LonglostJbird
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2016
- Messages
- 9
Hello,
I've been referencing this site for years for all kinds of great info, i love all the honesty. I just formally joined because Im definitely in a place where I need guidance/ support/ conversation.
Im from san francisco, i have 7 years clean from my loves- heroin and crack. What an affair we had. I got down to get up. Then back down. I hit the limit, I hit the 12 step lifestyle.
It worked cause i worked it
Unfortunately, I got a career in the medical feild, my specialty is psychatric/mental illness. I mainly stick to adult units, but I dabbled in adolescent MI. One fateful double shift I was looking after a big, strong young man w/ psychosis due to a substance (PCP). I got assaulted. My line of work- not uncommon. But I got it bad. When help arrived, it got worse and i was in some sort of headlock turned strangling.
I soon found out I had to completely herniated discs in my neck, and my shoulder was torqued and now My right shoulder has complete muscle atrophy.
Point is, pain meds. Pain management , for someone thats clean....not good. So it began: MRIS, cat scans, surgeries, PT, spinal epidurals... Norco, percocets, oxycodone 5, oxycodone 30s, tramadol, subutex, norco. Then more norco. Pain got horrible. Working 40+ hours, body is in constant motion. I have to restrain grown men and combative women all the time. But i hurt. And all i got was norco (thats what i get for telling drs i was an addict). So whats a girl to do? My boyfriend started getting me roxi 30s. Wow, real expensive. Then.... Boyfriend goes to rehab, i start getting them. Biweekly, then weekly, then two or three times a week. More more more pain pain pain i need 240mg for my shift.
So here i am, day 2 of subutex. I told my doctor my concsious was killing me. Truth. I miss going to meetings, but the guilt held me back. No one has a clue how bad it was. I was still always working, and well. But i knew. 96% of every paycheck to those tiny blue angels. I couldn't.
Trying to do the right thing, while respecting the pain. Im hurting. My neck is decent today, then again, ive been on my back 36 hours. I feel miserable, ive done subs before but never had such a horrible induction as this one. I want to give up. I feel like subs will NEVER be able to even put a DENT in my pain. I want to give up. Just one more day with my little blues, right? No!
Fuck... I want to keep my earned money. I dont want to hurt myself, im too young to be so broken. But it just truly feels like my body is horribly BROKEN.
I want to see this through. Why arent the subs taking care of my w/ds?! Wtf isnt that their job? Im scared of everything right now. Im just scared of everything. Tomorrow, going back to work this friday... Fuck. How am i going to survive with subutex as PM?
I guess that was my introduction. If you read it all, im sorry. I guess i had a lot to say. Or think. Either way, im sorry.
I've been referencing this site for years for all kinds of great info, i love all the honesty. I just formally joined because Im definitely in a place where I need guidance/ support/ conversation.
Im from san francisco, i have 7 years clean from my loves- heroin and crack. What an affair we had. I got down to get up. Then back down. I hit the limit, I hit the 12 step lifestyle.
It worked cause i worked it
Unfortunately, I got a career in the medical feild, my specialty is psychatric/mental illness. I mainly stick to adult units, but I dabbled in adolescent MI. One fateful double shift I was looking after a big, strong young man w/ psychosis due to a substance (PCP). I got assaulted. My line of work- not uncommon. But I got it bad. When help arrived, it got worse and i was in some sort of headlock turned strangling.
I soon found out I had to completely herniated discs in my neck, and my shoulder was torqued and now My right shoulder has complete muscle atrophy.
Point is, pain meds. Pain management , for someone thats clean....not good. So it began: MRIS, cat scans, surgeries, PT, spinal epidurals... Norco, percocets, oxycodone 5, oxycodone 30s, tramadol, subutex, norco. Then more norco. Pain got horrible. Working 40+ hours, body is in constant motion. I have to restrain grown men and combative women all the time. But i hurt. And all i got was norco (thats what i get for telling drs i was an addict). So whats a girl to do? My boyfriend started getting me roxi 30s. Wow, real expensive. Then.... Boyfriend goes to rehab, i start getting them. Biweekly, then weekly, then two or three times a week. More more more pain pain pain i need 240mg for my shift.
So here i am, day 2 of subutex. I told my doctor my concsious was killing me. Truth. I miss going to meetings, but the guilt held me back. No one has a clue how bad it was. I was still always working, and well. But i knew. 96% of every paycheck to those tiny blue angels. I couldn't.
Trying to do the right thing, while respecting the pain. Im hurting. My neck is decent today, then again, ive been on my back 36 hours. I feel miserable, ive done subs before but never had such a horrible induction as this one. I want to give up. I feel like subs will NEVER be able to even put a DENT in my pain. I want to give up. Just one more day with my little blues, right? No!
Fuck... I want to keep my earned money. I dont want to hurt myself, im too young to be so broken. But it just truly feels like my body is horribly BROKEN.
I want to see this through. Why arent the subs taking care of my w/ds?! Wtf isnt that their job? Im scared of everything right now. Im just scared of everything. Tomorrow, going back to work this friday... Fuck. How am i going to survive with subutex as PM?
I guess that was my introduction. If you read it all, im sorry. I guess i had a lot to say. Or think. Either way, im sorry.
