The Lid Of My Coffin

[Ashley]

The Lid Of My Coffin

I've rolled over in my grave,
Clawing at hope long since faded away,
For how did this happen,
At what point in time,
Petrified, so,
I guess you've set a course,
An unpleasant journey, into distant lands,
There's no turning back now,
You've gone and made the plans,
We're stuck on this vessel, babe,
You made sure of that,
And I know you don't want to go,
But neither do I,
How could you divide us,
As you would a slice of pie,
Cut it down the middle,
We stand on opposite sides,
Now,
I know you didn't plan this out,
You would never be so cruel,
But now I'm fighting a major battle,
A bloody bareknuckled duel,
What am I without you?
Who was I before?
No one worth knowing,
I know that for sure,
Though, you thought otherwise,
You gave me your trust,
That little girl hiding inside,
And all I threw at you were just,
Filthy rotten lies,
It seems that I got what I deserved,
For murdering a flower,
A rare gem, so well preserved,
I'll miss you darling,
I doubt you'd know just how much,
How could you believe me anyway,
After I desecrated your trust,
What strikes me as peculiar though,
Is if you have no love to give,
Then what is it you gave to him,
That you couldn't give to me,
No love to give, so you say, anyway
Before all this, I'd never doubted you,
Never had a reason to,
Not once was there a suspicious trail,
That I needed to pursue,
No, not with you,
Sweet girl,
I can't live without you besides,
Why I still sit and wait each day,
I honestly could not say,
Whilst I didn't enjoy breathing today,
Perhaps tomorrow, I may,
Though I doubt it

 

[ForEverAfter]

I like parts of it. This is my favorite:

How could you divide us,
As you would a slice of pie

Overall I feel like it's a bit too long, and a tad rambling. There is a good rhythm in there somewhere, but it's inconsistent. Here's some other bits that I liked, re-arranged slightly:

I never doubted you; never had a reason to.
Not once was there a suspicious trail, that I needed to pursue.
What am I without you? Who was I before?
No one worth knowing, that's for God damned sure.

I have this terrible habit of rewriting people's poems. I'm sorry. I can't help it... This fable might offer some explanation as to why I feel the need to edit people's verse:

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.