Look at her, laying there. So still, so small. She doesn't even look real. She looks like if you would poke her, she would disintegrate... or blow away with the slightest wind. Her eyes... I never really noticed how blue they were. In fact, for the longest time i thought she had green eyes, like her cat's. Oh her poor cats... what they will think when they realize that she's not getting up today to feed them. Where will they go now, to sleep, when they jump up on her bed and find there no warm body to curl up on? Whose voice will it be that they next hear, scolding them to get down off the table, or to stop bouncing off the walls?
Her hair... how it lays around her tilted head, soft and lifeless. I remember when she was little, and I used to braid that long golden hair, night after night, so that she could wake up with thousands of twisting ringlets that the little boys no doubt went crazy for. I remember dropping her off in front of the school, first day of first grade, and not wanting to let her go in alone. But she just gave me a wispy smile and told me she was fine. She used to always tell me she was...fine... and i believed her. but look at her now... she was not fine. and i should have known that.
I will never see her smile again. that beautiful smile that looks just like her father's. i wonder how many guys have kissed those young soft lips... how many hearts she broke. i know of a few... guys she fell mercilessly for, only to come crying in the night about how they had lied to her, and broken her own fragile heart. mabye i did not say the right things to comfort her... maybe someone told her the last lie she could handle... she was always so naive. never believed anyone to be anything but geniunely good at heart. maybe it was my fault for not warning her that not everyone has good intentions.
Bending down, i reach out and touch her arm. ice cold. my mind goes back to the winter that we went to see the tree in Rockefeller Center... I remember her telling me that someday she was going to be a wonderful dancer in some broadway play, and that she was going to live in a magnificent penthouse apartment somewhere in new york. and now, here she is... she finally made it to new york... but this aint no penthouse apartment. and this girl will never dance again.
I feel that i have so much to say to her now, words that should have been said so long ago. but i didnt think she needed to hear them... i should have told her i loved her when she got older... i remember when she was younger, she would always kiss me on the cheek and say "I love you" before running out the door to catch the bus. Then one day, we had a fight, and she stormed out without saying a word... and ever since then, our little morning tradition stopped. And that was the last time I ever said those 3 words out loud to her, and her to me. What i'd give to here them now, just once more...
I can still faintly smell her sweet perfume. I think maybe i will smell it forever, and it will torture me if i chance to pass someone in the crowd wearing it. in my mind i see myself pinning a corsage on her white satin dress, as she got ready for her Prom... and i remember thinking about her wedding day... what that would be like, helping her get ready to walk down the aisle with the man of her dreams... Tears fall now that i will never get to see that day. She came home and told me she had such a wonderful time at her Prom. more lies. I was so happy for her. I didnt know that she spent most of the night watching all her friends dance while the guy she went with, the man in her life at the time, did nothing but ruin her night and leave her alone in the crowd. i didnt know all the terrible things he did to her, i didnt know that she was scared and so very lonely all those nights, and wanted nothing more than for me to come offer a tissue and some comfort. she would offer a fake smile and say "I'm fine." always fine...
Well, what do i say to you now? I like to think that you are somewhere better than here, but looking down at you now, you are a stranger. some beautiful girl that i had met once, long ago, but never really got to sit down and meet, and share secrets with. what do i say to you before they come take you away, and the next time we meet will be when they are putting you into the ground? i dont think there are such words... words that in just a few moments can compensate for a lifetime of regrets... there are no words i can say that would bring you back to me, and even if you were to come back, would you recognize me as who i am? could "I'm sorry" restore your faith in me? i'm not so sure. but there is no "what if"... you are gone. i must accept that. i must move on. i will never forget this morning... i will never forget this very room, the way the carpet smells musty and the way the paint peels on the walls. i will never forget wondering if you last hour was painful... because i cannot bear the thought of it. i will never forget wondering what went through your mind, those last few minutes of your existence, when you realized you were going to die... i wonder if you thought of me, at all. i will never forget the way my heart sank when they brought me in and there you were, laying lifeless and cold on the unfamiliar floor... staring straight up at some hole in the ceiling. the way you didnt look at me when i called your name... the way your name didnt even sound right when i said it aloud. the way your friends stood around speechless, and scared. i will never forget a millisecond of this morning. the day i was forced to say goodbye to you, once again... and now it is my turn, to kiss you on the cheek... and walk out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this morbid display of emotion that you just read was written with a specific day in mind. it was one of the many times i did way too many drugs one night, and this particular night i found myself in some run-down apartment where my friends and i had partied the night before... and i remember laying in the hallway, halfway to the stairs, where i had collapsed and spent about an hour, thinking i was dying, before someone had found me... and i remember thinking to myself "It sucks to die like this. I wonder why my mother will think when she finds my body here." so this, this is what i pictured my mother thinking.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"The future is unclear and the end is always near." ~Jim Morrison
Her hair... how it lays around her tilted head, soft and lifeless. I remember when she was little, and I used to braid that long golden hair, night after night, so that she could wake up with thousands of twisting ringlets that the little boys no doubt went crazy for. I remember dropping her off in front of the school, first day of first grade, and not wanting to let her go in alone. But she just gave me a wispy smile and told me she was fine. She used to always tell me she was...fine... and i believed her. but look at her now... she was not fine. and i should have known that.
I will never see her smile again. that beautiful smile that looks just like her father's. i wonder how many guys have kissed those young soft lips... how many hearts she broke. i know of a few... guys she fell mercilessly for, only to come crying in the night about how they had lied to her, and broken her own fragile heart. mabye i did not say the right things to comfort her... maybe someone told her the last lie she could handle... she was always so naive. never believed anyone to be anything but geniunely good at heart. maybe it was my fault for not warning her that not everyone has good intentions.
Bending down, i reach out and touch her arm. ice cold. my mind goes back to the winter that we went to see the tree in Rockefeller Center... I remember her telling me that someday she was going to be a wonderful dancer in some broadway play, and that she was going to live in a magnificent penthouse apartment somewhere in new york. and now, here she is... she finally made it to new york... but this aint no penthouse apartment. and this girl will never dance again.
I feel that i have so much to say to her now, words that should have been said so long ago. but i didnt think she needed to hear them... i should have told her i loved her when she got older... i remember when she was younger, she would always kiss me on the cheek and say "I love you" before running out the door to catch the bus. Then one day, we had a fight, and she stormed out without saying a word... and ever since then, our little morning tradition stopped. And that was the last time I ever said those 3 words out loud to her, and her to me. What i'd give to here them now, just once more...
I can still faintly smell her sweet perfume. I think maybe i will smell it forever, and it will torture me if i chance to pass someone in the crowd wearing it. in my mind i see myself pinning a corsage on her white satin dress, as she got ready for her Prom... and i remember thinking about her wedding day... what that would be like, helping her get ready to walk down the aisle with the man of her dreams... Tears fall now that i will never get to see that day. She came home and told me she had such a wonderful time at her Prom. more lies. I was so happy for her. I didnt know that she spent most of the night watching all her friends dance while the guy she went with, the man in her life at the time, did nothing but ruin her night and leave her alone in the crowd. i didnt know all the terrible things he did to her, i didnt know that she was scared and so very lonely all those nights, and wanted nothing more than for me to come offer a tissue and some comfort. she would offer a fake smile and say "I'm fine." always fine...
Well, what do i say to you now? I like to think that you are somewhere better than here, but looking down at you now, you are a stranger. some beautiful girl that i had met once, long ago, but never really got to sit down and meet, and share secrets with. what do i say to you before they come take you away, and the next time we meet will be when they are putting you into the ground? i dont think there are such words... words that in just a few moments can compensate for a lifetime of regrets... there are no words i can say that would bring you back to me, and even if you were to come back, would you recognize me as who i am? could "I'm sorry" restore your faith in me? i'm not so sure. but there is no "what if"... you are gone. i must accept that. i must move on. i will never forget this morning... i will never forget this very room, the way the carpet smells musty and the way the paint peels on the walls. i will never forget wondering if you last hour was painful... because i cannot bear the thought of it. i will never forget wondering what went through your mind, those last few minutes of your existence, when you realized you were going to die... i wonder if you thought of me, at all. i will never forget the way my heart sank when they brought me in and there you were, laying lifeless and cold on the unfamiliar floor... staring straight up at some hole in the ceiling. the way you didnt look at me when i called your name... the way your name didnt even sound right when i said it aloud. the way your friends stood around speechless, and scared. i will never forget a millisecond of this morning. the day i was forced to say goodbye to you, once again... and now it is my turn, to kiss you on the cheek... and walk out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this morbid display of emotion that you just read was written with a specific day in mind. it was one of the many times i did way too many drugs one night, and this particular night i found myself in some run-down apartment where my friends and i had partied the night before... and i remember laying in the hallway, halfway to the stairs, where i had collapsed and spent about an hour, thinking i was dying, before someone had found me... and i remember thinking to myself "It sucks to die like this. I wonder why my mother will think when she finds my body here." so this, this is what i pictured my mother thinking.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"The future is unclear and the end is always near." ~Jim Morrison
