The incertainty of now that kills you a bit at a time...

[Cosmic Mist]

It's so easy to say that you have moved on and that everything is fine. You can keep a straight face and tell your little white lies, but ultimately you have to face the facts that there is one person you cannot fool; yourself. Every moment you spend walking alone and dreaming of the past is another moment you don't spend embracing the future and everything else within your grasp. You miss out on the most vital and intriguing of invitations because you are too blinded by your own self-inflicted suffering to see all the things you are missing out on. It's tough, really it is. But you need to keep on moving on. You need to accept that the past is, well, past. If you do not it will finish by devouring you entirely - all that will be left is a pair of empty eyes, a sallowed shell, and an handful of wispy memories.

Saying that you have moved on, and actually moving on are incredibly different things. For years I have been fooling myself, thinking that I have moved on. For years I have tricked myself into believing that I don't care, that nothing matters, that you can go and it will have no effect on me or my life.

For years I have been wrong.

How can you really appreciate something before it's gone? How can you truly understand the gravity of its presence in your life until it is taken from you? You can't. It's as simple as that. Most smokers don't fully understand how much they enjoy that nicotine hit until they decide to quit smoking. Unlike smokers however, I cannot simply go out and spend a little money to replace what I have lost. It has taken me years to understand what your actions have meant to each of us, and I think it will be many years still before I can fully comprehend your motives. Perhaps I never will.

It is a cruel circumstance by which we have been forced apart. Crueller still would be the circumstance that could bring us back together, and I do not wish that. Stay away from me. Stay very far away from me and my family. Your presence serves to do nothing except upset me, and confound my loved ones. You promised me you would never leave me, you promised me that I would always have you to call upon. Well where are you now? WHERE ARE YOU? IN the times when I needed you most you were barely there for me because it was to difficult and hurtful for you. Now that I have made it through these troubled times on my own, it would be so easy for you to call me and let me know where you are, that you are alright... that you are even alive. Is it too much to ask? I don't even know anymore. I love you so much, but I don't want to anymore. I don't want to love you because it hurts too damned much. It hurts to think about you and barely remember your face. it hurts to read the promises you made to me and know that you have broken them, and forsaken me.

I don't want you to come back. I want you to stay as far away from me as possible. All you can do is cause pain and suffering within my sheltered little womb of existence, and I feel I have suffered enough because of you and your selfish antics. when I am thirty I suppose you'll want to call me up for a brief catch-up on the last 15 years. By then it may well be far too late...

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

Oh...... where to begin.........

This first paragraph is so brutally true. It's a wake up, reality call... to well, anyone who needs one. I was invisioning all of the ending points with people in my life, and all of the "YOU" 's seemed to scream to me. I wish you had posted this years ago. Although... there's going to be ending points and I'd like to copy this first paragraph and keep it in a safe place. I want to use it for a pep talk when I need one.

I like the smoker comparison. And the part where you say, "Unlike smokers however, I cannot simply go out and spend a little money to replace what I have lost." That was clever.

You can obviously tell that you are still in love, and you are still in hate, and you are still confused. You go from saying 'stay away from me and my family' to 'you said you'd always be here...... where are you now' to 'i love you so much...... but i don't want to anymore'. We've all been here. Eventually the pain goes away, when the feelings start to fade. And they do. They really do.

This was awesome.


Oh yeah... one more thing........ heh...
you said 'when I am thirty I suppose you'll want to call me up for a brief catch-up on the last 15 years. '
Are you only 15 or am I reading this in the wrong context??

 

[cherub]

have to agree with the above,,,,,,,,,,, except that age part,,,, pretty much know your not 15

Girl i was very impressed with the piece the honestly you betray and the hurt that comes through so clear.


My only really strong comment,,,,,, Is yes it may happen to alot of people and the fade does pain,,,,,, But it is happening to you and not everybody.
So it is so much more personal then a statement. So much harder then you thought. Growing pains usually are though.

Good luck girl my heart goes out to you

 

[Cosmic Mist]

thanks guys...

just to clarify a few things:

1. i am 20 years old

2. this piece is written to my mother, whom i have pretty much not seen since i was 15, by her choosing. She always used to say " when you're 30, then we'll sit down and i'll explain everything to you..." it doesn't make things better now though...

 

[neverwas]

angel nothing is ever easy sweetness but you are strong

love you hun xx

 

[Cosmic Mist]

^^^
Thanksmy dear... it means a lot