This is the only place I can open up about how things really are. No fake smiles, no lies and denial.
I am depressed. It clicked the other day that I was depressed. I don't know if the meth and other drugs were replacing the meds so I didn't have the crazy mood cycles I do sometimes. Now I've had to go 2 nights without any meth. Popping my pills and smoking some weed to try to quiet the monster a little bit. I dunno, sometimes my friends eel bad enough for me that they share their drugs with me. Well not many people want to do drugs alone but they also see me in pain or just care for me so they share. I feel bad about it though. I don't want our friendship to be based on that! No now my friend and I are both broke. I was gonna spend the money I don't even have to spend,but we can't find any! He says that we are "waiting on the next shippment". Uh! I'm so frustrated.
Perhaps Sean had been keeping me happy too. Now I'm not even hearing from him. We are on a break. I really let him down and he said that he just couldn't take not being able to depend on me anymore and he couldn't take the fighting. IDK He said he does want to be with me though. He does care enough about me that he could see us moving in together but right now things are just getting worse. I pray it works out.
Right now, I just don't care about anything anymore. I don't feel motivated to go and find a job that is going to gives me more hours other than I need more money to spend on drugs. I'm not motivated to go to school or clean and do the chores.
It seems like I have to be high on something ALL the time. My brain is always saying, meth, meth, meth (I don't have any physical signs of addiction like my friend does sometimes) but I'll take any drug. I don't remember the last time I was sober. I just don't see the point. I hate my life. I hate me. Even when I'm high, why would I want to feel like that, feeling it more, sober?
I have no idea where my life is going or what has become of me. There used to be a happy person in there somewhere. Who was content with her life, had a job that she was ok with, happy with her movement upwards in college and in a wonderful healthy relationship.
*Sigh*
I really need to start taking my meds again.
Right now I feel so alone that I go grab my kitty and have him sleep by me when I'm home because I can pet him and I don't feel so alone. That's really pathetic. I might as well be the cat lady or something.
oh and it doesn't help that with all the issues going on I turned my arm into a meat jigsaw puzzle. Fuck, now I have to hide that during the summer! I know customers saw it at work cause my shirt didn't always cover it when I moved.
It's sad how it is seen. THey automatically assume that you're crazy or emo or want attention. Not that you are in pain and have a desire to let out that pain and have comfort.
I guess if anyone reads this I'd value a comment. It's really had for me to have a logical view on things, I think that is even more true now.
P.S. Yes, I know I should have listened. I'm stupid. That is nothing new to me.
I am depressed. It clicked the other day that I was depressed. I don't know if the meth and other drugs were replacing the meds so I didn't have the crazy mood cycles I do sometimes. Now I've had to go 2 nights without any meth. Popping my pills and smoking some weed to try to quiet the monster a little bit. I dunno, sometimes my friends eel bad enough for me that they share their drugs with me. Well not many people want to do drugs alone but they also see me in pain or just care for me so they share. I feel bad about it though. I don't want our friendship to be based on that! No now my friend and I are both broke. I was gonna spend the money I don't even have to spend,but we can't find any! He says that we are "waiting on the next shippment". Uh! I'm so frustrated.
Perhaps Sean had been keeping me happy too. Now I'm not even hearing from him. We are on a break. I really let him down and he said that he just couldn't take not being able to depend on me anymore and he couldn't take the fighting. IDK He said he does want to be with me though. He does care enough about me that he could see us moving in together but right now things are just getting worse. I pray it works out.
Right now, I just don't care about anything anymore. I don't feel motivated to go and find a job that is going to gives me more hours other than I need more money to spend on drugs. I'm not motivated to go to school or clean and do the chores.
It seems like I have to be high on something ALL the time. My brain is always saying, meth, meth, meth (I don't have any physical signs of addiction like my friend does sometimes) but I'll take any drug. I don't remember the last time I was sober. I just don't see the point. I hate my life. I hate me. Even when I'm high, why would I want to feel like that, feeling it more, sober?
I have no idea where my life is going or what has become of me. There used to be a happy person in there somewhere. Who was content with her life, had a job that she was ok with, happy with her movement upwards in college and in a wonderful healthy relationship.
*Sigh*
I really need to start taking my meds again.
Right now I feel so alone that I go grab my kitty and have him sleep by me when I'm home because I can pet him and I don't feel so alone. That's really pathetic. I might as well be the cat lady or something.
oh and it doesn't help that with all the issues going on I turned my arm into a meat jigsaw puzzle. Fuck, now I have to hide that during the summer! I know customers saw it at work cause my shirt didn't always cover it when I moved.
It's sad how it is seen. THey automatically assume that you're crazy or emo or want attention. Not that you are in pain and have a desire to let out that pain and have comfort.
I guess if anyone reads this I'd value a comment. It's really had for me to have a logical view on things, I think that is even more true now.
P.S. Yes, I know I should have listened. I'm stupid. That is nothing new to me.
