JessFR
Bluelight Crew
So I'm sitting in my bed waiting for the sleep meds I take to kick in, and something crossed my mind that I felt I needed others perspectives on.
Anyone else feel like dishonesty is pretty much written in their DNA? I don't just mean dishonesty relating to drug use. I mean dishonesty at the core of one's personality. I feel like my whole life has been one long never ending attempt to escape the negative feelings I have towards myself. Granted the things I've done in my past relating to drug use are things I don't like to share details about, but it goes beyond that. Drugs added to things about myself that I don't like and want to hide, but I can't help but feel the running from myself is what helped steer me to drugs in the first place.
I guess what I'm asking is, is this at all a common trait among addicts? Not just lying about drug use, what you use or have used, what you've done or failed to do drunk or high, not even lying relating to drugs, not even lying to other people at all.
I mean lying to yourself, about yourself. So continually and convincingly you begin to believe the lies yourself. Regardless of it being my own insecurities or whatever, I truly believe there's something deep in my soul I don't like and spend my whole life trying to run away from despite the obvious futility of it being impossible to escape. The one thing you can truly never ever escape is yourself. Is this something many with drug problems feel? Or am I relatively alone in it?
To put it simply, does anyone else feel like they truly are filled with the overwhelming desire to 'not be' who they are, and that who they are is something they spend their whole lives trying to avoid. And do you think that's something that happened because of drugs, or one of the reasons they appealed to you more than they might others? It's hard to even pinpoint what I feel like I lie about, I'm sure I do it. But it feels like such an innate part of my personality it's impossible to tell where the lies end and the truth begins. All I'm really sure about is that whatever the truth is, it's something I refuse to believe and will do anything to get away from. Drugs are the ultimate lie, so it seems no surprise why they would appeal to someone like me.
Anyone else feel like dishonesty is pretty much written in their DNA? I don't just mean dishonesty relating to drug use. I mean dishonesty at the core of one's personality. I feel like my whole life has been one long never ending attempt to escape the negative feelings I have towards myself. Granted the things I've done in my past relating to drug use are things I don't like to share details about, but it goes beyond that. Drugs added to things about myself that I don't like and want to hide, but I can't help but feel the running from myself is what helped steer me to drugs in the first place.
I guess what I'm asking is, is this at all a common trait among addicts? Not just lying about drug use, what you use or have used, what you've done or failed to do drunk or high, not even lying relating to drugs, not even lying to other people at all.
I mean lying to yourself, about yourself. So continually and convincingly you begin to believe the lies yourself. Regardless of it being my own insecurities or whatever, I truly believe there's something deep in my soul I don't like and spend my whole life trying to run away from despite the obvious futility of it being impossible to escape. The one thing you can truly never ever escape is yourself. Is this something many with drug problems feel? Or am I relatively alone in it?
To put it simply, does anyone else feel like they truly are filled with the overwhelming desire to 'not be' who they are, and that who they are is something they spend their whole lives trying to avoid. And do you think that's something that happened because of drugs, or one of the reasons they appealed to you more than they might others? It's hard to even pinpoint what I feel like I lie about, I'm sure I do it. But it feels like such an innate part of my personality it's impossible to tell where the lies end and the truth begins. All I'm really sure about is that whatever the truth is, it's something I refuse to believe and will do anything to get away from. Drugs are the ultimate lie, so it seems no surprise why they would appeal to someone like me.
