StEviE MoNT
Bluelighter
*The character in this is totally fictional
Everyday I wake up sick. Not just any old sick but dope sick. My stomach is in knots and I have to think of a new excuse every morning to tell my mother why I don't want to have breakfast. It's not fun to wake up and almost shit your pants like you're 80 years old and need depends. It's not fun to have all your friends joke behind your back about how you're an only child spoiled addict. It's also not going to be fun when my parents (very successful, hard working doctor and lawyer) find out their only son is a junkie.
No my friends addiction is not fun at all, but you didn't need me to tell you that now did you ? It all starts off the same way. It's a fun and wonderful experience when you chew that first OC or that first line of dope. You feel invincible and you are engulfed in the warmth so deeply that it becomes your comfort blanket for all time. You do it a few times and feel great when you're high. Only 20 mg to get high for hours and not a care in the world. Oh you've never heard of Oxycontin ? Too bad more for me chump!
You do it a couple times and then you give it a break because you read about all the people on Bluelight that have become addicted. Me, an addict? You're crazy! I can regulate my use and keep it down to only weekends. But then what happens ? Family members start getting prescriptions to pure oxycodone pills and more OC's. What do you do ? Hey might as well take them for free. Who wants to walk down the street to PAY for an OC or get a ride to the public housing further down from your well-lit peaceful neighborhood to dish out money for heroin when you can grab these suckers for free ?!?! So you (I) continue down this spiral and you don't even see it coming.
You can handle your other drugs and haven't had an addiction in the past, so why would it start now ? Start picking up the pace and you do it a couple times a week. You freak because you're doing it *gasp* two times a week! Time to cut down again...... but you're fascinated with the fact if you rise the dose a little higher you feel that warmth for a little longer or nod a little harder. BEAUTIFUL !!
Down the road you find a great connect and start getting 80 mg's for twenty dollars. Might as well stock up... "I can keep these on hand for a Special Occasion". Set a date and keep it... easier said than done. This certain day would be a perfect day for snorting a couple right ? Fuck, any day is the perfect day for opiates and opioids.
Two days a week becomes 7 days a week. Being high a couple hours a day becomes 24 hours of feeling that beauty. 20 mg that you used to take and feel great is now a laughing matter that 20 mg now wouldn't even stop this goose bumps from infiltrating every inch of my skin.
Am I writing this to warn people of use ? Fuck no. Am I against Oxy abuse ? Gimme a break. Do I wish I had the will-power of those on here that can control their opiate use ? Damn straight. I'm not writing this for your benefit but rather to vent. One day soon I'll be able to make it back to that plane of enlightenment. That fuzzy blanket that I can crawl under and forget all my problems. Ahh the beauty of being an escapist. Girlfriend being a bitch ? Take that shot of oxy. Wanna have sex ?? Nahh I'd rather have this last hit of dope thanks.
I'd like to cut down alot. Do I feel the need to quit ? Nah not really. As long as I'm not reaching into my pocket and pulling my last dollar out of my savings account for a hit. Will it happen to me ? Nah that could never happen to me! Wait a second.... that sounds familiar ?
I just wish I wasn't controlled by a painkiller. Is it the drugs fault ? Hell no, it's yours truly's. I'm the one who crushed the tab up on my bathroom counter, it wouldn't have peeled the coating off on its own now would it ? But somedays when I think I'm in the clear and it's smooth sailing... I hear that light rap on the door. It's all in your head just ignore it man. All my friends are working late, Girlfriend is at her dad's for the night, and your parents are going out until at least 3 a.m. That light rap turns into a rageful knock. I creep towards the door trying not to answer the mighty beast. That knock at the door is temptation my friends. It pounds harder and harder in my head until I have no use but to give in. Reach in the top dresser in my room and take out a fistful of cash. I have yet lost another bout.
My opponent in the ring is not some tough macho boxer or Ultimate Fighting Championship fight-to-the-death character. My only opponent that I cannot conquer in this grueling world is a pill about the same size as my thumb nail. I am under a terrible spell and I can feel the strings attaching to my arms and legs as the puppet master "OC" begins yet another charade. He parades me around town proving to everyone that I can't beat him. He knows he is in charge, "Wave and smile at the people" he says. "Pretend everything is ok when people view your exterior shell" he barks at me. It's all a game to him and he is proud of himself that I cannot control MYself.
You can drive in your car for miles to try to escape. You can try to occupy your time with some other activity other than the drug. But the knock at your front door remains. People tell you to try to play video games or start exercising. Hey sounds like a great idea... considering all these activities would be much more enjoyable on Oxy or H than being sober.. am I right ? Of course I am.
My applause, rather, my standing ovation goes to those that can regulate their use. I envy those who can get high off the 20 mg that I once did 2 years ago. Some kids think its "cool" that Stevie can take over 200 mg of oxy and not overdose, while their breathing would have stopped hours ago. Oh great they're turning me into a false idol.
I'm just going to turn the TV up louder and ignore that knock tonight. For 24 hours I have beat the temptation. The only reason being because nothing was around tonight. I will eventually sleep a few winks after a few mg of klonopin. But as I slumber in my dreamless state, I can feel the beast breathing down my neck. I can hear him outside the window talking with the other addictions of other kids on my block. They're all outside waiting for us to awaken so they can taunt us again. So they can hop right on our backs and say "Where you been partner?".
Things used to be different that's all.....![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Thank you if you have read this far and thank you for not flaming me. I know this story doesn't mean anything to you. I know you all have better things to do than listen to me whine. But if you did read all of this thank you.
Edit for words staff: this is cross-posted in TDS and myself and the poster steve would like it open in both forums for discussion. any problems please send me a PM or an email: [email protected]
Everyday I wake up sick. Not just any old sick but dope sick. My stomach is in knots and I have to think of a new excuse every morning to tell my mother why I don't want to have breakfast. It's not fun to wake up and almost shit your pants like you're 80 years old and need depends. It's not fun to have all your friends joke behind your back about how you're an only child spoiled addict. It's also not going to be fun when my parents (very successful, hard working doctor and lawyer) find out their only son is a junkie.
No my friends addiction is not fun at all, but you didn't need me to tell you that now did you ? It all starts off the same way. It's a fun and wonderful experience when you chew that first OC or that first line of dope. You feel invincible and you are engulfed in the warmth so deeply that it becomes your comfort blanket for all time. You do it a few times and feel great when you're high. Only 20 mg to get high for hours and not a care in the world. Oh you've never heard of Oxycontin ? Too bad more for me chump!
You do it a couple times and then you give it a break because you read about all the people on Bluelight that have become addicted. Me, an addict? You're crazy! I can regulate my use and keep it down to only weekends. But then what happens ? Family members start getting prescriptions to pure oxycodone pills and more OC's. What do you do ? Hey might as well take them for free. Who wants to walk down the street to PAY for an OC or get a ride to the public housing further down from your well-lit peaceful neighborhood to dish out money for heroin when you can grab these suckers for free ?!?! So you (I) continue down this spiral and you don't even see it coming.
You can handle your other drugs and haven't had an addiction in the past, so why would it start now ? Start picking up the pace and you do it a couple times a week. You freak because you're doing it *gasp* two times a week! Time to cut down again...... but you're fascinated with the fact if you rise the dose a little higher you feel that warmth for a little longer or nod a little harder. BEAUTIFUL !!
Down the road you find a great connect and start getting 80 mg's for twenty dollars. Might as well stock up... "I can keep these on hand for a Special Occasion". Set a date and keep it... easier said than done. This certain day would be a perfect day for snorting a couple right ? Fuck, any day is the perfect day for opiates and opioids.
Two days a week becomes 7 days a week. Being high a couple hours a day becomes 24 hours of feeling that beauty. 20 mg that you used to take and feel great is now a laughing matter that 20 mg now wouldn't even stop this goose bumps from infiltrating every inch of my skin.
Am I writing this to warn people of use ? Fuck no. Am I against Oxy abuse ? Gimme a break. Do I wish I had the will-power of those on here that can control their opiate use ? Damn straight. I'm not writing this for your benefit but rather to vent. One day soon I'll be able to make it back to that plane of enlightenment. That fuzzy blanket that I can crawl under and forget all my problems. Ahh the beauty of being an escapist. Girlfriend being a bitch ? Take that shot of oxy. Wanna have sex ?? Nahh I'd rather have this last hit of dope thanks.
I'd like to cut down alot. Do I feel the need to quit ? Nah not really. As long as I'm not reaching into my pocket and pulling my last dollar out of my savings account for a hit. Will it happen to me ? Nah that could never happen to me! Wait a second.... that sounds familiar ?
I just wish I wasn't controlled by a painkiller. Is it the drugs fault ? Hell no, it's yours truly's. I'm the one who crushed the tab up on my bathroom counter, it wouldn't have peeled the coating off on its own now would it ? But somedays when I think I'm in the clear and it's smooth sailing... I hear that light rap on the door. It's all in your head just ignore it man. All my friends are working late, Girlfriend is at her dad's for the night, and your parents are going out until at least 3 a.m. That light rap turns into a rageful knock. I creep towards the door trying not to answer the mighty beast. That knock at the door is temptation my friends. It pounds harder and harder in my head until I have no use but to give in. Reach in the top dresser in my room and take out a fistful of cash. I have yet lost another bout.
My opponent in the ring is not some tough macho boxer or Ultimate Fighting Championship fight-to-the-death character. My only opponent that I cannot conquer in this grueling world is a pill about the same size as my thumb nail. I am under a terrible spell and I can feel the strings attaching to my arms and legs as the puppet master "OC" begins yet another charade. He parades me around town proving to everyone that I can't beat him. He knows he is in charge, "Wave and smile at the people" he says. "Pretend everything is ok when people view your exterior shell" he barks at me. It's all a game to him and he is proud of himself that I cannot control MYself.
You can drive in your car for miles to try to escape. You can try to occupy your time with some other activity other than the drug. But the knock at your front door remains. People tell you to try to play video games or start exercising. Hey sounds like a great idea... considering all these activities would be much more enjoyable on Oxy or H than being sober.. am I right ? Of course I am.
My applause, rather, my standing ovation goes to those that can regulate their use. I envy those who can get high off the 20 mg that I once did 2 years ago. Some kids think its "cool" that Stevie can take over 200 mg of oxy and not overdose, while their breathing would have stopped hours ago. Oh great they're turning me into a false idol.
I'm just going to turn the TV up louder and ignore that knock tonight. For 24 hours I have beat the temptation. The only reason being because nothing was around tonight. I will eventually sleep a few winks after a few mg of klonopin. But as I slumber in my dreamless state, I can feel the beast breathing down my neck. I can hear him outside the window talking with the other addictions of other kids on my block. They're all outside waiting for us to awaken so they can taunt us again. So they can hop right on our backs and say "Where you been partner?".
Things used to be different that's all.....
Thank you if you have read this far and thank you for not flaming me. I know this story doesn't mean anything to you. I know you all have better things to do than listen to me whine. But if you did read all of this thank you.
Edit for words staff: this is cross-posted in TDS and myself and the poster steve would like it open in both forums for discussion. any problems please send me a PM or an email: [email protected]
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