The Living Years

How can my pain still be so fresh after three years? I don't understand it.

I don't know if it's because I've started writing again. But at the same time the sadness must have been in there because it's flowing out beautifully into poetry.

I miss him so much that when I think about him it's like being punched in the stomach. All the air goes out of me.

i think I've managed to clarify my thought though, which is a good thing. I think I was glorifying both of us in my head for a while. I've reminded myself of the reality now which helps me rationalise it all better. Why it ended. Surely now, after so long, he would believe that I didn't cheat on him?

Sometimes it feels like he just goes along with the twisted thought his brain dreamt up either because he needed an excuse to finish things with me or because he's too proud to admit that he was wrong. Either is fine, I just wish that he wouldn't keep maintaining that I did something that I'd never have done to him.

Little flashes of memory keep flashing back to me. Like, he didn't like my Facebook because the photos I had up of myself were to get attention. They really weren't, Cub. I'm hardly a stunner. He also said that he was upset because my relationship status was set as "single". The reason I never changed it was because he told me that he didn't love me as much as he used to and that he didn't want to be in a relationship towards the end. It was "Us" time. What a mistake that was. It should have been all or nothing. I loved him too much for it to be casual.

If there was any way that I could go back and change any of what happened then I would do it in a second.

But shit happened, now we're both three years older. He's in a relationship with someone else. I've met perhaps one person that I quite liked but I have walls up so high that I couldn't let anyone close. Obviously I was replaceable, but my ex was irreplaceable.

I fear for the future. I think it's a basic human right to want a relationship. I miss intimacy, I miss random adventures and I miss having someone special just for me.

My ex and I finished by text. Not the best way to go.

I would be so happy if I could just have one more night with him. Just to talk, and hug, and set our world to rights.

There's been a few times I thought about texting him but I'm sure his girlfriend wouldn't like it. She's friends with some of my friends so it would cause problems, and her exes new girlfriend has caused me enough hassle over nothing.

How the fuck do I get past this? I don't know what to do. Does anyone have the answer? Opinions would be appreciated.

 

do you miss him or simply being in a relationship with someone?

i think the best thing is to concentrate on you and you alone so you can start tearing down those walls. while texting him might bring a sense of closure to you, i think it's more likely to open up old wounds even more. coming to realizations that an ex has moved on before you can be difficult but if you look at your past relationship as something that is better left in the past it can be easier to handle.

all the best to you.

 

It's definitely him that I miss. I am lonely, but that's seperate from missing him, if that makes sense? I miss who I was during the good times with him. I miss his intelligence, his sense of humour, his smile. He was truly unique. I've never met anyone like him before and I will never meet anyone like him again.

You're right about texting opening old wounds, I'm in a daily battle to tell myself that it would be a bad idea.

It's hard to see as something best left in the past because I never wanted it to end in the first place. But, I guess, I have spent a very long time trying to come to terms with it.

I'm worried that if I move on I might miss out on some minute chance that he and I could have had one last day together.

It's the whole ending by text thing. It was horrible. I'd give anything to sit down and talk with him but if he wanted that, he would have told me.

You're right about concentrating on myself. My life has stalled since this all happened and I've been living in a state of limbo... I don't want to even think about forging a relationship with anyone else but I would really like to learn how to like myself again.

Thanks for your advice