Well, I went tonight and spent money I shouldn't have on dope. (Meth is called dope here cause we don't really have heroin and crystal is sometimes called ice..)
I had been taking pills all day to try to quiet the craving since we had been unable to find any for the last 2 days or so.
A quarter of a gram runs $30 and $60 for a half. The shit is so expensive and it doesn't last long. I could only allow myself he quarter but between the 3 of us, me, my friend and the dealer. It didn't really cut it. I have only been doing it for about a month so compared to the other 2 guys I'm not as skilled with it nor have the lung capacity, so I don't get as good of a hit and feel a lil jipped.
So I waited until the dealer left and decided I would bang some of it. My friend prepped it for me. I could have done it myself but I didn't want to end up putting too much in, that could be bad. Went down without a hitch, but really, I prefer smoking it. My friend was very happy to hear that. He wasn't too fond of me banging it, he just wasn't going to tell me what to do with my own body and my own dope. It could have been that there wasn't enough in it but I like smoking it better because it has a good rush, you get to enjoy it more, longer, and it is more of a social thing. Needles have such a stigma attached to them that it certainly isn't social.
I will finally admit that I am in deeper into this than I really want to face. I can't believe it only took this long for the cravings to start. I said I was going to maybe do it only once a week but I have been doing it way more than that and when we can't find any that lil green meth monster starts chewing on my brain, "dope, dope, dope, dope". After a couple hits it quiets down and is content for a lil while. But I know it's gonna come back. Really the quarter was just a freaking tease. Just made me want more and of course enough is never enough. So I went and took the last of my Tramadol because it can get me a lil spun up.
I thought that I would be ok since I wasn't taking a whole gram at once. Well I was wrong. Total I think I had taken about 1,300 mgs and once I hit 1,000, I puke. It took awhile to kick in but my friend said my face just drained of all color and I said I didn't feel good.
Great a freaking repeat of the oxy puking episode. But it wasn't too bad, just once. Other than I had eaten VERY little and some,some how came out my nose. Now that was a new gross one for sure! I think it was how I had my head tilted. But I at least feel better now.
My arm really hurts though. It feels like I have a quarter sized bruise where I shot the dope. But there isn't one visible. I had a friend look at it and he says its hard to tell but it looks like a clean shot and I'll be ok. I hope so, I don't wanna try to explain that one! No more for me.
I really need to get a handle on this stuff. Cut back. Hell, I'm kinda motivated to get more hours at work just so that I can have more money to buy dope. That's not good. I'mstarting to worry a little and seeing how this can become very negative but I don't want to quit. Stupid I know, but I like it and I don't want to quit doing it for whatever reason...I really am not 100% sure why. It seems like the more I do it the more I like it or something. Maybe that is what addiction is...
I also wonder what I'm doing to my brain. I already have a lot of issues in there, could I be setting myself up for another psychotic episode?
It just doesn't seem to click.
This just doesn't seem like the girl that would end up banging meth. I feel like I live 2 different lives and actually I kinda do at times because I keep so much hidden. The sweet, up and coming girl who is going to college, and the wild drug using, never high enough party girl. I certainly can't live the last one forever.
I feel lost. I try to work it out in my blogs rather than on the threads. I seem to have a lot of trouble there lately. I don't know if its the meth or what. I think my interaction is normal but perhaps its not. I know that I "talk" a lot more than I set out to but that's kinda normal for any stimulant. I just feel like I don't quite belong anywhere. I'm just some misfit who can't fit anywhere.
I'd be more than willing to talk to anyone about all this through PM, just spare the lecture. I heard the warnings and didn't listen and now I'm getting into trouble. That is my fault, I thought I could handle it. Doesn't everyone who starts it? I just feel the need to talk to someone. I don't know if it's because it's such a secret and it bothers me or I'm just spun.
I had been taking pills all day to try to quiet the craving since we had been unable to find any for the last 2 days or so.
A quarter of a gram runs $30 and $60 for a half. The shit is so expensive and it doesn't last long. I could only allow myself he quarter but between the 3 of us, me, my friend and the dealer. It didn't really cut it. I have only been doing it for about a month so compared to the other 2 guys I'm not as skilled with it nor have the lung capacity, so I don't get as good of a hit and feel a lil jipped.
So I waited until the dealer left and decided I would bang some of it. My friend prepped it for me. I could have done it myself but I didn't want to end up putting too much in, that could be bad. Went down without a hitch, but really, I prefer smoking it. My friend was very happy to hear that. He wasn't too fond of me banging it, he just wasn't going to tell me what to do with my own body and my own dope. It could have been that there wasn't enough in it but I like smoking it better because it has a good rush, you get to enjoy it more, longer, and it is more of a social thing. Needles have such a stigma attached to them that it certainly isn't social.
I will finally admit that I am in deeper into this than I really want to face. I can't believe it only took this long for the cravings to start. I said I was going to maybe do it only once a week but I have been doing it way more than that and when we can't find any that lil green meth monster starts chewing on my brain, "dope, dope, dope, dope". After a couple hits it quiets down and is content for a lil while. But I know it's gonna come back. Really the quarter was just a freaking tease. Just made me want more and of course enough is never enough. So I went and took the last of my Tramadol because it can get me a lil spun up.
I thought that I would be ok since I wasn't taking a whole gram at once. Well I was wrong. Total I think I had taken about 1,300 mgs and once I hit 1,000, I puke. It took awhile to kick in but my friend said my face just drained of all color and I said I didn't feel good.
Great a freaking repeat of the oxy puking episode. But it wasn't too bad, just once. Other than I had eaten VERY little and some,some how came out my nose. Now that was a new gross one for sure! I think it was how I had my head tilted. But I at least feel better now.
My arm really hurts though. It feels like I have a quarter sized bruise where I shot the dope. But there isn't one visible. I had a friend look at it and he says its hard to tell but it looks like a clean shot and I'll be ok. I hope so, I don't wanna try to explain that one! No more for me.
I really need to get a handle on this stuff. Cut back. Hell, I'm kinda motivated to get more hours at work just so that I can have more money to buy dope. That's not good. I'mstarting to worry a little and seeing how this can become very negative but I don't want to quit. Stupid I know, but I like it and I don't want to quit doing it for whatever reason...I really am not 100% sure why. It seems like the more I do it the more I like it or something. Maybe that is what addiction is...
I also wonder what I'm doing to my brain. I already have a lot of issues in there, could I be setting myself up for another psychotic episode?
It just doesn't seem to click.
This just doesn't seem like the girl that would end up banging meth. I feel like I live 2 different lives and actually I kinda do at times because I keep so much hidden. The sweet, up and coming girl who is going to college, and the wild drug using, never high enough party girl. I certainly can't live the last one forever.
I feel lost. I try to work it out in my blogs rather than on the threads. I seem to have a lot of trouble there lately. I don't know if its the meth or what. I think my interaction is normal but perhaps its not. I know that I "talk" a lot more than I set out to but that's kinda normal for any stimulant. I just feel like I don't quite belong anywhere. I'm just some misfit who can't fit anywhere.
I'd be more than willing to talk to anyone about all this through PM, just spare the lecture. I heard the warnings and didn't listen and now I'm getting into trouble. That is my fault, I thought I could handle it. Doesn't everyone who starts it? I just feel the need to talk to someone. I don't know if it's because it's such a secret and it bothers me or I'm just spun.
