The past

[only]

Hi,

I've been thinking about posting here for such a long time. I'll do point form.

Basically:

. I've always been prone to addiction, very sensitive, started drinking early (binging 12-13 each weekend, blackout drunk)

. Had problems with panic disorder and night terrors all my life (as a child, night terrors, as a teenager panic attacks brought on by weed)

.got into the party scene, pills etc. eventually led to meth(no stigma in those days, didn't even know what it was, eventually found out it was speed and just thought it was a great roa)

.meth made me hyper sexual, eventually leading to more and more sexual experiences. Most of them I regret. Nothing illegal, but it didn't matter at the time. Wasn't ever full on sex either. Meth sessions really. (i don't want to go into details as this it the internet)

. Now, all that behind me, I am haunted by all this shit. I keep having memories of it all the time. I have a partner who knows nothing about it. I feel like I'm carrying around a massive black cloud that stops Me from getting close. I feel like I don't deserve anyone.

. My partner is very sensitive, Even a bit disturbed in the sex realm. It's not an option to talk to her about it.

Do I

1. Leave her, because if she knows what I did she prior wouldn't be with me(even though I love her and treat her so well etc etc.)

2. Live my lif with this black cloud, hoping it never comes to light.

I've tried everything: aa(messed me up), counseling and psychotherapy (told me it wasn't that bad and to just forget it and it had nothing to do with my current relationship), meds (helped a bit ) mediation groups, charity work etc.

I'm headed back to the addiction side of things, don't want to screw it up.

I feel like the past won't go away, and I can't live with that shit. What's the answer? Maybe the best is to just go on, and try to do as ,any good and positive things to fill up my life experience so the bad shit is dwarfed.

Any input is great, just try to be honest and thoughtful.

Thanks

 

[Maya]

We all have skeletons in our closet OP and since you have done most of the possible ways to be better, all you can do is to continue to live and accept the past. Acceptance is key that these things already happened and no matter how much we try to vent about it, we can't really do much but live with it. It took me so many years to deal with my issues but hey can I turn back time? No, it happened and it caused so much emotional and psychological pain but I was strong and I am still fighting.

 

[only]

Thank you maya,

I understand that, but these things continue to impact my life. Not all the time, but they definitely pop up and remind me a lot of the time.

Theres not a lot of similar experiences that I can relat to. I want to move on. I want to be able to say that I'm ok, that I'm a good person and then keep on with my life. Otherwise what's the point ? Better to end a life than to keep living a life that just gets worse and worse.

Not fishing here, I'm actually looking for the solution. I can accept things, but the next day I won't accept it. Then I try again.

If there was some science behind it, I might feel ok. Like its just normal human behavior while high on drugs to have ex with everyone. That kinda thing. I Dunno.

All the best

 

[ad lib]

I agree with Maya in the sense that we all have skeletons in our closet and need to accept what happened in the past and move on.

The past is the past for a reason. Dwelling on it is only going to bring more pain and hurt to us than we are already currently dealing with. Is it hard to let go of the past? Yes it fucking is. But it can't be changed. The only thing that you can do is try and make a better future and try to prevent what hurt you in the past from occurring again. Is it hard? Yes. It is easier said than done, trust me I know. But if you live in the past then you're not going to be able to make a better future for yourself. Or a better now.

Why do you feel that you need to tell your partner? You mention that she is sensitive, so it is probably not a good idea to bring this up with her. If all this happened before you met her, then she shouldn't hold that against you anyway. However, some people still do.

Is there anything that you can do in your personal life to get over your past? Anything that will bring you an inner peace?

Living in the past is the worst thing that one can do, and I'm doing it too.

 

[straightrazor]

I've never really been to into the 12 steps but one worthwhile thing that I took from NA was the serenity prayer:


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Like Maya said, we all have skeletons in our closet. I used to spend a lot of my time dwelling on things I did in the past and people I hurt. Honestly, dwelling on those things put me in an even worse state of mind and helped keep me down rather than changing my life and focusing on what I can do now and in the future to be a better person. It took me a long time to realize that. Whenever you find yourself thinking about the past just focus on your breathing for a few minutes and let the thoughts past. Focus your mind on what you can do make to make yourself a better person now. We can't change the past but we can certainly learn from it.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Only and welcome to B;

When you attended the AA did you actually perform the steps as a good deal of the step are designed to heal this exact thing. And if you did them did you include the things that are haunting you when you did the them. Another option is to go confess to a priest.. confession works even if you dont belive in god.

Also why are you holding yourself up to the standards of a God.. we all make mistakes and do things we look back on and think I can't believe I did that.. or oh my lord how could I have done that.. but shit we are only human.. we make mistakes, shit I even chose to do make "mistakes".. but I have been able to forgive myself.. cause I came to the conclusion finally that Im human and really we make more damn mistakes than we make good choices.. I will never be perfect except at my perfect string of days where I wasn't perfect. So I guess i would lighten up a bit and join the rest of us "sinners" pretty sure there are like 7.135 billion of us on the planet... cause trying to live up to perfection or the standards of a god is so damn impossible and will drive you crazy.

Find a way to forgive yourself and try not to take yourself and life so serious because it can turn into a seriously miserable time.

 

[only]

Hey never sick,

Yeah I did all the steps up to 10. I found the step 4 and 5 quite helpful but ultimately it all came bAck after a while. My group was intense, I wasn't allowed to talk to a priest or psychologist. But they were nice,just a bit too cultish. My next sponsor made a point of making me feel constantly ashamed.. Not good. Totally took advantage of my fragile state. Trying to break me to submit to the group. Any share we did was rehearsed beforehand, basically the sponsor told us wht to say. If we said the wrong thing, like me I shared about being happy cause I knew my mind wasn't going to provide peace and that the present moment provided peace, my sponsor told me that is was too "eckhart tollish" and tht I shouldn't share like that again.

Veryhard to get out of, because I feltif I left I would die or die drunk or worse.

But still I remained sober and did very well for a yearaftereavng so I don't think aa is right to preach that. At least my group.

But thanks never sick, I will find a way. I know it's the only answer. Thanks for the reply

 

[herbavore]

That AA group sounds miserable and the sponsor sounds like a malicious and controlling dictator not a sponsor!

Having sex with lots of people is something that many people have in their past--with or without drugs. It can be a sensitive thing to integrate into your life once you are in a relationship and out of the old circumstances. Maybe talking about it matter-of-factly as something you did in the past that you don't necessarily feel good about (the drugs and the sex) and seeing that most people accept you for who you are now will help you to accept yourself that way. You don't have to share it wantonly with everyone but shame is definitely fed by secrecy so it's something to think about. Good luck. You don't need to keep suffering.

 

[nuttynutskin]

If what you did wasn't even illegal I can't quite figure out why you're so hard on yourself. As long as you're treating your current partner good like you said I see no reason why she or anyone else needs to know everything from your past unless you contracted an std or something like that. The past is just that, you can't change it. But only you can allow yourself to let go of it. Easier said that done, I know first hand.