• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS The Inevitability of Relapse

Ozekat

Ozekat

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
283
Location
Kentucky
This has honestly been plaguing me for quite some time. It seems for me using everyday isn't really the issue anymore, the issue I now have is infrequent use of opiates or hard drugs to kind of feed the monster that lurks inside, in a sense some kind of strange ritual I have developed over time where as long as I get a little taste of the DOC that I am trying like hell to avoid/quit, then I can continue on my twisted journey of pseudo-sobriety. For example, I got a bag of dope a few days ago, last time I did dope before that was weeks, before that many weeks, etc,...

Man I hate to sound so self-defeated and smart ass (towards myself) and, hell there is a reason I am posting this in the dark side, but fuck I just sometimes feel like my progress isn't really progress if I happen to relapse.

What opinions do you guys have on this subject? How many more times do I have to relapse before I can just be done with the damn thing? I can see it coming from a hundred miles away, and when it finally stares me in the face I just give in to carnal desire and say, "fuck it".

I don't know. All I know for sure is I'm glad bluelight exists, because all the junkies around here can't have the heart-to-heart talks that I get out of this place.......and I feel hope here, and a path is always available. So I appreciate you guys for that......I guess we are a certain breed of people and we have to stick together through it all......it sure seems that way to me.
 
hey Oz.. .. these are really great things to be thinking about and emotions to be looking at. it really does say that deep down you want to leave this "shit" behind and continue on into a life of recovery. try to spin things around with the "fuck it" in giving in to that side of addiction that wants you to ever do so and to continue to do so but to say "fuck it" to that part in letting your addiction make the decision. it will totally feel so, so good to turn the tables around on that and truly empower yourself with not giving in that desire. if you can see it coming from 886 miles away then you know you need to take measures in turning in a different direction. you can so do this!

how long have you been going through this teeter toter of sorts process? we all go through and deal with it at some point in our recovery and it is always a very real reality in continuing through recovery. if we say "i will never, ever relapse AGAIN" at some level we are completely setting our selfs up for failure. shit happens, relapse happens it is part of a path we have gone done. try not to get so hard on yourself but to use these emotions of frustration/remorse as reminders of where you want to be. do you go to NA/AA or have you checked out SMART, do you keep writings of your journey and feeling at these certain times?? could be a strong reminder for you and the groups adding support and direction even in just going on some what of a regular basis.

shit... making it many weeks since your last use is wonderful progress, catching the slips which it sounds like you are totally aware of and push through. keep a record of these events and make some personal goals to keep moving forward and pushing that desire of our addictions away to see the length of time grow. you will feel sooooo good as you keep making progress and telling your addiction to "fuck off"!!

keep your head up and building at this path with the hope and insight you have!
 
Thanks a lot!!! :)

I'd say the teeter-totter has been going on for a solid year now--before then I was just an addict in denial. I wish I could just not be so hard on myself, but seeing how much time I've wasted this year its hard. But I know that beating myself up over it is just a waste of time. I wonder when we learn as kids or young adults that this mentality of beating oneself up is beneficial because it is a complete Lie. Yes, a capital Lie. Its the biggest load of BS one can fathom......makes me curious.

I like your ideas, I should probably get my ass out to some meetings instead of thinking I can do it all on my own.
 
sure is a CAPITAL lie, Oz!! it seems to be something embedded in "American culture" running rapidly through the veins of the every day main stream. this state of competition between each other and our selves it is definitely something that drives ones to self medication winding into addiction. it seems to cycle through our lives at different levels.

BUT the big difference here is being aware/mind-full that this state is a reality and exist in the world around us and effects our internal/mental being. seeing it first and then learning to not accept or be apart of this outlook is a process and with no doubt self empowering in flowing in the direction of compassion! you know this feeds your addiction in being hard on your self and reflecting on the past/present negative events. you see it- now it is time to accept it say "fuck it" and take a deep breath and let it go! you can totally do this. take patient aware steps instead of letting frustration and aggravation pushing you around in taking too big of steps where you fall or moon walking backwards but with no groove.

you have not wasted a year, you have experienced a year that you thought you never would. wow... what a big, amazing journey of knowledge you can carry with you through out your life. rare awareness that again not many truly understand, 80%/20%. look at the things you are reflecting on now and how you can use them as positivity in the future, you got this!

i get the teeter-toter, totally have been their right with you! i have been through years of still self-medicating after a detox justifying to my self it is for certain physical use or mental use in dealing with certain situations/times. i have been under the care of doctors where my justification has been "it is a legal script". even if a doc knows what my DOC has been and still prescribes it, i need to take the step in an alternative way because i know what it can/has set off with in my addiction. that shifty, shady moon walk where we know where it goes and how it plays out. it is being aware as we grow with our addiction and controlling it in a positive healthy direction that brings a true consistent state, a true warmer smile!

i think it would be great if you hit up some meetings.. check out SMART it is a different format then NA but can be used right along with it.

www.smartrecovery.org

as you know this wonderful community of bluelight is always here for you! try to start wright down more profound thoughts and feeling you are having could really help in movement and identifying triggers you have not realized. if you are having a moment and catch it needing some support you can always pm me. i think you have some really powerful realizations in factors that effect you and your emotions tying to your addiction. this is truly great you can do this.. you will do this! keeping looking forward Oz and redirection that self defeating energy in to self empowering knowledge!!
 
I think of this insane song as it reminds me to take a look at where I am at in the cycle of addiction and I try to take an inventory of my recovery once or so a day. By doing this often I think I keep myself safer and happier as I am better able to identify what I am needing depending on where I'm at. "The Wheels On The Bus" .. the monkeys on the bus put their seatbelts on and they enjoy the ride:D all through the town.
 
Last edited:
^
but Oz has expressed wanting to abstain. to stop his personal battle of relapse in his process of recovery that he has been working towards and by the sound of it really wanting. infrequent use is what he is saying is really, really bothering him.. and we know with that type of use the addict is at a very high risk of a full on relapse.



that is very fitting NSA and nicely put! funny - reminds me of thinking and spinning beyond white noise to the repetition of "Five little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" seeing the fall but wanting to keep on jumping.. .. in the end there is no more jumping. kind of a drastic situation.. but true with these rhymes sticking with us and the correlations we find them connecting to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bCni-UBXY4
 
Last edited:
you have not wasted a year, you have experienced a year that you thought you never would. wow... what a big, amazing journey of knowledge you can carry with you through out your life. rare awareness that again not many truly understand, 80%/20%. look at the things you are reflecting on now and how you can use them as positivity in the future, you got this!
Click to expand...

This is such a great fucking sentence, and something I try to remind myself when I feel i'm all used up.
thanks.
 
Wow. I really like your posts pro re nata, very helpful stuff.

You make me feel, no you remind me of the good things about myself and what I am trying to accomplish here, and where I am trying to go, and who I want to put myself around.

I had the oppurtunity to go to dayton ohio for a commemorative buddhist meeting we have every august for the local mens division and young mens division earlier saturday. It was amazing. So many nice people. But on the ride up there I was able to have a great dialogue with another member---someone I have known for the two years I've been practicing but I DIDN'T realize that he, too used to be an addict. he gave me some great advice, made me feel so much better than he probably even realizes and let me vent a lot......once again it dawns on me living with my alcoholic dad who always has kratom in the house (and I basically get free reign on this shit) is definitely making my recovery so drawn out and impractical. I need to start praying I can move out, and really be truly independent. I don't blame him but it isn't helping either of us at this point---a fucked up co-dependent drug-centered relationship I share with my dad.

Anyway, today was a great day for me. Many members in ohio gave great experiences --- this year has been a shitstorm for many. But it is not over yet and I want the end of this year to shine brilliantly for me, nomatter what that means or what direction I have to go in.......

Thanks for all the responses, I really feel gratitude for the community on here, you guys and girls, no all of us together helping each other, listening and giving advice back and forth......I can say that my days of abuse and addiction were a lot darker before I discovered bluelight and started actively contributing.

Yeah, I really haven't wasted a year but what I have done is learn a whole fucking lot about life, drugs, addicts, lifestyles they be good or bad and things I should avoid and things I should pursue.

Thanks again, this thread has a good vibe to it so far. :D And I hear mr. flowers point of view too, I don't dismiss it outright but the more recovered addicts I talk to the more they say that the only way to get free of the beast is true abstinence.....especially imo for people like me and others here who have inclinations towards hard drugs/opiates. So I guess I am finally starting to listen to people, I mean the bottom line is if you are clean or not, and then you can have all the power you could dream of, but once we give in to the drugs, all the inner power is sort of stripped away from us instantly and we are catapulted back to square one......that is not to say that relapsing is necessarily bad, but the idea is to get the power back, right? Into our own hands so that we do not have to bend to the whims of substances, sometimes the drugs seem to have a mind and intention of their own, and its always a dark place removed from purity it seems to me.

(sorry for long post, I had a few rants to get out and wanted everyone to know I am in a better state of mind)
 
hi Oz!

your post is really wonderful you can feel you speaking from your heart/soul and it is filled with fluidity of inner connections. really strong my friend! so nice to feel this strength coming from your spirit and the awareness you are bringing forth. your day sounds absolutely amazing!! wow what timing to go to such an event! you are really looking around and seeing the positives in directly effecting the reality you want to create. you have got the stuff! we can really accomplish and obtain goals when we focus and put our selves around the best support/environments we possibly can.

i too have shared space with others that were heavy drinkers and users of varied substances and understand how that can be a major trigger. also with a father figure i can see how it can not only be a major trigger but bring forth certain emotions. this is a good chance to challenge your strength and build up your inner will. at the same time facing and evaluate feelings that might not be sooo comfortable but will ultimately give you knowledge in excepting certain realities in controlling your addiction that much more.

keep up these terrific thoughts and building on the realizations you are having in to movements.. .. your will is speaking volumes about where you want to go more over where you are going! really, really beautiful and inspiring Oz!! <3
 
Ozekat said:
he, too used to be an addict. he gave me some great advice, made me feel so much better than he probably even realizes and let me vent a lot.....
Click to expand...
Hmmm.. wonder where this happens every day Ozz... it on the tip of my tong.. rec um rec um recovery support meetings;) Really happy that you had this experience your post has allot of good energy in it sir<3
 
Hahahahaha, thanks for the irony NSA!!! You sneaky little.....lol

Yep I need to get my ass to recovery meetings.
 
I wanted to update. I think that I am starting to finally get used to feeling sober again(like, really stone cold sober).....I can feel it coming on slowly but something has shifted in my head.

A friend called me who has been clean for a good stretch now (a few months) and he was talking about relapsing and wanting to do it. He said it was the lifestyle that intrigues him and I think he has a point. So much of it is the lifestyle. Now, if that is true, and our brains have limitless potential then I think what I should be praying and chanting for is to feel whatever kind of "high" I want without having to partake in drugs. I know this is selfish, but at this point it is a good shot in the right direction for me.

Feeling the full force of life is overwhelming to our addict brains. We use because there is unresolved emotions and loose ends......and its just a habit as well. But I wonder how it would all look if society did not condemn drug use/abuse and even addicts.......that would be a very different shade to see our world in, indeed.

So, here I am starting to gradually piece all this together. Its felt like an eternity but I know deep down I'm not meant to skim the bottom of the ocean floor with all the other dark creatures down there. But similarly I've felt a bio-luminescence during these times and perhaps future times skimming that bottom. they have been brightened by a particular shade of blue light. :D

Thank you everyone for supporting my recovery and 'talking it out', I still feel a lot of gratitude for this website and all the colorful people who come around.
 
Last edited:
you can for sure still experience and be a part the under ground!! it is just how you want to hold yourself and where you want to find yourself from the next morning to the next year!

keep feeling/thinking and writing these wonderful thoughts OZ!!<3
 
The trick is to relapse and not be hard on self.
I don't know why or how but somehow relapsing and not hating myself for it makes getting back up so much easier than ever before.
The self loathing somehow perpetuates the drug use and it probably precipitated the drugs way before i ever even tried them.
Being straight is hard because there is no escape or changing what i am feeling right now.
But whatever it is, it will surly change and probably in a short time.
 
I like the philosophy of that deejah. Thats something that has been on my mind a lot.

Im definitely changing.
 
Relapse happens...what matters is learning what triggered you, and how to cope with it. There is this thing that levels me emotionally when it happens, but I learned how to reach out instead of wanting to numb myself. Yeah it hurts so freaking much and my drug of choice will make it tolerable, but I think about the consequence. What happens when I get back to where the numbness doesn't come and I'm left once gain to whither in its influence? I fear going back there so I reach out and say how I feel rather than keeping it in. Do you have someone to reach for?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top