The last 4 days have been fucking intense. It's partly due to my tolerance to meth is very high now, the last 3 days, didn't feel it, in fact it made me feel WORSE. The other part of the problem is that the Doc's office has NEVER taken a goddamned week to authorize my pills. This week I would have done practically anything to get those pills, because now is when I need them the most. Still, Monday, no pills. Called Wed afternoon, no pills. I called today at 5pm, no pills. The pharmacy said they are faxing another request to the doc. I only hope they have them for me tomorrow! I thought for sure that the hold up was my account was on hold or something at the doc's office cause of the mammogram charge I haven't paid. Each and every time I tried to call all week to sort this out, I'd suffer horrific panic attacks at the thought of talking to them. Even when I'm straight, I suffer the same, except that although it takes me forever to finally do something, eventually I do.
Today I finally managed again. I called and found out no my account was not frozen, so either they've been extremely busy and forgot about me, or because of the fact I've been unknowingly going thru these pills in 7-10 days. The pharmacy for whatever reason put the date on the pill bottle a week earlier than I actually picked them up. That's how I monitor how much I'm taking. When I saw there was no refill, I looked to see why, and found out, shit they probably have red flagged me or something, fuck. I made sure to make them last 10 days, but I've been tripping and stressing out soo much, I've taken more pills than I normally would. Ironically, for the first time in over 2 years, it wasn't meth I was craving at all, but my pills to help me calm the fuck down. Well, since I was forced, I resorted to Tramadols. I have a shitload left, but I REALLY don't want to get strung out on those again.
Hopefully, God PLEASE tomorrow afternoon, have some pills ready for me please??? I hope and I pray. I have 2 vicodins with grapefruit juice to take when I wake up tomorrow afternoon if I have to. But, I have decided one thing for sure. I said to myself today, "Homegirl, when your tolerance is this high, and it's making you feel worse, not better, not to mention the expense is fucking killing me, then it's time to stop." I found an old bottle of ephedra in my closet from when they were still legal. Now as far as the speed goes, in the past, I'd pop 2 pills 3 times a day and while I didn't get high, I didn't suffer the horrific chronic fatigue either. Also, what was it last Friday or Thursday I believe it was, Rich told me, "Don't be surprised if you never see me again." He moved to Chicago because he has warrants out for his arrest here. I was truly saddened because I really liked him. "I like you. That's why I wanted to be straight with you," he said. After one last bag and a brief hug goodbye, that's the last I saw or probably will ever see of him.
.
He was honest, reliable, and didn't cut it all to shit. His girlfriend is taking over his customers, but he didn't have a whole lot of good things to say about her. Linda said she's always late, she's unreliable, and she cuts the shit. You know what? Fuck that all to hell. So I went over to Linda's after seeing about my car to find out what everyone is going to do because this puts me back at square one, no direct connect anymore. I'd rather be jonesin and have money I would have spent, then to jones and NOT have the money spent on bad shit or way too short. There are a few other options, Linda said, but no one is really very consistent. So when I heard this, I reaffirmed to myself that now is a good time to take a break. I still have maybe about 1/2 gram left, but am gonna stop for at least 5 days and try a shot to see if it works. The rest I wanna save for a rainy day. So my last 4 days have been filled with angst and sadness. I mean I know I need to stop and give it a rest anyway. I also have to be VERY careful about what I eat.
I want to maintain my weight loss, about 60 lbs and I actually look like a normal, attractive human being again instead of a goddamned butt ugly FAT chick that weighed 240 lbs. Jesus Christ I don't EVER want to let that happen to me again! I think, ideally the schedule would probably be best for me again. I'll see what happens after 5 days, try a shot, then stop for a month, hell I don't know. All I know is that once I made up my mind, a sense of relief came over me because it's a financial burden big time with my wages being garnished by 25%. I did try to contact them again and kept getting busy signals, and they'd hang up on me. Tomorrow I plan on sending a certified letter. The state says for me to call probation and probation tells me to call the state. Fuck. This isn't right. I am writing a note saying I disagree with these charges, it should be 1/2 what they say, and that I have been unable to pay rent in full because of them. If I were anywhere else, I'd lose yet another goddamned apartment or room, as Mom pointed out.
I still have to pay her the back rent portions I haven't paid when the garnishment is over. I am glad however, that I don't have to fucking move again. This is the first time in 4 years I've been unable to pay rent. At least this time it's not because I lost yet another job. I feel good about getting a lot accomplished today. Also, when I'm straight, I do take care of bullshit I hate, even though I lag. I also, spend more time with Mom, and family. I only hope the chronic fatigue issues finally leave me the fuck alone. I think they will once I get my regular Rx and stop taking that fucking Tramadol. It's been 2 days already, I sure as hell want to avoid taking it more than 3 days in a row. So, as I said this week has been intense. Linda was nice enough to give me 1/2 klonopin and these 3 other chicks came over, and one of them gave me 2 more k pins, which was cool. I took 2 halves and feel a lot less anxious. I'll be so glad when all this shit is behind me. But, it's time to give the partying a rest for a while.
One last thing, the shit completely took away my sex drive again. Instead of trying to hook up with a stranger, me and this guy from our gang of dope fiends hit me up. I told him I didnt' think it would be a good idea, but he said let's try anyway. My mouth was dry, my pussy was dry. I would not let him go down on me, straight sex only and I wasn't going down on him either. I could not respond in the least. Branden has been leaving me horny IM's and as sweet and as flattering as it feels to be desired once again by the opposite sex when I wasn't for over 2 years is great. Still, when I read his IM's, the thought of having sex with him or anyone else almost nearly made me want to throw up. Actually, it's probably best, that way I stay out of trouble. The best sex, in fact the only real good sex at this stage in my life can only be had if and when both parties are in love. I don't know that I will ever see that day, although I'm not tripping over it, it's just a fact of life. At this stage, like I said, I just don't want casual sex, or even passionate sex with Branden who does love me, but isn't in love with me. I'm not in love with him either, but don't care about sex anymore.
That's weird considering the first what 2 or 3 months of using, my drive went through the roof, but the teasing got to be too much, so I mentally disconnected myself from sexual drive. So, for now, I can no longer spend $130 or $140 for a fucking teenager every week. I can't afford to fuck off all my responsibilities either because when I'm on a good one, I want to go to the playground in my mind and stay there and party. I'm perfectly content that way. I usually get high alone, although sometimes it is fun to do it with others, such as Linda. Still, for now the party is over. No more weekly teenagers for me.
Today I finally managed again. I called and found out no my account was not frozen, so either they've been extremely busy and forgot about me, or because of the fact I've been unknowingly going thru these pills in 7-10 days. The pharmacy for whatever reason put the date on the pill bottle a week earlier than I actually picked them up. That's how I monitor how much I'm taking. When I saw there was no refill, I looked to see why, and found out, shit they probably have red flagged me or something, fuck. I made sure to make them last 10 days, but I've been tripping and stressing out soo much, I've taken more pills than I normally would. Ironically, for the first time in over 2 years, it wasn't meth I was craving at all, but my pills to help me calm the fuck down. Well, since I was forced, I resorted to Tramadols. I have a shitload left, but I REALLY don't want to get strung out on those again.
Hopefully, God PLEASE tomorrow afternoon, have some pills ready for me please??? I hope and I pray. I have 2 vicodins with grapefruit juice to take when I wake up tomorrow afternoon if I have to. But, I have decided one thing for sure. I said to myself today, "Homegirl, when your tolerance is this high, and it's making you feel worse, not better, not to mention the expense is fucking killing me, then it's time to stop." I found an old bottle of ephedra in my closet from when they were still legal. Now as far as the speed goes, in the past, I'd pop 2 pills 3 times a day and while I didn't get high, I didn't suffer the horrific chronic fatigue either. Also, what was it last Friday or Thursday I believe it was, Rich told me, "Don't be surprised if you never see me again." He moved to Chicago because he has warrants out for his arrest here. I was truly saddened because I really liked him. "I like you. That's why I wanted to be straight with you," he said. After one last bag and a brief hug goodbye, that's the last I saw or probably will ever see of him.
.He was honest, reliable, and didn't cut it all to shit. His girlfriend is taking over his customers, but he didn't have a whole lot of good things to say about her. Linda said she's always late, she's unreliable, and she cuts the shit. You know what? Fuck that all to hell. So I went over to Linda's after seeing about my car to find out what everyone is going to do because this puts me back at square one, no direct connect anymore. I'd rather be jonesin and have money I would have spent, then to jones and NOT have the money spent on bad shit or way too short. There are a few other options, Linda said, but no one is really very consistent. So when I heard this, I reaffirmed to myself that now is a good time to take a break. I still have maybe about 1/2 gram left, but am gonna stop for at least 5 days and try a shot to see if it works. The rest I wanna save for a rainy day. So my last 4 days have been filled with angst and sadness. I mean I know I need to stop and give it a rest anyway. I also have to be VERY careful about what I eat.
I want to maintain my weight loss, about 60 lbs and I actually look like a normal, attractive human being again instead of a goddamned butt ugly FAT chick that weighed 240 lbs. Jesus Christ I don't EVER want to let that happen to me again! I think, ideally the schedule would probably be best for me again. I'll see what happens after 5 days, try a shot, then stop for a month, hell I don't know. All I know is that once I made up my mind, a sense of relief came over me because it's a financial burden big time with my wages being garnished by 25%. I did try to contact them again and kept getting busy signals, and they'd hang up on me. Tomorrow I plan on sending a certified letter. The state says for me to call probation and probation tells me to call the state. Fuck. This isn't right. I am writing a note saying I disagree with these charges, it should be 1/2 what they say, and that I have been unable to pay rent in full because of them. If I were anywhere else, I'd lose yet another goddamned apartment or room, as Mom pointed out.
I still have to pay her the back rent portions I haven't paid when the garnishment is over. I am glad however, that I don't have to fucking move again. This is the first time in 4 years I've been unable to pay rent. At least this time it's not because I lost yet another job. I feel good about getting a lot accomplished today. Also, when I'm straight, I do take care of bullshit I hate, even though I lag. I also, spend more time with Mom, and family. I only hope the chronic fatigue issues finally leave me the fuck alone. I think they will once I get my regular Rx and stop taking that fucking Tramadol. It's been 2 days already, I sure as hell want to avoid taking it more than 3 days in a row. So, as I said this week has been intense. Linda was nice enough to give me 1/2 klonopin and these 3 other chicks came over, and one of them gave me 2 more k pins, which was cool. I took 2 halves and feel a lot less anxious. I'll be so glad when all this shit is behind me. But, it's time to give the partying a rest for a while.
One last thing, the shit completely took away my sex drive again. Instead of trying to hook up with a stranger, me and this guy from our gang of dope fiends hit me up. I told him I didnt' think it would be a good idea, but he said let's try anyway. My mouth was dry, my pussy was dry. I would not let him go down on me, straight sex only and I wasn't going down on him either. I could not respond in the least. Branden has been leaving me horny IM's and as sweet and as flattering as it feels to be desired once again by the opposite sex when I wasn't for over 2 years is great. Still, when I read his IM's, the thought of having sex with him or anyone else almost nearly made me want to throw up. Actually, it's probably best, that way I stay out of trouble. The best sex, in fact the only real good sex at this stage in my life can only be had if and when both parties are in love. I don't know that I will ever see that day, although I'm not tripping over it, it's just a fact of life. At this stage, like I said, I just don't want casual sex, or even passionate sex with Branden who does love me, but isn't in love with me. I'm not in love with him either, but don't care about sex anymore.
That's weird considering the first what 2 or 3 months of using, my drive went through the roof, but the teasing got to be too much, so I mentally disconnected myself from sexual drive. So, for now, I can no longer spend $130 or $140 for a fucking teenager every week. I can't afford to fuck off all my responsibilities either because when I'm on a good one, I want to go to the playground in my mind and stay there and party. I'm perfectly content that way. I usually get high alone, although sometimes it is fun to do it with others, such as Linda. Still, for now the party is over. No more weekly teenagers for me.
