Again, these journal entries are not for the faint of heart. -Erika
11/13/2008
I haven't cut myself in a couple days which is an improvement. I'm trying to heal by putting scar lotion on my scars. Hopefully, it will help. I was reading the script for my MRI today and my symptoms were listed like so: psychosis, mood swings, depression. Psychosis?! Really? Like psychotic? I wouldn't describe myself as psychotic. At all. I'm not crazy. That's a full load of bullshit. Yes, I adore my doctor and all, but I think she's wrong. She's a educated woman, but I'm not crazy. Mood swings? Yes. Depressed? Yes. But not psychotic. What really describes you as psychotic anyways? I KNOW I hear voices. I KNOW they're not real. So I'm not delusional. I'M NOT CRAZY! xx
11/14/2008
"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death--really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous." -Girl, Interrupted
11/16/2008
So the guy I was interested in told me last night that he was in love with this other girl who is conveniently engaged. Her name is Erika. Not me. So that's that. I thought he really liked me, but I guess not. I was wondering why he suddenly stopped trying to get in touch with me. Whatever. It happens...a lot. The whole being in love with some girl who's engaged was a bit of a surprise. But HEY! Good luck to him. Fuck it. Other than that I'm okay. I did have a huge anxiety attack today. All the noises were so overwhelming. The bugs, the lawn mower. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I was screaming inside. Then they came! The voices! Not the farmers, but the scary ones. They asked me, "do we have a deal?" No. We don't. We don't have a fucking deal. NO! No! Fucking no! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Gah! I'm so tired of hearing them. I'm so sick. Just go away. Especially when I'm having an anxiety attack. It makes me want to chop my arm off, but I didn't. And that's good. It was so hard not to take that blade and press down really hard. That's not what I'm trying to achieve by healing. And I AM healing. xx
11/19/2008
I'm on cloud 9. I wish I could always feel this way. I am. A fuck up. Maybe I'll wake up for once. Rescue me. xx
11/13/2008
I haven't cut myself in a couple days which is an improvement. I'm trying to heal by putting scar lotion on my scars. Hopefully, it will help. I was reading the script for my MRI today and my symptoms were listed like so: psychosis, mood swings, depression. Psychosis?! Really? Like psychotic? I wouldn't describe myself as psychotic. At all. I'm not crazy. That's a full load of bullshit. Yes, I adore my doctor and all, but I think she's wrong. She's a educated woman, but I'm not crazy. Mood swings? Yes. Depressed? Yes. But not psychotic. What really describes you as psychotic anyways? I KNOW I hear voices. I KNOW they're not real. So I'm not delusional. I'M NOT CRAZY! xx
11/14/2008
"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death--really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous." -Girl, Interrupted
11/16/2008
So the guy I was interested in told me last night that he was in love with this other girl who is conveniently engaged. Her name is Erika. Not me. So that's that. I thought he really liked me, but I guess not. I was wondering why he suddenly stopped trying to get in touch with me. Whatever. It happens...a lot. The whole being in love with some girl who's engaged was a bit of a surprise. But HEY! Good luck to him. Fuck it. Other than that I'm okay. I did have a huge anxiety attack today. All the noises were so overwhelming. The bugs, the lawn mower. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I was screaming inside. Then they came! The voices! Not the farmers, but the scary ones. They asked me, "do we have a deal?" No. We don't. We don't have a fucking deal. NO! No! Fucking no! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Gah! I'm so tired of hearing them. I'm so sick. Just go away. Especially when I'm having an anxiety attack. It makes me want to chop my arm off, but I didn't. And that's good. It was so hard not to take that blade and press down really hard. That's not what I'm trying to achieve by healing. And I AM healing. xx
11/19/2008
I'm on cloud 9. I wish I could always feel this way. I am. A fuck up. Maybe I'll wake up for once. Rescue me. xx
