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The Long Way - critiques welcome

The Fish

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 18, 2006
Messages
192
It's been too long since I've written, and even longer since I've posted in here.

smileyfish

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The Long Way


Not long past 4 am, time stood still for a moment. The black edifice of the city rising against burning promise of dawn while the moon lingers full and heavy, in deep communion with the mountain. A three-note call rings out again and again, above the rumble bringing the Monday commerce, and is answered from beyond the undefinable. Deu-lou-dee, deu-lou-dee, endlessly rising and falling, then the sky breathes and the day proceeds.

On Saturday the sky came down, sudden in its heaviness, and we watched in quiet worship of the water gathering, pooling up and spreading over the browning world. All day we sung the praise of the rain in our primordial rebirth; hummed with the voice and wings of thousands set free by the warm arpeggio of rain. In the morrow the air thickened, interminable until the fading memory of March.

When the morning’s cool passed into long heat I awoke and breathed and knew summer. The world thrummed and rang with the rain-brought bounty and stood changed, as it has done for eternity.

Later, along the river, water dragons bathed regally in the heady warmth, waving long-fingered hands to me as I passed. As round and round I spun on a lilac carpet of fallen blooms life slowed, redolent of salty nights heady with the scent of frangipanni dreams awaiting.

At Guyatt Park men worked in oblivion to the fecundity they were destroying. To their minds the grass necessitated cutting, because they cannot cut the rain. The loss of new life so recently surging forth was but a silly idea that followed in the wake of my passing. The play of silver gums in moonlight as the tall grass ripples is my memory alone.

Along the long flat, following the river and it bends and shines, the dusty gums hang limp in the languid air above. Corellas, raucous overhead, evoke the honey-eaters shyly watching my morning emergence, blue-spangled faces quiet in contrast. The sour note of sodden mulch reels as the river and I part prematurely. A gentle slope advances me towards a swarm of cars impatient as their late-to-class drivers.

The U and I turn our backs to each other and I face to the river with my innate infatuation with water. Up and up, chest wheezing the dirge of ascent, I climb until the water with its dreaming trees lie at my feet, before a decent to once more join it. Up and up, then a turn and the bitumen joins the buildings at my back; across the unfenced tortured greens to the river once more and the track courting its sinuous form.

Gravel crunches, king-fishers whistle; somewhere the Brahminy kites are rising on the still, heavy air and my exertion hums in tune with the universe. Hanging taut for an aeon, then a second later a swing of weight, and the river and I bow in one last farewell. Down and a final up, up, up: panting, turning, burning, and alive.
 
the content of this piece is awesome, but i think you can improve it by adjusting its layout. the easier it is to read can improve the way it flows. nice work though.
 
I like :)
Very sense driven.
I'd add more scents and visual metaphors.

A couple of short quotes from my favorite authors of visual communication (William Gibson):

“The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead station.”

“A graphic representation of data abstracted from the banks of every computer in the human system. Unthinkable complexity. Lines of light ranged in the nonspace of the mind, clusters and constellations of data. Like city lights, receding.”
 
Nice imagery. i could really see things in my head as i went along. absolutely love it, but couldn't agree more that it needs to be reformatted for easier reading.
 
m4dd0g said:
Very sense driven.
I'd add more scents and visual metaphors.

I agree on both counts. The scenery is vivid, but could be made more so through metaphor.

You clearly have a command of language, a love of nature, and a wide vocabulary - this combination can be a very, very powerful one. %)

Some of your language is archaic... to me this kind of clashes with the contemporary setting (as evidenced by the cars and buildings, etc). Would you say this is your own style, or is it more a case of influence / imitation?
 
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