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the number of times i should've died

gay.in.texas

gay.in.texas

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2012
Messages
49
Location
texas, duh
the other day i read a story about someone (the same age as i was when i was using the heaviest) who died of an overdose. since then i keep thinking about the number of nights that that person couldve been me. it makes me feel like an incredibly selfish and inconsiderate person considering what this wouldve done to people that i sincerely care very deeply for. but more than that it just makes me feel lucky, and like i was meant to have that experience, and somehow i can turn it into a positive in the long run. i decided to post this thread because i know im not the first person to have this thought. i guess im just curious if it makes any others feel a sense of hopefulness as well, or am i just being selfish now by not feeling as bad about it as i probably should?
 
the past is the past man. a lot of us should be dead. you should feel hopefull, what other option is there? feel like shit? that ain't gonna get you anywhere. I feel a lot of guilt and I've felt that selfish feeling many times. I don't think it can surpass the natural hedonistic nature of heavy drug use though. don't worry so much. let go.

"not feeling as bad as I should" seems like a crazy statement. let your emotions come and go naturally. you are who you are. instead of trying to fix everything try to work with what ya got.
 
One of my best friends just died of an overdose.
She was brain dead.
Her parents had to make the decision to pull the plug.
Don't put loved ones in that position.
 
We all have gone through extreme rough and likely dangerous times in our lives. There's no point of living in the past, if I were to focus on everything I've done in the past id be very depressed and too sad to go on with my daily life. Focus on the moment and try to realize we all make mistakes along the way. Living in the moment, although at times it's hard is the best way. Life is good for the most part, keep your head up and everything is going to be ok
 
I used to do this when I would think back to when I was drinking way too much booze, and I saw people close to me OD on it or have to go to the ER since they'd drank too much.

The point is that you're alive in the here and now, and it's not good to obsess or focus on the past or about negative things in the past.

Just learn a lesson and move on. I no longer drink as much as I used to in large quantities daily like I did in my early 20s, and I don't use any illegal drugs now or even legal ones like how people will get prescribed benzos or opiates.
 
If I think about it it destroys me and I end up in a horrible thought loop. So I just try to be thankful that I am alive today, trust there is a reason why I am, and go on with my life and learn from it all.
 
GIT, i feel you man.. many times ive woken up at the hospital, or woke up in bed and thought how?
i look at it as, i was meant to go through that, and its to make me stronger. Thats the best thing to look at when they say what dosent kill you makes you stronger.
For me, it hasnt really changed my look on life, no matter how many od's or accidents..idk. My mind works different, and it didnt really set much off. when id wake up id just go damn..how did i make it through that? shits crazy...

Guess it has a different effect on everyone. Some feel bad, some feel good, some dont feel much at all.
 
About my 15th or 20th friend died over the weekend. He left behind a daughter and a wife. While he was dying another one of my friends in another part of the country had a stroke, comatose, but is back out of it....and high at this moment. He said its about the 4th time he has fell out in the past 4 months. I hate this shit. Its bad man I lose people all the time and have came close too many times.
I don't dwell on that shit though I'm trying to stick around.
 
I have come close a few times, the closest being when I had a strong dose of opiates and then had some Valiums, put on a movie to watch, instead of nodding I found myself slowly drifting off and unable to stop it. I woke up, the movie had finished and I realised later on, when reading about respiratory depression, how close I had come (this occured back in my less Harm Reduction and naive days)...

I mean, feeling selfish about dying and hurting your loved ones is normal, but it also depends where you come from. For me, I would feel sad if I die and my family are crying, but I am still angry at not been given the choice if I wanted to be born or not. I hate life, so do my parents feel guilty about bringing me into this shit ass world? I am starting to think about NOT having kids because of this...

Feeling selfish about almost dying, is just a little scratch on the envelope of a massive debate that can be had on a subject like this. Have to move on, if your time is up, trust me you won't be here, enjoy it while you are. Nothing on this earth is 100% certain except DEATH.
 
Sorry I havent been on much the last couple days, but thank you all for the responses, and for the reassurance that I am looking at it the right way most of the time.
 
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