Just to forewarn you these journal entries get more and more intense so if you're light hearted you probably don't want to read any further. -Erika
7/3/2008
Laughing doesn't exist in my world of despair. I'm lonely. Hungry for love. Lately the full bottle of sleeping pills are taunting me like an apple in Eden. I want to swallow them all. I've been seeing things. Like, visual hallucinations. I frequently see cats, but mostly demons. This was supposed to be a song, but I'm too depressed for inspiration. I know I sound like an over dramatic, angsty teenager, but I feel sick mentally. I still want to die, but I can't bring myself to do it...yet. I wish lightning would just strike me. Then I'd be dead and content. Will this circle ever end? I'm manic or I'm depressed. xx
8/10/2008
Things I though I freed my mind of for eternity are suddenly reappearing. What's supposed to be deemed bad has become, in my mind, ideal. The bad is returning. xx
10/12/2008
It's been a few months since I've last written. I've been too depressed. Nothing good has happened. That bad that I wrote of DID return. With a couple more suicide attempts under my belt I am feeling a little better in recent weeks. I totalled another car. I feel as if I've been cursed. I had to drop all my classes because of my mood instability and move back in with my mom. Things are rough, but I am managing to hold myself together pretty well. Right now I feel calm. Partly due to the Klonopin, I assume. xx
10/13/2008
Things are very stressful right now. My mom spent all her money and now she's broke. We have a ton of things to pay for (bills, cars, doctors, ect). I'm bored. My everyday routine is getting really old and I miss going to school. I feel as if I'm about to crack again. I can never sleep...ever. It's impossible. I'm probably going to die at a very young age due to lack of sleep. I NEED to quit smoking! It's killing me, but what isn't? I'm just dying faster than anyone my age and I'm okay with that. It'd be so much easier to be dead. I am a cursed soul! I watch these petty shows like 'Gossip Girl' and 'The OC' and I must say, their "problems" are so stupid. I would trade in a second. Why are things so fucked? I don't get it! Ugh! I just want to do something with my life, but I probably never will. Everything sucks! xx
10/14/2008
This not being able to sleep shit is getting so old. It's ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I don't need sleep...ever. But I want it...badly. Ugh! I've had the urge to cut myself today and I'm not sure why. I've controlled myself though thankfully. But having nothing to do at night will probably lead to self destruction. I have nothing to do. Maybe it's boredom. I feel like my brain is melting away. I'm getting dumb. Usually, I'm a bright person, but not going to school has to be bad for me. And I am lonely. Not having a car means I rarely see my friends. And it's looking like I won't be getting another car anytime soon because my mom is completely broke. Things are not good. xx
10/22/2008
The voices today: "Now that we've got a deal. Have we got a deal or what? The deity! The deity! It's just a temporary day."
I have been having a crappy few days. I've been very low mood wise for the past, let's say, 3 days. I have broken everything that I'm supposed to stick with, which lead to more idle time for my depression. I gave in and cut myself in the shower last night. It felt so good, but I know it's unhealthy. I'll try to do it less like I have been doing.
11/10/2008
It's so easy to slide that razor blade against my skin again and again. So much easier than a knife. The blood runs down my arm and seeps through my sweatshirt. It feels so good. It makes me feel alive again. The slightest touch of the sharp razor draws blood. I never want to stop bleeding. It makes me forget all the mental pain, the voices in my head. Drip, drip, drip. Ah, the relief it brings me. Better than drugs. Better than life itself. Cutting is almighty to me right now. I think I'm addicted. I keep it from everyone, but not because I'm ashamed. I'm quite proud of the scars all up and down my arm. It brings me a sick pleasure that I can achieve in no other way. You could say I'm infatuated with it. PS don't tell. xx
11/11/2008
The voices today: "We've got to clean this mess up. It's become such a mess. Erika, life cannot sustain itself in such a mess. Please clean up."
The farmers are right. I'm making a huge mess of things just because I'm manic and think the only solution is to slash my arm to pieces. I HATE the farmers, but they're right. I need to clean up this mess and the addiction I've created for myself of cutting my wrists. This bullshit can't go on any longer. Things are very strange. I'm happy (hyper), but depressed at the same time. I have a ton of energy. I think this is a potentially dangerous situation because I actually have the energy to hurt myself. I'm a threat to myself. xx
7/3/2008
Laughing doesn't exist in my world of despair. I'm lonely. Hungry for love. Lately the full bottle of sleeping pills are taunting me like an apple in Eden. I want to swallow them all. I've been seeing things. Like, visual hallucinations. I frequently see cats, but mostly demons. This was supposed to be a song, but I'm too depressed for inspiration. I know I sound like an over dramatic, angsty teenager, but I feel sick mentally. I still want to die, but I can't bring myself to do it...yet. I wish lightning would just strike me. Then I'd be dead and content. Will this circle ever end? I'm manic or I'm depressed. xx
8/10/2008
Things I though I freed my mind of for eternity are suddenly reappearing. What's supposed to be deemed bad has become, in my mind, ideal. The bad is returning. xx
10/12/2008
It's been a few months since I've last written. I've been too depressed. Nothing good has happened. That bad that I wrote of DID return. With a couple more suicide attempts under my belt I am feeling a little better in recent weeks. I totalled another car. I feel as if I've been cursed. I had to drop all my classes because of my mood instability and move back in with my mom. Things are rough, but I am managing to hold myself together pretty well. Right now I feel calm. Partly due to the Klonopin, I assume. xx
10/13/2008
Things are very stressful right now. My mom spent all her money and now she's broke. We have a ton of things to pay for (bills, cars, doctors, ect). I'm bored. My everyday routine is getting really old and I miss going to school. I feel as if I'm about to crack again. I can never sleep...ever. It's impossible. I'm probably going to die at a very young age due to lack of sleep. I NEED to quit smoking! It's killing me, but what isn't? I'm just dying faster than anyone my age and I'm okay with that. It'd be so much easier to be dead. I am a cursed soul! I watch these petty shows like 'Gossip Girl' and 'The OC' and I must say, their "problems" are so stupid. I would trade in a second. Why are things so fucked? I don't get it! Ugh! I just want to do something with my life, but I probably never will. Everything sucks! xx
10/14/2008
This not being able to sleep shit is getting so old. It's ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I don't need sleep...ever. But I want it...badly. Ugh! I've had the urge to cut myself today and I'm not sure why. I've controlled myself though thankfully. But having nothing to do at night will probably lead to self destruction. I have nothing to do. Maybe it's boredom. I feel like my brain is melting away. I'm getting dumb. Usually, I'm a bright person, but not going to school has to be bad for me. And I am lonely. Not having a car means I rarely see my friends. And it's looking like I won't be getting another car anytime soon because my mom is completely broke. Things are not good. xx
10/22/2008
The voices today: "Now that we've got a deal. Have we got a deal or what? The deity! The deity! It's just a temporary day."
I have been having a crappy few days. I've been very low mood wise for the past, let's say, 3 days. I have broken everything that I'm supposed to stick with, which lead to more idle time for my depression. I gave in and cut myself in the shower last night. It felt so good, but I know it's unhealthy. I'll try to do it less like I have been doing.
11/10/2008
It's so easy to slide that razor blade against my skin again and again. So much easier than a knife. The blood runs down my arm and seeps through my sweatshirt. It feels so good. It makes me feel alive again. The slightest touch of the sharp razor draws blood. I never want to stop bleeding. It makes me forget all the mental pain, the voices in my head. Drip, drip, drip. Ah, the relief it brings me. Better than drugs. Better than life itself. Cutting is almighty to me right now. I think I'm addicted. I keep it from everyone, but not because I'm ashamed. I'm quite proud of the scars all up and down my arm. It brings me a sick pleasure that I can achieve in no other way. You could say I'm infatuated with it. PS don't tell. xx
11/11/2008
The voices today: "We've got to clean this mess up. It's become such a mess. Erika, life cannot sustain itself in such a mess. Please clean up."
The farmers are right. I'm making a huge mess of things just because I'm manic and think the only solution is to slash my arm to pieces. I HATE the farmers, but they're right. I need to clean up this mess and the addiction I've created for myself of cutting my wrists. This bullshit can't go on any longer. Things are very strange. I'm happy (hyper), but depressed at the same time. I have a ton of energy. I think this is a potentially dangerous situation because I actually have the energy to hurt myself. I'm a threat to myself. xx