Just so you know I have thousands of journal entries, but I can't sit here and type that many so for now I'm just picking a handful. -Erika
1/31/08
Wow! It's almost been a year since I last wrote. A lot has changed. Some for the worse. My parents are currently getting a divorce and it's taking a toll on everyone's emotions. It's not good at all. Apparently my father is seeing someone else or something, but I hardly ever see him so I'm not sure what's going on except everything is a complete mess. I had been taking a combo of 1200 mgs of Lithium, 300 mgs of Wellbutrin, 100 mgs of Zoloft, and 200 mgs of Lamictal. Well, I was getting really sick of taking it. I wanted to feel alive again. So I stopped taking all of it except the Wellbutrin. I now feel on the verge of a major breakdown. I'm just so irritable and sad...happy, suicidal, homicidal, and hyper. All at once. I wish I had an escape. I stopped doing drugs. I'll drink at parties or maybe smoke some pot occasionally, but no more opiates, no more blow, no more pills. This is an improvement in my life. I'm actually really proud of myself. xx
2/24/08
I fucking hate lithium! I'm not taking it ever, ever again! I don't care. It makes me so numb, I can't think, I can't write, I can't do music. I'm essentially dead on lithium. They keep telling me to take it and I say I am, but I'm not. I won't! I refuse. It makes my face breakout so bad too. I really need to lose weight asap. The fucking lithium is making me pack on the pounds. It's getting disgusting. Plus, my mom is skinnier than me. Ugh! I suck so hard! xx
2/26/2008
I want a sun that never sets
A flower that never dies
I want a love that never ends. xx
3/3/2008
Yeah, so a lot of things just aren't working out for me. I can't sleep at all. I'm all high strung and what the doctors like to call "manic." For example, I did all my homework by 5pm, went to work, closed by 8pm. I don't think the abilify is working. I got them to take me off lithium and Lamictal all together. I stopped taking Klonopin as well. Actually, the Klonopin helped me sleep, but I over did it like I do everything. I always take it to the next extreme. ALWAYS. xx
6/4/2008
I hate myself. I want to die. I've been seriously contemplating death for awhile now, but I'm too scared to tell anyone. I just feel this void in my life. Like good things are coming in the future, but it's not convincing me otherwise. I guess I'm weak and stupid, but I'm very curious what's after death. I think I'll find out soon. I hear noises all the time now. SCREAMING! SCREAMS! I wish I had someone to tell these things to, but I don't because I'm alone. xx
6/5/2008
I don't know what was wrong with me last night. It was so weird. I felt drunk, but I wasn't. xx
1/31/08
Wow! It's almost been a year since I last wrote. A lot has changed. Some for the worse. My parents are currently getting a divorce and it's taking a toll on everyone's emotions. It's not good at all. Apparently my father is seeing someone else or something, but I hardly ever see him so I'm not sure what's going on except everything is a complete mess. I had been taking a combo of 1200 mgs of Lithium, 300 mgs of Wellbutrin, 100 mgs of Zoloft, and 200 mgs of Lamictal. Well, I was getting really sick of taking it. I wanted to feel alive again. So I stopped taking all of it except the Wellbutrin. I now feel on the verge of a major breakdown. I'm just so irritable and sad...happy, suicidal, homicidal, and hyper. All at once. I wish I had an escape. I stopped doing drugs. I'll drink at parties or maybe smoke some pot occasionally, but no more opiates, no more blow, no more pills. This is an improvement in my life. I'm actually really proud of myself. xx
2/24/08
I fucking hate lithium! I'm not taking it ever, ever again! I don't care. It makes me so numb, I can't think, I can't write, I can't do music. I'm essentially dead on lithium. They keep telling me to take it and I say I am, but I'm not. I won't! I refuse. It makes my face breakout so bad too. I really need to lose weight asap. The fucking lithium is making me pack on the pounds. It's getting disgusting. Plus, my mom is skinnier than me. Ugh! I suck so hard! xx
2/26/2008
I want a sun that never sets
A flower that never dies
I want a love that never ends. xx
3/3/2008
Yeah, so a lot of things just aren't working out for me. I can't sleep at all. I'm all high strung and what the doctors like to call "manic." For example, I did all my homework by 5pm, went to work, closed by 8pm. I don't think the abilify is working. I got them to take me off lithium and Lamictal all together. I stopped taking Klonopin as well. Actually, the Klonopin helped me sleep, but I over did it like I do everything. I always take it to the next extreme. ALWAYS. xx
6/4/2008
I hate myself. I want to die. I've been seriously contemplating death for awhile now, but I'm too scared to tell anyone. I just feel this void in my life. Like good things are coming in the future, but it's not convincing me otherwise. I guess I'm weak and stupid, but I'm very curious what's after death. I think I'll find out soon. I hear noises all the time now. SCREAMING! SCREAMS! I wish I had someone to tell these things to, but I don't because I'm alone. xx
6/5/2008
I don't know what was wrong with me last night. It was so weird. I felt drunk, but I wasn't. xx