TDS The man who raped my sister.

[somethingsomeonejr]

I don't post here that often, and usually I'm bad at replies. My apologies. I'm working on it.

A long story shrunk;
A few years ago my sister was raped in a car by two guys.
She was drugged and her friend left her passed out with two creeps.

This, as her big brother, has literally destroyed me.
Growing up I had always been there to protect them. They had big mouths and my body paid the checks.
I took and gave beatings for them. If they started some shit, I finished it, and then I'd shake some sense into my sister, sayin this is the last time I do this.
Of course, those of you who have sister, you'd swallow mercury and walk through hellfire to save them.

I was already doing drugs, but after this, I went to harder drugs.
I live in another country. I felt like I had failed.
I didn't know who they were. I couldn't get any names.
I just knew that what I loved above all had been reduced to a shell on 6 mg klonopin a day.

My sister knows though. She didn't press charges.
She wants to take care of it herself.

And I respect that.
But now I know who one of them is.
And all those years of beating my fist on the floors and slashing my knife at the walls, picturing their faceless bodies mutilated and desecrated, finally has a face to direct all this anger and hatred and black putrid tar that's clogging every artery in me.

But I can't, because this is about my sister. About making what makes her feel better. What helps her, not me.
If she wants to gut him, she should be the one holding the knife.
If she wants to forget it all and wants me to do the same, that's what I'll do, if it makes her feel better.

But how do I overcome this fierce feeling of inflicting him with sharp objects and clenched fists?
How do I not want to or actually commits to, crush him under my shoe like the bug he is?

I want put some bennies in his drinks, shoot him up with a homemade Datura-tincture, chain him to a chair with a ball of barbwire in his mouth while I break his every bone and I will eat his fucking flesh while making him watch.

You see? This, 24fucking7.

How do I forgive and forget?
My life is in a downward spiral and I've been falling for a few years. The purpose of breathing is questioned, and suicide often pondered.
I wouldn't mind doing time if I got caught. This makes it all so tempting.


Before you go on about moral and murder is always wrong, I want you to picture your sister or mother getting ravaged and left naked in a ditch.

This became more of a rant. I had to ventilate. I can't talk with my friends about this. My sister doesn't want to be the girl who got raped.


The only thing keeping me back is me not wanting to hurt my sister, more than she has been.
I know this is an ego-thing. I should let go, turn the other cheek.
But how the fuck to I do that, when my every instinct is to reduce the population of this planet by one human, with my own hands.

 

[BlueMerlin]

You'll just have to respect your sisters' wishes and respect her way of dealing with it, if you'd react against her will then it'll be a selfish act, and your sister will only be angry at you for not respecting her wish.

I know very well how it feels, someone who is very close (there's no person closer to me) was raped by her own father for an extended period of time, the day I found out all I could think of was murder, even 15 years later I just want to end his life, I've seen him plenty of times, one time I drove right next to him when he was on his bicycle, the urge to take action right then was incredible, but you'll just have to live with it, control yourself and hope you'll never have to face the guys responsible for these acts.

Good luck!

Edit:
I've struggled with this for many many years as well, the amount of pure hatred and thoughts of retribution will last for a long time still, but eventually you will learn to deal with it, some things just take a very long time before they become more tolerable.

My brother in law's wife - (they were separated that time, but got back together and married not long after this event) - was raped as well by two "friends" who kidnapped her to a rented cabin where they raped her for 2 days in a row, and were actually planning to cannibalize her, the police was able to prevent it by sheer luck, one guy was beaten up for this, and that's it, he also found a way to deal with it, and so will you, trust me.

 

[Felonious Monk]

Has your sister been to therapy? Has she talked to anyone? Pretending it didn't happen by not doing anything does not count as "taking care of it herself."

Not saying that I condone your datura plan (though I do tbh), your sister needs emotional support.

 

[somethingsomeonejr]

You'll just have to respect your sisters' wishes and respect her way of dealing with it, if you'd react against her will then it'll be a selfish act, and your sister will only be angry at you for not respecting her wish.

I know very well how it feels, someone who is very close (there's no person closer to me) was raped by her own father for an extended period of time, the day I found out all I could think of was murder, even 15 years later I just want to end his life, I've seen him plenty of times, one time I drove right next to him when he was on his bicycle, the urge to take action right then was incredible, but you'll just have to live with it, control yourself and hope you'll never have to face the guys responsible for these acts.

Good luck!

Edit:
I've struggled with this for many many years as well, the amount of pure hatred and thoughts of retribution will last for a long time still, but eventually you will learn to deal with it, some things just take a very long time before they become more tolerable.

My brother in law's wife - (they were separated that time, but got back together and married not long after this event) - was raped as well by two "friends" who kidnapped her to a rented cabin where they raped her for 2 days in a row, and were actually planning to cannibalize her, the police was able to prevent it by sheer luck, one guy was beaten up for this, and that's it, he also found a way to deal with it, and so will you, trust me.

Thank you so much for that response.
As I said, I would never do anything if my actions against others were to hurt my sister.

Also, the content made me furious. And sad.

But if she deicides that she's done with it, and she doesn't mind me doing what I need to do, the ape inside will flash fangs and tear flesh.
Need to do. As if I need it. It would probably make it so much worse, but I'm just so fucking weary with anger. It needs to spill out.

 

[somethingsomeonejr]

Has your sister been to therapy? Has she talked to anyone? Pretending it didn't happen by not doing anything does not count as "taking care of it herself."

Not saying that I condone your datura plan (though I do tbh), your sister needs emotional support.

Yes, she's been talking to people. She can talk about it now with me, which is a major improvement.
At the moment, she's seems to have gotten over it more than I have.
She's no longer a klonopin-zombie; she's got a job and a boyfriend, a really good dude, and they just got a new apartment.

And by taking care of it, it translates to; she will cut him down herself.
They needed four cops to keep her down once. She's 5,2' and 99 pounds.
So, yeah, she can and has been taking care of herself for a couple of years.
It's just hard to break someones nose when you're passed out on GHB with a dick inside you.

I have the seeds already. Switchblade and chloroform.
My mind sees only violence and what scares me is that it doesn't anymore.

I walk around drunk at night with brass knuckle in hope that some local huligans will be out looking for a punchbag.

I'm waiting for a go or a stop.

I've said this to my therapist. She was like, you need zoloft boy.

 

[BlueMerlin]

This is all perfectly normal, the pure hatred will last a very long time, but one thing is completely impossible, and that is to keep it all for yourself, inside, I was asked the same, never talk about this to anyone, her father was never punished for his deeds so the feeling of injustice is just so great, you feel like there's only one option and that is to take proper revenge, but in the end it'll make everything so much worse, not only for yourself, but your sister will have no use for you when you're in jail either.The satisfaction of revenge is only temporary but the results will influence the rest of your life, talking about it can help a lot.

Once you analyzed the problem, which is probably the extreme feeling of injustice and the need to take care of business, or even vent it on someone else, once you really know what's eating you up inside, try to address that problem.

You're already in therapy, so that's a huge step, if that's not helping then maybe you should consider medication, like your therapist already advised, not to numb you down but just to help you place things, to find a certain peace of mind, process the anger and learn to deal with it.

I swear, all it needs is time, I've seen many black days in my life, not only because of this of course, was in psychiatric care 3 times, totaling to over a year of my life, etc..
Pain is not forever, and even though it might seem to last forever, things can suddenly change, just try to stay positive and rational, time will heal you eventually even if it takes a decade or more, the scars will always remain but the pain will go.

 

[somethingsomeonejr]

This is all perfectly normal, the pure hatred will last a very long time, but one thing is completely impossible, and that is to keep it all for yourself, inside, I was asked the same, never talk about this to anyone, her father was never punished for his deeds so the feeling of injustice is just so great, you feel like there's only one option and that is to take proper revenge, but in the end it'll make everything so much worse, not only for yourself, but your sister will have no use for you when you're in jail either.The satisfaction of revenge is only temporary but the results will influence the rest of your life, talking about it can help a lot.

Once you analyzed the problem, which is probably the extreme feeling of injustice and the need to take care of business, or even vent it on someone else, once you really know what's eating you up inside, try to address that problem.

You're already in therapy, so that's a huge step, if that's not helping then maybe you should consider medication, like your therapist already advised, not to numb you down but just to help you place things, to find a certain peace of mind, process the anger and learn to deal with it.

I swear, all it needs is time, I've seen many black days in my life, not only because of this of course, was in psychiatric care 3 times, totaling to over a year of my life, etc..
Pain is not forever, and even though it might seem to last forever, things can suddenly change, just try to stay positive and rational, time will heal you eventually even if it takes a decade or more, the scars will always remain but the pain will go.

Again, thank you.

I'm on meds. Some prescripted, most not. They give me fucking heartmedicine for anxiety and antihistamines for depression.
I used to be on 6 mg xanax a day and some opiods inbetween, so those things seem like a fucking joke.

And, I can't adress all this to my therapist. Some of it yes, most of it no.
I'd lose my job if I got caught my buying meds on the streets.

It just drains all my energy from me. I feel helpless.

This, my sister, is just the one of many fucked up family situations I've been having the last few years.
Mom lied about cancer, hustled everyone on money, bailed and I got thrown out from home during this.
And I left my sisters in the chaos while I fled to another country.

If I hadn't, this might not have happened, or it might have anyway. I've pondered that enough.

I don't know where I'm getting at Merlin, but thanks for listening, and I'm sorry to hear about what you went through aswell.

I'm just tired of feeling angry and insecure and small. I'm tired of trying to change, because nothing changes.
The game stays the same and conditions are set.

I digress.

Thank you for listening. I might not make much sense. First day on my vacation, so I'm quite benzo'd upand getting started with some other goodies soon.

Great way to start a relaxing vacation, ey? Getting yourself all wired up and murderous and afraid and fragile and a stone and everyone of those things at once.

But, yes, it has gotten better. For some time, everytime I met her I either wanted to burst into tears or hurt someone or something.

But then I rationalize. What are we if we don't take care of our own? Putting all that hippie-bullshit aside about peace and love, which doesn't really to be compatible to a race which has been at peace for app. 268 years of the last 3400 years, how can one not act on such thing?!

IF charges would have been pressed and IF they would be convicted, they'd get 3 years, out after two on probabtion.
And thats a best case scenario.
This is how it goes down where I'm from when you get raped (this is happened);
A women has a few drinks with two guys at a bar.
They invite her to this after party, but instead takes her to a remote reststop (where truckdrivers sleep) and they take turn raping her.
They are both charged with gang rape, however, since they took turns and didn't enter her both at once, the charges dropped from 8-10 years to 3,5 and 4 years. They'll be out in one, one and a half; processiontime, custodytime, good behavior, prisons here being fucking more luxurious than most suburbs here.

No, if one wants any justice, though I reject such concept, one has to take matter into his own hands.

Jesus, I need a better therapist. 8)

Thanks again Merlin.

 

[herbavore]

I can imagine your rage. I was the victim of a violent sexual assault by a stranger when I was a teenager and I can tell you this: it has taken me years to even identify, let alone, deal with the never-ending psychological fallout. I used to imagine punishing that man (he was never caught) but I had an epiphany somewhere in my early twenties that every time I imagined him being killed or made to suffer that I was bringing him back to life and I was suffering more. You are suffering as well as your sister. Yes, you need to respect her wishes and let her heal in whatever ways work best for her, but you also need to see how much your own feelings are eating you alive. I'm a pretty emotional person but sometimes I just have to use my rational mind when my emotions are overwhelming me. Here was the thinking I used to move myself out of the grip of that experience: does it change what happened to you to relive these memories and to emotionally engage like this with the perpetrator's ghost in your mind? No. Would you feel like you had gained or lost an essential part of yourself if you could cause this man to suffer? Lost. So in addition to this man stealing your sense of freedom and security in the world, he would then be stealing something more from you, something sacred to you, your compassionate humanity. Would you, by wishing to see him suffer brutality, want to give that to him? No. Can you see that man as a damaged human being? Yes. I could go on but you get the gist. Question what this is doing to you and if it is not improving the outcome of a terrible and brutal act for the victim (your sister) as well as all the others victimized by this act (her family and friends that care about her) then your mind has to change course.

This is easier said than done. I can tell from your post that you are already trying to do it and feel helpless (which no doubt brings up the helplessness that you felt from not being able to protect her). Maybe one strategy might be to allow the brutal thoughts but within limits. Tell yourself, "OK, I can't stop them so I will let them come--I give them 5 minutes. But at the end of that five minutes, I say, enough." Then put them in context. Neither blame yourself for their ferocity nor indulge yourself with the temporary (and ultimately unsatisfactory) escape they provide. Let your rational mind take over. Accept that your sister is courageously dealing with not letting this experience define her life and you do not need to either. This much is true: horrible brutality makes of us either more compassionate people or brutes ourselves. I cannot choose whether or not I am going to still be scared as a woman at 62 to hike by myself--the fear has its own life. What I can do is choose what to do with that fear, how to live with it, just how much I am willing to let it direct my life.

You are a good brother. I am terribly sorry that your sister suffered this experience and I'm sorry that you are still suffering it so much yourself.

 

[somethingsomeonejr]

Something went wrong with my responsen, but herbavore - thank you so, so much.
Your post set a few thoughts in motion, to say the least.

This much is true: horrible brutality makes of us either more compassionate people or brutes ourselves

I've felt myself grow cold, inside and against others, and I can't seem to stop it.

Violence flicks when tears are caged inside.

Thank you

 

[Ziiirp]

herbavore is really an inspirational being and always finds the right words for people in exceptionally difficult situations. I would be glad to find people like her on my journey of life. If one is healthy and stable one may get by alone on the spiritual path, but once one is stuck in a hopeless situation one realizes the value of wise angels, that grew their unconditional compassion through real life circumstances instead of endless introspection only.

 

[axl blaze]

I will get hate for this, but violence is the answer

I wouldn't murder him, cuz jail for life, but he does deserve something bad to happen to it

fucking rapers. scum

 

[neversickanymore]

How so axl?

 

[somethingsomeonejr]

I will get hate for this, but violence is the answer

I wouldn't murder him, cuz jail for life, but he does deserve something bad to happen to it

fucking rapers. scum

If I were to do this, I wouldn't mind doing life behind bars.
I'd tell the jury I'd do it all over again if I could.

I do know that in a civilized society, violence is never excepted as the answer.
But in a society where justice has lost it's place, violence might be the answer.

I've come to this;
If my sister ever wants him hurt, I will hurt him.
If my sister wants me to forget him, I will have to forget him.
Simply because I value my sister more than my own thirst for retribution.

Even though every fiber in my body tells me to carve his flesh.

God, the fucking nightmares.

I just wish it never happened.
Or that I had an answer on how to deal with this.

I feel so fucking torn.

 

[neversickanymore]

If I were to do this, I wouldn't mind doing life behind bars.

Have you spent any time behind bars?

What positive effect do you see taking this route having?

So you would be happy with these losers raping your sister and also stealing your life if you got to murder\fuck them up bad? Seems like everyone loses in that plan?

 

[Man in the Dark]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister these fuckers should burn in hell, and hopefully they will. I can't give you advice on how to forgive as I have had to deal with a similar situation. I feel for you because I know how it eats away at you and the anger becomes so overwhelming you obsess over the issue and think of every way to kill these mother fuckers.

I have tried everything thing to get this feeling out and try to forgive but I can't shake it. I commend you for being strong.
If you are a religious man I would suggest trying a good church not a holly roller fake one but one that is active in the community and is an open minded church who is tolerant with all. I have seen it change peoples life. It helped me as I was at the end of my rope but I ended up losing my way and don't go anymore.

Unfortunately for me I still can't shake it I would have them kidnapped tied to a tree on all fours and pay a crackhead 100 bucks to fuck them and cum in their ass.

I wish you the best I just wanted to post because I feel for you and have had a similar experience. I have become dead inside I am just an empty shell after what happened. I hope you find Justice.