Cosmic Mist
Bluelighter
This is the flip side of Wishing Would Like and follows on accordingly...
I've just been sitting around. Sitting around for days and dreaming of you. Watching your every movement and enjoying the sensation of your skin on mine.
I've been watching you, from afar, and wondering all about you. Wondering what you're thinking, seeing, feeling...
...wondering what you're doing...
Wondering if you remember me?
It's been so very long, and i'm sure your resentment rows day by day. I'm sure that there is no room for me in your life anymore. I'm sure that you have moved on, with your new family, pets, and career. I'm sure you've forgoten all about me.
It's so hard to look at you and not see myself as i was at your age: so scared and alone; trying to stand tall, yet failing miserably.
The weight of the world is cruching you, it would seem, yet you try to stand so tall, so proud, and not let them knock you down.
I am so proud of you, i wish i could just wrap you up in my arms and shower you in the affection that you so truely deserve. How could i ever take away from you all the pain i have caused you, all the hurt i have so needlessly inflicted?
I don't think i will ever be able to. No matter how much i try. You're too far beyond myreach, even if you are only 20 years old now. 4 years have passed since last i truely held you as though you were mine, and allowed you to feel the warm loving touch of my deepest affections. Do you even remember that day?
it was july 29th i believe, and you, a bright-eyed 16 year old were off to see the world and explore with me or any one else. DO you realise how frightening that was for me? Do you have any idea? I didn't want to let you go, but i knew i had to. You were theonly acheivement i really had to be proud of, and you were leaving me far far behind in this sloppy mess that i have to call life. How could you possibly understand all the trauma that caused me? How could you possibly begin to undersatnd what i was feeling??
...And yet, it is you that suffers, and suffers still...
...you tell me time and time agan how you want to see me. Your letters written to me and messages left on my answering machine are a clear indication of everything you claim to feel.
...And that is why i have left you. My silence must speak louder to you, than anything else....
...i can't even look at you anymore. You stand so much taller than i ever could have hope for, and so speak with so much more authority than i have ever been able to manage. You call for attention and command it accordingly. You seems undaunted by all you have been forced to live through (most of which could easilyhave been avoided had i chose it,) whats more you seem to wear it like some goddamned badge of honour. I can't stand to look at you anymore...
...and one day i'm sure i'll have the courage to talk to you again, to look you in the eyes and tell you everything i have been holding within me for so long. Until that time i shall have to stay well clear of you, sheilding my point of view, knowing that eash day i loose the opportunity to hold you close to me and call you my own.
I hope you will eventually forgive me for everything i haven't done, that day when i eventually hold the courage within me to tell you that i think of you eveyday, andin every single way i love you. SO much so that it hurts me to my very depths. I hope one day you understand...
... and when that days comes, i hope you still have the capacity to care...
I've just been sitting around. Sitting around for days and dreaming of you. Watching your every movement and enjoying the sensation of your skin on mine.
I've been watching you, from afar, and wondering all about you. Wondering what you're thinking, seeing, feeling...
...wondering what you're doing...
Wondering if you remember me?
It's been so very long, and i'm sure your resentment rows day by day. I'm sure that there is no room for me in your life anymore. I'm sure that you have moved on, with your new family, pets, and career. I'm sure you've forgoten all about me.
It's so hard to look at you and not see myself as i was at your age: so scared and alone; trying to stand tall, yet failing miserably.
The weight of the world is cruching you, it would seem, yet you try to stand so tall, so proud, and not let them knock you down.
I am so proud of you, i wish i could just wrap you up in my arms and shower you in the affection that you so truely deserve. How could i ever take away from you all the pain i have caused you, all the hurt i have so needlessly inflicted?
I don't think i will ever be able to. No matter how much i try. You're too far beyond myreach, even if you are only 20 years old now. 4 years have passed since last i truely held you as though you were mine, and allowed you to feel the warm loving touch of my deepest affections. Do you even remember that day?
it was july 29th i believe, and you, a bright-eyed 16 year old were off to see the world and explore with me or any one else. DO you realise how frightening that was for me? Do you have any idea? I didn't want to let you go, but i knew i had to. You were theonly acheivement i really had to be proud of, and you were leaving me far far behind in this sloppy mess that i have to call life. How could you possibly understand all the trauma that caused me? How could you possibly begin to undersatnd what i was feeling??
...And yet, it is you that suffers, and suffers still...
...you tell me time and time agan how you want to see me. Your letters written to me and messages left on my answering machine are a clear indication of everything you claim to feel.
...And that is why i have left you. My silence must speak louder to you, than anything else....
...i can't even look at you anymore. You stand so much taller than i ever could have hope for, and so speak with so much more authority than i have ever been able to manage. You call for attention and command it accordingly. You seems undaunted by all you have been forced to live through (most of which could easilyhave been avoided had i chose it,) whats more you seem to wear it like some goddamned badge of honour. I can't stand to look at you anymore...
...and one day i'm sure i'll have the courage to talk to you again, to look you in the eyes and tell you everything i have been holding within me for so long. Until that time i shall have to stay well clear of you, sheilding my point of view, knowing that eash day i loose the opportunity to hold you close to me and call you my own.
I hope you will eventually forgive me for everything i haven't done, that day when i eventually hold the courage within me to tell you that i think of you eveyday, andin every single way i love you. SO much so that it hurts me to my very depths. I hope one day you understand...
... and when that days comes, i hope you still have the capacity to care...
