Anti-Pain Medication Society Sucks
I haven't been in this forum in a long time and as I'm going through a brief rough patch, talking to peeps that get chronic pain seemed like a good idea. I have a great Dr right now, who has me on 100mg Morphine ER twice a day and Percocet 10/325 six a day. I'm not going to list my whole med list, but those and my Xanax are what keep me from just eating a bullet. So now I just live in fear everyday that this Dr will retire because he's old, and I'll have to start the fight for my meds with some other fresh out of med school Dr who believes that opiates are the devil, or aren't ever ever ever acceptable for fibro patients. I'm currently going through horrendous WD's due to a switch in insurance that is making me prior auth my meds so I can't get them until Tuesday. This dark place of withdrawl and pain and depression has got my mind quite messed up and in this dark place I've come to the conclusion that if I ever lose my meds I'm toast. Just put me down and bury me because I don't have the strengh to fight for what I shouldn't have to fight for. I'm sure my outlook on life will improve once I get my scripts refilled on Tuesday, but for now I'm just hating a system where insurance companies deny me meds that my Dr says I need. I won the battle, but still had to go through a week of hell before I got what I was supposed to get with no problem at all. Oh, the life of an opiate using CCP, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Well, except the whore that started an affair with my husband last year, I'd wish all of it on her lol. Went to the ER on Friday to try and get some relief, and they wouldn't do shit, so I almost got put on a suicide watch due to my lack of a filter on the words that come out of my mouth. I said that since they recommend Aleve, (and they have on file what I take every day) I'd for sure go get some and just take one every half hour or so until my pain was better or I was dead. Since they think thats what I need, right? I better be careful that my anger doesn't end me up in a mental ward, though a lot of times I think it would do me good, more so with me trying to get my disability approved. But then I have to worry about them taking away my pain meds. The bullshit just never ends.
I think it's pathetic that people treat us people in horrific pain as addicts. In so many ways I wish I was living in the pre 1914 years, before the ultra-religious decided to outlaw alcohol and drugs that have been our birthright since the dawn of civilization. What used to be available over the counter (paregoric) is now completely illegal, and only highly regulated meds under tight control are available to those of us who are "lucky"
Before my injury I never tried any drugs, I didn't smoke, heck, and I didn't even drink. I was a professional with a bright future, high income, and loved my job. At first I resisted taking any pain medication but it was impossible to resist given the intractable pain. The Hydrocodone 10/325's worked at first but even at the beginning it only worked for a little while and most of the day I was in severe pain. I would tell the doctors that I needed more pain relief and all they kept saying was "you're an addict" -
Every day I waited for my wife and child to leave, I would put the gun to my head and wanted to kill myself to get the pain to stop since no one would help me. This lasted for 2.5 years..... the first few surgeries helped but the last one made it 10x worse. The moment I woke up from surgery I knew something was wrong.... VERY VERY WRONG! They couldn't keep me sedated, the pain woke me up despite the surgical meds... IV Morphine did nothing, IV Dilaudid did nothing, but instead of upping the dose they gave me a hallucinogen "ketamine"... and not knowing why I was seeing the devil, I nearly lost my mind... I thought what I was seeing was real- and only days later was I told about the Ketamine..... they had no problems giving me 5x the highest dose of ketamine, but god forbid they up the dose of narcotic pain killers......
I finally talked the pain management folks to increase the IV narcotics, I went through bolides of Dilaudid in hours not days.... and my pain was finally under control. I was getting 2mg of Dilauded IV every 6 minutes and a trickle of 10 an hour... and the oral meds of over 400mg oxycodone per day.
-----------it's not that the narcotics weren't working, it's that for some reason it took high levels to effect me-------------
I left the hospital a week later, over 400mg of narcotics a day orally as well as a handful of other drugs - did they try to adjust the meds to the right dose? NO They chose an arbitrary number and stuck with it for the past couple years. Every few months I have people try to lower my meds under the excuse "some day these drugs won't work for you anymore"..... god knows I am not allowed to ask for a higher dose, that would make me an addict. It's okay if I blow my head off from pain when the weather changes .... it's okay if my pain increases but the meds - no no no we can't let you adjust your pain meds.... we won't even let you discuses changeling it.
But hey, I am lucky.... I get my 440mg a day. Sure I have to go to the doctor every 7 days to get a new script that I have to beg for.. sure he knows I am coming but I have to call, ask, wait, and then go pick it up and bring to the pharmacy every 7 days. I can't leave town... because some anti drug laws that make anti-narcotic painkiller advocates feel safer at night... I can't fill my script anywhere but here by my house- tethered forever.... unable to go visit my father, or bury my grandmother..... no, I can't leave.... not that I could handle the pain of a trip, but if I could then what? What if my plane is diverted on the way back. Canceled because of weather, miss my flight? What if someone sees all my meds and decides to detain me because they think I am a drug dealer.
I can't drive, I can't do ANYTHING... I just lay in bed almost my whole life for the past 4 years now.. more comfortable from 20minutes after taking the ends till about 2 hours, then sit and wait for the timer to go off so I can gel relief again..... looking at my kids and talking myself out of that bullet because it would be the wrong thing to do. The kids need their father I am told.... what kind of father can't even pick up his babies? What kind of father can play for 5 minutes and be in pain from minute one... and 5 minutes later despite loving them so much, want nothing more than to lay down. What does it teach them when I smell from now showering for two weeks because of pain because the weather changed? or eating in bed while they eat together as a family in the dining room. What kind of father am I for watching them live life through text messages as I lay in bed not even feeling well enough to watch TV?
I just wish someone would TRY giving me as much medication as it takes to feel well enough to rejoin life. I already know I react differently to meds than most. Just one doctor to not be afraid of the number of MG's, just hospitalize me and titrate my medication until I can be all that I can be.... I am stable at my dose for years now, it has had the same effect, but I know a higher dose allows me to do more - and when I take less, I am even more restricted.
My life is screwed, FINE - what are you doctors afraid of? That I will die? That may happen from a bullet anyway.... if anything I may live LONGER if they change their attitude about pain meds. it's such a taboo... pain meds - it's okay if you dress like a woman, it's okay if you sleep with a man, it's okay if cheat on you wife, it's okay if you date a woman 1/4 your age as long as she is 18..... but god forbid you let those of us in horrific pain get comfortable.... society just won't sleep well at night!
Why not authorize those of us known to be screwed like I am... to take whatever meds we need as long as we don't divert it. We will take polygraphs to prove we aren't looking for a high, we will take any test you want - just please allow those of us who need it to fill scripts wherever we go,,,, or have year long scripts... or let us take the occasional extra pill when we have increased pain....
