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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

The mess I've gotten myself into - what's your opinion?

Hun please listen to all the good advice above. You gotta get help NOW. Or you are going to be me with 3 kids and 1 on the way and just getting out from under a heavy opiate addiction. I am trying to care for a toddler with no energy and no motivation and pregnant on top of it. I was young with 1 kid and settled down with a man at 21 and had 1 more by 24. But we still thought we could party here and there. Well, he is able to party on occasion for a night and put it to bed. But not me and it almost ruined our marriage. I had another kid in the interim (always stay clean during pregnancy except a very small dose of methadone prescribed. I always stayed at a much lower dose than what the doc even recommended).

But I would be alone with 3 kids and kicking has been SO tough with them. Like I said, no energy, no motivation. Sometimes, I just hate life. We are so broke because of all the money that mostly I blew on drugs. Can't give my kids the things they deserve, now have another coming. Please don't end up like me, at 34 and just starting to get clean and figure out life, getting out from under all this shit seems impossible at times...
 
Just another thought:

Have you considered the possibility that you have an anxiety disorder and partying is your coping mechanism?

There are some really great prescription medications for treating such disorders.

To use myself as an example, I abused Norco (at the rate of 24 a day) before I was given the simple diagnosis of OCD. I was self medicating all the racing thoughts and sleepless nights with the wrong medicine; maybe you're doing the same thing?

With the right meds, my anxiety is close to zero....

I'm no psychologist but I have studied (as a hobby, ironically) the psychology of addiction.
 
With the exception of codeine and tramadol (once), I've never taken opiates so I can't fully imagine what the craving feels like (although tobacco and mephedrone have taught me a lot about addiction).

Bottom line, no ifs or buts or just this one times, DO NOT TAKE ANY OPIATES AT ALL, EVER. There are plenty of non-addictive uppers out there if you want to party, and benzodiazepines are good if you need a downer.

Bear in mind that benzos are also addictive, and the withdrawal is apparently very similar to opiate withdrawal. Personally I take benzos frequently but not regularly, my absolute rule with them is to never take them for more than 14 days in a row, and my real world rule/behaviour is not to take them for more than a couple of days, and also to vary the type I take. For info, I have varying access to diazepam (Valium), temazepam and alprazolam (Xanax) - I also have access to the non-benzo zolpidem (Ambien), but although this is good for sleep I personally find it's a bit heavy and I have a muddy head in the morning.

As a not recommended but incredibly effective sleeper, I also have some quetiapine (Seroquel). The one time I took 25mg (half a tablet for fuck's sake!) I overslept by five hours.
 
You guys have all been so kind when I was expecting a bunch of posts calling me an idiot. <3

You've also convinced me I should probably go talk to someone. Someone mentioned i could maybe be dealing with a bit of postpartum depression, another said anxiety, and neither is far fetched as I've been on meds and saw a counselor for both depression and anxiety in the past. I'm also pretty sure I can contribute part of this to discontinuing my sub maintenance?

I talked to my husband a little lastnight, and he agrees I should go see someone. I think I am going to start with my addiction specialist doc, the one who had me on the suboxone maintenance, see what he says and then take it from there.

All of your posts have been so helpful. I have spent a good 2 hours going over all of them. I sincerely want to do whats best for my family, but yet I am just SO TORN. I feel like this isn't the path I was meant to take at all. Before I got with my husband I swore I'd never settle down too soon, and somehow I did just that.

Today, I feel like I could go out and get high and do it just once in a while. But there's days I am so crazy about it, it literally drives me mad that I am not able to do that, and thats the part of me that scares me and thinks I could get out of hand again (I started this thread in the middle of feeling like that).

Also, in my brief discussion with my husband lastnight I told him we should try going out like once a month (drugfree) and going to a club or even just going to a movie, and he amazingly agreed (probably just to shut me up though?) Someone said hes a bit slowpaced for me. Thats very true but I love him, and he tries so very hard to keep me happy while holding onto his morals. He's such an amazing person.

On a totally diff side note.. my daughter smiles at me ALL THE TIME now and that makes me so so happy. <3 It's honestly a high all its own.

You guys are wonderful, thank you.
 
I think you've answered your own question. :)

Go see that doc and explain the situation. You WILL find that, over time, natural endorphin rushes are much better than anything you can find in a pill. Usually,lol.
 
You are 22 and have a kid. Your youth is gone, deal with it.

You should not be doing drugs. If you want to drink or smoke weed (to a reasonable degree), go for it. But you should not be doing oxys or doing any drug outside of that, and not doing drugs regularly at all.

Its time to grow up
 
^ lol your youth is not gone. Maybe his is. Poor him T_T

Having a kid doesn't = miserable life. Watching your child grow will always be a source of inspiration for you. Also, have fun in any way you can, jsut don't be a total fuck up :P
 
Hey hun, I just wanted to throw out there, I have dealt with post partum depression with all 3 of my kids, gets worse every time. I had a great midwife that really helped me this last time. Something she suggested is Evening Primrose oil. It is not just great for PPD, it is an overall mood enhancer. And if you google it, you will find that it has lots of health benefits for women. I felt the effects within a week. If you shop around you can find more inexpensive versions as some can get pricey.

Also, keeping communication open with your husband is very important. I know you are realizing that maybe you are not a "perfect" match, but that doesn't mean you can't make it work. The compromises that you guys have already come to are a great start. Marriage is not always easy, it takes ALOT of work (been with my husband 13 years btw). And our marriage is FAR from perfect and there were times and still are were I have felt like you. But I am so glad that I did not split up my family to go find mister perfect. He is likely just a fairly tale. No marriage is like the ones in the romance novels and movies where you ride into the sunset with prince fucking charming. If you guys love each other, that is all you need, along with the desire to communicate and work towards the kind of relationship you want to have. Good luck hun and if you ever need to talk to someone about PPD or whatever, I am here. (although not sure I can pm yet but you can always pm me with an email if you can).
 
edit: i apologize my english is not so good.

I don't think you need to worry about your youth going away, since judging by your post you're still very childish.

You say that partying with you husband was a really good time and that in a way you would like to return to that. Well you can't make a real life by partying and doing drugs. Many have tried and pretty much everybody fails at it. If you don't go down that road you're really not missing much....except a few hangovers.

Fun can be achived in other drug non-related ways. You should work on that.

As your life is set now - a husband you love, two children....this can be the founding of much greater happiness than all the parties your going to miss combined.

You must think ahead. Think ahead for ten years. What do you want to be in ten years time?? A partied out thirty something??? I know a bunch of those and they are baiscly not such great people...their life experience is shallow - parties and drugs. wow, how great, NOT!!

You will do much better for yourself to learn to enjoy the simple life --> this is the source of true happiness.

All the glitzy decadence, the drugs, the weird sex, the glamour ---> it is all very short term and really not so great as it is made out to be. Ask yourself what would I rather miss out on: wild parties, getting fucked up or your family, a chance to live the good life?

Just because you're a parent it doesn't mean you can't do some stuff once in a while....but certainly making a career out of drug use and partying is something I would not wish on anyone.

You're probably missing the carefree life, but a carefree life is in a way a life without worth. At the end of the party, the drug binge, you have nothing left that is of some value. Assuming your responsibilites as a parent and wife...that is something of great value!! Don't throw it away, because if you do, it is in a way like throwing yourself away.

You are now an example for your children, 2 of them, like it or not....this is your reality. You must be wise and represent bravely who you are and the choices that you made.
 
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I did the same thing really young, and we had a three year old daughter. He wasn't as smart as your husband about stopping the drug use, and he and I were fuctioning addicts. So we thought until he died in 1998. He overdosed on methodone after a cocaine binge. He didn't do it intentionally, but we thought we could handle it. I didn't like methodone or I would have died with him. Where would that of left my 3 year old? It is hard sometimes because I feel so guilty, and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. It just happens, and when it does, you just have to go on best you can until some time passes. Then heal. So is it really worth the "birthday binge?" Thats what we called our's as well, a "blowing off steam from being parents and work binge." No matter the name of the binge, it is a dangerous situation. Know the chance your taking because you know, "It will not end there." You know that in your heart of hearts. PM me if you want to talk.
 
I feel ya, I went from the average chap with no responsibilities lifestyle till I met my fiance who was 4 months pregnant at the time. That was 7 years ago.

I've got a receding hairline and I'm going grey - last 7 years have flown by .... I try not to think too deeply into it, for the obvious reasons.

Nothing worse than doing an all-nighter on stims then having to sit and watch CBEEBIES or Barney the fucking bear with your kids at 7am after 48 hours of no sleep and the onset of a hangover / come-down :D

Parties are a night of pleasure but often followed by days of bullshit - your children will be there everyday and their futures depend you.

I still dabble occasionally, but we do it together.
 
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