown at me. I have made it to where I am, and I will make it to where I'm going. Even while the future is shrouded in a cloud, my momentum and current position combined with that most essential of human virtues hope propel me into a future where the only certainty is that better things are coming.
I am writing as hopefully an inspiration to others who quest for answers, who are still in their unique trenches fighting personal challenges wherever they may lie. If I can develop as a person after years of being a leach to propel myself forward to be that productive member of society that I hope to yet be, anyone can. My First Shirt told me once that people can be divided into 3 groups, those that are drains to the community, those that just exist, and those that make the community better by their presence. I have spent most of my life in the first group, been transitioning to the second and aspire to the third. I have dealt with a ton of roadblocks, feel free to ask about them if you want, they may parallel in some way yours. I want to encourage those of you who read this not to give up: you can always make something better of yourself, and any improvement no matter how slight is what matters in the "grand scheme of things". I will make, and you will too. By the way, I know I am barely begun on my road, so this might seem like I don't have the proper perspective to express this sentement. I argue that this is exactly why I have the proper perspective, as I am still struggling with everything from drug cravings, anxiety and depression, family and interpersonal relationships, school and eventually work including learning and performing abstract tasks. I write this for myself that I might see and reflect on what I have done as motivation for what I will do, and for others for whom motivation has been lacking and for whom the assurance of hope, that sole bit of goodness in the evil of Pandora's box of life might do even a little bit of good.
Please don't give up. I won't and I haven't. We will all succeed in our own way.
Perhaps the greatest personal challenges come from the difficulties inherent in integrating my vision of the future with others' expectations of me. Although I want to succeed in life, it is through working with others and being part of the universe; not set on a pedestal. I love my family and friends in a way I struggle to express with words. As I feel this way, it is often difficult to be assertive in the long term. Particularly with drugs, alcohol, staying up late to watch TV instead of sleeping, other purposeless pleasures I have a hard time with personal responsibility. Although I know that the alpha and omega of my actions resides solely with me, when those I am close to offer distractions, often of the chemical variety it is quite difficult for me to resist. I know from experience that once I get started on that path, it takes months if I am lucky at all to break free of it.
I have told some of my family and friends about my personal challenges. With some I have understated them, as I do not want to raise their alarm unnecessarily. With others, I have candidly described my issues and THEY have understated my issues, ascribing them to hypochondria. Its not only difficult for me to just say no sometimes it has negative effects other than simply using drugs or deviating from "the path". I will fixate on what I could be doing instead of focusing on maximizing my present and future, leading to self-injurious distractibility.
Within the past 24 hours, a former roommate called to see if I wanted to do some free cocaine with him, my mom offered me wine at dinner, and a friend wanted to go on a "weed run" probably involving calling a bunch of dealers and driving around for a while with his money. To my former roommate I simply stated that I don't do that anymore and left the conversation at that, although I thought about it for a while. To my mom I said I don't drink at all as it clouds my thoughts and I want to remain razor sharp: I find it best not to refer to an alcohol problem which has never existed as it is simply that alcohol's propensity for loss of inhibitions tends to lead to drug use for me. To my weed friend, I put him off with a maybe some other time. Honestly I have always found weed harder to resist than anything other than maybe cigarrettes, and I hope that my maybe turns into a no.
I know that I am really limitless and will go as far as I let myself. I am going into my senior year as a mechanical engineering major/ math minor at a tier 1 university with a 3.0 GPA (not great, but another former roommate who graduated with a 2.1 last semester was immediately offered a 61k a year job) and for the most part have been clean for a year. The only continuous exception is my prescribed dexedrine, which is for a legitimate case of ADHD and without which I would struggle far more with both personal and professional issues. I was enlisted in the USAF for a few years without any ADHD meds and while never taking drugs (after having been exposed to them before enlisting), so it is clear that I can at least stay clean without help, but limited.
Throughout my adult life, I have been barraged with challenges, most of which I have or am in the process of surmounting. Although I am far from my goals of being a world class inventor and founder of my own fortune 500 corporation and possibly the first man on mars, I know that I can get their if, like the little engine that could, I simply think I can. Although school is sometimes so hard that stating a desire to tear my hair out in frustration would be an understatement, I have made it this far already. I made it through basic training, SERE, C-130 loadmaster flight school, several years of air force, my parents family and society, engineering school thus far and all the rest that the world can and has thrown at me. I have made it to where I am, and I will make it to where I'm going. Even while the future is shrouded in a cloud, my momentum and current position combined with that most essential of human virtues hope propel me into a future where the only certainty is that better things are coming.
I am writing as hopefully an inspiration to others who quest for answers, who are still in their unique trenches fighting personal challenges wherever they may lie. If I can develop as a person after years of being a leach to propel myself forward to be that productive member of society that I hope to yet be, anyone can. My First Shirt told me once that people can be divided into 3 groups, those that are drains to the community, those that just exist, and those that make the community better by their presence. I have spent most of my life in the first group, been transitioning to the second and aspire to the third. I have dealt with a ton of roadblocks, feel free to ask about them if you want, they may parallel in some way yours. I want to encourage those of you who read this not to give up: you can always make something better of yourself, and any improvement no matter how slight is what matters in the "grand scheme of things". I will make, and you will too. By the way, I know I am barely begun on my road, so this might seem like I don't have the proper perspective to express this sentement. I argue that this is exactly why I have the proper perspective, as I am still struggling with everything from drug cravings, anxiety and depression, family and interpersonal relationships, school and eventually work including learning and performing abstract tasks. I write this for myself that I might see and reflect on what I have done as motivation for what I will do, and for others for whom motivation has been lacking and for whom the assurance of hope, that sole bit of goodness in the evil of Pandora's box of life might do even a little bit of good.
Please don't give up. I won't and I haven't. We will all succeed in our own way.
