I decided to incorporate my journal entries dating back to 2006 in my book. It may be "filler," but it holds more truth than anything else I've written. It's the complete raw truth. -Erika
p.s. names have been changed to nondescript pronouns for the most part.
9/25/06
He od'ed on Valium the day after his birthday, September 14th. I mean he "ate bad sushi." Anyways, off to rehab he went on Saturday night. He went into rehab in complete hysterics and now he is the star patient. I'm really glad he's seeking help. It will save his life in the long run. I miss him so much though! And I'm really depressed right now. My psychiatrist switched me from Prozac to Zoloft because I was suicidal on the Prozac, I continued to cut my wrists which is NOT good at all. Now I am totally manic. I have these really high highs, but majorly low lows. Right now I'm at a low. It seems like there's nowhere between the highs and the lows. FUCK! I'm 16! Why do I have so much shit going on in my life?! I had to go to the OBGYN to get tested for STDs today even though I've only ever slept with one person. God damnit! I wish I had some sort of escape! Instant gratification. I guess life just doesn't work that way...unless you kill yourself or take drugs. There is NO instant escape. I'm starting to realize I'm stuck in this life practically alone. Sure I have my therapist, my mom (who just gets stressed out), and him(who has his own issues). I have no one that can just hold me in their arms when I'm feeling down. I'm just alone. I isolate myself in some ways...okay...a lot of ways, but it also feels like people isolate me. I just want to be normal. I want him to come back and be the normal, compassionate, ambitious boy I fell in love with. I want to be normal at my new school, but I can't control my mania so everyone just thinks I'm nuts. I want a father who actually knows I exist. I want my friends to understand. I want my mom to stop tweaking out everytime I peep a word. I just want everything to be fucking normal! Is that too much to ask? I mean, GOD DAMN! Maybe if my family wasn't such a fucking mess I would be semi-sane. Get me out of here! NOW! xx
9/26/2006
I know what it feels like to feel empty now. I feel as if my whole body is completely numb and made of tin. I don't know why I feel this way. I miss him so much. He doesn't get out of rehab for another 3 months. He's only been gone for a little more than a week, but I miss him deeply. I wish he could just hold my hand right now and tell me everything's going to be okay. I can't go through life like this. Why can't I be normal? Why can't everything be a fairy tale? Why did I have to fall in love so early? What did I do to deserve such pain? All the fucking time! I wouldn't give him up for the world, but I do miss him like crazy and not being able to see him makes me really sad. At least he's okay so someday he will be a good husband and father to whoever he ends up with. Whether it be me or someone else. It doesn't matter. I will always love him. It will never change. Dead or alive! xx
10/20/2006
I feel so weird lately. My emotions are completely fucked up. I'm having completely manic breakdowns. It's like a reverse panic attack. When I have panic attacks it feels like I'm being attacked by tigers, but now I'm the tiger. I can't control my rage, my obnoxious euphoria or depression. I'm either going to kill myself or someone else. My shrink put me on this medicine that you gradually build up on. I think it's call Lamictal. She also dropped my Zoloft down by 50 mgs because she said it was making my mood swings worse. So now I have less Zoloft and a bipolar med that won't work for like 6 weeks. So basically I'm fucked. I want to be fixed now! I need a quick fix. For now at least! And I can't fucking sleep. I'm taking Xanax, Lunesta, and Roserum but I still can't sleep! I want Ambien. It actually works. AH! God damnit! Nothing is right! He's a god damn rehab, I hate my school, my school hates me, people hate me, I have 2 C's (one in spanish and one in math). The rest are A's, but I'm pissed about the C's because I've worked my ass off. I had one tough week because I was too depressed and I failed a test in math and spanish that I previously had A's in too. Oh well! Next quarter. Hopefully I'll be fixed because now I'm just NOT okay. Ahh! I can't stand it anymore! I can't handle any of this shit anymore! I need an escape...NOW! You don't have to be alone to be lonely. xx
2/2/2007
So you would think that people who smoke marijuana are lazy because they sit around, but their minds are working faster than our bodies could ever work. xx
p.s. names have been changed to nondescript pronouns for the most part.
9/25/06
He od'ed on Valium the day after his birthday, September 14th. I mean he "ate bad sushi." Anyways, off to rehab he went on Saturday night. He went into rehab in complete hysterics and now he is the star patient. I'm really glad he's seeking help. It will save his life in the long run. I miss him so much though! And I'm really depressed right now. My psychiatrist switched me from Prozac to Zoloft because I was suicidal on the Prozac, I continued to cut my wrists which is NOT good at all. Now I am totally manic. I have these really high highs, but majorly low lows. Right now I'm at a low. It seems like there's nowhere between the highs and the lows. FUCK! I'm 16! Why do I have so much shit going on in my life?! I had to go to the OBGYN to get tested for STDs today even though I've only ever slept with one person. God damnit! I wish I had some sort of escape! Instant gratification. I guess life just doesn't work that way...unless you kill yourself or take drugs. There is NO instant escape. I'm starting to realize I'm stuck in this life practically alone. Sure I have my therapist, my mom (who just gets stressed out), and him(who has his own issues). I have no one that can just hold me in their arms when I'm feeling down. I'm just alone. I isolate myself in some ways...okay...a lot of ways, but it also feels like people isolate me. I just want to be normal. I want him to come back and be the normal, compassionate, ambitious boy I fell in love with. I want to be normal at my new school, but I can't control my mania so everyone just thinks I'm nuts. I want a father who actually knows I exist. I want my friends to understand. I want my mom to stop tweaking out everytime I peep a word. I just want everything to be fucking normal! Is that too much to ask? I mean, GOD DAMN! Maybe if my family wasn't such a fucking mess I would be semi-sane. Get me out of here! NOW! xx
9/26/2006
I know what it feels like to feel empty now. I feel as if my whole body is completely numb and made of tin. I don't know why I feel this way. I miss him so much. He doesn't get out of rehab for another 3 months. He's only been gone for a little more than a week, but I miss him deeply. I wish he could just hold my hand right now and tell me everything's going to be okay. I can't go through life like this. Why can't I be normal? Why can't everything be a fairy tale? Why did I have to fall in love so early? What did I do to deserve such pain? All the fucking time! I wouldn't give him up for the world, but I do miss him like crazy and not being able to see him makes me really sad. At least he's okay so someday he will be a good husband and father to whoever he ends up with. Whether it be me or someone else. It doesn't matter. I will always love him. It will never change. Dead or alive! xx
10/20/2006
I feel so weird lately. My emotions are completely fucked up. I'm having completely manic breakdowns. It's like a reverse panic attack. When I have panic attacks it feels like I'm being attacked by tigers, but now I'm the tiger. I can't control my rage, my obnoxious euphoria or depression. I'm either going to kill myself or someone else. My shrink put me on this medicine that you gradually build up on. I think it's call Lamictal. She also dropped my Zoloft down by 50 mgs because she said it was making my mood swings worse. So now I have less Zoloft and a bipolar med that won't work for like 6 weeks. So basically I'm fucked. I want to be fixed now! I need a quick fix. For now at least! And I can't fucking sleep. I'm taking Xanax, Lunesta, and Roserum but I still can't sleep! I want Ambien. It actually works. AH! God damnit! Nothing is right! He's a god damn rehab, I hate my school, my school hates me, people hate me, I have 2 C's (one in spanish and one in math). The rest are A's, but I'm pissed about the C's because I've worked my ass off. I had one tough week because I was too depressed and I failed a test in math and spanish that I previously had A's in too. Oh well! Next quarter. Hopefully I'll be fixed because now I'm just NOT okay. Ahh! I can't stand it anymore! I can't handle any of this shit anymore! I need an escape...NOW! You don't have to be alone to be lonely. xx
2/2/2007
So you would think that people who smoke marijuana are lazy because they sit around, but their minds are working faster than our bodies could ever work. xx