CatfishRivers
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2004
- Messages
- 2,180
Welp I am going to quit once again tonight (this'll be about my 5th or 6th try). I spent this morning meditating telling my future self to remember to buy the patch on the way home from work tonight. Hopefully I remember 
The hardest part for me is not starting again b/c my gf smokes and often encourages me to "go outside" with her (that is our euphemism for smoking a cig, since we only smoke outside where we live). The other part is that I know for a fact that it helps me manage my stress, which has been unbearable of late. Despite my huge hunger for life and living, lately I find the totality of my stressors starts my mind off thinking about death and suicide and such. My rational self is able to recognise these thoughts as rubbish, but then they pop in my head nonetheless and compared to the way I feel, the scales seem to tip ever so slightly in the wrong direction. The reason I am laying this on you guys is that when I smoke cigs, I seem able to work through these moments and refocus. Maybe I should talk to my doc about wellbutrin...I could use the mood and a side of clean lungs to go...that'd be a nicee Happy Meal.
I need some luck this time around...

The hardest part for me is not starting again b/c my gf smokes and often encourages me to "go outside" with her (that is our euphemism for smoking a cig, since we only smoke outside where we live). The other part is that I know for a fact that it helps me manage my stress, which has been unbearable of late. Despite my huge hunger for life and living, lately I find the totality of my stressors starts my mind off thinking about death and suicide and such. My rational self is able to recognise these thoughts as rubbish, but then they pop in my head nonetheless and compared to the way I feel, the scales seem to tip ever so slightly in the wrong direction. The reason I am laying this on you guys is that when I smoke cigs, I seem able to work through these moments and refocus. Maybe I should talk to my doc about wellbutrin...I could use the mood and a side of clean lungs to go...that'd be a nicee Happy Meal.
I need some luck this time around...