Today marks exactly two weeks since I started the mmt program. It wasn't a decision made lightly. I had mulled over getting on methadone many times over the last few years but with Kratom being banned any day now, and blowing through hundreds of dollars in less than a month chasing the dragon I figured it was time. I am tired of being broke, and if/when I get money I'm tired of spending it on dope-on something that goes up in smoke. I want to be able to spend the money on my children. On hobbies. On household items like toilet paper and dish soap when I run out. I'm tired of being sick and tired all the time. Of going on binges and then needing at least a week to stabilize on kratom again. I'm tired of worrying that each dose of oxy I take may be my last due to liver failure.
Both my boyfriend and I decided to get on methadone as we both have a decade or more of opiate use under our belts. Mine began in 2006 and his began when he was 15 (maybe younger), and the ups and downs of opiate addiction could have had a major strain on our broken relationship. We've been together almost 11 years and I can't remember a time when we weren't using. There were times when we weren't physically dependent and only "chipping" but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that we've been dancing and battling addiction for a long time.
So...methadone. Liquid handcuffs. The juice. My first real opiate about a decade ago. I tried 30mgs just to see why my boyfriend took it every day. And I was non-tolerant at that time. And I spent over two days sick to my stomach, vomiting anytime I moved or put anything into my tummy. And I didn't learn. And now here I am, ten years later, on a dose of 60mg/day waiting to stabilize on it.
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. One on hand I feel great about it. I am getting up every day at 6am to go to the clinic and dose and then back just in time for the girls to wake up. At first I was biking to the clinic, which is about a mile or so away, but then my bike needed fixing to I began taking the bus to the clinic. Still waking up at 6am to head out the door by 6:15am, catch the bus at 6:21, dose by 6:30ish and then catch the bus back and walk in the door by 7am when my girls wake up. Now I'm using my boyfriend's car to dive to the clinic, still trying to set my alarm to wake early and I can't wait to get my bike back to start biking again. I enjoy biking to the clinic because it gets me up early in the morning and it wakes me up! Gets endorphins pumping through my system and helps me shake off the methadone sleepiness. With any opiate (and methadone especially due to it's long half life) it's so easy to fall back into a deep sleep. If I had my doses at home already (like when I was using my oxy) it was so difficult to get my ass outta bed in the morning and my mornings would SUCK! And that made me depressed because I have two young children, 8.5 and 2.5 and I really wanted to be the kind of mom who was up and showered and ready for the day to begin before they were up. I wanted them to wake up to me already being up and awake and happy, unlike my mom. Growing up my mother was an alcoholic and many mornings were spent just my sister and me alone, with me tending to my sister.
Another reason I want to start biking to the clinic again every morning once my bike is fixed (instead of driving the car) is because eventually I know that I will get take homes, and even further down the road I will have to start tapering off methadone (some day...maybe waaaaaay down the line or maybe sooner than later...I really don't know right now) and the habit of going to the clinic every morning is going to be an addiction all in itself. So by biking to the clinic every day I'm creating a routine of getting out of the house and exercising every morning. When I start getting take homes I plan on continuing to get up early and hoping on my bike. I don't want my only routine in the am is driving to the clinic because when that goes away I'll be screwed again and I think it'd be extra hard to get off the 'done when the time is right.
Where was I...oh yes...pro's of mmt. A stable dose of opiates in my system means that I won't be constantly up and down in my emotions and I won't have days at a time where I'm really down and unmotivated because I am in w/d or recovering from it. It's also really helping me curb cravings...not 100% YET, but better than kratom ever did! I've had 120 Percocet's in my possession for four days now. Before mmt I would probably only have half of the script left right now, but I still have 110 left! I broke down the first day I picked up my script and took ten of them, and then felt VERY guilty for it, which in turn wrecked havoc on my attitude. I have had some pretty major cravings and Saturday I asked to go up from 55mg to 65mg because of my cravings, but I was told that I had to wait and talk to my counselor before they upped me. I guess my UA came up dirty for alcohol and that's a big no no at the clinic. Now I knew that benzos and methadone were a big no no and if I ever came up dirty for benzos that I wouldn't be allowed to go over 60mg, but I didn't know that alcohol would do the same. My counselor wasn't there because it was a Saturday but they allowed me to go up 5mg to 60mg because they didn't want me to use since I was having really bad cravings. Two weeks ago when I started the program I was started at 30mg. The 30mg was ok, but didn't relieve everything so the next day I asked to go up 5mg. The dosing nurse recommended me go up 10mg, but at that time I was still hellbent on trying to stay at the lowest dose possible so I didn't get all the nasty side effects that come with higher doses AND I know what a bitch methadone is to come off of, so I thought a lower dose would be best.
I stayed at 35mg for a day or two before I asked to go up to 45mg. I was really surprised at how good I felt! I was super productive. My mind wasn't on getting high all the time. I was able to be present with my children and I didn't just "get through the day" like I have been for years. I was enjoying being alive again. It was nice. I've been reading through any and all threads, including the mega threads on methadone here on bluelight so I could be knowledgeable about the program. I keep reading that when you hit your dose, you'll know it. I'm not sure what that means. I don't want to chase the high from methadone, but what I do want to be content with it. I guess I'm not understanding what it is that makes a certain dose the right dose for someone. Is it a part of the makeup of methadone that takes the cravings away, or is it the slight glow you get from it at a certain dose? Does that glow stay with you for as long as your on methadone? Or does it go away?
Well, I think I've officially lost my train of thought here. I do tend to have that problem when writing...I have an outline in my head but when I start writing I end up on tangents and then the flow of my writing gets all wacky. Oh well. It's not like I'm writing for anyone other than myself and my own progress. If anyone wants to comment they can, but this is my way to document my road to recovery...or something like that lol. I'm going to try and write something each day. It's one of my goals that I'm setting for myself. There are so many things I want to accomplish every day and in the long run. I decided that since I took the plunge with methadone maintenance I might as well take this opportunity to break old habits and forge the way for new, healthy ones!
Both my boyfriend and I decided to get on methadone as we both have a decade or more of opiate use under our belts. Mine began in 2006 and his began when he was 15 (maybe younger), and the ups and downs of opiate addiction could have had a major strain on our broken relationship. We've been together almost 11 years and I can't remember a time when we weren't using. There were times when we weren't physically dependent and only "chipping" but I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that we've been dancing and battling addiction for a long time.
So...methadone. Liquid handcuffs. The juice. My first real opiate about a decade ago. I tried 30mgs just to see why my boyfriend took it every day. And I was non-tolerant at that time. And I spent over two days sick to my stomach, vomiting anytime I moved or put anything into my tummy. And I didn't learn. And now here I am, ten years later, on a dose of 60mg/day waiting to stabilize on it.
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. One on hand I feel great about it. I am getting up every day at 6am to go to the clinic and dose and then back just in time for the girls to wake up. At first I was biking to the clinic, which is about a mile or so away, but then my bike needed fixing to I began taking the bus to the clinic. Still waking up at 6am to head out the door by 6:15am, catch the bus at 6:21, dose by 6:30ish and then catch the bus back and walk in the door by 7am when my girls wake up. Now I'm using my boyfriend's car to dive to the clinic, still trying to set my alarm to wake early and I can't wait to get my bike back to start biking again. I enjoy biking to the clinic because it gets me up early in the morning and it wakes me up! Gets endorphins pumping through my system and helps me shake off the methadone sleepiness. With any opiate (and methadone especially due to it's long half life) it's so easy to fall back into a deep sleep. If I had my doses at home already (like when I was using my oxy) it was so difficult to get my ass outta bed in the morning and my mornings would SUCK! And that made me depressed because I have two young children, 8.5 and 2.5 and I really wanted to be the kind of mom who was up and showered and ready for the day to begin before they were up. I wanted them to wake up to me already being up and awake and happy, unlike my mom. Growing up my mother was an alcoholic and many mornings were spent just my sister and me alone, with me tending to my sister.
Another reason I want to start biking to the clinic again every morning once my bike is fixed (instead of driving the car) is because eventually I know that I will get take homes, and even further down the road I will have to start tapering off methadone (some day...maybe waaaaaay down the line or maybe sooner than later...I really don't know right now) and the habit of going to the clinic every morning is going to be an addiction all in itself. So by biking to the clinic every day I'm creating a routine of getting out of the house and exercising every morning. When I start getting take homes I plan on continuing to get up early and hoping on my bike. I don't want my only routine in the am is driving to the clinic because when that goes away I'll be screwed again and I think it'd be extra hard to get off the 'done when the time is right.
Where was I...oh yes...pro's of mmt. A stable dose of opiates in my system means that I won't be constantly up and down in my emotions and I won't have days at a time where I'm really down and unmotivated because I am in w/d or recovering from it. It's also really helping me curb cravings...not 100% YET, but better than kratom ever did! I've had 120 Percocet's in my possession for four days now. Before mmt I would probably only have half of the script left right now, but I still have 110 left! I broke down the first day I picked up my script and took ten of them, and then felt VERY guilty for it, which in turn wrecked havoc on my attitude. I have had some pretty major cravings and Saturday I asked to go up from 55mg to 65mg because of my cravings, but I was told that I had to wait and talk to my counselor before they upped me. I guess my UA came up dirty for alcohol and that's a big no no at the clinic. Now I knew that benzos and methadone were a big no no and if I ever came up dirty for benzos that I wouldn't be allowed to go over 60mg, but I didn't know that alcohol would do the same. My counselor wasn't there because it was a Saturday but they allowed me to go up 5mg to 60mg because they didn't want me to use since I was having really bad cravings. Two weeks ago when I started the program I was started at 30mg. The 30mg was ok, but didn't relieve everything so the next day I asked to go up 5mg. The dosing nurse recommended me go up 10mg, but at that time I was still hellbent on trying to stay at the lowest dose possible so I didn't get all the nasty side effects that come with higher doses AND I know what a bitch methadone is to come off of, so I thought a lower dose would be best.
I stayed at 35mg for a day or two before I asked to go up to 45mg. I was really surprised at how good I felt! I was super productive. My mind wasn't on getting high all the time. I was able to be present with my children and I didn't just "get through the day" like I have been for years. I was enjoying being alive again. It was nice. I've been reading through any and all threads, including the mega threads on methadone here on bluelight so I could be knowledgeable about the program. I keep reading that when you hit your dose, you'll know it. I'm not sure what that means. I don't want to chase the high from methadone, but what I do want to be content with it. I guess I'm not understanding what it is that makes a certain dose the right dose for someone. Is it a part of the makeup of methadone that takes the cravings away, or is it the slight glow you get from it at a certain dose? Does that glow stay with you for as long as your on methadone? Or does it go away?
Well, I think I've officially lost my train of thought here. I do tend to have that problem when writing...I have an outline in my head but when I start writing I end up on tangents and then the flow of my writing gets all wacky. Oh well. It's not like I'm writing for anyone other than myself and my own progress. If anyone wants to comment they can, but this is my way to document my road to recovery...or something like that lol. I'm going to try and write something each day. It's one of my goals that I'm setting for myself. There are so many things I want to accomplish every day and in the long run. I decided that since I took the plunge with methadone maintenance I might as well take this opportunity to break old habits and forge the way for new, healthy ones!
