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The ONLY thing stopping me from KILLING myself is guilt.

Morphoid

Morphoid

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 31, 2010
Messages
256
Location
United Kingdom
I'm not here for sympathy, I really don't deserve that - I just feel it would help to explain what I'm feeling. I want to kill myself as I've lost everything I care about and my life is nothing anymore. My lying to those closest to me to hide parts of my drug use and it's destroying the relationships irreparably. The only thing stopping me is that I can't deal with the pain it would cause those around me who care about me; namely my parents, sibling, grandparents and friends.

My plan is to take 75 x 7.5mg zopiclone tablets, 21 x 2mg eszopiclone tablets, 28 x 20mg fluoxetine capsules, 48mg of buprenorphine (intravenously), 64 x codeine and ibuprofen (12.8/200mg) tablets, 28 x 20mg citalopram tablets, 20 x 100mg diphenhydramine amps (intravenously) and wash the tabs and caps down with a bottle of Vladivar vodka. I've done my calculations and although I'm opioid dependent and tolerant and tolerant to the zopiclone, the combination of all should kill me, as long as I am not discovered for around 12 hours after administration. It's highly likely I'll vomit and lose some of the orally administered drugs, but I'm hoping that the anti-emetic effects of the diphenhydramine IV will hold that off for a while. Obviously the order I do them in will not be as above, as the bupe and diph injections hold the potential to render me instantly unconscious - so they will be last.

I've gone through this again and again in my mind, and I think there's around a 75% it will kill me. The problem is, I cannot deal with the guilt of the family member who finds my body - I can't do that to my family and friends; it's evil. But that guilt is preventing me doing what I so desperately want to do; die.

I want to die so very badly.
 
I can relate to this feeling. I have started to think more and more about suicide, and the only thing that really holds me back is destroying my family and those who love me.

Nonimally, I become suicidal when I am withdrawing (my case, tramadol), but one thing that I've found is that whenever I feel like really wanting to commit suicide, is to get high on drugs. Then, when bliss is achieve, I will write down those reasons why I should remain alive. The drug euphoria and artificial happiness makes me want to dig deep into looking for reasons, and I find reasons that I would not otherwise find when I feel like shite and want to die.

When I'm feeling like dying, looking at the piece of paper I wrote when I was high gives me some hope that not all is lost and that there are reasons to continue. As a last measure, I would suggest you to do that if you really are about to call it quits.

Also, from your cocktail, I can see a huge potential for serotonin syndrome and still making it through. In that case, and if someone doesn't see you for 12 hours, be aware that you run a big risk of irreparably fvcking yourself up but not die; I am 100% that if this happened, you'd have wish to not have attempted suicide in the first place (you could easily end up with brain damage only and confined to a wheel chair for the rest of your life, placign a real burden to your family).

Having said all of this, I can really relate to how you feel as it has been a common introspective topic of mine for these last weeks.
 
Hang in there man.
You only get one life to live.. Surely it can be a struggle at times, but it really is not something that deserves to go to waste.
There is help all around you, you say you have loved ones who would be distraught over the discovery of your death..
Don't put them through that sort of torture man Find help. Speak to your family, maybe if you told them how you are feeling it could lift some of the negative energy off your shoulders.
If you can't speak to them, maybe see a counsellor?
There are so many ways you can change your life, just give yourself a chance, please!
 
Thanks for the responses guys. I really appreciate it. And Anonymator, you're right about the potential for SS, it had occurred to me, but I was hoping the massive CNS and respiratory depression might have negated the concern. Perhaps if I cut out the fluoxetine - sorry, I don't know why I'm talking as if I'm going to do it right now. I want to do it, but you're right about everything - I just can't see a way out.
 
It's really not worth it man.
Anoymator is right too. A failed suicide attempt has the potential to leave you with massive, massive life long regrets.
<3
Never hesitate to contact us here.
 
Morphoid said:
Thanks for the responses guys. I really appreciate it. And Anonymator, you're right about the potential for SS, it had occurred to me, but I was hoping the massive CNS and respiratory depression might have negated the concern. Perhaps if I cut out the fluoxetine - sorry, I don't know why I'm talking as if I'm going to do it right now. I want to do it, but you're right about everything - I just can't see a way out.
Click to expand...

There is no way out, only a way back. You cannot see it, but it is there. It is coming. It will get better. It happened to me. I know it will happen for you too.
Stay with us.
 
I suffer from guilt a lot too. It's what often brings me back to using.

I don't think you should kill yourself, but the advice that I'm going to offer is that you should try and distance yourself a bit from those you feel like you've wronged. Do you still live with your parents (or sibling or grandparents)? If so, what's the likelihood of getting out on your own?

I know that when I see the faces, hear the voices, and so on, of those I feel I've wronged, it makes the bad memories come back, and with that comes the guilt and shame. It's probably best to distance yourself from that, get yourself clean on your own (or with the help of others), and then after some type try and reintegrate those people back into your life.
 
I can totally relate to this. If it wasnt for the guilt I would feel about putting my mom through the pain, I would have done it a long time ago. I just wanna stop drinking and taking benzos. I try but every night Im in the "one last hit" mentality and it never ends. It never ends.
 
I don't know if this is useful to you Morphoid, but a man named Dr. David Hawkins wrote a book called "Power vs. Force" where he rated various states of human consciousness from 0 to 1000 in terms of vibrational levels. 0 is death and 1000 is basically enlightenment. (You can read up on his methodology, I can't quite re-word it here; it's sort of like how they do happiness quotients.)

Shame is the closest to death at 20. Guilt is 30. Anger is 150. Courage is is 200, and neutrality is 250. Forgiveness is 350 and love is 500.

What I learned through reading his work is that, of the emotions closer to the vibration of death, anger is the most useful. Being angry is not fun, but learning to get angry helped me to get out of my depression. Anger forces you to take action, it is a force that can be channelled. You can get angry and smash stuff or you can get angry and decide you aren't going to take this shit anymore. Either way, anger has more force, and it's the gateway to courage. As anger makes you take action, you realize what you can and cannot do, and usually what you CAN do is more than you expected. So you develop courage.

Once you have some courage, stuff doesn't bother you as much so you are able to achieve neutrality. Then it goes up from there.

So my advice to you is... get angry. It's better than feeling guilt or shame which paralyze you. At least you can do something with anger.
 
I too have been feeling the same way. I have been thinking of suicide alot and how to do it. I have considered OD and using my husbands 9 mm. I feel he would be happier with me "gone". I just hate who i am, what i have become. I have caused him so much pain. I feel he deserves so much better than a piece of shit like me. I literally have no one to talk to about how i feel. The only thing that is really stopping me from going through with suicide are my children.
 
OP, how are you feeling? Have things lightened at all since you first posted this? Are you getting any kind of psychological counseling or help? Have you let your family members know how depressed and discouraged you are? Or any RL friends? When I was at my worst with suicidal feelings and I had isolated with them on my own I actually got some relief and actual help by calling a crisis line. It seems ridiculous maybe but one of the people I talked to for about 1/2 hour one night actually said some things in a way that helped me turn things around in my own head.

@cheeko Your children not only need you but they need you to show them how to get out of life's difficulties. Can you get some help? Rehab? Hang in there and fight.<3
 
I have been through rehab, on antidepression meds and going to a psyciatrist.. Not sure what else to do
 
I would usually stay away from this kind of stuff (not qualified etc) but the calculations you've made (working out the likelihood of success and doses) is stuff that can get you sectioned in the UK. If the guilt is the only thing stopping you then you need some crisis intervention. If you don't mind being put on section II (I think?) then you'll be put in a secure unit for 28 days. First few days you're on 24 hour watch, slowly you get more freedom until you're allowed out of the institution to go the shops (although they will give a description of you to the police in case you don't come back).

So, you'll be guilty (well you won't you'll be dead) but you'll probably be guilty if you get sectioned and have your family visit you in an institution. But I think they'd prefer to know your safe rather than find you blue in the morning. There's help out there, just be careful with sharing those details if you're not totally sure as I guarantee you that you will be sectioned under the mental health act. I've had to get an old chum sectioned but he was a dangerous guy and it this was 12 years ago. Been institutionalised 5 times since. Don't go down this round fella, it can screw up your whole life. If you gave those sort of details to a medical professional you would be detained I promise. There's a strict line between suicidal ideation and actual planning (when authorities intervene) If you're for real (and sadly I actually fear you are) maybe you need to go to a unit. Wouldn't recommend it (never experienced it first hand) but it can taint you for life. But good luck. Being raised a catholic, guilt is a killer but suicide is the ultimate sin (despairing of God's love) so never an option for me!

Help is available, even going to A&E if you're desperate but just to reiterate, those details will result in your freedom being restricted. But if it saves you, then do it. Anything's better than throwing in the towell.
 
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